I accepted a lift home from a weekend in the country with someone who lives near me. To my horror, he drove at eighty-five miles an hour and tailgated all the way on the motorway. I was terrified, but not sure what I could say to make him change what he obviously thought was acceptable driving. What could I have done?
Name and address withheld
Thank Hermes, the God of safe destinations. Never accept a lift from him again. By accepting a lift, we are making ourselves hostages to fortune and road hogs. If he was seriously alarming you, you could have said: ‘I say, Clarence, do you mind going a bit slower? I know that I am wimpish. But I am seriously frightened in fast cars.’ Or something similarly disingenuous. But only as a last resort. Such a request will offend his Mr Toad machismo, and may not have much effect anyway.
I got on the train last week to find that the only spare seat was next to a very large man, who seemed to take up most of the spare seat as well as his own with his bulk. I decided to squeeze in next to him. It was very uncomfortable, however – and in the end I got up and stood. Should the fat man have stood up to give two people the chance to sit down, or should we have sympathy because it would be more difficult for him to stand?
Janet Downing, Staines
In my fat man’s shoes (which thank the Lord, I’m not, Sir), I should have hesitated to impose my bulk on a seat, and propped myself up against a wall somewhere. But, perhaps the fat man is also short of breath, or incapacitated in other ways. Perhaps his fatness is caused by genes, not overeating. In travelling by public transport we have to put up with the idiosyncrasies and irritations of our fellow passengers on this Train of Fools. There is no perfect solution, apart from tolerance and generosity. Nobody wants to sit cheek by jowl by bottom, rubbing buttocks with strangers on either side.
If another driver gives way to me on a narrow road at night, what is the correct etiquette to acknowledge this? Some drivers flash their headlights, but this dazzles the other person.
Frank Upton, Solihull
My, what a pineapple of politesse you are. I wish that more drivers were as considerate as you. After dark, perhaps we could wear white driving gloves so that our wave could be visible. Or a quick flick off and on of the headlights. Or a gentle double tootle of the horn to signal gratitude. Gentle toot toot in salute to you.
At the stop I use to catch the bus to work each morning, there is no sensible place to queue. Consequently, there is usually a scrum to get on the bus when it eventually turns up. I was reprimanded the other day for getting onto the bus by a fellow passenger who had been standing at the stop before I got there. However, there are usually so many people that it is difficult to know who was there first. My personal feeling is that in such a situation, queueing etiquette goes out the window. Do you agree?
Andrew P., London
Up to a point, Lord Copper. There is a similar scrum and imprecision of priority at a crowded bus stop where I catch a bus near Clapham Junction. When the bus arrives (I should be so lucky) there is a mixed melee and surge. I am large, so I hesitate to barge and shove, for fear of trampling underdogs. I think that the true gent is deliberately unassertive in such crowd conditions, even if it means having to stand for the whole journey. The important thing is to avoid bus stop rage, which puts its victims in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
Should one ask children to give up their seat for a pregnant woman or elderly person when travelling on a full bus or train? I have done this several times – sometimes upsetting the odd parent along the way. Am I doing the right thing?
Maureen Jones, address withheld
Yes, I think you are doing the right thing. You should ask the children politely but firmly. It is the duty of us elders to teach children good manners. If they are not our children, the responsibility is diluted. The request is so reasonable that if it is made reasonably nobody could object. But a slanging match helps none of us get to work as comfortably as possible.
My train designates a small part of one carriage a ‘mobile-free zone’. However, there are often one or two individuals noisily making and receiving telephone calls. I make a point of politely and with a smile suggesting that they have failed to see the notice in the window. On recent occasions the response has been one of unbridled aggression. I am a peaceable fellow approaching his seventies, but these experiences reinforced my convictions and I would rather be a victim of assault than a permanent wimp. My wife would disagree. Do you?
Titus Grey, Devon
No. With the greatest respect to your wife, I agree with you. The rage of such selfish mobile phoners is the rage of Caliban at seeing his face reflected in a mirror. We have a moral and social obligation to remind Calibans of good manners and the regulations of the railway. If they resist or react aggressively, send for the train steward. For the bad to prevail needs only for the good to remain silent for the sake of a quiet life.
My female friend and I occasionally go out for an evening together. My husband drives us to and from the venue. What is the correct seating arrangement? Should I sit in the front passenger seat beside my husband? Should my friend sit in front? Or should we both sit in the back?
Janet Johnston, via e-mail
Only in Texas, South Africa and other such patriarchal Old Testament societies do males automatically take the front seats, with women and children squashed in the back. In our liberated societies, the comfortable seats should be shared around more equitably – according to who has the biggest bottom, who wants to see the view, who is car sick, and other such variables. Why not sit in front in the suicide seat beside your husband while being driven to your night out, and let your chum sit beside him on the way back? With two couples, the best (and safest) arrangement is for one of the women to drive, and for her partner to sit in the back without being permitted to criticise her driving.
On a flight, a tall, obese man sat next to me in the middle of a row of three seats. It was most uncomfortable. After take-off, I vacated my seat for an empty one in the back of the plane. Should I have explained my decision before I moved, so as not to cause him any offence (and allow him to spread out)?
Khaled Shivji, Pimlico
I too would have been worried about your fat friend feeling cold-shouldered. But explaining would only have brought the matter of his circumference into the public domain. I suspect that I would just have moved, as softly and silently as possible.
What are the rules for sharing armrests? I got onto the commuter train first and took the window seat. I put my arm on the rest, but a later arrival pushed it off with his own. I felt that I had a right to it as I was there before him. I am a teacher. I was exhausted. But I am too small to put up a fight. What should I have done?
Anonymiss, Chelmsford
Like rats in a box, commuters crammed into our disgraceful trains behave badly. We must set them an example. As Sam Johnson observed: ‘What remains but to acquiesce with silence, as in the other insurmountable distresses of humanity?’ Or KBO (Keep Buggering On), as Churchill used to scribble in the margins of state papers.
I have an elderly relative whose driving has become a danger to herself and to others. She has had several accidents and her insurers continue to pay up. All our polite efforts to get her off the road have failed; she says she would have to move house if she couldn’t drive, although she could afford taxis for essential journeys. Can you think of anything else we can try?
Name and address withheld
Many of us have, or imagine we have, such elderly relatives, who are perils on the road. Many of us may indeed become such hazardous drivers in due course. Except those of us who steadfastly refuse to drive, on the ground that the motor car is the Moloch of the twenty-first century. You have to be jolly careful. It really is a business for the insurers, the police, the elderly relative of the first part herself and God. For many of the elderly, the cars are their vehicles of independence. We must not bully them, or interfere unduly. We cannot be our Sister’s Keeper when it comes to her car. If we banned all potentially dangerous drivers, London would be a better and quieter (and far emptier) place. But we can’t. All we can do is to love and care for our elderly relative. And think twice before accepting a lift from her.
I had an argument on a packed Tube train the other day with a gentleman who insisted on reading his Financial Times even though it was brushing my face every time he turned a page and I felt he was invading my personal space. I told him that he should wait until he left the train before reading his paper. Was he being rude or was I?
Patricia Griffin, Wokingham
It sounds as though he was. We must protect the second row of the scrum that passes for personal space in commuter travel. People are inconsiderate with their papers in the cattle-truck conditions of commuter trains. This is one advantage of the smaller tabloid-size Times, though I can get indignant looks from women either side of me because of the frequency with which I have to turn the pages. If somebody behaves selfishly, it is a public good to educate them, though I am not sure that I would have been brave enough to expostulate with your gent.
Is it good form to share a cab with a stranger if you are heading the same way?
G. M., Brighton
If you are lucky enough to find a taxi, especially on a wet night, it makes good sense to share the cab and the expense. The big railway termini even employ a cabby organiser after midnight to pair off travellers heading for the same destination. You are entirely within your rights to refuse to share with a stranger, though you should refuse gently, not indignantly. Avoid taxi rage at all costs – and after dark the costs are immense.
At the bus stop, should one get on in the order of who arrived there first? Recently, a man got on the bus in front of me even though he had only just arrived at the stop. As a consequence, I was without a seat. Was I right to think him rude?
Dorothly Crossley, Wimbledon
Yes: he was rude, and you were right. Only a cad queue-barges. It is an act of petty meanness and selfishness. Let us never do it. Probably best not to fall into altercation about it, though. For if the queue-barger is brazen enough to do it, he is probably a yahoo who will enjoy a shouting match. Avoid queue rage at almost all cost.
How should one deal with commuters who play their personal stereos too loud?
Mark Broadbent, Sevenoaks
Perpetual noise is part of the downside of commuting. It is possible to ask people to turn their private noise down. But we should ask gently and with a smile. They may look at us as though we are aliens from another civilisation. (We are.) Of course it is bad manners to inflict one’s personal noise on others in public. But commuting is a communal activity, and we have to put up with the bad behaviour of others, in the hope that they will put up with the things about us (such as our socks) that irritate others. If the throb of adjacent music is really loud, I ask for it to be turned down, with a cowardly and self-deprecating grin. Otherwise, I sigh and move my stance. And try to concentrate on the Times crossword.
When is it polite for a motorist to hoot his horn?
A. M. L., Bognor
The horn, like the monarch in the constitution, serves to warn and advise, not to bully or blast or to express one’s (flawed) personality. An apologetic single toot to let the dozy motorist know that the lights have changed to green is fine. Or to alert somebody of your presence or intention. Definitely not to trumpet rage, frustration or your superiority as a driver.
I commute to work in London by train. It causes me immense irritation to find that people stand almost on top of me on the platform in order that they may be where the door of the train will open. How can I make it clear that there is no need practically to cuddle an unsuspecting co-passenger on the platform so as to protect your ‘spot’ when the train arrives?
Laura J., Nowheresville
The important thing is not to allow the bad manners of others to annoy you, or disturb the even tenor of your commute. Immense irritation is bad for the digestion, bad for the day and bad for you. I suppose that a certain amount of space may be cleared by harumphing and swinging one’s handbag. But why bother? If the scrummaging that we fear be thus irresistible, what remains but to acquiesce with silence, as in the other insurmountable distresses of humanity?
Is there a correct way to flag down a London cab? I was ignored recently, having just put my arm up, and a passer-by told me: ‘You need to wave your arms furiously and holler!’ It seems a little undignified to me. How would you hail a cab?
June Cunningham, Chertsey
Dignity and achieving a London black cab are an oxymoron: you cannot secure both. Cabbies have developed selective blindness to prospective fares who look unprofitable or off the beaten track. All we can do is boldly stick out our arms like flagposts, shout and whistle as they sail heedlessly past, and swear as they accelerate away into the distance. If they spot your arm, they will signal that they have seen you and accept your fare by a flash of their lights. Good luck, you need it.