We have a very large, friendly dog that likes to greet guests enthusiastically, but settles down after a few moments’ wagging and licking. Although she is not intimidating (standard poodles are rarely considered scary), not everyone appreciates her advances. While I sympathise with our less doggy-minded friends, my husband adores the dog and thinks everyone else should too. If we shut her up, she spends the duration of our friends’ visit whimpering and barking. Should we inconvenience our dog or our friends?
Janet Johnston, via e-mail
Your dog. Not everybody likes dogs. Some people are frightened of them. Dogs can sense this fear or distaste uncannily and jump around more enthusiastically. I have the same problem with Jack Russells. Poppy (a racist, alas) once darted out from beneath the sofa and nipped Tunku’s ankle. It is extremely bad manners to inflict your doggy, however delightful, on any visitor. If they say they would like to meet her, let the brute in.
My neighbour’s five cats are making my garden a complete no-go area with their spraying and using it as a litter tray. I have taken to tipping their leavings over the fence into her garden, but I wonder if I could tackle her direct about the unreasonableness of having so many pets in a crowded urban area. What do you advise?
Name and address withheld
One person’s cat is another person’s inexhaustible factory of pollution and murderer of small birds. I should not tip the cats’ mess over her fence. That is sly and a hostile act. We do not want to start a range war here, do we? It is important to remain on friendly terms with one’s neighbours. I should discuss your problem with her, if you are on those terms. But take care not to be aggressive or accusatory. To criticise somebody’s pussy in English suburbia is the equivalent of robbing a tigress of her whelps in the jungle. She cannot control where her cats go. Cats are nocturnal rovers and Don Juans. There are repellents that can be bought at the pet shop. I am told that the most effective is wolf faeces, which is expensive. You could buy a Jack Russell terrier to yap in a frenzy at the cats whenever they cross the fence. You could squirt the trespassing cat with a hose. I tried that once with a bucket of water on an invading cat, and merely succeeded in bringing down the curtains. I am afraid that you may have to learn to live with the cats, as with other insurmountable vexations of life. But at least let your neighbour know (gently) about your problem.
My neighbour has dogs (quite big dogs) that seem to spend most of their time indoors. I like dogs and I would like to take them for an occasional walk. But would any approach look like criticism?
Barney Mills, North London
It should be possible to offer to take your neighbour’s dogs for a walk without it looking like you are criticising his lack of care for the woofers. But you are quite right; urban and suburban dog-owners can be fiercely resentful of even a shadow of criticism that they are not perfect dog-owners. In fact, contrary to folklore, statistics show that the English are careless and often cruel dog-owners. But if you make your offer to walk his dogs lightly and generously, all that he can do is refuse. Unless there is active cruelty (in which case it is a matter for the RSPCA and the police), our neighbour’s dogs are not really our concern. Dogs acclimatise themselves to boredom as well as we do.
Friends have recently acquired a dog. They both work full-time and the lady of the house goes home at lunchtimes to take the dog for a short walk and feed it. But on days when she cannot go home, I am asked to see to the dog. I don’t even like dogs, and it takes up my entire lunch break. Your advice, please.
Name and address withheld
What a submissive friend you are and what irresponsible dog-owners your friends sound. You have boxered yourself into a Catch-22 kennel through friendship and fear of saying no. Of course, we go out of our way to help friends and neighbours, but not to the extent that it becomes a resentment. I think you need to have an honest talk with your friends. They seem to have adopted you as an unpaid dog-attendant.
How does one say politely to weekend guests who insist on bringing their dog that one looks forward to the visit but without accompanying pets?
Janey Burland, Norfolk
Since Odysseus’s faithful Argos, dogs have divided the opinions of mankind. It is bad manners to insist on bringing one’s dogs to stay. It is very bad manners to arrive with dog and doggage without even seeking permission. Some extreme doggies turn their pets into gods. They would not dream of putting little Hercules into a kennel. It is perfectly possible to say that you would prefer not to welcome their dogs. It is possible (but not probable) that they will take such prohibition in a kindly spirit.
I like dogs, although I do not have one. I gave my neighbour’s poodle a scrap of chicken off my plate. My neighbour was irate. Who was right?
B. J. D., Sidmouth, Devon
Your neighbour was. The relationship between a dog and its owner is particular and peculiar. There are strict private rules about food and obedience. It is bad canine and human manners for others to interfere. Don’t do it.
My neighbours’ dog used to be allowed to use their lawn to carry out all its natural functions without them clearing up. They have now moved. Should I inform the new owners?
Hanus D. Wolf, Saint Neots, Cambridgeshire
Antisocial Anubis! I don’t think so. Caveat emptor. By the time the sale is completed, rain and the other bracing elements of Cambridgeshire will have neutralised the lethal effects of dog poo.
A friend’s dog chewed and ruined a special dressing-up costume belonging to my young boys. The parent returned it in a bag with no mention of the damage. No doubt your reply would be to say nothing – friendship is worth more. I agree on this occasion, but when is it good modern manners politely to stand up for yourself?
Mrs H. Harris, Bristol
Well, I judge that this was such an occasion to speak up. It was rotten bad manners (and dishonest) of your friend not to tell you about the damage. Of course they should have replaced the dressing-up costume. But it would have been right and good manners for you to point out the damage, not in rage or accusation, more in sorrow than in anger. And if that did not shame them into replacing the costume, I should do so myself.
My neighbour’s dog won’t stop barking. I complained once and his response was: ‘What do you want me to do, get rid of it?’ I wish he would. How can I let him know politely that it’s driving me mad?
Nick Edwards, Ipswich
It is bad manners, and bad dogmanship, to keep a dog that never stops barking. Most dogs can be trained not to bark continually, unless they are barking bonkers. It is not necessary to go to a doggy psychiatrist to stop the nuisance. But that is a matter for your neighbour, not you. People are remarkably defensive about any criticism of their four-legged friends. You may criticise their partners or their children. But only a hero dares to disparage their dogs. I can see that it is a nuisance. But you must not let a barking dog become your King Charles’s head and drive you mad. Endure. Have patience. Earplugs? Mozart, with the volume turned up? Forget it. I know that this is easier said than done. But living in urban proximity demands a high degree of tolerance and humour from all of us.
Every day I usually spend an hour or so exercising my small dog along a stretch of the coast near my home. There is nothing in the country code that specifically addresses the issue of how to handle the numerous other dog-owners whom I meet on my three-mile trek across the sandhills. What is the most appropriate way to break the ice? Or is it more polite just to see if any cracks appear first?
Stephen Stilletto, Carlisle
Rules for dog-owners walking their doggies on the beach.
- Much the same as meeting other walkers without doggies. A cheerful wave to break the ice. Wait to see if there is a spoken reply.
- Doggies sniff each other’s bottoms. Dog-walkers should not.
- Prevent doggies fighting or mating with each other at all costs.
- If conversation breaks out, be fulsome about your fellow dog-walker’s mutt, and depreciating about your own Wonderdog.
I have invited a dog-owning single friend along to Christmas dinner with a family I know. The hostess has stated that my friend’s dog is not welcome, as she has two highly-strung cats. So he insists on bringing the dog along but having it stay in the back of his car during dinner. I would not enjoy my meal knowing his poor dog was ‘out in the cold’. I suggested he find a dog-sitter or leave his dog at home, but both suggestions he has rejected. How should I respond?
Alan Anonymoses, Vancouver
By Anubis and Argos, gods of the dogs, we must harden our hearts and not be sentimental about woofers and yappers. Your kunophilia is admirable, but it is not your dog. Presumably your friend is not going to let his dog freeze in the Vancouver deep and crisp and even. Enjoy your Christmas dinner with your friends, and suggest taking a chippolata or two to your doggy friend in the car. But on no account do so without your friend’s approval. People are proprietorial about their dogs and their food.
Squirrels, which my husband shoots whenever in range, are being fed by our very nice neighbours. We tolerate their cats in our garden but are dismayed when squirrels devour whole nestfuls of newly hatched great tits just outside our door. While the neighbours are away, our duties include feeding cats, watering tomatoes and, now, putting peanuts in the squirrel feeder. Thou shalt not shoot thy neighbour’s cat, but is his fat squirrel fair game?
Elisabeth Howard, New Forest
Certainly, provided that you leave no evidence of your sciurucide. Opinions are as sharply divided over squirrels as they are over foxes. The sentimental view sees the grey squirrel as a charming arboreal Nutkin. The realistic view sees him as a tree rat and prolific vandal. I was assaulted by a Scandinavian jogger in Kensington Gardens for letting my Jack Russells chase a squirrel. Death to squirrels, and magpies, and other successful predators. But better to keep it in the dark in our excessively sentimental (oops, sorry) caring times.