If another man insults me and refuses to apologise, what is the modern-day equivalent of seeking satisfaction? Given that pistols and swords are outlawed, would a mutual agreement to indulge in ‘fisticuffs’ still put us in trouble with the police? I have strong principles, so it could arise.
Steve Mitchell, Deptford
The police cannot object to a mutually agreed bout of fisticuffs, provided that this is conducted according to the Queensberry Rules (or thereabouts) and is properly supervised. Or, if punched in private, provided that the fracas does not excite attention or alarm the innocent passing trade. But should we be starting from here? The Brits are notoriously susceptible to violence, when in drink or provoked by an apparent insult. Violence shows that the insulter has wounded you, and therefore he has won. Wit shows that you are above such childish, chav behaviour.
When I am having a conversation with someone and the person persists in asking personal questions, perhaps rather a lot of them, this sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. How can I deflect such questioning without appearing unfriendly, and without jeopardising my association with the other person?
Name and address withheld
Learning how to deflect personal questions is a social art learnt only by practice, trial and error. You are a sensitive soul. Most people like nothing better than talking about themselves. For many, it is not only their favourite but their only subject of conversation. I deflect questions that I do not wish to answer by clowning: ‘I am Mongolian, on to my sixth wife, and I earn my living by writing the captions for the Page Three girls with big bezooms.’ Or words to that effect.
‘Any time you are in our area, do call. We shall be delighted to see you.’ If this type of invitation is received from seldom-seen acquaintances, and one finds oneself unexpectedly in the area, is it permissible to take the words at face value?
Aidan Jones, Barrow-in-Furness
You may take such a friendly invitation at its face value but it may be a ‘Phrop’, meaning the opposite of its face appearance, as said, for example, at the end of a holiday when you were members of the same party. So ‘We must have lunch sometime’ can mean in the hypocritical code of English manners: ‘I do not care if I never see you again.’ But you should certainly not arrive on somebody’s doorstep without warning of your visit by telephone or e-mail. If your surprised host were to turn up on your doorstep, would you be pleased to see him?
On rainy days I use an umbrella. When walking through subways and under bridges should I take my umbrella down? Doing so acknowledges that I am aware of my immediate dry surroundings. Leaving it up, however, is more convenient as I will be out in the rain again in a matter of seconds.
Dominic Clarke, Dublin
This is the sort of problem that made me give up umbrellas. That and having to fence and parry the umbrellas of others in the rush hour. In fact, the tip of my umbrella was bitten off by the top of the escalator at Holborn Underground station while I was concentrating on 14 across. It does not matter a toss what you do with your umbrella – up, down or sideways – under the Dublin arches. The only thing that matters is that you do not inconvenience others by making them duck or poking them in the eye.
Is it proper for a lady to shout ‘Bravo!’ (at appropriate times, of course) during an opera or a ballet?
Name and address withheld
Does the sex of the shouter matter? In my observation, those who shout ‘Bravo!’ at ballet or opera tend to be elderly males trying to draw attention to themselves rather than the performers. But there are occasions when the emotion of a performance is so great that we are carried away to express our exaltation. I have seen this happen, at opera, ballet and in the theatre. But not often. When it does, the god (Apollo or Diana) enters into the audience. We clap. We stand up. We shout ‘Bravo!’ Singers, cast and audience are carried away by the spirit of an outstanding performance. Propriety exits, pursued by a roar of emotion. It is proper to respond to the occasion. Whether it is proper for a lady to throw her knickers on the stage, as I am told that they do for an elderly Welsh crooner, is a separate question.
Can you advise a lady how to apologise gracefully to a gentleman from whom she had a very nice e-mail, but in the process of replying to it managed to wipe the long reply she had composed instead of sending it. The matter is particularly embarrassing since she graduated recently in computing science. She is contemplating confessing her foolishness and encouraging him to join her and some friends tomorrow up in the gods at Covent Garden to see Ariadne. Do you think that would be an appropriate way of proceeding?
Dr Margaretha Debrunner Hall, Glasgow
More than appropriate. Handsome and generous. What a good egg you are. How could anybody refuse such an invitation? Can I come too? Those of us who have no degree in computing science daily wipe, destroy and cock-up e-mails. By pressing too fast ‘select all’ and ‘paste’ instead of ‘copy’, yesterday I lost two days’ work. So I blubbed, screamed obscenities, sighed and wrote it all again.
After a recent concert, a woman behind me tapped me on the shoulder, and told me that she had had the misfortune to sit behind me for the last three events, and that she was totally overwhelmed by my perfume. This probably explained why she had spent the entire concert swatting my hair with her programme. I was struck dumb. Is such behaviour acceptable?
Janet Carr, Melksham, Wiltshire
Do not let batty members of the public spoil your pleasure in live music. On no account enter into an argument with such people. That merely spreads their confusion to others. The way to deal with them is with calm good humour and as few words as possible. And if you spot her anywhere near you in future, try to change seats.
Is it good manners to join in a Mexican wave at a public event? I did not join in a Mexican wave at Wimbledon on court No. 1 and was booed by my neighbours.
Mary Marjoribanks, Winchester
You were perfectly in order not to join in the Mexican wave. You preserved your dignity, though you may have given an impression of snootiness. Your neighbours were rude and unsporting bullies to boo you. But I am afraid that the yobbish manners of the Colosseum and Stamford Bridge have crept into Wimbledon. The official announcement of 1928 at Wimbledon laid down sporting manners: ‘Please do not applaud during a rally. Please do not applaud a double fault. Please do not confine your applause to one competitor.’ To remain seated during an idiot Mexican wave is a proud (though maybe imprudent) display of independence from the lager louts.
I was at my gym yesterday and sat in a weights machine, ready to start lifting. Suddenly, a young woman (about twenty) approached me and asked if she could use the machine as it was her last set. Bewildered, but attempting to be gracious, I left it for her use, assuming that she must have been in a hurry and that I would set a good example of manners despite her own rudeness. I saw that she was similarly pushy with other gym users. Later I felt annoyed with myself for acquiescing so promptly. Do you think that I was right to let her get her way, or should I have stood my ground and told her to wait five minutes?
Justin Gillam, Australia
Please do not let yourself fall into gym rage. That would undo all the healthy exercise you are taking. We all know such pushy people. They are spoilt children who have to get their own way in life, and eventually, inevitably, fail. Provided that I was not in a hurry myself, I should have done as you did, and let the rude young heifer barge in and take my machine. The world is full of selfish children, many of them in narcissistic gyms. The grown-up smiles wryly at their folly, sets them an example in good manners and generosity. And does a few push-ups while he waits.
Since my friend’s divorce I have been storing several boxes of his stuff in our spare room. We are moving into a much smaller house soon and simply won’t have the space to take it with us. The trouble is he is still seemingly unable to cope with organising his affairs and has begged us to take the stuff with us as he claims he’s ‘not ready’ to go through the boxes. How long must we cart his stuff around?
David S., Northumberland
It sounds as if you may be saddled with your friend’s luggage for life, as though he were the Flying Dutchman, with you left in port to mind the furniture. You are a good friend. Commercial storage is expensive. Divorce is a trauma, not least over the bits and pieces of a splintered existence. I should be inclined out of generosity to accommodate your unhappy friend’s possessions. Friends matter more than a bit of (temporary?) furniture squash. But if you really do not have room, even in the attic or the cellar or garage, in your new house, you must sit down with your friend and explain your Cachepot-22 to him. Maybe this will force him to get a grip on his new modus vivendi.
I have a nervous cough, possibly asthma. This irritates others, especially at public occasions such as a concert or the opera. A young woman in the Tube came and put her hand over my mouth when I was coughing the other day. What do you advise?
Jeremy C., Chelsea
What bad luck. I too have a tiresome cough. Perhaps the bold young woman was suggesting that you cover your mouth? If you really have a continual cough, you must avoid concerts, the opera and other public performances until you are better. A rule of good manners as well as public health is not to inflict such afflictions on others, especially on occasions where they need silence to enjoy a performance. If struck by a sudden fit of coughing in the middle of the string quartet, you must evacuate the concert hall as quickly and quietly as possible.
In this technological age, is it ethical to use my neighbour’s unsecured wireless Internet connection to e-mail Modern Times?
Adrian Thomas, Cambridge
No, certainly not. That is called theft. But then, you could always ask his permission. And even pay for it. It costs little. And it is worth it for a good question about etiket.
What do you think about tattoos?
Phil Vickery, Southampton
Tattoos used to be a class indicator of the Lower Deck and Pirates. They were popular among the Ancient Brits, but have become classless ornaments for both sexes. I think that they display vanity and epidermal infantilism, but maybe I am prejudiced. It depends on what you are tattooed with, and where. They make a statement, and it is not a statement that I would care to make.
Is it bad etiquette to light up when you are the only smoker in a group of non-smokers? Should you ask for their permission first?
Duncan, Cambridge
I think so. Smoking has become a problematic activity, and, in the eyes of health fascists, an antisocial vice, or, in extremely nutty cases, a deadly sin. If the smoke don’t get you, dementia will. It is good manners to ask anybody, whether you know they are non-smokers or anti-smokers, if they mind you lighting up. It always has been. It is good manners for those asked, unless they have asthma or some other condition aggravated by tobacco smoke, to assent cheerfully. We are social animals. It behoves, behuffs, behoofs, bepuffs us to show tolerance to the habits of others who irritate us, in the hope that they will tolerate our irritating habits.
Is it rude to talk to strangers in saunas? A young chap, who I do not know, tries to talk to me in a sauna when I am trying to relax and I find it infuriating. Am I wrong to find his manner invasive?
Caroline Walsh, Edinburgh
Silver-Footed Thetis, Queen of the Saunas. No. You are not wrong. Your persistent interlocutor sounds a bit of a pest. Perhaps he is excited to find himself surrounded by pretty, naked, female flesh. Is he trying to chat you up? I should say to him, kindly: ‘Dear Gregor (or Dear boy), I come here for a bit of quiet and relaxation. Do you mind giving us a bit of hush?’ Or words to that effect. If he persists, it is a matter for the steward of the sauna to ask him to belt up, metaphorically. At all costs, avoid Sauna Rage.
What is the etiquette for unwanted e-mails from people I have never heard of?
Peter Murray, Glasgow
Kill! Kill! Spike them at once. Unless you really want your penis virtually enlarged, free virtual Viagra or Tatiana from Omsk as a problematic mistress.
Is it ever permissible to ‘drop’ a friend? I have a friend whom I have known for a number of years who is only interested in herself and her ‘problems’ (which she magnifies out of all proportion). She shows little interest in others and when the topic of conversation turns to somebody else, she always interrupts. What is the polite way to deal with such a situation?
A. S., Wiltshire
Well, she does sound a bit of a pill. But she was your friend. Ergo, she must have some good qualities. It would be rough to drop your old friend suddenly. But you could taper the friendship gradually, without being unkind. We need all the friends we can make on our cruise on this Liner of Fools. We should try to see their good qualities and not let their egocentric manners get up our noses.
I am taller than average (6ft 7in., to be precise) and when attending social events (such as a concert or the cinema) people always complain they cannot see because they are stuck behind me. Should I feel obliged to always stand at the back? I don’t see why I should really.
Andrew, Sheffield
Alpine Atlas! I have the same problem, though I am not as lofty as you. In a concert or cinema I slump down in my seat to allow a clear line of sight to those unlucky enough to be sitting behind me. I have swapped seats or loaned my rolled-up jacket for the midget behind to perch on. Enterprising theatres provide child seats to raise the infant body behind the obstruction. At standing public events (wedding receptions, the pit at the Globe) I try to get my back to a wall. This is a good posture in any event, even for those who are not altitudinally challenged in reverse.
What is the polite way to chew gum?
George Patrick, Belfast
Sacred Silenus, King of the Chompers! That is like asking what is the discreet way to walk naked down the high street. To chew gum politely is an oxymoron. If you must chew gum, do so in private. The rule is the same for all munching in public. Why should you inflict your animal appetites on the innocent public? Wear a mask.
Knowing I am left-handed and fearing that I might accidentally quaff or knock over the drink of an adjacent, right-handed guest, a hostess smilingly consigned me to the far end of a dining table where I would not be ‘vexatious to normal people’. Really! Is such discrimination acceptable in the twenty-first century? Indeed, do I have a remedy in law?
Robert Randell, London SE26
What a silly hostess. And jolly rude. She may smile and smile, and be a villain. But she is still an idiot. The superstition that sinistrals (left-handed persons) are naturally clumsy is a daft old wives’ (codgers’) tale. It goes back a long way, to the Roman superstition that the left hand was ill omened. Take such folly with a smile.
A columnist whose writings I otherwise enjoy from time to time makes a jocular reference to ‘darkest Ayrshire’. Born and raised in that county, I find that the repetition grates. How can I persuade the writer to desist?
Muriel Higgins, Shaftesbury
Why not write a witty letter to him. I dare say that he only does it to annoy because he knows it teases.