Is it OK to leave one drinks party and go to another in the same evening? Can you multi-party, or better to say yes to just one per evening?
Name and address withheld
Party-pooping Pan! Factors of age, thickness of skin, stamina and geography come into play here. You are more likely to be tempted to party-hop in a city than in the country, where there are fewer parties, and acquaintance is less fleeting. And how many parties does a chap or chapess wish to go to in an evening? How many can you take without falling over, or shrieking and gibbering? Here is the Socratic view: one party an evening is usually enough for a normal constitution. But the old philosopher was himself an inveterate partygoer. The important etiket is not to put down your host(ess) by intimations or indirections or boasting that you have other engagements on the same evening as his big do.
I recently invited a couple to a meal at our house. As we sat down one of our guests placed his mobile phone next to his plate. I politely asked him to make sure that it was turned off and to preferably put it back with his coat. He was extremely surprised and obviously assumed that he would answer any calls and talk on the phone during the meal. I feel that this behaviour would have been extremely rude towards us, his hosts. Am I being very old-fashioned, and how would you suggest I deal with this problem if it happens again?
Judith Hinsley, St Cyprien-sur-Dourdou, France
The mobile phone is our modern juju. Inadequates worship the little God as blindly as our primitive forefathers worshipped mistletoe. Very few people need to be on instant call at all times – prime ministers, brain surgeons, editors. Your guest was rude. If I had known him reasonably well, I might have asked him to silence the little brute, with a joke, if poss. To a stranger, I might have sighed, raised my eyebrows imperceptibly and tolerated his absurd bad manners. And not had him to dinner again.
When is the latest that you can cancel going to a party? Are text cancellations acceptable, or should one cancel face-to-face or over the phone? Do you need to cancel informal drinks?
Name and address withheld
The etiket of party invitations is that you accept or cancel your invitation as soon as possible. This gives your host(ess) some idea of numbers, and how much bubbly and caviar she needs to get in. To turn up or not turn up out of the blue without letting her know is BAD MANNERS. The formal refusal is by writing in ink: ‘Persephone Pandora thanks … but greatly regrets…’ But in these days of ink shortage, any form of intimation (quam celerrime, even for informal sluicing) will do. Try not to telephone just before the party. Your host(ess) will be in the bath.
Does the dainty eater use spoon or fork for pudding?
Neville Peel, Hyde
Depends on the pudding, surely. Crusty banoffee tart requires knife, fork, spoon and resolution. If you use a spoon, elegant manners require you to use a fork to help shovel pudding onto spoon. Rice pudding or junket (yuk) require a spoon. But to eat pudding with only a spoon suggests Oliver Twist or peasant eating, with spoon clutched like a spade.
I recently read on an American website to advise (southern) naval cadets that it is not usual to eat the lettuce in a prawn cocktail. Can this be right?
Algie Spoffington-Ponce, Cheshire
They do things differently across the fishpond. It can be true that the lettuce in a prawn cocktail is soggy, old and unattractive. I should shun prawn cocktail and go for the smoked eel or lobster.
I recently attended an international Association football match and was astounded when rebuked by a fellow spectator for booing the opposition’s national anthem. I responded by ‘total ignoral’ and a thought of his inner demons, him being dressed in ludicrously yellow-checked trousers, casual pink cardigan and being so obviously Californian. Was I correct in my response?
Andy Deakin, Bromley
Better not to engage in repartee or fisticuffs on the terraces. We are there to watch the football. But why in the name of Wayne Rooney boo the national anthem of others? I am on the side of the ludicrously dressed Californian. If I find myself near you at QPR or Ayr United, I shall sigh and move away.
Should you offer to help with the washing up?
Name and address withheld
Polyphloisbuoyant Poseidon of the soapy water! Generally no. But if you know your host(ess) well, you may well lend a hand with the washing up. But at a formal occasion, it is impertinent to make the offer. Do not do it when you are invited by Her Maj to Buck House.
Many people, even the Queen, now possess dishwashers. And they do not want you breaking things and putting glasses away upside down in the wrong place.
I recently attended a classical music recital. On its conclusion, I turned around to gather my belongings when my eyes were met with the astonishing and unwelcome sight of a man of mature years apparently changing his vest. I was aghast. How does one react in such circumstances?
Joanna Drury, Newhaven
By Hairy Hercules out of his lion-skin, how inappropriate of him. But the correct reaction is not to flicker an eyelid. Total indifference. We should not let the bad behaviour of others detract from the afterglow of the Schumann or Tippett. High music elevates us to a sphere where old vests, like the grumbles of old codgers, do not count for a single penny. They are irrelevant.
My wife and I have been invited to dinner by a neighbour in two weeks’ time. Unfortunately, she has a dog that smells very much of doggy. I have not been into her house before, but when I was standing at her door the other evening I nearly gagged from the smell. It would be impossible for me to eat a meal in her house without throwing up. I would like to tell her the truth and suggest that we have the meal at the house of the other neighbour who is also coming to dinner. My wife says that this would be very hurtful and that I will just have to put up with it! However, I am sure that the neighbour would not be pleased with having to clear up vomitus on the carpet! I would like to tell a white lie and say that I have an allergy to dogs, but I have patted her dog several times and have never alluded to a problem. Any suggestions?
Francis Anonymoses, Aromaville
I fear that you have to grimace and bear it. In the circs as stated, you were ill-advised to accept the invitation. Your wife is right. I think (hope) that you exaggerate the likelihood of your puking. Come not between the owner and her smelly pet. Have a stiff whisky or G and T before arriving. You might invent your white lie about allergies to canines. Aaargh. Courage, mon brave. Odysseus endured worse pongs with the Harpies and the Sirens.
Is placing one’s thumb in the punt when pouring champagne the mark of a cad or a cognoscenti?
Graham Wassell, Pinner
I should leave placing one’s thumb in the punt of a champagne bottle to the head waiters and other professionals. It is a kind of wine-upmanship. ‘Hold a bottle by the neck and a woman by the waist,’ my dear old grandpa used to say. Use tulip champagne glasses, not silly pudding cups. Pour generously, about two-thirds full. Why would anybody use a swizzle-stick to remove the bubbles from a fizzy drink? That looks to me to be the mark of a cad.