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Holly
When you had a baby, you had to be prepared for things to not go according to plan. I’d intended to leave right after seeing the men heading off to church, but Ava had chosen that time to have a messy bowel movement and I'd had to take her back upstairs to give her a bath. Annabelle had offered to do it, but she'd had Ava all night and I hadn't wanted to take advantage. She was already going to be taking Ava in the evenings when I worked, so she'd have plenty of time with my daughter.
Smelling fresh and clean, Ava and I headed back downstairs. It was obvious from the noise from below that the men were out of church, and I nearly stumbled when I glanced over at the bar and saw Sax with his arm around Goldie. The woman looked too comfortable against him, and I saw from her appearance that she'd already embraced the club slut persona as if she'd been born into it.
My heart lurched painfully at the sight. How was I supposed to deal with this? Especially after what had happened between us the night before? I was still slightly sore from his pounding. I hadn't been intimate with anyone since the attack that had caused this whole mess between me and Sax. Well, it wasn't exactly true that the attack had been responsible for the mess we were in—I was the reason we were no longer together.
When I'd found out that I was pregnant I hadn't been able to bear the thought that the baby might not be Sax’s. Was it possible that Ava was his daughter? Yes. And it made me sick every time I thought about my deceit. Even if she were his, once he found out what I'd done he would never trust me again. Losing Sax had been the price I'd had to pay for having a child.
A girlish giggle drew my gaze to the bitch that was plastered against Sax. Goldie was a pretty girl, and she was rocking the low-riding short shorts and crop top that exposed her midriff and the fact that she wasn't wearing a bra. Her hair was pulled up, exposing her neck. Sax's eyes met mine just as he turned slightly to run his nose along her flesh.
I looked away quickly, fighting back tears, and made my way back to where most of the old ladies were sitting. Somehow I found a smile in me as everyone welcomed me back to the table. There was something about their expressions and the atmosphere in the room that made me feel as if something big was going on.
"Let me have that baby!"
I automatically handed Ava off to a smiling Bobbie. "Next time she does a mess like that you can change her. I had to give her a bath."
"I don't care," Bobbie said, nuzzling Ava beneath her chin and making her squeal. "She smells so good!"
"That's because she's new." JoJo and everyone else laughed at her comment.
"You missed the excitement." I looked at Annie for her to continue. "Sax is the club's new VP."
I'd already made it clear to the girls that we weren't going to walk around on eggshells when it came to talking about Sax. Somehow I'd convinced them that I was over him and starting a new life with Ava. That was a big, fat lie, but a necessary one. I tried but couldn’t bring myself to look back toward the bar, where it was obvious now that a celebration was going on. God, I knew that I would need to congratulate him. It was the right thing to do.
"Let me go congratulate him before I leave." I turned before anyone responded.
I took several calming breaths as I made my way over to him. He was surrounded by his brothers and all of the club girls, the center of their congratulations. Jealousy slammed through me, but I was determined to get through this. I could fake it when I needed to. Reid and Loco saw me approaching and moved aside to make room for me up against the bar. Goldie seemed to cling closer to Sax when she noticed me, a possessive look in her eyes that I didn’t miss.
"Hey, honey, come over to congratulate our new VP?"
I barely acknowledged Dancer's comment.
Finally, Sax turned toward me, but he didn't speak. He stared down at me with hard eyes and a tightness to his mouth that revealed his displeasure with my appearance. "I just heard the good news and, um, wanted to congratulate you." My voice grew huskier with every word. It killed me to see his arm around Goldie, his hand against the bareness of her waist. Somehow I kept the smile on my face, even through the slight quivering of my bottom lip.
His gaze moved over me, taking in the short, clingy sundress that I wore, his eyes lingering on my breasts. Everything fit me a little tighter these days, so that when my nipples tightened against the material it was noticeable. I hated him at that moment, because his slight smirk revealed that he knew I was reacting to him. I always had.
Was he not going to talk to me? After a minute of waiting for a response, I swung around and rushed off to the restroom. I didn't want anyone to see how crushed I was over his cold indifference. I told myself that I deserved it, but still it hurt, especially to have to bear it in front of the club's watchful eyes. Before I left the room I'd seen some of the looks on his brother's faces, expressions that revealed that they knew what I was feeling. The fact that they couldn't look me in the eye told me a lot.
I made it to the bathroom, closed the door, and leaned against it for a minute to pull myself together. God, this was going to be harder than I’d thought. I had to get out of there. I went to the sink and splashed some cold water over my face, using a paper towel to pat it dry. A churning in my belly warned me that I could easily toss up my breakfast. My complexion was so pale that I pinched my cheeks to get some color into them.
The door opened and I looked in the mirror to see Sax walk in. My pulse jumped as I took in his expression, and I wondered what was going on. "I think you have the wrong restroom." I heard the nervousness in my voice.
"Don't need to take a piss." His tone was emotionless, but it still did something to me.
"Then what do you need, Sax?" I turned to face him, leaning against the counter. "It can't be sex. You seem to have that covered, with the way you and Goldie were all over each other." I prayed that he didn't hear the jealousy in my words.
He grinned, and I knew that he had. "Jealous, Baby?"
I squared my shoulders. "Why would I be jealous? We're both free to fuck whoever we want." I flinched at the callousness of my comment. It wasn't like me, and the way that Sax's face darkened revealed that he didn't like it. "What I mean is—"
"I know what you mean, Holly." He stepped further into the room. "I've spent the good part of a year getting over you so I could move on. Today I plan to move on with Goldie, and any of the other club whores who want my dick."
I swallowed hard, fighting back the tears that threatened to come. The thought of Sax with any woman was killing me. "You hate me."
He nodded slowly. "Yeah, you could say that."
"Then what are you doing here? Are you here to punish me?"
His eyes moved lazily up and down my body, causing my core to clench with arousal and my panties to become wet.
"Maybe before I move on with someone else I want more of what I had last night."
Oh, God, so did I but not like this. He hated me, but I couldn't help but hope that they were just words said because I'd hurt him, that he didn't really mean them. I still loved Sax, so much, and I knew that there would never be anyone else for me.
My heart jumped as I remembered how he'd fucked me the night before. It had been different. More raw and primal than what I was used to with him. We'd always had an active, intense sexual relationship, but in the past he'd been more considerate of me. Last night he'd taken what he'd wanted, setting me on fire with his desperate kind of invasion of my body.
He stepped closer to me, but I had nowhere to go. Would I stop him? Was I strong enough to deny him? I found myself breathing hard in anticipation, both fearful and excited. "What if I don't want it?"
My question didn't stop Sax, and before I knew it he had me trapped against the counter with his arms on either side of me. We were so close that I could feel the heat rolling off his body, could breathe in the warm whiskey on his breath. When I couldn't stand it any longer I raised my eyes to his. My lips parted, and a tiny sound escaped me. His dark gaze dropped to my mouth, and I dragged my bottom lip between my teeth. His nostrils flared in response, and his expression flushed with hunger.
I waited for him to grab me and ravish me like he had the night before, but something seemed to be holding him back. I knew he was aroused. The air was thick with it. I watched emotion flicker in his eyes and saw the indecision there. He was fighting against what he wanted to do and what he needed to do.
"Can't make up my mind if I want to fuck you or strangle you."
Tears filled my eyes. "I'm sorry." I was sorry that I'd ruined us with my selfishness and deceit.
He moved the few inches separating us and unexpectedly rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. "Me, too, Babe." The words were whispered against my lips. "Sorry I wasn't enough for you. Sorry I didn't give you the baby you wanted." There was so much anguish in his voice that it tore me up inside. The tears were flowing now, my mouth trembling as I fought to hold back sobs. When he spoke again I could barely hear him. "Have a good life, Babe. I'll try to leave you alone."
With that he turned and left, and I crumbled. I was such a fool. How was I going to live without him? If I could have gone back to undo the damage that I’d done, I would have. Maybe Sax would have forgiven me in time. I hadn't really given him a chance. I'd just taken the coward's way out, left him a note, and taken off.
As my sobs echoed off the bathroom tiles, I was sure that they could be heard outside at the bar. Hopefully the celebration was enough to drown them out. I had to pull myself together and get back out there to Ava. We needed to go home. But really, was I in any condition to drive?
The second time the door opened Raven walked in. Our eyes instantly met, and it didn't take her long to see the devastation on my face. She rushed to me and took me into her arms.
"Oh, honey," she said into my hair with understanding. "I saw Sax follow you, and when he came back out I thought I should check up on you."
I couldn't hold back my sobs as a fresh onset of tears exploded from me.
"I knew you weren't over that man."
"I'll never be over him, Raven," I confessed, pulling back and angrily brushing my cheeks. "I love him! I hate myself for what I've done to us."
"Then why did you break up with him? We've all been asking ourselves that for months. At first we believed it was because of what happened when the three of us were kidnapped, but it's about Ava, isn't it?"
I just stared at the concern in her eyes. Everyone knew Sax's thoughts about having a baby. It was on the tip of my tongue to just tell Raven everything, to confess my sins, but once the words were out there was no going back, and I wasn't sure that I was ready for that. Maybe I shouldn't have come back after all.
"Honey, it's not too late to undo it," Raven continued when the silence between us grew. "People break up all the time and then get back together. Sometimes a break is good for a relationship."
I half-laughed, half-sobbed. "I did something unforgivable," I whispered. Our eyes held, and I could see that Raven was considering my words, unsure about what she should say. Maybe she was afraid of what I'd say. "No. I made my bed, and I'll lie in it." God, that made me sound like such a martyr.
"Do you want to talk about it?" There was caring and sincerity in her soft tone, and I loved her for it. I knew that I could trust any one of the girls to be there for me if I needed them.
I shook my head. "Someday, but not today, and not here." I forced a smile to set Raven at ease. "And before someone claims that I've abandoned Ava, I'd better get out there." I glanced back in the mirror to see how bad my face looked. I looked a wreck.
Like a woman who'd had her heart broken.