Mornings Aren’t for Breakfast
Jackson snorts at me, flicking his long, dark bangs back with a head jerk. “That’s your breakfast?”
“Shut up, Jackson.” I look down at my pink princess bowl filled with cereal up to its scalloped edge. “I’m not that hungry.” I narrow my eyes at him. I’ve been using this bowl every morning since I was like five. He should know that.
“I could eat that whole bowl in one bite. What are ya, anorexic or something? You trying to become a model? I can’t believe you don’t pass out with how little you eat.”
I am digging and digging, but all I can find in the silverware drawer are clean forks.
He laughs at me. “Come on, Allandra. You’re gonna faint by second hour with just that tiny bowl.” He takes a big bite of his egg bagel sandwich. Egg bits fall out of his mouth. “I’m telling Dad,” he says, showing me the egg sandwich in his mouth as I glare at him. He flashes that smirk all the junior and senior girls love—heck, some of my friends melt at it too. Traitors. They wouldn’t think he was so sexy if they saw how he eats like a frickin’ pig. I so want to punch that smirk right off his face.
I find a clean spoon in the dishwasher and whip around, shooting him my angriest face, with furrowed brows and a frown. “What are you, a two-year-old, with all that food spilling out of your mouth?” I roll my eyes at him. “Just leave me alone, will ya?” I run with my dry cereal out of the kitchen. “Asshole.” I say it loud.
I hop, tripping around the basket of towels in the hall, almost spilling my cereal. I shouldn’t have neglected to put the damn towels away last night. Wish Mom could have done it. She must have been too busy. Thank goodness I didn’t put milk in my bowl. Then the towels would need to be washed again. I hear Jackson laughing at me even more now, but I won’t look his way. “Assface,” I whisper.
In my room, I pull off my pajama shirt. Oops, fell asleep in my bra again. Mom says I should take it off when I sleep to let the girls relax at night. They’re too small to need that. I stare at my cereal bowl but can’t seem to push one dry morsel between my lips as I twist in front of the mirror. Here. This is where I look the best, the loveliest. I swivel my eyes back and forth across my torso to see what others will see when they look at me.
I sigh. Poke myself. I’m too thick here. And right there.
I dig through the laundry basket for a shirt. Ugh. I hate all these. Nothing fits perfectly enough for him to see me in. I definitely need ruffles today. Where is my white ruffled shirt? Panic fills me … I need that shirt. Mom said she’d do a white load last night. Guess she got busy and forgot. Crap. I’m flinging shirts all over, fighting back tears. Here, this black one works. Thank goodness.
There is a knock at my door. I peek at my phone and cringe. Time to go. Becca texted too.
It’s Jackson at the door.
“Don’t come in. I’m getting dressed.”
“I’m not. I’m leaving. Got to be to school early. Dad made me promise to remind you he’s working late today. And I have football. Find your own dinner. Or in your case, not.”
Like that’s different from any other day how? I hear him snicker. He adds a snort to make sure I heard him as he stomps up the stairs to the entryway.
I don’t respond, and he doesn’t say bye. In twenty seconds, I hear the front door slam. I find my smallest jacket from the pile and stuff my arms into it. The jacket resists my inhale, but that’s OK because that will be the easiest part of my day. I want to look amazing today so Hunter will look my way on his way to English. Or, even better, on his way to Geometry. That would be the best time because it’s before lunch, and my stomach will be flattest. I’ll have to eat something at lunch though, or Becca won’t leave me alone again. So, yes, aim to be seen before lunch. I shudder, and the jacket’s seams hurt my shoulders.
I bound up the stairs. I fluff Maxie’s fur. He gets a kiss. He cocks his head at me, but I give him a smile anyway. “Bye, Maxie Waxie, love you!” I giggle. “You can eat my cereal if you can reach it. I gotta go.”
Mom already left an hour ago, and since Jackson just left, I get the joy of trying to lock the freaking door. I wish Dad would just fix it.
The key won’t turn. Damn it, Jackson! Why did you have to ram the door like a zombie and make it a pain in the ass to lock? Football has made him way too effing strong. He can’t be gentle worth crap anymore. Mom would have been so pissed if she had known the truth that night, that he was smashed and not really sick. He was so wasted he thought he had already unlocked the door, so he kept ramming it with his shoulder, screaming about needing the bathroom. I had to crawl out of bed and unlock it for the dumbass. I pull the door hard toward me. Click. Finally, ya bastard. Why does everything have to be so difficult in the morning?
I rush through the brisk October air. It hurts me inside and out, but I’m grateful for the cold because it helps me forget my growling stomach. Becca is already at the bus stop. She’s wearing her best glasses, the pink ones that make her look like she’s not really smart. She loves those.
“Hi, Becca,” I say, still breathless from the cold.
“Hi. Took you long enough, Landra. Why didn’t you text me back? I was waiting.” She gives me her annoyed look.
“Sorry. Just felt a little queasy. Couldn’t find the right shirt, either. Gotta do laundry again.”
She shakes her head. “My love, my gorgeous babe of a friend. If you are fat, then I’m a fucking hairy mammoth. Ugh. Will you just shut up about that? You don’t get to be size one and complain.” Then Becca smiles. “Besides … you are beautiful. Stunning, even. Now shut up.” She gives me her look with one eyebrow raised that means she means it. “I’m serious. And you’re queasy because you don’t eat breakfast. Eat a damn carrot, Landra. Just eat something.”
“I know, I know. I just want to look amazing today. It’s hard for me to do.”
She sighs. “Oh, here we go. Hunter will notice you, or he won’t. If he doesn’t, then he’s a damn fool.” Becca looks at her phone. “Ginna is freaking nuts. She’s skipping again to see Logan. That girl is gonna get in trouble, and there will be no helping her. Or she’s gonna get Logan thrown in jail.” Becca shakes her head. “Damn, she’s an idiot.”
“Yes, but we love her. Do you really think he’ll look at me today? I spent twenty minutes on my makeup and twenty-five on my hair. I will just die if he speaks to me today.” I know if I look hot enough, he will talk to me. I just know it.
Becca rolls her eyes.
The bus stinks like after track meets. I miss track. It was great for burning calories. I can’t wait for spring to come so I can run track every day again. Really wish I would have signed up for cross-country this fall. Becca and I slide into our seats, and the coldness cuts through my leggings with way too much ease. As I sit my waistband shifts. I feel a roll of skin go over the hem at my waist, so I suck in my gut to try to slip it back in. Becca’s soft arm molds mine nicely, like a warm hug, and helps calm my nerves about Hunter. Becca can’t stop talking about Ginna, but I can’t really listen because I’m trying hard to slow my pulse. As we approach school, I’m excited, petrified, because I want to spot Hunter getting off his bus. Seeing him thrills and tortures me at the same time. He’s so hot.
I pile off the bus along with all the others and scan all the people, but I don’t see Hunter anywhere. Usually I get a glimpse of him getting off the bus. Stalker vibes fail.
“Hello, Landra, my queen,” Brian Smith says as he jumps in front of me. “You look especially amazing today.”
“Oh, hi, Brian,” I say. I stare at the ground as I take a step away from him.
“How are you this gorgeous morning?” he asks, taking a step closer.
“OK, I guess.” I trudge on.
He parallels my steps. “Your hair looks like a clear strand of heaven today. It’s perfection.” He smiles at me as I glance up, looking for Hunter to my right. Ugh, Brian’s in the way, so I can’t look for him. “I think you’d be a goddess with your hair up too. One day you will listen to me, and you’ll try it. And then you’ll see I’m right.” He sighs. “You just have one of those faces, ya know? You don’t need hair, but your hair makes you even more beautiful.”
He’s such a pest. I stop for a split second and look around. Where is Hunter? “Thanks, Brian,” I say. I manage to walk faster, but he homes in on me like a bee, sucking out all my personal space. I speed up, but stop again because I think I see Hunter, and Brian’s tall, bony frame collides into me from behind, curving above me like a C, making me lose sight of the guy I thought was Hunter. His hot breath beams down on my scalp along the part line in my hair. “Brian! Give me more space, for the love of—” My hand is in a fist.
“Sorry,” he says. I can hear his flushed cheeks in his voice. “Ready for the big test today?” he asks as we start walking again.
“Yeah, I guess so.” Even shrugging seems like too much effort.
“I didn’t study much, but I feel like it’ll be easy. Do you think it will be?” he asks.
I stomp on, try to look forward, but I sneak a look at Brian, which I immediately regret. I shudder as I catch his eyes traveling slowly down me. He’s scrutinizing every speck of me, like he’s going to draw my portrait later alone in his room. His smile is cringey. “Brian, you still aren’t giving me enough space. Personal space, I need it. Like, now.”
“So sorry, my queen.” He slows down a bit. Stops. “See you in class.”
“Yes, sounds good, Brian.” I look back at him and he’s got the puppy dog eyes. Damn. Now I feel bad, so to soften my sharpness, I add, “See you then.”
Becca catches up. “You dropped the leech quick this time.”
“Yeah, well, he’s hard to deal with in the morning. He knows exactly how to make my skin crawl.”
“Guy’s got it so bad for you, Landra.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“No maybe about it, hon. He’s smitten to his horny little core.”
I gasp and shoot her the look. “Ew, Becca!”
She smiles. “Call it like I see it.”
“Don’t give me images like that, or I might vomit right here, right now.”
She laughs. “You aren’t gonna throw up—can’t vomit out nothing, Landra.”
I scoff. Mean, Becca. Real mean.
“See you at lunch, hon.”
“Yes, see you,” I say.
I rush to my locker the long way, hoping I will catch Hunter at his. I’m almost running as I go past, but I don’t see him anywhere. Crap. I barely make it to Spanish as the bell rings. The day begins with a total fail.
My stomach is mad at me. It starts a growl, and the guy next to me (Tyler, I think) notices and smiles at me. I look at my desk and push on my stomach. I need gum. The smell of gum always distracts my stomach, fools it into a promise of food. I try hard to listen to Ms. Weber. It’s a massive challenge, and next to me, Tyler keeps looking at me with a smirk. His stare feels like actual fingers on me. How do guys do that? I stare at my thumb and rub its crooked nail with my forefinger while I try to ignore the nonstop stare he’s shooting my way. If this is his way of flirting, he sucks at it. Spanish can’t go fast enough.
Ms. Weber stops class to get a message.
“Allandra, you need to run down to the office for something.”
I just stare at her and try not to let my jaw drop. Just. Kill. Me. Now. What the hell is up with this? I feel everyone’s eyes on my ass as I walk out of the room. I keep my eyes on the ground. Whatever this is, it’s pure freaking torture. I so needed that ruffled shirt today.
When I reach the office, the school secretary motions me over. “Allandra?”
I nod.
“You have a phone call, honey.” She hands me the phone.
“Hello,” I say.
“Hi, Allandra. This is Jean calling, your dad’s secretary. I’m so glad you could come to the phone. Your dad wanted me to talk to you.”
“What’s up?” I ask.
“Your dad has an urgent out-of-town trip, and he has to leave now, so I’m notifying you at his request that he’s flying out to Boston this afternoon.”
“Oh, OK. Well, thank you, Jean.”
“You are welcome. Have a good day.”
“Bye.”
“Bye now.”
I hang up the phone. All that just for a phone call about another work trip? Geez, Dad. Just text us all, for the love. I bet he’s probably already on the plane.
“Thanks,” I say to the school secretary, who is smiling at me, a Lino Lakes High logo mug in her hand.
“You’re welcome. Hope all is OK?”
“Yes, my dad just has another trip. An unplanned one. No biggie. He just wanted me to know.”
“OK, have a good day, honey.” She has a round face that just radiates comfy kindness. She’s the epitome of Minnesota nice.
“Thanks,” I say.
Only four minutes left in Spanish. Maybe I can waste them in the bathroom. I don’t want to parade my fat bod in front of all those eyes again. I sit in a stall and stare at my phone, watching the four minutes go by. After two, I head to the mirror to inspect my hair and makeup. I touch up with powder to take the shine off my skin.
The bathroom lights hurt me. They make my skin a bit orangish, when it looked perfect at home this morning. I hope I don’t look like this in the hallway. I’m disgusting. The bell rings, and I rush out toward my locker. I need to get in place before Hunter goes to Geometry, but I stop because I get a text from Ginna.
Ginna: Super urgent! Can I sneak into your house for the day? Is anyone there? Logan and I need somewhere to go. My mom just came home and we ran out the back door.
Allandra: Idk. OK. Yes, I guess. No one is at my house today. Go in through the garage. You remember the code?
Ginna: Yes. Thank you! You are a lifesaver!!!
Allandra: Don’t make a mess. Anywhere. I mean it. Don’t eat too much food. Jackson always notices.
I swear he counts it all.
Ginna: We won’t, we don’t ever. Plus, we are the clean team in what we do. I promise! Love you!
Allandra: LOL. TMI. Love you too. Good luck. Super jealous.
She texts me a heart, smiley face, and thumbs-up. I imagine her smiling, flicking her silky brown hair as she always does.
I look at the time on my phone. Ugh! I missed my window to see Hunter go by. Now I don’t even have time to hit my own locker before my next class, though I don’t really need anything from it. I’ll have to try and catch Hunter’s eye after lunch, when my stomach will be all bloated from food. Damn it, Ginna. I stop walking and take the time to text her because I’m so freaking annoyed at her.
Allandra: u suck texting u made me miss seeing Hunter
I make myself breathe slowly so I don’t faint. I’m getting way too worked up. She doesn’t respond. Why should she? She’s already got her boyfriend, and she’s off having fun with him while I’m stuck at school trying to get a boy to even look at me, let alone sneak off with me. This day is bad. I need caffeine.
“My queen, how is your day going?” Brian’s voice wakes me up as I reach the classroom door.
“Bad,” I say. “And getting worse by the second.”
“Sorry to hear it. Can I help?” he asks.
“No, Brian, you can’t.” I stop walking. He mirrors me.
“Bought you your favorite gum. Here you go.” He hands me the slim pink pack.
“Oh,” I say. “Brian, you shouldn’t have. But I’m glad you did.” A lump forms in my throat, and I almost start to cry. Squash it. Damn emotions are riding me hard today. But, now that I have gum, maybe I won’t have to each lunch. Becca won’t stand for it though. She’s taken a parental role as my food police.
Brian’s smile is grossly big. “You are most welcome, my lovely queen.”
Wow. I pleased him a little too sweet this time. He’s beaming.
“You know how to buy a girl’s heart.” I giggle. He gave me gum when I really needed it. I can give him this.
“I know, right?” His eyes look extra blue as he smiles.
“I barely studied for this test. You?” We enter the classroom together.
“Yeah, I did. Wish I could show you my paper and help you but can’t now that she moved me way across the room from you.”
“Yeah, guess you shouldn’t have talked to me so much, then you’d still be in front of me. Still can’t believe she gives us assigned seats.” And he shouldn’t have touched my shin that last day he sat in front of me. I still never called him out on that one, though I think it was sort of an accident because he was reaching for his pencil on the ground, which happened to be beneath my leg. An accident, maybe.
“I couldn’t help myself around you.” He says it the way Jackson describes eating a good cut of steak. “Those were good times. Real good.” Boy seriously looks as if he will slip into an orgasm. Ew.
We walk to our desks, and I try to erase that orgasm thought. He walks to his seat slow with his head down, drifting like a colorful autumn leaf descending to the ground in a light breeze, peeking back at me every other second. I even see him stick out his lower lip in a pout. I just wave and smirk. He slips his thin torso into the seat and fixes his hard X-ray stare on me. Goodness, Brian. I shake my head. That boy really knows how to make me feel like he’s seeing every part of me in the space of a microsecond. I quit looking at him and look at my phone instead.
I mute it as a text comes in from Ginna.
Ginna: So sorry, Honey. My bad. Forgive me?
I can’t respond now, as Mrs. Mendez has started. She takes phones for the day, and I’m not risking that.
She slaps the test down on my desk. Becca’s right. I should at least have eaten a carrot this morning. I can’t think worth crap right now. It’s pretty hard to fake your way through a geography test. I’m screwed. I need Brian in front of me again. He’d love to know I miss him being in front of me, though he’d like it way too much, so I can’t tell him. I pick up my pencil. This whole day sucks.