If Glances Were Fuel, Life Would Be Easier
I walk into the cafeteria and find Becca already in the salad line. She motions me over. I know she picked the salad line on purpose for me because she knows that’s all I will eat.
“Landra, so? What happened? Did you see him?” she asks.
“No, I ran out of time because I was texting Ginna back,” I say with slumped shoulders, eyes on the disgusting food ahead.
“Oh, now what’s going on with her? I haven’t heard from her since this morning. I think she’s pissed at me.”
I fill her in on Ginna’s texts.
Becca scoffs and shakes her head, making her pink-haired ponytail jiggle a tiny bit. “That girl. Did you say yes?”
“I did. But, I’m so mad I missed Hunter because of it.”
“Well, just try for the next time.” She shrugs. “Maybe you’ll see him.”
“Right,” I say. “I’m actually sort of hungry now after bombing that geography test. I can’t think clearly. I need a carrot.” I laugh. “Right?”
“Ha ha. Yes, you definitely need a carrot,” says Becca. “Or, more like a whole carrot cake. Followed by a glass of milk and a sandwich.”
“OK. I’ll eat. But no carbs.”
“That’s fine. Just get some protein on it too, will ya? Or I’ll kick your skinny little ass.”
“I know, I know. I get it.” Geez, Becca’s worse than my ghost-of-a-mom mother.
We finish getting our salads, and Becca heads off to get a sandwich too. I go straight to our table after snagging a water.
I get another text from Ginna.
Ginna: U forgive me yet? I’m so sorry.
Allandra: Yes, I forgive u. You better come to school tomorrow, no Logan.
Ginna: I will. Promise. C U then. Want to bike to the park tonight?
Allandra: Sure. Sounds good. Text me.
Ginna: Yep. I will.
Becca arrives and sits across from me.
“Who ya texting now? Ginna again?” she asks. “She peel herself off Logan long enough to check her phone? Or maybe she’s still there.” Smirking, she cuts her sandwich in half.
I laugh and almost choke on a piece of lettuce. “Wow, that’s an image I didn’t need.” I chew, swallow. “Yep. She’s sorry. She wants to bike tonight too. You interested?”
“Maybe. I’ve got to finish a paper though, so I’ll see how far I get when you guys are ready to go,” she says. “Text me.”
“Damn honors classes keep you way too busy.”
“I know. They suck. Mom won’t let me quit them. She’s keen on me getting as many free college classes as I can in high school. Cheaper that way.”
“Right,” I say. “Does my hair still look like it did this morning? I feel like it fell apart a bit.” I have the self-esteem of a soda cracker today. If someone threw water on me, I’d fall into carb mush. I glance down at my black shirt. That ruffled one would have helped me so much more.
“It’s lovelier now. A bit more tousled, but that makes it sexier.” She takes a bite of salad.
“Ah, you’re too good to me, Becca,” I say, managing a tiny smile at her. She can boost my confidence like no other. It’s not like Becca’s fat, but she’s squishier than me, which allows her to give the best hugs. Maybe I should ask her for one. Kinda need that right now, but she’s over there across the table.
“I know it. And don’t you forget it.” She smirks and chows down her sandwich, making the light freckles on her cheeks more obvious.
I start to pick at my salad. I’m not hungry anymore, but I guess I have to eat, so I shove a forkful of greens speckled with turkey into my mouth. It feels odd to eat, almost foreign, but after a few bites it makes me feel really good to have actual food in my belly.
I survive science and then rush to my locker to wait for Hunter to walk by. I’m almost nervous to see him. I’m thinking about smiling at him, but I don’t want to seem too eager. Maybe just a stare. A good long one might do it. I look at my eye makeup in my little mirror. It still looks pretty good. I glance down the hall, and I see him. He looks so amazing in that orange shirt of his. Love that one on him. He is talking as he walks, but his friend leaves him. He smiles. His perfect lips move as he talks and nods to his friend. Every time I see those lips of his, I want to rush over and touch them. He glances my way, and my heart beats way too fast for my brain, and I feel like my soul skips. I keep my eyes on him. He notices my stare, and our eyes lock. My gut feels like it drops to my toes, and I gasp. I mirror his lingering stare at me as he approaches, but I pull my eyes away as he gets close.
Whoa. Did that just happen? That’s the longest stare he’s ever given me. My heart is beating so hard, so fast, but I look up at him as he walks away, and he looks back at me for a tiny second. An intentional look back. Oh. My. Gosh. And then he does it again. An extra glance. All the fails of the day have disappeared with this giant success. Hot damn, that felt amazing. My heart is racing in a rush of fat warmth. I smile real big.
“Hiya,” says a voice. It wakes me up. “How goes it, my queen?” It’s Brian. His thin frame comes too close to me, almost curving over the top of my head like it did earlier today after the bus.
“Oh,” I say. “I’m OK.” Still smiling from those Hunter glances, I try to slip out from under his hover.
“You look like you just ate the best chocolate cake of your life. I like this look on you. It’s satisfying.” He smiles. “Speaking of chocolate cake, I made the best cake last night.”
Ugh, it’s like he can see right into me. I wipe my face blank even though my heart wants to savor that delicious moment of my mutual stare with Hunter a bit longer. That is such major progress. I can’t believe it. I’m stoked to tell Becca and Ginna.
“What’s giving you such a yummy look?” he asks while trying to curve over me again.
Geez, Brian. Leech on me much? “Oh, uh. Nothing,” I say. I wish I could have smiled at Hunter, but I couldn’t do it. Totally froze.
“Doesn’t look like nothing to me,” he presses further.
“Don’t worry about it, Brian.”
“Oh, I’m not worried, I just want to replicate it myself.” He laughs. Rubs his hands together.
“I gotta go,” I say.
“OK, catch ya later,” he says. “Maybe I can bring you a piece of that cake tomorrow. No, I’ll make a fresh one just for you.”
“Yeah, later,” I say. I turn to run off but glance back at Brian. Did he just stroke my locker? Good grief, he’s a freak. And chocolate cake? Is he effing kidding with that?
I rush off to my next class, and what with eating that salad and feeding my heart with Hunter’s long glance, I’m so good right now. So good.
I board the bus and grab a seat for Becca and me. The rest of the day flew by so easily, so quickly. Long glances from a boy can do that.
Becca appears on the bus. She isn’t wearing her glasses.
“Hi,” I say, ready to burst. “He looked at me for a super long look, and he even glanced back at me. Twice!”
“Strong work, my friend. Strong work. I told you that you looked hot. See, I was right.”
“I guess. I just can’t believe it.” I press both my hands on the top of my chest. “Wearing this jacket was the right choice. I was so worried I wore the wrong shirt today.” I sigh. “Hey, where are your glasses?”
“Fucking broke ’em. My mom’s gonna freak.” She pulls them out, and there is a full crack in one of the lenses. “My favorite ones too.”
“How did it happen?”
“Gym. I took a volleyball to the face. Hurt like a fucker too. Why did I take that class again? Oh yeah. Makes me look like less of an academic try-hard.” She snorts. “I just need to get contacts. Hope I don’t get a bruise.”
“I don’t see anything,” I say. “I think you’re good.”
“Good, that’s a relief.” She sighs. “Though I kinda wish there was a bruise. That would soften my mom a bit, so she’s not so pissed.”
“I can’t believe he looked back at me. And twice.” I shake my head, making my golden curls dance. “That’s gotta be on purpose, right?”
“Yeah, I’d say so. And so now that he looked long and hard, you gonna talk to him?” she asks, scrolling through her phone.
“Hell no. I can’t do that. I need to wait for him to talk to me.”
“And what if he doesn’t?” She cocks her head at me. Smirks. “Did you at least smile at him?”
“Uh, well, no. It was just too hard. I was so shocked he kept looking.” She shakes her head, her roundish pink cheeks still holding a smirk. “I am just so freaking happy about this, I can’t believe it.” I grab my phone. “I’ve got to text it to Ginna.”
“I’m sure she’s pretty busy right now.” Becca scoffs. “Those two go at it like rabbits.”
“Hope not right now. Jackson’s on his way home. He texted me—he’s skipping football because he has a migraine. I guess I better text her and make sure she and Logan have left. Jackson will be so mad if he finds them there.”
“Then you better text her so she knows.” She laughs. “They might still be busy and need some notice. Knowing our little Virginna.”
I still can’t believe her parents named her that. I’d go by Ginna too if my parents named me Virginna. Virginia, OK, but Virginna? And with her last name—Virginna Yubeen—did they even say it out loud before they named her? I secretly think that’s why she’s such a freak. She just rebels against that name. “Right.” I text Ginna, and she texts back that they are gone now. “Oh, good. They’ve already left,” I say.
“That’s a good girl, Ginna,” Becca says. “I’ll see ya later if I can. Either way, I’ll text ya. Can’t wait to hear about Ginna’s daylong orgy.” She rolls her eyes. Sarcasm is her air.
I laugh. “OK, see ya.”
“See you,” Becca says.
When I come through the front door, I can hear Jackson in the kitchen. He is making a sandwich.
“Dad’s gone to Boston,” I say.
“Yeah, he texted me,” Jackson says.
Geez, why didn’t he just text me too, so I didn’t have had to parade my fat ass around in front of the whole class? I sigh, look in the fridge, then shut it. “I’m biking with Ginna and Becca later.”
“Fine,” Jackson says. “I’m going to bed. My head is killing me.” He takes his plate with as he leaves.
“Alright.” I pet Maxie. “Hi, Maxie. How’s my favorite dog?” He follows me down the stairs to my bedroom.
I head to my room and decide to throw in some laundry so Mom doesn’t have to do it when she gets home from work. She will be tired enough, so I’ll do it for her. I miss her, and feel like I never see her. Besides, I need more shirts. I may need the ruffled one tomorrow. In the laundry room are two giant piles. I better make it a big load. I throw all the white clothes I can find into the washer, making it a mongo-huge load, and imagine Hunter coming up to me tomorrow and smiling. I cannot get Hunter’s face out of my head, nor his glances back at me. It was better than any chocolate cake could ever be and way more luscious, solid, real. Oh, it was good. Just so good.
I feel a text buzz my phone in my pocket. It’s Ginna.
Ginna: U ready 2 bike yet?
Allandra: Yes. Just throwing in laundry, then I’m ready.
I shoot Becca a text.
Allandra: Ready to bike? Ginna and I r ready.
Becca: Can’t. Not done yet. U 2 just go. Still smiling?
Allandra: OK. I’ll text ya later. I’m still smiling :) Might bike past his house later, get a glimpse of his hot bod.
Becca: Good luck.
Allandra: Oh, what’d your mom say about the glasses?
Becca: She’s pissed of course. But what the fuck could I do? I didn’t want the fucking thing to slam into my face either. Fucking volleyball. No. Fucking chick who threw it at me.
Allandra: Right. So sorry.
Becca: Though now mom is considering letting me get contacts.
Allandra: Nice.
Ginna is already on a swing at the park, sucker in her mouth, legs wagging back and forth. I can see her grin behind her lollipop as she pulls it out. “I had a good and long Logan day.” She smiles.
“Shut up. I don’t want to know.” I clear my throat. “Your stories make me want to wash my brain.”
She laughs. “Sorry. It was just so good. The best, really. Ever. He’s a total genius.”
“Spare me,” I say with a snort.
“So, how was school?” She laughs at me. “Spill it about Hunter.” Ginna’s dark skin shimmers under her sparkly blush and pale-pink eye shadow. My friend is gorgeous even without makeup. When she brushes some on, she looks like a knockout runway model. I borrowed her eyeshadow last weekend, it even looked pretty against my white skin, but still, the contrast is prettier against hers.
I sit on the swing next to her. She hands me a strawberry lollipop, but I wave it away.
“It’s just sugar, Landra, it won’t kill you.” Her smile teases me.
I ignore her. “It was so amazing, Ginna. He was looking and just kept looking, then he looked back. He actually looked at me—no one was behind me, no one to the side of me. It was really just me.” I twist the swing so I can spin-twirl in a free unspin. I let out a squeal, and my hair flies up free, weightless as a puff of dandelion.
“That is so awesome. So happy for you. Now you just need to step it up.” She crunches her sucker. “Ya know, let him know how bad you want him. Come at him hard, and he’ll get it.”
“Ugh, I can’t do that. It scares the shit out of me. Besides, I’m more subtle than that.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s your problem right there. That’s why you’re still at the long-stare stage. Gotta grab him where it counts, my little sweet cheeks. Just go right up to him and touch him somewhere.” She smiles. “You’ll shock the shit out of him, but you’ll get his attention.”
“I know. I don’t need the lecture. I get it. It’s just not in me. Can’t do it.”
“You are missing out on lots of love. You know that, right?”
“I need to wait for him to make a move. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. He might not think of me that way.” I stare at the wood chips at my feet. He might think I’m ugly as mud. As fat and jiggly as a laundry basket of water balloons.
“All guys think of all girls that way. Straight guys, that is. Trust me. At least on some level.”
“Yeah, but I want more than just that.”
“Hmmpf,” she says. “I take it Becca isn’t coming?”
“No, too much homework.” I hop off the swing. “Let’s go ride. I want to see if Hunter is home.” Stalker mode on.
We ride past his house, and he’s outside in his driveway shooting hoops. How that boy has the energy for hoops after football practice is beyond me. Jackson always comes home after football and heads straight to his room after raiding the fridge. I stare from a distance, but Ginna takes off on me, and I’m forced to follow.
“Ginna!” I say in a screechy voice, pedaling behind her.
As she zooms past his driveway, she lets out a whistle. I could just die. Or kill her.