Memories from the night before flooded back to June as she stirred. What a strange evening. Brie’s arrival at the party had thrown her, and having both her and Trish in the same room was more than a little weird.
It was strange to have Trish in her house in the first place, to see her at ease in the kitchen talking a mile a minute with Ollie. By the end of the night, Trish and Ollie had been acting like old friends, which June loved. Trish fit neatly into her life; she belonged in it.
Trish had been different last night, looser and more relaxed. For the first time Trish had initiated things with her, touching her as they walked around the house. Trish’s slight tipsiness allowed her to fix her gaze on June a little more openly than she normally would. Trish’s stare dropped to her chest, and June turned around more than once to see Trish quickly raise her gaze back to her face.
There had been more guests than she and Ollie were expecting. Word had gotten around, and a lot of extra people tagged along. Their few rooms had been stuffed full of friends and strangers until the early hours of the morning. Eventually both Ollie and June had slipped off quietly to their bedrooms, leaving the house to their guests in the hope that they would all be gone by morning. June was sure the house was a mess, but she hoped there wasn’t any serious damage.
The memory that she was avoiding surfaced. The intensity of that kiss had shocked her, and shocked her still. There had always been something so sexy about Trish, a quality that peeked out from behind that buttoned-down façade that she presented to the world. Now June had caught a glimpse of it in the way Trish kissed, sighing against June, grabbing her hair. June wanted to see much more of that side of her. She had a feeling that it wouldn’t disappoint.
June rubbed her eyes and picked up her phone. There were two missed calls from Trish, and June pressed the button to call her back.
“June?”
When June spoke, her voice left her mouth in a rasp. She had been shouting to make herself heard over the music all night. She cleared her throat. “Hey Trish.”
The line was quiet.
Trish left the party half an hour following Brie’s dramatic departure. After the kiss, they had acted like nothing had happened between them. They stayed where they were, joking with Ollie about the crazy way that Brie behaved. Max joined them and apologized for bringing Brie over, saying that he hadn’t known what her agenda was when he’d agreed to bring her. Ollie poured them all another round of drinks and as soon as Trish finished hers, she excused herself to go and call a cab.
Trish leaned against the wall with a finger in her ear, trying to block out the noise as she gave directions to the driver. Words could not capture how badly June wanted to take the phone from her hand, and tell her that she should stay. It wasn’t even that June wanted to kiss her again, although of course she did want that. It was that June wanted to sleep in the same bed as Trish, even if nothing else happened between them. June just wanted to hold Trish in her arms.
“Trish? Is everything okay?” June said.
“I guess I just wanted to make that we’re okay, after last night.”
June sat up in bed, clutching the phone in her fist. Of course, Trish would think that she was mad at her. They weren’t supposed to kiss one another, they’d even written it down. But the night before had been such a strange situation, with Brie backing them into a corner and Ollie egging them on. Maybe the kiss had weakened her even more against Trish, because she couldn’t find it within herself to be mad.
“It’s okay. I get how it happened. It’s not your fault.”
“Thank you. I was really worried.”
“No, I should be thanking you. You really helped me out of a bad situation,” June said, lying back down and settling against the pillows. She couldn’t talk any more about the kiss without saying something stupid, so she changed the subject. “How are you doing? I don’t feel that great.”
“Me neither! I haven’t had a hangover like this for a while.”
“Bacon and eggs, best cure you’ll find. Did you have fun last night?”
“I did! I love Ollie, he’s so nice. So was everyone else. Well…aside from Brie.”
June laughed, putting her hand on her forehead. “I know. She really was too much, wasn’t she?”
“Indeed. But it’s okay. I should take your advice and have something to eat. See you tomorrow morning?”
“Same time, same place.”
June sighed when they hung up. They had never spoken on the phone before. Talking to Trish had made her feel like she was right here, her voice soft in her ear. June was lying with an elbow thrown over her face when Ollie dragged himself into her room and flopped down on the bed next to her.
“I’m scared to go out there. The place must be a mess,” he groaned.
“It’ll be okay,” June said, listlessly patting his arm.
Ollie turned to the side and pulled her elbow from her face. “So. Trish. Let us talk about Trish.”
“Mmmm,” June said. It made her feel exposed to think that they had kissed in front of everyone, although June didn’t usually care about things like that. It must have been obvious that she was very into Trish. June had been desperate to prolong that kiss, and had not cared enough at the time to try to hide it.
“I thought when I met her that she was going to be…I don’t know exactly, but I like her,” he said.
“What do you mean? What did you think she was going to be like?” June held her breath to hear what Ollie might say next.
“You know what I mean. I thought she was going to be full of it. But she’s real nice, real genuine. And she likes you. Like, really likes you. She couldn’t take her eyes off you all night. I really don’t understand why you guys haven’t gone there.”
“She just doesn’t want to get into anything with me. That’s what she says.”
“I think she doesn’t know what she’s doing. I don’t know, there’s something about her, like she just doesn’t know herself very well, do you see that?”
“Who knows.” June was becoming tired of discussing it and even more tired of thinking about it. She was prone to melancholy when she was hungover, and thinking about Trish this much was starting to hurt. Why did she want it so much, when she might never have it?
June poked Ollie in the stomach. “Okay, dude, we need to face the music.”
They rolled out of bed in unison.
After she hung up, Trish checked the time. It was past ten and she had no plans for the rest of the day. It was more than a hangover that was making her jittery right now. It was difficult to remember a time that she’d ever been so turned on, and all from just a kiss.
The contact with June’s body had been like kindling, setting her alight.
There was an obvious thing that she could do to get some release, but she didn’t want to go there. It would make her think only of June. It would bring back the softness of her mouth, and the muscle under her fingers as she’d moved her hands up June’s arms, toward her throat and into her hair.
Trish forced herself to get out of bed so she would stop thinking about all of that, and changed into leggings, trainers, and a black hoodie. She jogged down to the nearest dog park and circled it again and again. As her feet pounded on the earth, she ran harder and harder until she was conscious only of the burning sensation in her legs, her chest opening until breathing was easy. Trish needed to use her body like it was a machine, to forget what she really wanted to use it for, how much she wanted June to touch her. She ran for over an hour, sweating out toxins with her thoughts.
When she arrived home, she wondered if she hadn’t overdone it. She must be hallucinating.
Katrina sat on her front step. Trish slowed to a walk, ripping her headphones from her ears. Something must have happened. Someone must be sick or dying for Katrina to be here like this without even calling her first.
“Katrina? What’s going on?”
Katrina stood up, her arms raised as though she was going to try and hug Trish, but she dropped them when she saw the look on Trish’s face.
“Hello. Can we talk?”
Trish put her hands on her hips, still catching her breath. Her face must be beet red, and she was covered in sweat. Katrina had not apologized for the intrusion. Katrina never apologized for anything.
“You couldn’t call me first?”
Katrina’s eyes widened. For just as Katrina never apologized, Trish never demanded that she do so.
“Is this about the house or something?” Trish asked.
“It’s nothing like that. I honestly just want to talk. Please, can I come in?”
Trish walked past her, up the steps to the front door. She was too curious to not have this conversation.
“I’d like to clean up if you don’t mind. You can come in.”
As they moved inside Katrina looked around. “Wow, you’ve…it looks different.”
“Made some changes. Maybe you can make a pot of coffee while you wait,” Trish said.
“Of course.”
Trish left her in the kitchen. As she stood under the hot needles of water, she thought about the fact that the woman who had lived with her for so many years was a now a guest in the next room. If she knew Katrina at all, her ex would poke around their house for as long as she could hear the shower water running. Her house.
Let her look, Trish thought. Let her see how different I like things to be when I get to have a say in anything.
Trish dressed in sweatpants and a shirt, not making any effort. Katrina was always fashionably dressed. Today she was wearing crisp, dark blue designer jeans with a sweater, Italian leather boots, and a very expensive silk scarf. Trish was drying her hair with a towel when she came out to find Katrina in the dining room. There was a pot of coffee and two mugs on the table.
Before Trish sat down, Katrina looked her up and down. Trish had never been as lean as she was now. After the separation, Trish needed to focus on something that made her feel good, so she’d started running. She had gotten quick results.
“You’re looking very well, Trish,” Katrina said. “How are you?”
“Thanks,” Trish said, pouring herself coffee. “I’m a little tired, I was out late last night.”
“Oh? What were you doing?”
“I was at a party. What’s this all about?”
“I was thinking about you.”
“And?” Trish said.
“It doesn’t feel right sometimes. That we shared so much of our lives together, and now we’re like strangers.”
Trish frowned. She had struggled to reconcile that herself, but she always got the impression that Katrina left without looking back. It was heartbreaking that during all their talks, Katrina hadn’t expressed a single doubt about them breaking up. She had laid out the argument methodically like she was in front of a courtroom. She explained that they’d grown apart, that Katrina’s feelings had changed, and that it was the same for Trish even if she couldn’t admit to it. Katrina didn’t want a trial separation or to try to salvage the relationship; she just wanted to end it.
“I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to be friends. We talked about this. It’s gotten easier for me lately, hasn’t it gotten easier for you too?”
Katrina was staring down into her mug, uncharacteristically hesitant. “Sometimes. But I still miss you.”
Katrina reached for her hand, and Trish let her take it for a few seconds. Then she pulled it away and let it rest back on her mug.
“So, what are you saying, you want to catch up for coffee now and then?”
“I want to start seeing one another again. We can take it slow but…”
“What about your girlfriend?” Trish asked.
“We’ve broken up.”
Trish crossed her arms. Katrina had been dumped, and now she was seeking comfort in the familiar. Trish was someone she assumed would be there whenever Katrina felt like picking her up again.
“Why are you looking at me like that? I broke up with her, I’m not rebounding back to you, if that’s what you’re thinking!”
“You left me. I’ve moved on. And so have you. I think you’re just feeling lonely. I’m not here just to make you feel better.”
“Trish, it’s not like that. I miss you. All I can think about is that I made the biggest mistake when I left you. Left us, left this house.”
Katrina’s voice wavered, tears spilling from her eyes. She had barely cried during the breakup, and was never one to cry during fights. It had always gotten under Trish’s skin to see Katrina cry, rare as it was. She quickly moved to get some tissues.
She put the tissues in front of Katrina and sat back down. Trish didn’t trust herself to hold her, afraid of the feelings that it might bring up. Even a month ago, this would have felt like a beautiful dream. Recently she had ceased imagining it, and had ceased even wanting it to happen. She’d missed the point where it had ticked over, because somewhere along the way she had finally stopped paying attention to any thoughts about Katrina. Yet Trish could not deny the fact that this was affecting her.
“Are you seeing someone?”
Trish shook her head, cutting her eyes away.
“Has there been anyone else, since me?”
Trish didn’t answer. She didn’t want Katrina to know that she was the last person that Trish had so much as kissed, but then she corrected herself. Last night Trish had kissed someone else, and it had been the kind of earth-shattering kiss that she had never shared with Katrina.
“Maybe we could just date for a while. I could take you out for dinner and we could just see how it felt?” Katrina said.
“I don’t know. I really need to think about all of this. This is so out of the blue for me.”
“Of course, you need to think about it. I understand completely. Let’s just make a date for next Friday night, and you can let me know if you don’t want to come.”
It was such a transparent negotiating technique, making Trish agree to something so that it would take more effort to back out. Still, she might as well say yes, if only so that Katrina would leave her alone for now. She needed time to herself to think about everything that had happened, not just today but last night with June as well.
Trish nodded, then got up to clean up their mugs so that she wouldn’t have to see the satisfied look on Katrina’s face.
That evening, Trish prepared for their regular family dinner. Since their parents’ divorce three years earlier, Leigh and Trish took turns hosting the meal. The schedule gave equal time to each parent, and tonight was their dad’s turn.
Leigh arrived first, carrying a boxed cake. “Is he here yet?”
“Nope.”
“Good. I wanted to ask about your date!” Leigh said, putting the cake down on the kitchen table and rubbing her hands together.
“It wasn’t a date. I told you I was just going to watch her play roller derby.”
“And was that it?”
“I went to a party at her house, afterward.”
The bell rang, and Trish bolted for the door. She didn’t know how much longer she could spend around Leigh without spilling everything. Although it was tempting, Trish wasn’t ready to deal with her reaction. Leigh would be livid about Katrina showing up on her doorstep like that. It was for the best if she avoided talking about June. She was still trying to work out how she felt, which was hard enough without Leigh pushing her agenda.
“Hey, Dad,” Trish said, opening the door wider to let him in.
He shook rain from his umbrella and laid it on the ground, rubbing a hand over his graying hair. A retired high school English teacher, he still looked the part in his V-neck woolen sweater worn over a collared shirt.
“Hello sweetheart,” he said, kissing her cheek and passing her a bottle of wine. “Is your sister here yet?”
“Yes, she just got here,” Trish said.
Trish had set everything up on the dining table and they sat around, tucking into their steak and vegetables.
“So, Dad, has Trish told you about the hot young thing she’s been hanging out with lately?” asked Leigh.
Their father’s eyes sparkled while he looked at Trish. He had always been very comfortable about Trish’s sexuality, and often asked about her romantic life. Sometimes he was just as incorrigible as Leigh, although their opinions differed. Each of Trish’s parents thought that Katrina had hung the moon, and had been devastated when they’d split up.
“And who is the lucky young lady?” he asked.
“We’re just friends. There’s nothing to talk about,” Trish said. Images of June and her sweet-tasting mouth ran through her mind even as she issued the denial.
Leigh shook her head at their father. “Don’t bother. But mark my words, they’re not going to be just friends for long.”
Trish rose to refill their water glasses, hoping they’d get the hint and change the subject.
“I’d love to see you in a new relationship, honey. Look at Leigh, she’s settling down. You’re going to have to think about it one of these days yourself.”
“Why do I have to do that? I haven’t even been single for a year. I don’t have to be with anyone if I don’t meet the right woman. You are two peas in a pod, honestly.”
Trish rolled her eyes when Leigh and their father exchanged a knowing look.
“I just wish you’d tried harder with Katrina. She was so perfect. You shouldn’t have let her go,” he said. He shook his head wistfully, as though the break-up belonged in one of the Shakespearean tragedies he’d spent his life teaching.
Leigh was silent, but she was obviously itching to offer a conflicting point of view. Normally Trish would bite her dad’s head off for a comment like that, but it was different after seeing Katrina.
“Why do you think she was perfect, Dad? What exactly was it about her, and us, that makes you think that?”
He put down his knife and fork and took a long draw of water. “Well, it’s nice to know you want my opinion about this for once. You two have the same values. Katrina’s a hard worker, she’s great with money. She knows what’s important in life. There was always something so steady about her.”
Was it steadiness that made someone a great partner? Did it not matter to him that Trish and Katrina just fundamentally didn’t get along? Sometimes she realized that she and Katrina had been better at putting on a show than she had even realized.
“So, to be clear, you would be happy if Katrina and I were to get back together.”
“Over the damn moon,” he said. “Why, is there a chance that might happen?”
Trish looked at her father and then her sister, each of them sitting frozen with their knives and forks in the air. To frighten the latter, Trish shrugged. “You really never know.”