15

Love and Romance

“There are two kinds of sex—for babies, and fore play.” —P. J. Howard

The Wiring Is the Name of the Game

Love and relationships have always been associated with chemistry. Hence, the expression that two people do or do not have “good chemistry together.” From Bacchus (alcohol) to Romeo and Juliet ( a “potion”), chemicals have enhanced or detracted from the quality of relationships.

With the recent “Decade of the Brain” (1990–1999) still fresh in their minds, neuroscientists have enumerated some of the specific roles that chemicals play in the game of love. Here is a partial listing of the “chemicals of desire”:

•   Nitric oxide (NO). Increases blood flow and vessel dilation (associated, e.g., with tumescence).

•   Vasoactive intestinal polypeptide (VIP). Effects similar to nitric oxide.

•   Pheromones. Armpit-produced scents that elicit unconscious sexual desire.

•   Epinephrine and norepinephrine. Cause the heart to beat faster and enhance the effects of NO and VIP.

•   Estrogen. Creates desire in women (and possibly men) by triggering dopamine release.

•   Dopamine. This critical ingredient causes the individual to fantasize and consider the possibilities latent in a sexual situation.

•   Serotonin. Too much before sexual situations tends to suppress sexual arousal, but successful sexual activity results in the pleasureable effects of increased serotonin levels that orgasm entails.

•   Phenylethylamine (PEA). Associated with feelings of well-being and romance; levels increase during orgasm and ovulation and after exercise; found in chocolate.

•   Alpha melanocyte polypeptide (AMP). Associated with the beginning of an erection and the heightening of a male’s interest in sex.

•   Oxytocin. Makes possible pelvic contractions during female orgasm; contributes to bonding; often referred to as the “trust” hormone.

•   Testosterone. Creates desire in both men and women; low testosterone associated in both sexes with minimization or absence of sexual desire.

Now, those are the chemical pieces of the love and relationships puzzle. Let’s take a look at how they fit together.

TOPIC 15.1

Sexual Identity: How We See Ourselves

Our sexual makeup is complex and multifaceted. One way of separating this mix of issues, behaviors, feelings, and urges is to group them into three focal areas:

Identity: whether we call ourselves a man (boy) or woman (girl). In other words, do I feel like a man (or woman), regardless of my bodily characteristics?

Orientation: to whom am I attracted romantically—people with a different sexual identify (as in a man desiring a woman), or people with my sexual identity (as in a man desiring another man)?

Behavior: to what degree do I act or behave like others of my sexual identity? For examples, boys who act like most girls (e.g., playing with dolls, displaying effeminate voice, facial expressions, or gestures) are called “sissy,” and girls who act like most boys (doing math, playing sports, enjoying hunting or fishing) are called “tomboys.”

These three elements of sexuality are independent of each other, in the sense that, for example, a male could see himself as a male and be attracted to females, yet act like a female. Or a male could see himself as a female, be attracted to females, and act like a male. Just because an individual exhibits a particular profile in one of the three areas does not necessarily lead to a particular profile in the other two areas. One of the more common errors in social inference, for example, is concluding that a male with masculine behavior is heterosexual or that a male with feminine behavior is homosexual. These three areas of sexuality are explored, in the order listed above, in this and the following two topics.

Whether we see ourselves as men or as women is determined primarily by our genetic makeup. Brown University developmental geneticist Anne Fausto-Sterling (1993) proposes that sexual identity is really a continuum that ranges from female to male. Bimodal, to be sure, it is nonetheless a distribution, with points in between. Although the medical literature uses the term intersexual to describe people who are in between (for example, someone with a penis who menstruates; see her story about Levi Suydam), Fausto-Sterling proposes three intermediate points: herms (hermaphrodites, with one testis and one ovary), merms (male pseudohermaphrodites with testes, no ovaries, and some form of female genitalia), and ferms (female pseudohermaphrodites with ovaries, no testes, and some form of male genitalia). These intersexual categories occur in an estimated 2–4 percent of births. Other writers question Fausto-Sterling’s three intersexual categories, preferring to refer to them as a single complex of configurations known as the transsexual category.

In spite of the difficulty of nomenclature, there appears to be agreement that the traditional medical practice of performing “clarifying surgery” on intersexuals at an early age serves the community more than the person who is born intersexual. What little evidence is available suggests that the problems accompanying “corrective” surgery (loss of erotic sensitivity and depression over lost body parts, for example) are more detrimental to the intersexual than problems associated with socialization (taking showers in gym class and showing secondary sexual features, for example). Fausto-Sterling and others (see the letters to the editor in The Sciences, July–August 1993, pp. 3–4, in response to her March–April article) propose that society should support intersexuals as they learn to accept their sexual identity as something more interesting and complex than being simply male or female.

Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine chair of biochemistry Michael Weiss led a team of researchers in discovering a protein that governs the genes that determine the expression of male vs. female characteristics. Their discovery (reported in Genes and Development, July 17, 2000) challenges the traditional assumption that sex characteristics are determined exclusively by testosterone and other sex hormone levels. Although their research was done on Drosophila (fruit fly), the mechanism appears to be consistent in other organisms, including humans. In fact, research indicates that the sexual characteristics of some organisms (such as worms) can be reversed by injecting this protein. Ah, brave new world!

A section of the hypothalamus called the BSTc is 50 percent larger among males than among women, regardless of their sexual orientation (that is, whether they are homosexual or heterosexual). However, a Dutch research team led by Dick Swaab at the Netherlands Institute for Brain Research in Amsterdam found that in transsexual men (men who feel that they are really women trapped in the bodies of men), the BSTc is not only smaller on the average than other men’s, it is also smaller than women’s. Most of these men report feelings of liberation after a sex-change operation.

Applications

If you are a parent or a surgeon faced with deciding whether to surgically “clarify” the sexuality of a newborn or older infant, seek further information from an emerging literature and support service network on transgender and intersexuality issues. Fausto-Sterling concludes that in her ideal world, transgender people should have a say in any medical interventions. Read Fausto-Sterling, Myths of Gender (1992), and Fausto-Sterling and Rose, Love, Power, and Knowledge (1994). Also see the story of John/Joan, by Milton Diamond and Keith Sigmundson of the University of Hawaii at Manoa’s Pacific Center for Sex and Society, in the March 1997 Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine.

Sexual identity consists of more than gonads and other organs. Behavioral patterns and preferences (hairstyle, clothing fashions, mannerisms, nurture vs. aggression) also must be allowed a full range of expression. If an intersexual is comfortable with a variety of gender-related fashions as well as a variety of organs, others should not force such an individual into the Procrustean clarity of a Rhett Butler male or a Scarlett O’Hara female. (Not that old? How about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?)

Contact and/or join the support network of the Intersex Society of North America, 979 Golf Course Drive #282, Rohnert Park, California 94928. Website: www.isna.org.

TOPIC 15.2

Sexual Orientation: To Whom We Are Attracted

The emerging evidence points in the direction of a strong genetic basis for sexual orientation—that is, what influences us to find attraction in members of our opposite sex or our same sex. We are all aware of the debate on the choice or inevitability of being homosexual, which is defined as males having sexual relations with males continually, females with females. Such a pattern occurs in about 2–3 percent of the population for males, about 1½ percent for females. As for females, their sexual orientation is typically more flexible than males; females are more likely to be comfortable having sex with either sex (Blum, 1997, p. 128).

Consider the following litany of research findings that point toward a genetic, or biological, basis for sexual orientation:

•   Homosexuality runs in families.

•   Homosexuality appears randomly in birth order.

•   Homosexuals exhibit early childhood gender nonconformity.

•   The third interstitial nucleus of the anterior hypothalamus (INAH-3) is of equal size in women and homosexual men but is twice as large in heterosexual men. Homosexual men have fewer neurons in the INAH-3 than heterosexual men, yet more than women.

•   Monozygotic (identical) twins have the highest concordance rate; if one is homosexual, there is a 50 percent probability that the other will be too. Michael Bailey reports in the March 1993 Archives of General Psychiatry on a study of 71 sets of identical female twins, 37 sets of fraternal female twins, and 35 sets of adoptive sisters, each set including at least one lesbian. For the identical twins, 48 percent of those identifying themselves as lesbian or bisexual also had a sister who was lesbian. For the fraternal twins, this was true of only 16 percent; for the adoptive sisters, only 6 percent.

•   Doreen Kimura reports in the December 1994 issue of Behavioral Neuroscience that in a study of the fingerprint patterns of 182 heterosexual men and 66 homosexual men, twice as many homosexual men (30 percent) as heterosexual men (16 percent) showed more ridges on the left hand than on the right (most men show more ridges on the right hand). These print patterns are completely formed within four months of conception. Women and gay men have a higher incidence of higher left-hand ridge counts.

•   Kimura and Carson (1995) report that both men and women with higher left-hand ridge counts excel at typically feminine tasks such as those involving nurture and verbal skills, and that both men and women with higher right-hand ridge counts excel at typically masculine tasks such as those involving aggression, math, and spatial skills.

•   Gays and lesbians have a higher incidence of left-handedness.

•   A significant number of gay men hear equally well in both ears (most males hear better through the right ear, most females equally well in both). The latter finding supports earlier findings that homosexual men have larger connections between the two hemispheres.

•   Dean Hamer, of the National Cancer Institute, has demonstrated that many gay brothers share a strip of DNA passed down from their mothers. Expanding on this finding, Plomin, DeFries, McClearn, and Rutter (1997) report that such DNA strips—called linkages in reference to the unusually close proximity of the genes—in the q28 region of the X chromosome were shared by 67 percent of homosexual brothers but only 22 percent of heterosexual brothers, a significant difference from the 50 percent standard for independence of association. This research builds on the linkage phenomenon whereby two gene locations are close to each other, which is one way of demonstrating genetic influence of behavior.

•   Acoustical researchers Dennis McFadden and Edward G. Pasanen and their team at the University of Texas at Austin placed tiny microphones in the ear canals of 60 homosexual or bisexual women and 57 heterosexual women. The former were shown to emit weaker and less frequent spontaneous otoacoustic emissions than the latter. These imperceptible sounds from the homosexual and bisexual women were more like those of men (April 1999 issue of Journal of the Acoustical Society of America).

•   Laura Allen and Roger Gorski of UCLA reported the results of a study they made of the brain tissue of 34 homosexual men, 75 presumed heterosexual men, and 84 presumed heterosexual women (Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, August 1992). The anterior commissures (a communication link between the two brain hemispheres) of the homosexual men were 34 percent larger than those of heterosexual men and 8 percent larger than those of the women, whereas the anterior commissures of the women were 13 percent larger than those of the heterosexual men. This finding appeared to be confirmed in a later report by Sandra Witelson, a psychiatry professor at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Her study was based on a sample of 21 men.

•   Four collaborators—laboratories at Stanford University, the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center at Dallas, Brandeis University, and Oregon State University—have reported (in Cell, December 13, 1996) that the male fruit fly (Drosophila) possesses a powerful high-level gene that governs his sexual behavior. One mutation of the gene leads to indiscriminate, or bisexual, behavior; another mutation removes the desire to mate; and yet another mutation removes the ability to perform the “courtship buzz.” Fruit flies with all three mutations are perfectly healthy otherwise. In the first mutation mentioned, indiscriminate males who are confined together without females all engage in the behaviors of courting and being courted by each other.

•   Apparently sex hormones are not the sole determining factor. Although there is a small difference in testosterone levels between heterosexual and homosexual groups, a greater difference exists within groups. In one comparative study, the highest testosterone level belonged to a homosexual male subject.

•   Male homosexuals perform more like females on spatial tasks (i.e., lower than male heterosexuals); lesbians do not show the same pattern (i.e., perform more like their own sex).

•   Researchers (Nature, March 30, 2000) at the University of California at Berkeley found that men’s ring fingers tend to be longer than their index fingers, whereas in women these same two fingers tend to be about the same length. Among a sample of 720 adults in San Francisco, lesbians tended to show the typical male proportions, with a longer ring finger. Interestingly, male homosexuals showed a more “masculine” proportion than male heterosexuals, with the homosexuals’ index finger even shorter than those of the heterosexuals. Scientists believe that androgen levels account for the difference, with higher levels of androgen during early development of both male and female heterosexuals.

•   Among mammals, homosexuality is not an aberration of humans. In a major advance in research, Bruce Bagemihl (1999) has scientifically documented same-sex courting and copulating in more than 450 species of mammals. One of his intriguing, but not universally accepted, interpretations is that of “biological exuberance,” or the notion that the world is filled with examples of “excess” resources, such as the sun, that pour out so much of their essence that multiple uses emerge. Thus, the excessive sexual urge of mammals finds expression in behavior oriented in more ways than reproduction.

Researchers are unsure when sexual orientation is fixed, some believing the fifth month in the womb as the result of a hormonal wash, others holding to a period between two and four years of age. Regardless of where the exact timing lies, Blum comments (p. 142): “Either way, the timing suggests that anyone who argues that sexual orientation is a ‘choice’ is clueless.” Lest we see the evidence as all one way, here is a clear reminder that parts of the animal kingdom present strong evidence for environmental influence. Russell Fernald, a neuroscience professor at Stanford University, has found that male cichlids who reach the top of their dominance hierarchy undergo biological changes: their colors appear, the hypothalamus enlarges, and they become sexually potent. On the other hand, if they fall (or sink) from the top of the hierarchy, they turn brown, their hypothalamus shrinks, and they become impotent. All determined by their environment? Or an environmental trigger for genetically determined programming?

And in a more human vein, Daryl Bem, Cornell University psychology professor emeritus, argues for an interactionist interpretation of sexual orientation (D. J. Bem, 1996). Although Bem accepts an inborn biological influence on sexual orientation, he also sees a strong cultural, or environmental, influence. Bem says that we grow up seeing ourselves as more similar to one gender or the other, and the gender we view as different from us is the gender that we view as more exotic. As our hormones urge sexual arousal, this “exotic” attitude is transformed into an “erotic” attitude. More research is required to support this aspect of Bem’s theory. His view is certainly more cautious than a purely genetic or purely environmental explanation of sexual orientation. However, sexual orientation, like other life choices (business, religious, dietary, exercise, and academic choices, for example), is built on a biological foundation. Environmental add-ons do not eradicate that foundation, nor does the foundation prevent environmental add-ons.

In support of Bem’s argument for cultural influence, at the American Psychological Association’s 1998 Annual Conference, Marc Breedlove, a professor of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley, reported new evidence that sexual orientation is subject to environmental manipulation (APA Monitor, October 1998, p. 25). In male rodents, the medial amygdala is crucial for sexual arousal around female rodents. If the medial amygdala, which detects pheromones, is excised or reduced in size, then arousal doesn’t occur. The size of this part of the brain can be controlled by externally manipulating the flow of androgens, with a flood of testosterone restoring the medial amygdala to normal size and, as a consequence, restoring the rodent to full arousal capability. Breedlove concludes that, by extension, it is likely that environmental influences on human androgen levels also affect arousal capability. However, he has not performed the human research, and several questions are unanswered. For example, although the male rodent’s medial amygdala is larger than the female’s, Breedlove does not report whether the male rodent, in addition to losing interest in females, becomes aroused around other males when his medial amygdala is shrunk to the size of a female’s.

Conservatives such as the Family Research Council think tank are advocating “conversion therapy” for changing homosexuals to heterosexuals. The American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association have both issued policy statements opposing conversion therapy. Their opposition is based on their stand that homosexuality is not a mental illness and, hence, not in need of treatment.

Application

Homosexuality appears to have a strong genetic component. To the degree that it is not a choice, it is also not a moral issue. Apparently, homosexuality and heterosexuality are as natural as straight or kinky hair: most folks have straight hair, some have kinky hair, but simply being in the minority does not make it wrong! Medical doctors are a minority, but they are not wrong. Accept homosexuals and heterosexuals as equals, and don’t try to change a person’s preference or make fun of something that cannot be changed.

TOPIC 15.3

Sexual Role: Our Everyday Behavior

The third aspect of sexuality is the degree to which we engage in everyday behaviors, postures, expressions, fashions, and other habits that are typical of males and females within our culture. This third group (the others being identity and orientation) is apparently determined entirely by our cultural environment and not by our genes or biology. We tend to pick up these behaviors by observing persons we consciously or unconsciously wish to emulate. I remember a college senior who cocked his head and walked with a shuffling gait, only to be emulated by me in more private moments away from his gaze. I will not elaborate on these behaviors, as they are not apparently brain-related, except to the degree that they may reflect identity or orientation. Or not. And, in each culture, the list would be somewhat different. Table 15.1 shows some of the more common differences found in U.S. culture. There are many more, of course, most of which you are familiar with, such as extending the little finger when drinking tea. The point here is that these behaviors are all learned, and they can be unlearned easily enough, however uncomfortable the unlearning may be.

Table 15.1. Culturally Influenced Sexual Differences in Behavior
Typical Male Behavior	Typical Female Behavior
Stands with arms akimbo	Stands with one or both arms crossed over abdomen
Stands with feet parallel	Stands with feet asymmetrical, pointed in different directions
Stands relatively straight	Stands in something of an ogival curve, knees slight bent, hips back, chest more forward, head atilt.
When drinking from glass or cup, looks into it, breaking eye contact with others	When drinking from glass or cup, looks out over it, keeping eye contact with others
Likes more distance from other males	Comfortable being closer to other females
Tends to hold an infant with same arm as hand preference	Tends to hold an infant with left arm, regardless of hand preference

Hormone levels may make certain behaviors more or less natural. For example, congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH) is a condition in which embryos are exposed to unusually high levels of androgens during gestation. By taking a look at differences in behavior among children affected by CAH and those unaffected, we can get a sense of how stereotypical male or female behavior can in fact be influenced by levels of androgens and estrogens. For example, girls affected by CAH show a much higher incidence of rough-and-tumble play and also of play that covers wider space areas (as opposed to play that is more stationary) than is characteristic of other girls. These CAH-affected girls also engage in substantially less play-parenting (e.g., “I’ll be the mommy and you’ll be the baby!”), as well as selecting “boy” toys more frequently than CAH-unaffected girls (Geary, 1998, p. 235). These preferences are related to the larger play theme of elaborated fantasies called sociodrama, where boys tend to engage in more competitive, power-oriented episodes such as cowboys and Indians, military re-enactments, and so forth, whereas girls tend to engage in more relational, family-oriented episodes such as tea parties and taking imaginary family trips (p. 239).

The larger consequence of these tendencies is that segregated social groups emerge, owing to the fact that girls just don’t typically respond emotionally to the nature of boy play and vice versa (p. 241). We need to remember that exceptions abound, of course. When I was a tender youth in elementary school, I remember fondly playing dolls, dress-up, and “doctor” with two girls in my neighborhood. In fact, pictures exist, which I’ve hidden from my publicist, that show me in full gypsy dress, complete with turban, in an ogival sway to an imagined balalaika tune, with a broad grin indicating my complete surrender to my feminine side! However, as a general rule, boys’ play tends to have as its goal the establishment of dominance within hierarchies, whereas girls’ play tends toward establishing stable social relationships with more equal resource distribution (p. 242).

Elenor Maccoby (1998) finds three interesting phenomena that describe how boys and girls develop in gender identity. First, between the ages of 2½ and 6, children form strong preferences for grouping with their own sex. Second, boy groups interact differently from girl groups, with boy groups more competitive, girl groups more cooperative. Third, boy groups tend to exhibit greater solidarity than do girl groups, with boys being much more exclusionary and sexist. “Ooo, he was just talking with a girl! Sissy!” However, when boys and girls do interact with the other sex, their characteristic same-sex behaviors do not prevail. Maccoby offers biological, evolutionary, and cultural reasons for these near-universal tendencies. In sum, male and female survival has been traditionally enhanced by the competitive stance of all-male groups and by the cooperative stance of all-female groups.

Across a wide variety of studies (Geary, pp. 165 ff.) that explore the goals of the sexes across cultures, men show a consistently stronger preference for goals that involve hierarchical dominance and competition, whereas women prefer goals that involve building long-term, mutually satisfying relationships with other people. From day one, girls maintain longer eye contact than boys, and at six months boys gaze-avert more often than girls. Beginning young and continuing to develop is the girl’s superior memory for faces and the ability to discriminate between similar faces. Also, from one year, girls show more sympathy (by crying, paying attention, offering comfort) for other infants in distress than do boys, who are more likely than girls to show indifference to others’ distress. And from one year, though mothers initiate talking equally to boy and girl infants, girls are twice as responsive as boys. Boys are more likely to approach unfamiliar objects than girls, growing to increasing disparity in risk-taking behavior. When novel objects are presented, boys tend to pay more attention to, and remember more, physical details of the objects; girls pay more attention to, and remember more, the reactions of other people to the object.

Taking the Doer and Relater roles (see topic 15.1) to their logical conclusion, Cornell University researchers Jungeen Kim and Phyllis Moen studied 534 retired married men and women. They report (in APA Monitor, October 1999) that retirement affects men and women differently. After retiring, men are most happy about themselves and their marriages if they take up part-time employment. For retired women, finding new employment doesn’t improve their morale. Rather, they feel best when their marriage relationship is in good order.

Selwyn Becker of the University of Chicago and Alice Eagly of Northwestern University (2004) found a mixed pattern in their study of heroism and gender. They define heroism as an act characterized by three qualities:

  1. It is voluntary.

  2. It is prosocial (for the welfare of one or more others).

  3. It involves risk of life or limb.

The research pair explored the question of sex and heroism by analyzing five groups that have exhibited well-documented heroic behavior:

  1. Winners of the Carnegie medal (U.S. and Canada)

  2. The “Righteous among the Nations”—gentiles in Poland, France, and the Netherlands who aided Jews under Nazism

  3. Kidney donors

  4. Peace Corps workers

  5. Doctors of the World volunteers

In the first group, men outnumbered women (around 1 in 10 were women), whereas women outnumbered men in the latter four (around 6 in 10 were women in these groups). Their explanation:

Men are more likely than women to act heroically when

  1. The act requires upper body strength.

  2. The action required is immediate.

  3. The action is public—viewable by witnesses (associated with opportunity for recognition, and men’s tendency to more group-oriented behavior).

  4. The action requires emotional control during extreme danger.

  5. The men describe themselves as strong, aggressive, principled, and emotional (in the sense of easily aroused to action, yet able to control emotions while acting).

  6. The men are larger and more experienced or trained in emergency behavior (as in the military or the Boy Scouts).

Women are more likely to act heroically when

  1. The act provides nurture.

  2. The act involves maintaining and building relationships (associated with women’s tendency to more dyad-oriented behavior).

We think it goes without saying, even though the authors didn’t mention it, that women who perceive themselves with the first set of qualities (i.e., lower A) are more likely to act heroically in the first situation, whereas men who perceive themselves as more nurturing and relational (i.e., higher A) are more likely than other men to act in the latter four situations. (See chapter 30 for definitions of high and low A.)

Applications

Understand that so-called masculine or feminine social behaviors are learned, and that they are not necessarily indicative of one’s sexual identity or orientation. However, also understand that hormonal levels make certain behaviors easier to learn or unlearn than others.

To the degree that individuals are comfortable in their doing/instrumental role or nurturing/interpersonal role, resist trying to change them. If a man wants to work after retirement, research says it is probably not a bad idea, all other things being equal.

TOPIC 15.4

The Ideal Mate: Factors Influencing Partner Selection

Love! What is it? First, it is practically universal. William Jankowiak of the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and Edward Fischer of Tulane University studied 166 cultures and concluded that at least 147 of them showed evidence of the existence of romantic love. Although it is prevalent around the world, romantic love is not limited to marriage, and marriage is not limited to romantic love; many cultures permit and even encourage arranged marriages.

Several factors appear to influence the initial attraction. Let’s start with the nose. Women are more sensitive to pheromones than men, and that includes the odors emitted by one’s major histocompatibility complex (MHC). The MHC is a reflection of one’s immune system, and, evolutionarily, we have learned to be attracted to persons with immune systems unlike our own. Remember, in diversity is survival. Swiss researchers report (Proceedings of the Royal Society of London, 1995) that females have clear preferences for certain male body odors. Namely, they prefer the smell emitted by men with an MHC that is most different from their own—in this case, opposites attract. During higher estrogen levels, a woman’s favorable response to a man with a dissimilar MHC is strongest, thus increasing the chance that she will choose to mate with someone who can increase immune system diversity in her offspring. A complicating factor is that women on the birth control pill prefer men with similar MHCs. So, when a woman who is on the pill unwittingly falls in love with a partner with the same MHC, marries, then goes off the pill when conception no longer needs to be avoided, she will wonder how she got attached to the smelly partner beside her. Interestingly, MHC-dissimilar couples can conceive in two months, compared with an average of five months for MHC-similar couples. Moreover, MHC-dissimilar couples have fewer unaided abortions. Nature appears to have built in a romantic preference for strangers.

“Husband,” said the woman, “have you caught nothing today?”

“No,” said the man, “I did catch a flounder who said he was an enchanted prince, so I let him go again.”

“Did you not wish for anything first?”

“No,” said the man, “what should I wish for?”

“Ah!” said the wife.

—“The Fisherman and His Wife,” Grimm’s Fairy Tales

Speaking of strangers, Fisher (2004, p. 102) relates that when children live together (as in an Israeli kibbutz), something happens physiologically between the ages of three and six to prevent, or at least minimize, the chance of these individuals forming romantic bonds later in life. Vamoose if you want me to love you!

A third factor was identified by Galdino Pranzarone, a psychologist at Roanoke College in Salem, Virginia, who found that people have established an image of their ideal lover and ideal love behavior patterns by the age of 10 (see the discussion of schemas in topics 20.25 and 25.3).

A fourth factor comes from the anthropologists and sociologists. David Buss (1994), with a group of international collaborators, polled 10,047 men and women from 33 countries across six continents and five islands in an effort to determine what people want in the ideal mate. Buss, who was schooled in the evolutionary biology tradition that sees contemporary behavior as the result of natural selection, found that after intelligence and kindness (which both sexes ranked as the top feature of the ideal mate), men preferred women who were physically beautiful and youthful over women with high earning potential, whereas women preferred good earning capacity and ambition over physical attractiveness. Buss (1992) reports on a study of just U.S. couples, and found that males and females alike prefer mates who “act nice” and who “have a sense of humor.” These two behaviors fit nicely into the more global categories of “kind” and “intelligent.”

The fifth factor is symmetry. We tend to associate beauty with perfect symmetry. So much so, in fact, that the cosmetics and fashion industries have flourished primarily as a way for women, in particular, to disguise their asymmetrical features. Not only is symmetry associated with beauty—symmetry is associated with several advantages with respect to survival:

•   Symmetrical women and men have better immune response.

•   Women have more orgasms when with a symmetrical partner.

•   Women retain more sperm from symmetrical partners.

•   Men looking at images of more symmetrical women show higher increases in testosterone and dopamine.

•   Symmetrical men begin having intercourse on average four years earlier, and they have more partners and more extramarital affairs.

•   Women’s hands, breasts, and ears are more symmetrical during ovulation.

The sixth factor—this one has to do with men’s perception of women—is waist-to-hip ratio. A waist to hip ratio of about 70 percent defines the standard. For example, a 28-inch waist paired with a 40-inch hip would yield a precise 70 percent. Here’s what we know about women with such ratios. They

•   are likely to have babies.

•   have higher estrogen relative to testosterone.

•   find it easier to get pregnant.

•   get pregnant earlier.

•   have fewer miscarriages.

•   have fewer chronic diseases and personality disorders.

Seventh, what is ideal to a person can depend both on the time of the month and the goals of the individual, as reported in two studies by Dr. David Perrett, psychologist at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland (Nature, June 24, 1999). In the first study, 39 Japanese women were shown composite photographs of “blended” faces of men that showed more masculine (jutting chin, bushy eyebrows, square jaw) faces and more feminine faces. Women on birth control pills selected the more feminine faces consistently, daily throughout the month, but women allowed to ovulate showed a marked preference for the “masculinized” faces during the week surrounding ovulation, the time of greatest fertility. In the second study, 65 British women were asked to use a computer “face designer” to compose their ideal man’s face, both for the short term and for the long term. The task was repeated with the same women once weekly for a month. When asked to compose the short-term face (for a “fling” experience), like the Japanese women they preferred the more masculinized faces during ovulation, but when they were asked to compose long-term faces, their compositions were more decidedly feminine, regardless of time of month. Dr. Perrett concluded that women prefer more masculine faces on the spur of the moment but more feminine ones for the long haul. This mixed-mating strategy, it is thought, reflects an evolutionary tendency to maximize genetic contributions during sex for procreation (i.e., the more “masculine” faces) and to maximize nurturing contributions for the long-term task of child rearing and relating to one’s mate.

In summary, let’s take a look at a scientific checklist based on the work of Geoffrey Miller and Peter Todd (1998). Their conclusions are based on the above studies, as well as on other research in cognitive science and evolutionary psychology. According to their studies, four traits dominate mate selection: physical attractiveness, intelligence, social status, and personality. By enumerating the specific indicators under each trait heading, one can create one’s very own customized checklist for selecting a mate.

I have taken their recommendations and organized them into a checklist for your consideration (see table 15.2). Miller and Todd, further demonstrating their commitment to a scientific approach, suggest a specific way to set the ideal mate for an individual. Taking their cue from statistical search theory, they suggest that one first estimate the total number of potential mates one will encounter during the period of exploration. Second, make a commitment to resist choosing the first 37 percent of those candidates. From the first 37 percent, fix firmly in mind the best candidate from among them. Then, determine to select as your mate the next candidate who exceeds that ideal! Now, I call that the rational approach. . . .

Helen Fisher (2004) reports that, while viewing photos of their love partners, men’s brains activate in areas associated with visual stimuli and sexual arousal, women’s brains in regions associated with attention, emotion, and recall. This suggests, in the final analysis, that men are more influenced by appearances, women by memories.

The game gets complicated. What you see in your ideal mate may not all be there. William Tooke of the State University of New York at Plattsburgh found that during courtship, men tend to exaggerate their earning potential and ambition, women their youthfulness and beauty, each relaxing into their more natural levels of ambition and appearance after attachment has been secured. Caveat emptor!

Applications

If ambition or appearance is important to you in a mate, be aware of the possibility that your intended is deceiving you in order to win your attachment. Look to the past for his or her natural behavior by interviewing friends and perusing yearbooks.

Talk with your intended in order to confirm whether his or her levels of ambition or appearance are authentic or a soon-to-be-abandoned enticement.

If you are liberated from these classic needs of your animal and primitive ancestors, then smile at the antics of your anachronistic cousins and get on with your life.

If you are a woman taking the birth control pill, before you become irrevocably attracted to someone, spend some time with that person while you’re off the pill to ensure histocompatibility. Get a true whiff before you take a hard grip!

TOPIC 15.5

Lust, Romance, and Attachment: An Overview

Helen Fisher (2004) identifies three phases, or manifestations, of love: lust, romance, and attachment. Each is an independent system with its own neurotransmitters and associated neural networks. Lust is simply a momentary urge for sexual gratification, with no intention of permanence. Romance is the “elation and obsession of ‘being in love’” (p. xii) that is focused on one individual. Attachment entails feelings of “calm, peace, and security one often has for a long-term mate” that evolved to support rearing children. The three are independent—each can exist without the others occurring either previously or concurrently—but the possibility of a 1-2-3 sequence is implied.

For example, sexual intercourse (lust) and needs for fidelity (attachment) are less important to the person “in love” (romance) than the emotional satisfaction that accompanies the conviction that the intensity of one’s partner’s feelings for one match the intensity of one’s feelings for that partner—that is, you love me as much as I love you, you need me as much as I need you, you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you. As Fisher writes (p. 22), “The lover aches to have his or her love returned.” In a survey of people who identified themselves as “in love,” over three-fourths of both men and women responded that knowing their partner’s love matched the intensity of their own was more important than having sex with them.

Let us consider lust, romance, and attachment as the “alphabet” of love, with various combinations of these three systems explaining the many kinds of loving relationships found in everyday life, including film, television, theater, and literature. John Alan Lee (1973) has examined these many different forms of love and settled upon six. By closely reading his definitions of these six love styles, we can see how each can be explained (see Fisher, 2004, p. 95) as a combination of Fisher’s three types of love, similar to selecting letters (three love types) to form words (six love styles):

•   Agape. Selfless, spiritual, giving

•   Eros. Passionate, confident, self-disclosing; enjoys intimacy

•   Pragma. Requires the partner and relationship to satisfy certain preexisting conditions

•   Storge. Companionable, friendship-oriented, reliable

•   Ludus. Fun, exciting, non-self-disclosing; prefers multiple partners

•   Mania. Dependent, jealous, conflicted; yearns for love but experiences disappointment

People with the first four styles—Agape, Eros, Pragma, and Storge—tend to prefer mates with the same style: for example, Eros mates with Eros. The last two styles, however, are a bit trickier; Ludus and Mania tend to mate with other styles. This makes sense. If both partners avoid intimacy and long-term relationships, as in the case of Ludus, there is less chance of the couple staying together than there would be if at least one member of the pair were less avoidant. Also, if both partners are jealous and dependent, as in the case of Mania, there is less chance that they will stay together than if one partner is more secure.

Phillip Shaver, a psychologist at the University of California, Davis, has conducted extensive research on love, or attachment, styles (see Mallandain and Davies, 1994). By studying twins in the California Twin Registry, Shaver has concluded that love style is determined primarily by environmental influences.

Applications

Know your attachment style and consider the attachment styles of people with whom you find yourself becoming serious. The likelihood of long-term satisfaction is increased when your styles are compatible, as outlined above. Imagine Storge partnering with Pragma only to find after four years when the “amphetamines” wear off (see topic 15.7) that the companion is no longer available and Storge must look elsewhere for friendship while Pragma pursues his or her own agenda.

Consider conflicts in relationships, when they occur, as more likely to be the result of stylistic incompatibilities in values and expectations than to be intentionally hurtful. Rather than saying, “You don’t love me anymore,” consider saying, “Your style of loving is different from mine.”

Understand that not all persons have the same predominant need for love; some pursue only lust, others romance, yet others attachment. Understand your own needs, and make sure that your partner matches them.

With apologies to Pittsburgh, consider love as something like a Three Rivers Stadium in that the three love “systems”—lust, romance, and attachment—reflect the movement of three sets of chemicals, each set able to interact with the others. In the next three sections, we will explore these three “rivers” in more depth.

TOPIC 15.6

Lust: The Neurochemistry of the One-Night Stand

Lust is the desire for sexual release. It is associated with increased levels of testosterone in both sexes. In men, testosterone is highest in the early morning and in the autumn, in women around the time of ovulation. Unlike romance and attachment, when sexual release is found, the desire, in concert with falling testosterone levels, fades, only to rise again when testosterone levels rise. What sparks such rises? In men, it is typically something visual: a provocative décolletage, a pinup, a flash of leg. In women, it is typically something romantic—words and situations that suggest affection and commitment. In addition, both sexes can find lust triggered by danger, novelty, the five senses, music, romantic settings, and direct approaches (Medina, 2000, p. 83).

Applications

If you are the initiator of a lustful encounter, do what you can to communicate to your intended partner the nature of your attraction—a momentary attraction with no strings attached. All the same, be aware that, either for you or for your partner, lust can phase into romance or attachment.

If you are concerned that you initiate lustful encounters too often/too indiscriminately, be aware of the time of day or situation in which you are most likely to feel the urge. Then, plan to avoid the urge by avoiding those situations and/or occupying yourself with otherwise engaging activity—exercise, reading, fishing, and so forth.

If you are on the receiving end of what appears to be a lustful encounter, don’t be deceived as to the likelihood that this will be “the one.” Enter with the conviction that there’s no better than a 50-50 chance that this lustful partner will transform into a romancer or long-hauler. If it doesn’t happen, don’t take it personally. You’re up against genes and chemistry working within a body that does not have completely free will!

For an intriguing description of the physiology of sexual desire, see John Medina’s fascinating treatment (2000) in chapter 2 of The Genetic Inferno. He incorporates into his discussion four physiological systems, 11 regions of the brain, hundreds of genes, and over 30 neurotransmitters, enzymes, hormones, and other chemicals.

TOPIC 15.7

Romance: The Neurochemistry of Consuming Adoration

Dopamine, norepinephrine, testosterone, phenyl-ethylamine (PEA), and serotonin levels are associated with romantic love. Dopamine feeds the fantasy, the imagination, leading to a kind of love-sickness in which the imagination just can’t rest. During romance, dopamine increases specifically in the brain’s nucleus accumbens and caudate nucleus, and in the ventral tegmental area, the region that forms the reward network (referred to as the mesolimbic reward system) that is associated with cravings and addictions. In animal studies, increasing dopamine levels serves as a love potion, causing the subject to fall head over heels for whomever happens to be nearby at the time, just like Titania’s hard fall for the donkey-headed Bottom after falling under the spell of Puck’s potion in Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream. As Fisher (2004) writes, “All of the major addictions are associated with elevated levels of dopamine. Is romantic love an addiction? Yes. . . . ” Dopamine is intimately involved with the brain’s reward system, and failure to achieve one’s romantic love interests serves to ramp up dopamine levels even more, such that the cravings become more intense with the unavailability of one’s beloved.

As dopamine levels increase, two other chemicals are affected. Dopamine typically drives up testosterone levels, thereby increasing sexual desire, and dopamine metabolizes into norepinephrine. Norepinephrine supports this imagination-run-wild by providing increased energy and a sense of euphoria, like being on uppers. Who needs sleep and food when all you can think about is your beloved? As norepinephrine levels rise, details of the lover’s experience with the beloved are imprinted in long-term memory, because norepinephrine serves as a kind of “fixer” to establish memories, like fixers in old-time photographic darkrooms. So, with romance, it all starts with rising dopamine, which leads to increases in norepinephrine and possibly in testosterone.

An interesting consequence of this chemical confluence is that serotonin levels plummet, causing a discomfiture akin to that of obsessive-compulsive disorder, in which low levels of serotonin permit the obsessive quality of romance to persist, dreams to arise, and business as usual to be forgotten.

Now, this neural romance network is strikingly similar to the network that Dean Hamer identified as the neural underpinnings of spirituality (which he calls self-transcendence; see topic 35.5). In both cases—romance and self-transcendence—what Gerald Edelman (1992) calls basic or primary consciousness (knowing who, where, and when you are) gives way to higher or secondary consciousness (losing your orientation and being overtaken by the focus of your will or attention). Both of these processes are similar (if not identical) to Csikszentmihalyi’s flow concept (see topic 34.2), which he describes as the state of total absorption in the activity of the moment to the extent that one loses one’s sense of time and space. An attempt to put all of these processes into some perspective is made in topic 34.4.

Applications

Understand that being in love is like an addiction, and that you need to find a way to take objective assessment of the situation.

If you are uncertain whether your beloved returns your feelings, you may use the strategies suggested at topic 15.9 for maintaining relationships, in hopes that maintenance behavior will bring her or him around.

On the other hand, if you get the clear message that your love is not mutual, realize that you need to cure yourself of your addiction. Try the strategies for overcoming rejection suggested in topic 15.10.

TOPIC 15.8

Attachment: The Neurochemistry of the Long-Haul Relationship

It is more common for romance to lead to lust than the other way around. Attachment, however, is another matter. Attachment is for the long haul and may proceed with or without lust or romance. Vasopressin and oxytocin are the chemicals of attachment. Produced in the hypothalamus and the gonads of both sexes, vasopressin and oxytocin are known as the “satisfaction hormones” or the “cuddle chemicals” (LeDoux, 2002, p. 89) and are associated with bonding and exclusivity in relationships. LeDoux points out that oxytocin enhances bonding only in females, whereas the parallel process in males is enhanced by vasopressin. Both are dependent on the presence of their sex-appropriate hormones, estrogen and testosterone, respectively (p. 232). Tom Insel and Larry Young, neuroscientists at Emory University, reported (in Nature, August 19, 1999) that it is not just the amount of vasopressin present that makes for monogamy, it is the relative number of vasopressin receptors. By taking the gene for vasopressin receptors from prairie voles and activating it in mice, the researchers were able to change the mice from their well-known polygamous patterns to a pattern which, if not strictly monogamous, was characterized by an atypical (for male mice) amount of affiliative activity with the female. Perhaps a touch of vasopressin will make homebodies of us all.

Elevated during sexual intercourse (especially as the nipples and genitals are touched), and especially at orgasm, these chemicals create the sense of closeness that follows intercourse. In addition, they are released during birth and during breastfeeding. And natural evolution has introduced a healthy irony here: as the cuddle chemicals increase, testosterone is typically at minimum. With true attachment comes decreased desire and hence decreased need for straying to satisfy lust. When a man holds an infant, testosterone falls. But in an often cruel alternate scenario, when testosterone rises, the cuddle chemicals tend to recede. So when the mate finds stimulating circumstances away from the life partner, best close one’s eyes, about face, and remove oneself lest the testosterone rise and the cuddle chemicals go bye-bye. In passing, recall the animals who exhibit lifelong attachment with no roaming (e.g., the male sparrow): when experimenters inject them with testosterone, they abandon their commitment and look for the first available sex partner. Just as the chemicals of attachment can tamp down lust, the chemicals of lust can lessen attachment (p. 91). Thus, a role for choice and intention. Infidelity is not all about hormones, but one must understand what the hormones are doing.

Animals with similar body size for both sexes tend to be monogamous, evolutionarily related to the ability of the two sexes to swap functions. Bone records from 300,000 years ago show male human skeletons that are twice the size of female skeletons. We appear to be headed toward being a more monogamous species.

Earlier, we said these three systems were independent. Deborah Blum (1997) writes (pp. 94 ff.) about experimenters with prairie voles who, by manipulating the appropriate chemicals, can modify behavior so that voles may or may not play around, and may or may not be monogamous, resulting in four conditions that can be changed with the appropriate injection(s):

  1. Married for life with some playing around

  2. Married for life with no playing around

  3. Unattached for life with playing around

  4. Unattached for life with no playing around

Mary Ainsworth (1978) and John Bowlby (1965) found that in their first year infants grow into one of three ways of relating—secure, anxious, or avoidant—based on how their parents or caregivers treat them. The secure child sees the mother as supportive and feels free to explore the world, the anxious child views the mother as an unpredictable caregiver and commits his or her life to earning the mother’s love, and the avoidant child sees the mother as rejecting and consequently discounts his or her own needs. It would appear that the anxious attachment style would be characteristic of those of us with varying or inadequate levels of oxytocin or vasopressin, the avoidant style associated with consistently low levels of these attachment chemicals.

Donald Kiesler (1996) produced a definitive review of the literature on relationships. He identified two crucial principles for their long-term viability, whether marital or otherwise: the interpersonal reflex (p. 6) and the behavior concordance model (p. 49). The interpersonal reflex principle states that “any interpersonal act is designed to elicit from a respondent reactions that confirm, reinforce, or validate the actor’s self-presentation and that make it more likely that the actor will continue to emit similar interpersonal acts” (p. 6). When Neil Diamond laments, “You don’t give me flowers anymore,” he is revealing that either (1) he is no longer behaving in a way that encourages the woman to continue giving him flowers, or (2) she has given up on him as a mate and is focusing elsewhere. In either case, things need fixing.

The behavior concordance model has established that “individuals will feel pleasant affect when they behave consistently with their traits” (p. 49) and unpleasant affect when they behave inconsistently with their traits. Have you ever heard of people who were “not happy unless they were unhappy”? Pity the worrier who has nothing to worry about, the gregarious talker who has no ears around, the ambitious worker who has no goal. They are unhappy campers. The relevance to relationships is this: to maximize the chances of your happiness and the happiness of your mate, ensure that you validate the core behaviors (traits, values, interests, attitudes, and skills) of your mate and that your mate validates yours. More important, early in the relationship, learn what these core behaviors are and decide whether you feel good about validating them for a lifetime.

Applications

Be careful that you don’t validate someone’s behavior unintentionally; you may dig yourself into such a deep hole that you can’t get out. A friend faked orgasm with her mate for years. The consequence? He didn’t develop as a lover, and she grew resentful.

On the other hand, be careful that you don’t invalidate someone’s behavior that you wish to maintain. Avoid saying “You shouldn’t have done that” when your meaning is “Thank you!” because the other person may, in fact, stop doing that. Or if you wonder why a friend hasn’t asked you back for dinner, look for the possibility that you neglected to confirm your enjoyment of the last dinner (by returning the favor, taking a house gift, writing a note, mentioning it favorably at a later date, and so on).

If you are in the beginning phases of a relationship, romantic, work, or otherwise, and you know that you want the relationship to be long-term, learn all you can about the other person’s core values and behaviors and share as much of your core values and behaviors as you can. This might not seem important during the honeymoon or “amphetamine” phase, but it makes all the difference in the world when, after the initial euphoria wears off, you are a Willie Nelson groupie left to live life with a Mozart maniac, or a Sierra Club enthusiast tied to an nonrecycler who drives a gas guzzler.

TOPIC 15.9

Maintaining Relationships

We have emphasized that males are wired to do and achieve, females to talk and nurture (Moir and Jessel, 1991). Expecting a male to talk, and only talk, can be highly uncomfortable for the male and rather unproductive as well. Expecting a female to engage in an activity without talking can be equally uncomfortable and unproductive for the female. In order to keep communication between males and females at the maximum, both should attempt to initiate serious conversation when the male is engaged in some form of physical activity, such as walking, trimming his fingernails, or gardening. In a scene from the movie City of Angels, the doctor friend of Meg Ryan, advancing his case for a proposal of marriage, recommends that they “get away” for a while. She says, “Why not right now? Let’s just spend the next five minutes together, with nothing else on our minds.” He says, “Five minutes? Doing what?” As a typical male, he just doesn’t get it. She wants to chat intimately with him, but the very thought makes him uncomfortable. He wants to be doing something.

On another front, the University of Washington’s John Gottman studied 130 newlyweds for six years to find ways of predicting marital success and failure. A commonsensical finding emerged: men who accepted the influence of their wives, and wives who presented requests, complaints, or suggestions in a warm, even humorous, manner were most likely to be in happy marriages for the long term. The gist of this report (Journal of Marriage and the Family, February 1998) is consistent with the behavior common to the midrange of the Accommodation dimension of the Big Five personality model (see chapter 30). In a related finding, Gottman reported that the use of interpersonal listening and communication techniques such as active listening were not predictive of marital success. Perhaps this is because therapists teach troubled partners such techniques too late in their downward spiral.

Judith Rich Harris (1998) has found that, by the age of four, children form the ability to attach to someone. If they have no opportunity to form such attachments (with siblings, friends, parents, or other family) and have not therefore exercised their “relationship module” in the brain, then they will have difficulty as adults in forming relationships.

Applications

In most male-female relationships, conflict arises when the female wants to talk and the male wants to act; the classic example is the female preference in lovemaking for greater foreplay and the male preference for immediate release. The solution to this type of conflict is to allow the other person’s style to be expressed: the male agrees to talk if he is allowed to continue working in the yard, and the female agrees to work in the yard with him if he will talk with her. Males need to be willing to listen and respond while doing, and females need to be willing to “do” as a stage for talking. For example, a male and female who go to a ball game or museum may discuss family matters during appropriate lulls. Or they may just go for a drive together, with the male driving (doing) while they are talking. An alternative is to set aside exclusive times to talk without doing and vice versa.

Any negotiating team should include females. They provide a willingness to talk and work on relationships that balances the males’ desire for a quick fix.

Human resource functions in organizations should include females in decision-making or advisory roles.

One way to get males to talk more is to make something of a game or contest out of it. A traditional male is more likely to engage in talk when he can see communication skills as a set of tools to master. That way he is not just “talking”; he is practicing a skill set.

Neither a doormat nor a deaf ear be. For optimum satisfaction in a long-term relationship, make sure that neither of you gets your way to the exclusion of the other party. Harold Kelley (Kelley and Thibaut, 1978) describes this ideal relationship as “interdependent.” Interdependence exists when neither person experiences costs (pain, labor, drudgery) that exceed rewards (life’s pleasures).

If you desire a long-term relationship, ensure that you find substantial features about your mate that you respect and admire, so that when the attraction phase wears down after several years, you will still derive your daily dose of endorphins for the long term.

Novelty. Do something new, something exciting or different—the very novelty will increase dopamine levels with their associated tonic effects. Create new memories. Love loves variety.

Sex. Have sexual intercourse in which seminal fluids from a trusted partner are admitted. Seminal fluids contain dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin, vasopressin, and testosterone—for all three love chemical groups (lust, romance, and attachment). Plus endorphins!

Space. Don’t crowd the other person. Absence of one’s beloved heightens dopamine levels and the ensuing sensation of reward expectation.

Danger. Share an experience that has a manageable amount of risk—anything from sailboat racing to hiking the Appalachian Trail.

For men: talk to your woman, write notes or poems to her, gaze into her eyes, assume a strong posture or pose.

For women: share activities with your man, stand side by side (don’t always insist on eye gazing), appear vulnerable when appropriate (to appeal to many men’s need to rescue you).

TOPIC 15.10

Handling Rejection

Okay, what to do when it just does not work out? When one’s romantic goal is rejected by one’s beloved, we tend to pass through two phases before returning, hopefully, to normal. First, we protest and do everything within our power and imagination to get our beloved to reconsider. This phase employs the same neurochemical pathways as romance: elevated dopamine and norepinephrine, lowered serotonin. One often experiences abandonment rage during this phase—anger and love are independent systems and may, as many of us know, occur simultaneously. Second, over time, as the beloved remains inaccessible and the romancer remains rejected, stress increases, cortisol dominates one’s system, one’s immune response weakens, and protest gives way to depression. At this point, all of the romance chemicals now drop below normal levels. The extremely low levels of serotonin during this second phase of rejection is associated with impulsiveness—sometimes violent, sometimes self-defeating, sometimes directed against others, sometimes against self.

What to do when faced with rejection? How can one recover more quickly? Fisher (1995, pp. 184 ff.) recommends a variety of strategies, all with one common theme: push your memories of the beloved out of consciousness. They are listed below as applications.

Applications

Clean house. Get rid of pictures, mementos, gifts.

Steer clear. Avoid opportunities to have eye or ear contact with the beloved—avoid known haunts.

Meditate. On the negatives of the beloved. On the qualities of an ideal beloved. On another person.

Keep busy. Take classes, be with friends and family, establish new goals, start new projects.

Exercise. Walk, work out, do yard work, dance, take a pet for a stroll, get a massage.

Sun therapy. Get out into the sunlight as much as possible—darkness and artificial light can depress mood.

Smile. Put reminders around you to smile, check for your smile in the mirror, have a smiling partner.

Groups. Join a 12-step group such as SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous).

Novelty. Do or learn something new; this raises dopamine levels.

Sex. Have sexual intercourse in which seminal fluids from a trusted partner are admitted (see topic 15.9, application 8).

Practice optimism. Count your blessings, practice positive explanatory style (see topic 34.5).

Therapy. Seek talk therapy, either group or individual, and obtain antidepressants if deemed appropriate. However, don’t use antidepressants without talk therapy; remember, such drugs enable one to learn new behavior, but are not magic bullets—you’ve got to change behavior while the pills make you amenable to behavior change. Be aware that your increased serotonin can inhibit production of dopamine and norepinephrine; ask your therapist to provide something to offset this tendency. Otherwise, though you may feel better, you may also feel indifferent toward beginning new relationships (which might not be a bad thing, for a while). Increased serotonin levels can also interfere with sexual response, making orgasm unlikely in both sexes, with the accompanying frustration and miscommunication associated therewith.

TOPIC 15.11

Jealousy

David Buss (2000b) makes the point that jealousy is different for men and women; men typically become jealous when the woman physically strays, women when the man is emotionally unfaithful. Men interpret women’s smiles at them as a come-on; women interpret others’ smiles as warmth. Men trigger jealousy in women by making them feel their desirability has diminished, and the jealousy can be assuaged (sometimes) by reaffirming that desirability. Women trigger jealousy in men by making them feel their value as resource provider is inadequate, and can assuage it (sometimes) by affirming their indispensability. Buss maintains that jealousy is a separate emotion, but I sense it is a condition in which all the major negative emotions are activated: fear, anger, depression, disgust, etc. He presents no evidence for its separateness as an emotion.

Application

Women, make him feel indispensable; men, make her feel desirable! Sounds like a great start on a country music song, huh?

TOPIC 15.12

Affairs

There are two aspects of extramarital affairs: the sex act itself and the emotional attachment to another person. Women tend to experience more distress over emotional attachment than to the act itself; the opposite is true for men. Moreover, the woman’s reaction to her husband’s infidelity is influenced by the menstrual cycle, with higher hormonal levels (during ovulation) engendering more emotional jealousy, and lower hormonal levels (during menstruation) leading to more jealousy of the sexual act itself (Geary, 1998, p. 130).

David Buss (1994) reports that women, 25 percent of whom have extramarital affairs, tend to blame their affairs on dissatisfaction with the marital relationship: they’re looking for a replacement. (As a matter of interest, according to Geary [1998, p. 134], when the wife initiates an infidelity, it is more likely to occur at ovulation, when estrogen is at its highest.) Men who have affairs are as likely to feel good about their primary relationship as they are to be unhappy with it. Another sex difference has to do with jealousy. Buss points out that the human female is the only species whose ovulation cannot be observed. Hence, her mate never knows visually when she is fertile. As a result, a man tends to be especially jealous when his woman simply has intercourse with another man, regardless of the seriousness or length of the attachment; if she becomes pregnant, he has no way of knowing whether the child is his, and he risks spending resources on another man’s child. (Perhaps in the era of DNA testing, this evolutionary vestige will disappear.) On the other hand, the woman generally cares less if her man has a one-night stand; she is more threatened by a competing serious attachment that could result in her loss of resources. This is all understandable from an evolutionary point of view (D. M. Buss, 1994; H. E. Fisher, 1982, 1995): in the past, the woman needed to keep an extra relationship offstage in case a saber-toothed tiger eliminated her man, yet she fought against her man’s keeping up such a relationship for fear that she’d lose her resource provider. The man needed to ensure the survivability of his kind by planting his seed abundantly, but he fought against his woman’s exercising her own options, not wanting to rear another man’s child. Hence the proverbial double standard.

Applications

If you are a woman, you should understand that, typically, a man’s jealousy is triggered not so much by a long-term serious relationship on your part as by the single sex act itself. Consider that your need for an affair may be attributable to dissatisfaction with your marriage. This should be a signal to work on the marriage. Get help.

If you are a man, you should understand that, in most women, jealousy is triggered more strongly by an ongoing relationship on your part than by a one-night stand. If you require any outside relationship, this is a signal that the marriage is in trouble. Get help.

In the case of both men and women, attachment style (see topic 14.2) also plays a part in the need for an intimate relationship with one’s partner. For example, if you are a Ludus married to an Eros, you need to give Eros permission to find a deeper relationship elsewhere.

TOPIC 15.13

The Effects of Marital Discord

The quality of a marriage affects the parenting of men but not women. When a marriage is deemed unsatisfactory by either a man or a woman, the man is likely to withdraw emotionally or behaviorally from his children, more so toward daughters than toward sons. Women, on the other hand, tend to maintain their level of child involvement regardless of the quality of the marriage (Geary, 1998, p. 107). During adolescence, the consequence of the father’s absence affects both sexes in two ways: earlier sexual activity and poorer school performance (p. 114). In addition, the consequence of a father’s withdrawal is greater on the son. Adult men who experienced their father’s absence show higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol throughout their lifetime, thus affecting general health and exhibiting higher levels of stress throughout the lifespan. As a rule, children reared with both natural parents in a relatively stable home live longer and healthier lives (Geary, 1998, p. 113). On the brighter side for fathers, men who engage in rough-and-tumble play (as well as other, less active play) with their children tend to see their children grow into adulthood with superior emotional control and social skills (p. 115). However, children—girls as well as boys—who experience their mother’s absence show elevated levels of cortisol throughout adulthood, more elevated than that of boys who’ve experienced a father’s absence (p. 116).

Application

Mothers and fathers, maintain your relationship with your children, in both quantity and quality!

TOPIC 15.14

Sexual Fantasies

Psychologists Harold Leitenberg and Kris Henning of the University of Vermont reported in Psychological Bulletin (May 1995) that 95 percent of adults have sexual fantasies and, Freud’s views to the contrary notwithstanding, that people with more active sex lives have more fantasies, not the other way around. The median number of daily sexual fantasies for males is seven, five of which are prompted by events (for example, an attractive woman appears on the scene), the other two arising spontaneously from within. For women, the median number is five daily, three from external cues and two from within. Men are more likely to fantasize about having multiple sexual partners, with an average of 1.96 partners per fantasy; women have an average of 1.08 partners per fantasy.

Application

Accept sexual fantasies as normal and unavoidable.

TOPIC 15.15

Orgasm

Not allowed in polite parlor conversation, the topic of quality and quantity of sexual fulfillment is difficult to understand without reading an authoritative resource or searching out a friend or professional who has already studied the subject. Perhaps this humble section of my book will facilitate the quest for knowledge in this much-yearned-for but hard-to-find area of wisdom.

The brain’s activation during sexual stimulation is widespread, including the vagus nerves, the reticular formation, basal ganglia, anterior insular cortex, amygdala, cerebellum, and hypothalamus (see appendix A). In a special section of Time magazine (January 19, 2004) devoted to love and romance, writers presented this list (pp. 76–77) of the benefits of frequent sexual orgasm:

•   Lowers risk of heart attacks.

•   Burns about 200 calories per episode on average.

•   Releases endorphins that help with chronic pain problems.

•   Reduces vulnerability to depression.

•   Calms anxiety.

•   Boosts the immune system.

•   Releases oxytocin and DHEA that inhibit the development of breast cancers.

•   Is associated with increased longevity.

Independent scholar and historian Rachel Maines writes (1999) of the “androcentric” model of sexual relations that has traditionally discounted the need of females for satisfaction in intercourse while affirming the priority of the male’s need for satisfaction. This view has been so ingrained that sexually unsatisfied women (most, in the past) had to resort to “hysteria” in order to obtain the respectability of medical intervention. To wit, sexually frustrated wives of the 19^th and 20^th centuries whose desire for sexual release went unaddressed in the marriage bed gave rise to a set of symptoms then known as hysteria, and now simply known as evidence of sexual frustration—irritability, sleep and appetite disturbance, fainting, fluid retention and associated congestion, muscle spasms, and nervousness (p. 23). Apparently most of these women “hysterics” knew the cause of their problems (husbands who ignored their wives’ need for sexual release) and found the only respectable way to obtain sexual release: visit a physician and submit to external massage of the clitoris—that is, assisted masturbation (a task often delegated to a nurse or midwife). Remarkably, after such a “medical” visit, these women returned to their families with grace and equanimity, only to seek further “treatment” at some point in the future. The 2011 film Hysteria depicts this phenomenon, as well as the development of the vibrator by inventor Mortimer Granville. In the middle of the 20^th century, with more open acknowledgment of such practices, the “medical treatment” euphemism was dropped and the practice essentially disappeared—along with “hysteria.” The Sexual Revolution legitimized masturbation, vibrators, and liberated partners. The illusion that simple male penetration of the vagina could pleasure a woman has given way to the understanding that direct clitoral stimulation is the way of a woman’s pleasure.

Applications

It is perfectly natural and healthy for a man to bring himself to orgasm through direct self-manipulation, using an appropriate lubricant to avoid penile burn.

It is perfectly natural and healthy for a woman to bring herself to orgasm through direct self-manipulation of her clitoris or with the aid of a mechanical device, e.g., a vibrator.

To help a woman achieve orgasm, her partner needs to realize that penetration is largely a mythic means, with gentle, steady clitoral stimulation the more efficacious alternative. Be sure to communicate with your partner about what is more pleasing. We can’t learn and grow without feedback.

TOPIC 15.16

Personality Traits and Sexual Behavior

The two most widely researched dimensions of personality are Extraversion (a.k.a. positive emotions) and Need for Stability (a.k.a. neuroticism or emotional stability). (See chapter 30 for further discussion of these dimensions.) G. D. Wilson, in his essay “Personality and Social Behavior” (in Eysenck, 1981), summarized a wide variety of behavioral correlates of personality dimensions. Several of these correlates relate specifically to sexual behaviors. They are listed in table 15.4.

Note: When you see cross references to other sections of this book, you may benefit from taking time now to read them; they provide information that will deepen your understanding of the current material.

Table 15.4. Sexual Behaviors Correlated with the Personality Dimensions Extraversion and Need for Stability
Low Need for Stablity (“Resilient”)	High Need for Stablity (“Reactive”)
Males report fewer sexual urges	Males report more sexual urges, more frequent erections, more masturbation
Females report more orgasms during intercourse	Females report fewer orgasms during intercourse
Less sexual pathology and dissatisfaction reported	More sexual pathology and dissatisfaction reported
Less nervous about sex	More nervous about sex
Less easily excited sexually	More easily excited sexually
Less sexual hostility	More sexual hostility
Less guilty concerning sex	More guilty concerning sex
More petting	Less petting
More acts of sexual intercourse	Fewer acts of sexual intercourse
More oral-genital sex	Less oral-genital sex
Low Extraversion (“Introvert”)	High Extraversion (“Extravert”)
Somewhat less satisfaction with sex	More satisfaction with sex
Less engagement in fellatio and cunnilingus	More engagement in fellatio and cunnilingus
Less sexual foreplay	More sexual foreplay
Averaging fewer than three sexual positions	Averaging more than three sexual positions
Fewer sexual partners over time	More sexual partners over time
Larger proportion are virgins	Smaller proportions are virgins
Less comfortable with physical closeness and touching	Comfortable with more physical closeness and touching
Less pursuit of interpersonal intimacy	Maximum interpersonal intimacy

Remember that these associations are not absolutes. Not all highly extraverted persons, for example, demonstrate all the associated behaviors. These are trends, not inevitabilities. It is useful, however, to get a sense of the degree to which one’s behavior is typical of that of other people with a similar personality. Many factors can explain exceptions to the trends provided in such tables, including mores, opportunities, incentives, exposure to diverse lifestyles, parenting styles, and limitations resulting from social circumstances.

Application

If your partner’s sexual behavior is something other than what you prefer, realize that there is a strong likelihood that this difference is attributable to the way your partner’s personality is built and is not a reaction to, or judgment of, you. In other words, don’t take differences in sexual preferences personally, as a kind of rejection. To the degree that sexual behavior is important to you, realize the importance of partnering with someone whose personality is similar to yours. If you’re more introverted, don’t date an extravert and then be perturbed because he or she acts consistently with an extravert’s nature.

TOPIC 15.17

Inbreeding

Although mating with a cousin is only slightly riskier than mating with a nonrelative (cousins have a 90 percent chance of producing a healthy offspring; nonrelatives incur a 94 percent chance), inbreeding on a large scale has a significant downside (Jones, 1994). In areas where one founder or a relatively small number of founders established a community that has remained resistant to mingling with the outside world, deadly diseases or undesirable deformities have emerged. Some examples: porphyria among Afrikaners, blindness among the inhabitants of Tristan da Cunha, an enzyme defect among Kurdistan Jews, and a stunted, six-fingered hand among the Pennsylvania Amish. The most dramatic instance of the negative effects of inbreeding is that of the Lake Maracaibo Venezuelans, where 4,000 out of 10,000 people either have Huntington’s disease or are at risk of contracting it.

Application

Celebrate mating between people of diverse backgrounds, through which undesirable genes can become extinguished. In diversity is strength.

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