Chapter Ten
The Differences Between the Inner Critic in Women and in Men

The Inner Patriarch is a powerful archetypal ally of the Inner Critic in women. The synergy of these two voices makes the average woman’s Inner Critic more powerful than the average man’s. The voice of the Inner Patriarch is so familiar that, much like station KRAZY, it played constantly and was not even noticed until the feminists started their writings about thirty years ago. This Inner Patriarch is the inner representation of the outer, societal beliefs in the inferiority of women, and it echoes all the judgments against women that are prevalent in our culture. With its biblical beginnings, it has the ring of absolute knowledge and unquestioned authority.

In our many years of working with Inner Critics, we have noticed some major differences between the Inner Critics we meet in women and those we meet in men. This chapter is not meant to be a scientific study about these differences or a commentary on whether they are biologically or environmentally determined. It is, rather, a summary of the differences that we have noted consistently and cross-culturally.

THE POWER OF THE INNER CRITIC IN WOMEN AND IN MEN

The major difference between women and men is subtly, but startlingly, summed up in a scene from the movie Tootsie, which starred Dustin Hoffman. In this scene, Hoffman is impersonating a woman. He walks past his reflection in a mirror, looks at himself self-consciously, and carefully, but inconspicuously, adjusts his girdle so that he will look better. This simple movement tells it all! Earlier in the movie, we have seen Dustin Hoffman dressed as a man. He is relaxed about his appearance and does not give it a thought. He dresses and behaves as he pleases and never seems concerned about the impression that he will make on others. He is sure that he will be accepted for who he is and not for what he looks like. He is comfortable with himself. As a man, we never see him look at himself in a mirror except perhaps to shave. As a woman, all this changes. It is obvious to us that, as a man, he does not suffer from the attacks of an Inner Critic. As a woman, he does!

For us, this scene illustrates the most striking difference between the Inner Critics of men and women that we have observed. Women’s Inner Critics are almost always more powerful and more persistent than men’s. Historically, this difference seems to be the product of thousands of years of patriarchal thinking. This patriarchal view of the world sees women as somehow inferior to men. We will talk more about how this belief system intensifies the power of women’s Inner Critics later in this chapter.

THE INNER CRITIC VS. THE JUDGE

In the growing-up process, we usually develop either a strong Inner Critic who judges us or a strong Inner Judge who judges the world. They are the oppposite sides of the same coin. Historically speaking, it is the women who have developed the Inner Critic as a primary self and the men who have developed the Judge. Although this is not true in certain parts of the world and it is changing as the role of women changes, we still see this as a major difference between women and men.

It is quite common for women to remember their fathers as judgmental rather than self-critical. Sometimes fathers are overtly judgmental, and sometimes their judgments come as silent signals—as special looks or as a withdrawal of attention. When you are a daughter of a judgmental father (or judgmental mother) you will probably develop a very strong Inner Critic.

When the parental judgments are quite subtle you might not even think of them as judgments that affect you. For instance, Dawn’s father never said anything negative to her directly, but he was a very judgmental man who judged others in her presence. He would compliment Dawn for being different from them. For instance, he would judge others for being lazy and then compliment her for being hardworking. As Dawn grew older, she developed a powerful Inner Critic who watched her carefully to make sure that she would never be like the people her father judged!

DIFFERENCES IN CONTENT OF THE CRITIC’S COMMENTS

In contrast to a man’s Inner Critic, a woman’s Inner Critic seems to feel a pressing need to “improve” the woman’s appearance or behavior in order to make her acceptable to others. It also tends to focus far more upon her physical appearance than a man’s Inner Critic focuses upon his. Again, the scene from Tootsie is a beautiful picture of this.

It is unusual for a man’s Inner Critic to be concerned about his weight. It is just not an issue, unless there is some health-related reason for him to worry about it. It is equally unusual for a woman’s Inner Critic not to be concerned about her weight. Weight, for women, is almost always an issue! A similar division is apparent around aging. Women’s Inner Critics, in past years. have worried themselves sick about the physical signs of aging, while men’s Inner Critics have not necessarily seen this as a problem. The talking mirror is constantly pointing out the lines in the faces of women. This is quite unusual behavior in men.

The Critic’s emphasis upon a woman’s looks is so extreme that we have given many examples of it in this book. Media and advertising campaigns support an already powerful Inner Critic by letting the woman know what is wrong with her or by encouraging her to compare herself to other more beautiful, self-assured, or younger women. This sells products, but it also intensifies the Inner Critic’s emphasis upon a woman’s looks.

ABOUT SEXUALITY

One of the most fascinating contrasts that we have noticed between the content of men’s and women’s Inner Critics has to do with what they say about sexuality. Men’s Critics are usually worried about performance and adequacy, while women’s Critics are usually worried about appearance and affection.

Thus, in the area of sexuality, the woman’s Inner Critic is concerned with her appearance and her ability to earn love. If her man has been with another woman, her Inner Critic wants to know, “Is she more attractive?” or “Does he love her more than he loves you?” Her Inner Critic wants her to be loved the most.

In contrast, the man’s Inner Critic is more anxious about his performance. If his woman has been with another man, his Inner Critic will want to know, “Is he better sexually than you are?” or “Does she like what he does better than what you do?” The Critic wants the man to perform well sexually, to satisfy his woman.

In recent years, as women have been told that they should be able to experience great sexual enjoyment, the Critic as Comparer has begun to criticize women about the quality and frequency of their orgasms. This, however, is not necessarily a focus on their sexual performance and its impact upon others. It is more a concern about achieving a goal, about feeling that they are the equals of the women who can enjoy themselves sexually. Here the goal is a good orgasm. The Inner Critic of a woman does not ordinarily question whether or not she has satisfied her partner adequately. This is not usually an issue for women, just as weight is not usually an issue for men.

THE REACTION TO CRITIC ATTACKS: WITHDRAWAL VS. NEEDINESS

We have noticed that men and women seem to react differently to Critic Attacks. The Inner Critic makes both men and women feel vulnerable. Men tend to deny this vulnerability and to deny that they care about what others think. They may feel it underneath, but they pull back from it. They then withdraw from contact with others. Women, in contrast, are more likely to reach out for reassurance and for contact with others to help lessen the feelings of isolation and misery that accompany a Critic Attack. In short, in the face of a Critic Attack, men are likely to withdraw and women are likely to become needy.

Let us see what this looks like in a typical interaction. Marv has had a bad day at work. As he drives home, his Inner Critic attacks him mercilessly, reviewing all the mistakes he made and letting him know that his boss probably thinks he is a hopeless idiot. Marv feels terrible and really worries about what the others at the office think of him, but he denies these feelings and pushes them deep down inside of him. Like many other men, Marv withdraws and becomes isolated when he can no longer bear the pain of the Critic Attack. When he finally arrives home, he is quiet and withdrawn. He says a brusque hello, takes the newspaper, and goes into the den to watch TV. He avoids Marian, his wife, and his children. They feel a bit abandoned and hurt, but they quickly group together and act as if nothing has happened, leaving Marv alone with his Critic and the TV. He feels isolated and miserable.

Marian has been well trained to take the blame for anything that goes wrong in her relationships. It is quite common for women to assume full responsibility for problems in relationship, and the Inner Critic supports this. Although she continues to go about her evening activities as usual, Marian feels vulnerable because Marv has withdrawn from her. She does not know it, but her Critic is already at work inside of her, questioning what it was that she did wrong to provoke Marv’s grumpy withdrawal. Marian begins to feel uneasy and guilty. She is certain that she must have done something wrong, and her Inner Critic is busy reviewing the events of the last twenty-four hours in order to find out what that might be. Perhaps she was not interested enough this morning when Marv wanted to talk about the important meeting he was going to attend today; perhaps he was angry because last night she stayed up late to read and he might have wanted to have sexual relations, and so forth. The Inner Critic can come up with lots of creative reasons why others are angry with us!

If Marian feels guilty enough in the face of this Critic Attack, Marv will certainly flip to the other side of the coin and become judgmental of her. His Judge will be only too happy to agree with her Critic that his bad mood is all her fault! This will give him relief from his Critic Attack. He has already pushed down his own feelings of shame, he has flipped from Critic to Judge, and now he knows that his bad feelings are Marian’s fault, not his.

In the face of her Critic Attack, Marian, like most women, is inclined to look around for affection and support rather than to withdraw from others. She becomes needy rather than isolated. First she will try to make contact with Marv, to get some reassurance that he still loves her. If this does not work, and it is likely that it will not, she may turn to her children or she may talk with friends. In talking to her friends, she may review the events of the evening and seek their reassurance that she did nothing wrong. She will try to get them to ally with her against the accusations of her Inner Critic. If this is successful, she will feel much better. She will have gotten the contact she needed, and she will have reassured her Inner Critic that she is not really a bad person. With the support of her friends, she might have flipped from Critic to Judge, just like Marv did, blaming him for everything “because he has always been such a moody, difficult man.”

This is an ordinary occurrence; it is not the sign of a pathological relationship. We can see how both Marv and Marian were so badly hurt by the attacks of their Inner Critics that they were unable to reach out and to help one another. They could not use their relationship as a source of support and nourishment. If he had been aware of the activities of his Inner Critic, Marv might have been able to say, “I’m in the middle of a Critic Attack. It’s nothing you’ve done. Something happened at the office and I just need you to love me and pay attention to me.” If Marian’s Critic had not been so quick to blame her for what was happening, she might have been able to reach out and comfort Marv.

This willingness of the Inner Critic to blame Marian for anything that goes wrong in relationship is one of the legacies of several thousand years of patriarchal thought. Let us now look further at the effect of the patriarchy on the Inner Critics of the women raised in our culture.

THE PATRIARCHY AND THE INNER CRITIC IN WOMEN

Women in our society have a distinct advantage when it comes to developing a truly enormous Inner Critic. Thousands of years of living under a patriarchal system have taught women that they are inferior to men and that no matter how hard they try they will always be basically inferior. The best that they can hope for is to become more like men—to pattern themselves on male role models and move away from their female instinctual behavior. In this effort to become something other than who they are, the Inner Critic plays a truly major role. After all, it is the Critic’s responsibility to see what is wrong with the woman so that it can be corrected.

As the ad says, “You’ve come a long way, baby.” Much has changed in women’s roles and in the societal perceptions of women. But a five-thousand-year-old legacy does not disappear overnight. Even women who have lived independent lives as the equals of men often have within themselves, lurking deep in the shadows, an Inner Patriarch who echoes the sentiments of the outer patriarchs of the world. It is this Inner Patriarch, a most powerful archetype, who allies so strongly with the Inner Critic in most women.

EVER SINCE EVE

The view of woman as the inferior being, the first sinner, and as the one responsible for the fall of man and his expulsion from the Garden of Eden is clearly established in the first book of the Old Testament. Because of Eve’s misbehavior, women are forever cursed by God: “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children: and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee” (Gen. 3:16, KJV).

It was the woman, Eve, who ate the apple from the tree of knowledge, and it was because of her that Adam and all men were cursed as well. “And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field: in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground …” (Gen. 3:17–19, KJV, italics ours). So this makes woman the source of all man’s sorrows as well as those of her own.

No matter how you interpret this, no matter how religious you may be, if you are a woman raised anywhere in the Western world, this is a part of your heritage. This archetype is deep within your psyche. It is something shameful that your Inner Critic must help you to clear out. It was your fault!

You might also note two major aspects of the curse put upon woman. Both take away from her pride in herself and her ability to trust herself, thereby giving the Inner Critic even more cause for anxiety than it already has. First, God himself has stated that her husband must rule over her. It seems that he has better judgment than she has even though he too ate the fruit. Second, her very special gift, the ability to bring forth children, is cursed, and she is told that she must bring them forth in sorrow rather than in joy. This all helps to add serious amounts of weight to a woman’s critic.

Since most of us are raised in religions that incorporate ancient biblical beliefs and traditions, we can assume that these traditions have a major impact upon our current beliefs and values whether or not we are consciously aware of them. As a Jewish woman, I (Sidra) was deeply shocked when my young daughter told me that the following prayer was said each morning by the boys in her Hebrew school. This prayer is from a current prayer book.

Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the
universe, who hast not made me a heathen.

Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast not made me a bondman.

Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe,
who hast not made me a woman [italics ours].

This is a pretty graphic picture of the low position in life accorded to women. Need we say more?

THE PATRIARCH WITHIN

What do we mean when we say the Inner Patriarch? We mean the voice in each of us, men and women alike, that views life in a patriarchal fashion. The Inner Patriarch basically values all things traditionally considered masculine and devalues things traditionally considered feminine. It thinks that men are better than women. Period!

The Inner Patriarch has clearly delineated sex roles, and these usually keep the woman in an inferior position. This does entitle her to protection, but in the eyes of the patriarch the woman is not seen as a fully developed human being who deserves the same rights as men or would be able to handle them responsibly if she were given them. Traditionally in our society, a woman was considered the property of her husband (or her father or her brother) and was not allowed to own property or in any way to act independently. It was only in this century that women were granted the right to vote. In America, we still cannot pass an equal rights amendment that would entitle women to little more than equal pay for equal work.

Many feminist writers focused on the outer patriarchs, the people and institutions in the culture that carried the patriarchal values and devalued women and all things womanly. These writers changed consciousness profoundly. Age-old “truths” were examined and found invalid. Women proved capable of reasoning, of successfully completing advanced degrees, of earning a living, of “making it” in a man’s world. They entered fields that would have been closed to them a generation earlier. Feminists also brought attention to the fact that womanly activities such as childbearing and child rearing, caring for the home, and educating the young were considered inferior activities. They questioned the basic values of a society that valued competition (seen as patriarchal) as opposed to cooperation (seen as matriarchal).

The feminist scholars and writers brought forward a new and exciting body of knowledge for women. They challenged the system and changed the outer patriarchy in many areas. But what they did not notice was that there was an enemy within. Within most women is an Inner Patriarch who believes that she is indeed inferior and that she needs constant surveillance to keep her behavior appropriate! It feels a deep-seated disdain for her femaleness and can literally make her ashamed to be a woman. This Patriarch allies itself with the woman’s Inner Critic for a great double whammy.

What about women who have freed themselves of the restrictions of the outer patriarchy? Some women have taken the step of fully incorporating male values and succeeding in a man’s world. In some of them, the Inner Patriarch takes an interesting form: these women feel good about themselves but superior to the woman who has remained more traditionally feminine. They belittle the housewife and mother, seeing her choice in life as an inferior one. Thus they assume the role of the Patriarch and make patriarchal judgments without realizing that they have actually become the hated enemy!

It is easier to fight an enemy outside than an enemy within. It is important for women to know that an Inner Patriarch exists within them, that patriarchy is not just an enemy to be battled on the outside. For many women, this is a revelation. They have been so busy with the outer battles, which have been monumentally important, that they have not necessarily looked within. As Pogo said, “We have met the enemy and he is us.”

What does this “enemy” look like? The Inner Patriarch knows that you will never make it in this world just because you are a woman. The Critic’s job, then, is even more difficult, and its underlying anxiety is increased. Not only do you have many shortcomings and basic flaws as a human being, but you are also a woman! Your Critic may feel that the only way in which you can succeed in this world is if it makes you less of a woman, and so it will be alert to any natural “feminine” impulses and will do its best to rid you of them. At best, your Critic has a huge job.

WHAT DOES THE INNER PATRIARCH SAY TO WOMEN?

We were introduced to the Inner Patriarch in Holland when I (Sidra) started to run a women’s group as part of a larger workshop. Something was wrong, very wrong. The women who had been animated and excited just moments before were quiet and even a bit sullen. I suddenly felt as though I were sitting in a room of judgmental men. At that moment I asked if the women were unhappy about being with women only. The answer was definitely yes. The women in the group felt that nothing important could come from a group that contained only women and that it was presumptuous for a woman (Sidra) to think that she or any woman, for that matter, had anything important to say. The Inner Patriarchs of the group were then addressed and had a chance to air their views of women.

Like the Dutch women, it is important for others as well to stop for a moment and listen to what their Inner Patriarchs have to say. Many of the following statements are deeply embedded in our culture and may seem like ordinary everyday truths to you. Let us listen to some of the comments of the Inner Patriarchs that we have heard over the years as taken from Voice Dialogue transcripts. Many of the women whose Patriarchs are quoted below hold professional positions in which they wield great authority and power. The Inner Patriarch could care less.

Women should not be in any position of power because it violates the natural order of things.

She’s a woman and she will never amount to much. It’s ridiculous for her to even hope for anything. Basically, she’s better off not trying.

It’s too bad she was born a woman. If only she were a man, she could make better use of her brains (or physical prowess, sports ability, common sense, natural aggressiveness, etc.).

If she does develop her natural power and she gets anywhere professionally, she will still be a woman. She can’t escape that.

The planet is falling apart because women are deserting their natural roles.

The best thing for a woman to do is find herself a good husband and settle down.

I hate to have to work with women. I much prefer men.

Women are bitchy and nagging underneath. They complain too much.

Women should stop pretending to be men. They should stay home and get married and stop wanting more.

Women’s hormonal imbalances make them unfit for any serious responsibilities.

Frankly, I think a woman’s job is to get a rich husband so that she’ll be able to take care of her parents when they get older.

Women are too emotional and are always overreacting.

Women are illogical.

Women have no mathematical ability.

Women lack focus.

Women have no real sense of values; they’re frivolous.

I can’t stand women’s talk. It has no substance.

Women are basically weaker than men.

Just give them some good sex and they’ll shut up.

Women are irresponsible. When it comes to important things they are not to be trusted.

You can never really understand a woman.

I’m a thinker. Women can’t think clearly. They just pretend that they can.

Women are too needy.

I don’t want children, that’s for women!

Women are gullible and have very poor judgment.

Basically. there’s only one thing they’re really good for and that’s sex.

Once a woman is no longer attractive and good for sex, she is basically worthless.

THE IMPORTANCE OF RECOGNIZING THE INNER PATRIARCH

It is amazing to realize that a voice in a woman could make these kinds of statements without the woman having any idea that this process is happening. We have seen women battered over and over again by the outer patriarchs in their lives, and they are either victims to it or they become rebellious daughters to it. The war goes on, year after year and decade after decade, until finally the realization comes that the problem is within as well as without. It is also important to recognize that this patriarchal voice can manifest in a male authority figure or a female authority figure and that a woman can be the victim of either one.

No amount of battling with the patriarchs outside can compensate for the damage done by your own Inner Patriarch. It is time to turn the attention within and to deal with your own Patriarch. After all, if your Patriarch did not basically agree with the criticisms of the world outside, they would have little effect upon you. If your Critic were not afraid that you are, indeed, inferior because you are a woman, then the judgments of others would have less impact.

If you, as a woman, can begin to hear the voice of the Patriarch within, you will find that his comments are responsible for a deep-seated feeling of shame that seems to have no particular focus. It is the shame of being a woman in this culture. As you separate from your Inner Patriarch, you will begin to see him change. At some point, the Inner Patriarch may well assume a more positive role in your life, using his masculine power to support you from within. You will hear his deep-seated concern for your well-being and for the problems that you face in what remains an essentially patriarchal society that he knows only too well.

THE INNER MATRIARCH AND THE INNER CRITIC

Many men have mentioned that it is not only women who have problems with an archetypal ally of the Inner Critic. They point out that men often have a judgmental Inner Matriarch who works with their Critic and who despises them just because they are men. We have found that this is more likely among younger men and that it usually is not as destructive as the patriarchal aspects of the Critic are to women. The matriarchal voices have been somewhat silent (or at least hidden) for many centuries, and they are far less virulent in our dominant culture. However, in some areas, the matriarchal voices are being heard again and the presence of the Inner Matriarch is becoming more prevalent than it used to be. Men who have been raised in a matriarchal setting, with little or no masculine input, often have an Inner Matriarch who does not like them just because they are men and who judges them disdainfully. Some of the Inner Matriarch’s comments we have heard are as follows:

Men are impossible.

Oh, you know men. They’re are all such babies underneath!

Men are responsible for the mess the world is in today.

Men are too aggressive.

You can’t really talk to a man.

All they want is sex.

If it wasn’t for needing children I would be very happy without men in the world. Women are so much more caring.

I don’t really like men. I like women better.

Men are necessary as studs, nothing more.

The trouble with men is they are too rational or they are never in touch with their feelings or they cannot be trusted.

A truly virulent Inner Matriarch can be as destructive as an Inner Patriarch and must be separated from. It is important to take this deep-seated poison out of the system when dealing with the Inner Critic, because until you do so, the Inner Patriarch and the Inner Matriarch will continue to provide fuel and power for the Inner Critic and make your job of separation that much harder.

DISEMPOWERING THE INNER PATRIARCH AND THE INNER MATRIARCH

Separating from the Inner Patriarch and the Inner Matriarch, voices that usually operate with the support of the culture in which we live, is extremely liberating. To separate means to hear what these voices say and to realize that they represent selves that have a particular point of view but do not necessarily bear an ultimate truth. It is fairly simple to see that your Critic is criticizing you unrealistically if you hear your neighbor’s Inner Critic criticizing her for the opposite “sin,” like being too ordinary or too special or being too aggressive or too passive. But when everyone’s Inner Patriarch more or less agrees with everyone else’s, you do not have external points of reference to check against. This is why we have included this chapter and its exercises. This chapter gives you that external point of reference to check against.

Disempowering these archetypal voices can lessen the size and power of the Critic and make it more manageable. There’s an age-old tradition in dealing with an overwhelming enemy: it is divide and conquer. That is just what we are doing when we separate from the Inner Patriarch and Matriarch. Then the Aware Ego can deal with each of these energies separately from those of the Inner Critic instead of having to battle them all at once.

WHAT DOES YOUR INNER PATRIARCH SAY?

The realization of how your Inner Patriarch (or Matriarch) contributes to your Inner Critic and the knowledge of its roots in your culture and your personal life gives you important information and objectivity in dealing with its comments.

1. What does your Inner Patriarch say?

As you finish this chapter, see if you can tune into the voice of your Inner Patriarch. Write down the negative comments that your Inner Patriarch makes about women. Begin them with “women are …” You may repeat statements that you have read here if they feel familiar to you. Leave a space next to each of these comments so that you can make an additional notation.

2. What does your Inner Matriarch say?

Tune into the voice of your Inner Matriarch. Write down the negative observations that your Inner Matriarch makes about men. Begin them with “Men are …” Leave a space next to each of these comments so that you can make an additional notation.

3. Now, next to each comment, write down its source. For instance, was it something your father or mother used to say? Did you hear this from a teacher? advisor? employer? brother? sister? If you cannot specify a specific source, just write “cultural.” This will give you some indication of where these judgments originated in your life.

4. Now that you have begun to hear the voice of your Inner Patriarch, you are in a position to separate from it. Look at the comments of your Inner Patriarch. Remember that even if a comment represents an idea that everyone in your community agrees is valid, “it ain’t necessarily so.” It might be helpful to have some contact with someone who already knows about the Inner Patriarch to help you as you separate from yours. Reading books by some of the feminist writers (or by men who are trying to raise the consciousness of men) will help you to get some separation from the ideas held as sacred by your archetypal Inner Patriarch (or Matriarch).

Chapter Ten The Differences Between the Inner Critic in Women and in Men

Chapter Ten
The Differences Between the Inner Critic in Women and in Men