Chapter Eleven
The Critic as a Relational Creature

“What will people think?” This is one of the Critic’s favorite questions. The Inner Critic, as you may have noticed, is constantly looking at others to figure out who you should be. There is no deep introversion here, no looking within to find out what is important to you as an individual human being. The Critic’s bottom-line concern is the impression that you will make upon others.

The Inner Critic is a relational creature, a truly people-oriented self. It develops out of our relationships with others. As we demonstrated in chapter 1, the Inner Critic learns a great deal from our parents, and it is ever alert to our interpersonal interactions. It seems to observe us through the eyes of the world around us and is particularly concerned about the impact that our actions have on others.

“WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?”

“What will people think?” is one of the Critic’s favorite questions. The Inner Critic, as you may have noticed, is constantly looking out at others to figure out who you should be. There is no deep introversion here, no looking within to find out what is important to you as an individual human being. The Critic’s bottom-line concern is the impression that you will make upon others.

Underneath it all, the Critic is usually afraid of being unloved, abandoned, and helpless. It wants to ensure that others will approve of you, love you, and be there for you when you need them. Or perhaps the Critic is not as interested in affection as it is in power and the admiration of others. It hopes that people will be attracted to you because you are powerful, interesting, or brilliant and you will never have to worry about being alone and helpless.

“What will people think?” is often what your parents asked, either aloud or by implication. They wanted you to be appropriate and to think of the consequences of your actions. This was for their sakes as well as for your own. After all, your behavior directly reflected your parents’ performance. It showed whether or not they did a good job raising you. If you are a good person or a success, you are a credit to them. If you are a bad person or a failure, they will be blamed. So you carry with you not only your own requirements for acceptance, but your parents’ feelings too. This is quite a task for your Inner Critic.

The concern with what others will think includes not only people but God as well. For those of us with a more spiritual background, it is extremely important to behave as God wishes us to. The Inner Critic takes on the task of making sure that we lead the right kind of life so that our relationship with God is a good one. It must then point out to us all the ways in which we have been falling short of this goal.

We have noticed three major reasons for wanting to lead a spiritually correct life and maintain a proper relationship to God. First of all, many of us believe it is simply the right way to be. The rules are clear and it is up to us to follow them. If this is our approach, then the Critic supports us by bringing to our attention all the ways in which we are falling short of living the proper kind of life. It wants to help us remain on the proper path. Second, many of us feel a deep love for God and need to remain in touch with divinity at all times. If we do not, then we feel an irreplaceable loss and a lack of meaning in life. The Inner Critic is usually not active when this kind of motivation is operating. However, if the Critic is active, it will attack us for not following the kind of program that keeps us in touch with divinity (such as regular prayer or meditation) and will tell us that we know better than to neglect our spiritual practices. Third, there is the issue of the hereafter. Many Inner Critics take on the awesome responsibility of keeping us in a good relationship with God so that when the final judgment comes we will not be found wanting. It is surprising how often we find Inner Critics who are very concerned with our making it to heaven, even in people who rejected their traditional religious upbringing and practices early in their lives.

The following surprising portion of a Voice Dialogue conversation with Milly’s Inner Critic powerfully conveys its concern with what other people will think and what God will think.

FACILITATOR: We’ve been talking to you for a while now, and it’s obvious that it is very important for you that Milly is a good person. It seems to really upset you when she isn’t.

CRITIC: Yes. That’s the way it should be. I don’t even see what there is to talk about. I don’t like it at all when she’s not good or even when she has mean thoughts. Her parents were good people, they didn’t have mean thoughts, and they tried to raise her to be a good girl. They did everything that they could and they set a very good example. They were not hypocrites!

FACILITATOR: I was wondering if there is anything else that you are particularly worried about. (The Critic had already told the facilitator that Milly’s family was very religious, and the facilitator wondered whether the Critic was worried about what would happen to Milly after death.)

CRITIC: I don’t want anybody to say anything bad about her parents. I’ve always tried hard to make them proud of her so that they’ll feel good about themselves. I told you, they tried real hard. They deserve to feel proud of themselves.

FACILITATOR: I know. But I have a feeling that there’s something else, something underneath. What is it?

CRITIC (begins to cry): I want Milly to get to heaven, that’s for sure, but what I’m really afraid of is that if Milly is bad, her parents won’t get into heaven. And that wouldn’t be fair. They’re such good people and they deserve it, and I wouldn’t want them hurt because of something that she has done. Wouldn’t that be awful?

THE INNER CRITIC HAS DEVELOPED IN RELATIONSHIP

Since it has its beginnings in relationship, the Inner Critic is basically an other-directed social creature. It developed in relationship, and it continues to operate prominently in all our relationships, even when we are not aware of it. Its deep interpersonal roots were originally fed by the judgments of the important people in our lives. We either developed Critics that echoed the judgments of our primary caretakers, or we rebelled and developed Critics that took the opposite point of view, making us very different from these primary caretakers.

Let us see how this works. Andy comes from a tightly knit family that is loyal, loving, and responsible. They seem to live a good life, and they have many friends. People respect them, and this is very important to them. Andy learns from his parents that it is important to be a good, responsible, cooperative, dependable person. His parents are harsh in their judgments of any selfish or irresponsible behavior. They frequently talk about old Uncle Silas who was very different from their side of the family. Silas was more of a loner and always put his own needs first. As Silas carried their disowned selves, Andy’s parents judge him for having lived life the wrong way. They are quick to point out that he died alone and unloved because he was such a selfish, inconsiderate person. Nobody, but nobody, would want to be like that!

In order to fit in, to win their admiration and their love, Andy develops a set of primary selves that match the primary selves of his family. He too becomes a loving, loyal, and responsible person. His Critic sees to it that anything that might seem disloyal, irresponsible, or selfish is deleted from his thoughts and his feelings—and most certainly from his actions. His Inner Critic works from the inside, criticizing any thoughts or feelings that might displease his family, so that anything that would be inappropriate in this family system is disowned even before it can come to the surface. The Inner Critic makes Andy feel terrible whenever he shows any indication of being like Uncle Silas, even just a little bit. We might think of his Critic as a kind of psychological house cleaner who tidies up and gets rid of any unsightly emotions or inclinations.

Andy’s Inner Critic works with the primary selves of Responsible Father and Cooperative Son, and Andy is happily accepted into his family as a good person. He is loved and he is not alone. But he has paid his price; he has disowned any parts of himself that do not fit this happy picture. His Critic, having learned his lesson well, will see to it that Andy is a Responsible, Dependable Father and a Cooperative Son in his future relationships as well, especially in relation to his wife and children.

In contrast to Andy, Anna develops a set of primary selves that are the opposite of those of her family of origin. Her parents are incompetent and have no control over their lives. Nobody admires them. They drink a good deal, fight with one another, have an untidy household, and have no real friends. Anna sees that this does not work very well and looks around to find other, better examples to follow. She judges her parents as being wrong in the way they approach life and develops a set of primary selves that are the opposite of theirs. Her primary selves, instead of helping her in her relationship to her family, help her in relationship to the world. They help her to fit into the bigger world, the one in which her parents do not function effectively. Somehow, Anna seems to have realized that she will never be able to get her needs for nurturance and safety met in her household, no matter what she might do.

Anna is fortunate that she reacts to her dysfunctional family in this way. Rather than become like her family, she learns to avoid their errors. Perhaps she has a grandparent, an aunt, a teacher, a friend, or a friend’s family to provide her with an alternative model of behavior. Perhaps she learns from watching others on television. Basically, she does not try to fit into the family system. Instead, she withdraws from it. Psychologists have tried to explain why some people react like Anna by becoming strong in the face of adversity and some do not. We are not aware of any definitive answers to this question at this time.

Anna becomes a managing type of woman—a leader and an organizer. She likes being in charge of everything and at the center of the action. She is always busy. Her primary selves are competent and controlling. Anna’s Inner Critic is terrified that she will collapse into incompetence if she ever slows down. Its greatest fear is that she will become like her parents. So it always keeps her in the roles of manager and of the initiator in relationship. It criticizes her when she is emotional (because it remembers her parents’ fights), and it does not allow her to feel needy so that she will not be disappointed in case nobody is there to take care of her. Her Critic makes her ashamed of any signs of weakness, of anything less than a Wonder Woman approach to life.

We can expect the Inner Critic to continue to control Anna in this way and to have a significant effect upon her relationships. Her Critic will tell her that she should not be weak or passive and that she must stay in control of all her relationships. She should not relax and take from others, because this could prove dangerous. The overall effect is that Anna must, in all of her relationships, assume the active role and remain the initiator. She will, of course, find herself surrounded by needy, ineffectual people who will need her to dominate them and take care of them.

In both Andy’s and Anna’s stories, we can see how the Inner Critic developed in relationship to their families and how these Critics will continue to guide their relationships in the future. Andy’s Inner Critic keeps him responsible, dependable, and unselfish, and Anna’s keeps her strong, busy, and in control. Neither Inner Critic gives them an opportunity to express their inner needs or feelings in a direct manner. Each Inner Critic keeps the focus upon behaving appropriately, that is, in line with the requirements of the primary selves. Neither Anna nor Andy has any way of contacting the Inner Child and taking care of it consciously because its emotions, needs, and general vulnerability are considered taboo by the Critic. The Inner Child is seen as a hindrance to relationship or to functioning in general.

As a final example, let us consider Randy. His mother and father are perfectionistic, so much so that it is almost impossible to match their expectations. So Randy does not. He does not even like the way they are, so why should he try to be like them? As a matter of fact, he would be much better off going in the opposite direction. And so he does. Instead of becoming perfectionistic, Randy rebels against his parents’ requirements. He becomes quite relaxed, even sloppy, in his approach to life. “Be cool,” he often says as he tries to get people to relax. His primary selves judge people who are too uptight; they feel that perfectionism is foolish. They think that life is to be enjoyed and that spending time on making life perfect is wasteful.

Randy’s primary selves, then, are the disowned selves of the family. Instead of his Inner Critic trying to make him fit into his family (like Andy’s) and judging him if he deviates from his family’s requirements, his primary selves judge his parents for their foolish perfectionism. Randy’s Inner Critic, however, would judge him if he tried to be perfect. It would say something like, “You’re acting just like your mother. How disgusting!” Under conditions of real stress, such as the loss of a job, the Critic is quite capable of reversing roles and criticizing him for being too sloppy, even though this is not its primary orientation.

Like Anna, Randy’s primary selves are the disowned selves of his family. Both Randy and Anna judge their parents for what they are like. But their primary selves have developed to serve two different functions. Anna’s primary selves protect her vulnerability by specifically trying to enable Anna to fit into society. In contrast, Randy’s primary selves are protecting his Vulnerable Child from the pain of trying to accomplish something impossible. There is no way that Randy can be as perfect as his parents wish him to be! His primary selves make sure that he does not even try, and thus there is no way that he can fail.

THE INNER CRITIC AS EVALUATOR OF OUR READINESS FOR RELATIONSHIP

By now, you have seen how much vested interest the Inner Critic has in your relationships. Next, we would like to introduce you to another role that the Inner Critic can play in relationship, a role that historically is rather a new one. Years ago, people entered primary relationships simply because it was time to do so. There was no concern about anyone’s readiness for relationship. It was assumed that if you were interested, you were ready. Since divorce has become so common and it has become apparent over the last twenty-five years that not everyone is ready, many people wonder whether or not they are truly ready for relationship. And guess who is likely to answer the question “Am I ready for a lasting relationship?” You’re right, it is the Inner Critic.

Underneath the Inner Critic feels vulnerable. It is panicked that you will mess up, that you will prove unacceptable when someone really moves in close to you, that your relationship will not last, and that you will ultimately be abandoned. So it sets out to examine all systems before it will allow you to take the chance of commitment. When an Inner Critic is the evaluator of readiness, you can imagine what happens. It is quite unlikely that you will ever pass its test!

And so your Inner Critic tells you that you are just not ready. First, your physical appearance is not yet up to par. You must lose weight, exercise more and get rid of your flab, lose that cellulite, dye your hair, fix your nose, and possibly get a face-lift. You do not have your work act together. Before you think of a committed relationship, get yourself a better job so that you will be able to afford a family. Get another degree. You are not sexy enough. You are still too boring. You are not emotionally ready. You must get your psyche in order so that you will not allow yourself to get into another codependent situation. You have not learned how to be intimate. You do not know how to be separate. You cannot set appropriate boundaries. You are not responsible enough. You are too responsible. And on and on it goes.

Some of its comments may have objective value, of course, but it is the feeling behind them that counts. The message that it puts across is that you, as a human being, are just not enough. You must be improved upon before you are fit for relationship with another human being. If, however, you wait for the Inner Critic to let you know that you are ready, you are in big trouble. We sincerely doubt that it will ever give you the go-ahead signal.

This readiness for relationship includes the readiness for parenthood. Having a baby is taking an irrevocable step into relationship. It involves a lifetime of responsibility and, needless to say, the Inner Critic panics because it fears failure in this all-important venture. A new generation of Inner Critics have grown fat with all the new knowledge about the damage that parents do when they parent poorly. The Inner Critic of many psychologically sophisticated individuals is quick to say:

You’re not ready to have a child.

You have a lot to clear up in yourself before you could possibly think of taking on responsibility for someone else.

You have a whole lifetime of inner work to do before you will be in a position to parent effectively.

You certainly don’t plan to put your children through the same discomfort that you have had to suffer. You don’t want to be the kind of parent that your parents were.

So you can see that the Inner Critic is a part of you that is almost always thinking in terms of relationship. Now, let us move forward and explore its role more deeply. First, we will look at how the Inner Critic is affected by the judgments of others. Then we will show you how its actions directly sabotage your relationships. Last, we will see how a hyperactive Inner Critic makes intimacy impossible.

HOW DOES YOUR INNER CRITIC WANT YOU TO RELATE TO OTHERS?

The following exercises will help you to see how your Inner Critic and your primary selves want you to relate to others. Remember, these selves originally evolved to protect you in your family of origin. With this new information and objectivity, your Aware Ego can look at their current effect on your life and relationships and can begin to modify their power if they are no longer serving you properly. In this way, your Aware Ego can take over the function of protection that was formerly served by these primary selves.

How does the Critic behave in relation to your primary selves? If your primary selves match those of your parents, your Critic will criticize you for any deviation from these selves. In order to protect you in your relationships, it will try to keep you relating to your parents and to the other people in your life just the way your parents do. If, however, your primary selves are the opposite of your parents, your Inner Critic will generally criticize you if your behavior in any way resembles theirs. Then it will try to protect you in relationship by ensuring that your actions are the opposite of theirs. Your Inner Critic does not want you to take any chances in life or in relationships, so it basically supports your old patterns of behavior even as it criticizes you for having them.

1. What will people think? Try to tune into the voice of your Inner Critic to hear its fears about what people will think. See if you can come up with your Critic’s favorite “people will think” statements. Perhaps these statements sound like ones that your parents used to make. Some common statements are:

People will think you don’t know anything.

People will think you are selfish.

People will think you’re bossy.

People will think you’re not nice.

People will think you have no manners.

2. Are you basically a spiritual or religious person? If so, does your Inner Critic worry about your relationship to God? What are its major concerns?

3. Are your primary selves like your parents? Think of Andy’s story. Which of your primary selves are like either of your parents?

4. Which of your primary selves are the opposite of your parents? For instance, if your parents were noisy, are you quiet?

5. What does your Critic say about your readiness for relationship? Or, if you are in a relationship already, where does it see your inadequacies?

6. Look at your primary selves and reevaluate their roles. Consider your primary selves as you defined them in this exercise and the one in chapter 1. Are there ways in which your primary selves no longer work for you? Think about the last time one of your primary selves automatically took over in your relationship and it caused a problem. Then think of a possible alternate behavior that might have served you better. For instance, you may be very independent and never ask for help. Whenever you feel vulnerable, you get tough and self-sufficient. Last week, you needed assistance in moving some heavy boxes while you were cleaning out the garage, but because of your independence you refused to call your husband to ask him to help Your Inner Critic said that if you called him, he would think you were a pest. So you lifted boxes that were too heavy and you hurt your back. You felt abandoned by him and you judged him angrily for never helping you when you really needed him. As you think of an example like this, you are using your Aware Ego to look at the roles played by your primary self and your Inner Critic. This makes you aware of your own behavior and creates the possibility of real choice in the future. Maybe next time you feel the surge of self-righteous independence, you will stop for a moment and ask yourself if, perhaps, you need some help. Then you have the choice to ask for the help that you truly need in this situation.