Chapter Thirteen
The Incomparable Comparer

To compare ourselves to others greatly strengthens the authority of the Inner Critic. The Critic constantly replays events, reminding us where someone did something better than we did or how someone looked better than we did or how someone had greater poise and made a better impression than we could ever hope to make. It is indeed difficult for the creative juices to flow in the face of this barrage of comparison and negativity.

We have seen many different approaches that the Critic takes in its attempt to control our lives. One of the most effective methods it uses is to compare us to other people. This happens so automatically and naturally that it is difficult to catch hold of until we focus on the Critic and listen to the way it uses language. What we feel are bad feelings, depression, and a sense of general inadequacy. What we hear are the comparisons that the Critic is making behind the scenes.

The story begins in childhood in our family settings. Usually different children in a family have differing strengths and weaknesses. One child is feeling-oriented and another is a natural thinker. One child is very physical and another imaginative. One child is extraverted and another is introverted. These are natural differences that are, to a considerable extent, genetically based. As these children grow up, however, family and general environmental influences usually exaggerate the differences.

For example, John is an introverted and fantasy-oriented child. His older brother, quite the opposite, is extraverted, very much in the world and pragmatic in his approach to life. John feels vulnerable in relationship to his brother and his brother’s strength in the world. His brother judges him for not being focused and for being weak. To make matters worse, John’s parents value the personality of the brother much more than they value John’s. This is where the Inner Critic comes in as the Incomparable Comparer. It constantly compares John to his brother. It always seems to be pointing out where he has fallen short and how well his brother has succeeded. Every family gathering is humiliating for John because his Critic goes into action a week before the event to start reminding him of his inadequacies.

Nor does the matter stop there. Since his brother carries many of his disowned selves, as John separates from his family and moves into his adult life, his Critic will be comparing him to every extraverted, successful man that he meets. These comparisons will go on endlessly. His wife may be very loving toward him and may well try to show him what a wonderful person he is and how his traits are to be valued. But his Inner Critic will have none of this. It behaves like a suit of armor and allows nothing positive to touch John. John will feel deeply jealous of men who are like his brother, and he will be wounded whenever he sees his wife talking in an animated way with men of this kind. Interestingly enough, the attractions and affairs that happen in relationship are often with someone who carries the disowned self of the wounded party.

As we have pointed out before, the Critic and Judge are two sides of a coin. John will no doubt judge his brother and people like his brother. It is entirely possible that he will be quite arrogant in these judgments. When the Inner Critic is strong, these judgments are often unspoken. The bottom line, however, will be John’s sense that he is a victim to his brother. This is often a central factor in bringing about major breakups in family relationships. We cannot bear to live with these comparisons at close range, and ultimately we have to remove ourselves from the pain.

A young boy comes home from school with a D on his report card. His mother is upset by this and feels very vulnerable. Not being aware of or having a separation from her vulnerability, she is going to be taken over either by her Critic, her Judgmental Self, or both. What actually happens to this mother is that she feels inadequate. Her Inner Critic tells her that she has failed as a mother. To handle the pain of her Critic’s remarks, she shifts into the Judgmental Self and says to her son, “Your brother never used to get grades like that.” These comparisons of one child to another are very common in parent-child interactions. They prepare the Critic for its role as the Incomparable Comparer.

It is important to realize how much of this kind of comparing by parents comes from their own sense of inadequacy and vulnerability about a particular issue. Parents are constantly scolded by the voice of the Inner Critic, which tells them that they have not done or are not doing a good job parenting. A child gets into trouble of some kind or does poorly in school, and the first thing that the father and mother experience is the Inner Critic telling them it was their fault and making them feel terrible. The Inner Critic combines with the “what will people think” voice that gets worried if the child does not perform well. The sense of victimization and vulnerability that parents experience from this “what will people think” voice causes a great deal of pain and anguish in them. Jumping into the next step of making judgments and comparisons becomes a natural way of handling the situation. “Why must you get into trouble all the time? No one else ever did that! Just wait until you grow up and have a child like yourself! I just don’t understand how you can lie like that. No one else ever behaved that way!” The Inner Critic/Comparer of the child takes in these statements and then uses them regularly to compare the youngster to the good boys and girls of the world who never get into trouble. These are painful comparisons, and life becomes an ongoing contest in which you lose most of the time.

SOME EXAMPLES OF THE INCOMPARABLE COMPARER

Here are some examples, taken from Voice Dialogue conversations, of the Inner Critic acting as the Incomparable Comparer:

Look how thin she is! I wish you would lose weight.

He made such a beautiful presentation.

She is so patient with her children.

That was such a brilliant interpretation! (Comparison implied.)

See how he is looking at her breasts. Men never look at your breasts that way.

He knows so much about so many things. Why don’t you read more?

She has all kinds of friends. You have a real problem attracting people to you.

You are so selfish next to her. She is really there for people.

They are all more successful than you are.

Keep in mind, as we have pointed out, that the Comparer plays off our disowned selves. For example, if we tend to be more introverted and a friend is more extraverted, then the Critic will say something like, “She’s so popular. You really need to get out more.” Or if we know someone who is calm, peaceful, spiritual, and loving, the Critic might say, “You’re always sticking your foot in your mouth. I wish you could be more like James. He’s always so calm and controlled.” This is happening in our friendships constantly, even with our very best friends

VOICE DIALOGUE WITH THE INCOMPARABLE COMPARER

Ed has a very successful business and an equally successful Critic. Listen to it in this conversation as it uses the tool of comparison.

FACILITATOR (to Critic): It sounds as though you have a lot of control over Ed’s life. He appears to be quite successful, but to hear him talk about himself one would think he’s a total failure.

CRITIC: Well, you may think that he’s successful, but the fact is that his brother is ten times wealthier than he is. And his brother is a lawyer also. So I wouldn’t call him successful.

FACILITATOR: It sounds as though he’s forever in his brother’s shadow as far as you’re concerned.

CRITIC: Well yes, but it isn’t just his brother. His best friend has twice as much money as he does. He’s a very bad manager. He’s just not a businessman.

FACILITATOR: Could he learn how to be a more successful businessman? Could he ever be more effective so that you would be happy with him?

CRITIC: Look, I have to tell you, the guy’s a loser. He always comes out on the bottom with the people that count. He just isn’t a big player, and that’s never going to change. It’s like a curse.

FACILITATOR: You’re pretty harsh with him, aren’t you?

CRITIC: I’m not harsh, just truthful. He can’t compete in the world with the big boys, and I just point that out to him and show him who these big boys are.

Ed’s Critic is certainly a heavyweight Comparer. The early childhood years were particularly painful for him because his older brother, who was outgoing and successful at everything he tried, was the special son of both his parents. Having his brother be the special favorite of his parents, and hearing their constant overt and covert references to his brother’s success, as well as Ed’s own early worship of his brother, provided his Inner Critic with vast quantities of food, and it grew big and fat and quite out of control. When a sibling or friend or parent is particularly successful or special, the Critic/Comparer usually becomes extra powerful.

Let us look at this for a moment from the vantage point of Ed’s brother. Even if his Critic/Comparer finds him superior to everyone else, his position in life is no more secure than if he were found inferior, because his Critic/Comparer is also too strong. If the Critic/Comparer operates with too much power and your worth as a human being depends upon being better than everyone else, then you become worthless when you are no longer the best!

Often the Critic will compare us to people that we do not know personally at all. For example, with very spiritual people, the Rule Maker will often set up some religious figure such as Jesus Christ or the Buddha as the model by which we should live. If we identify with this idea and try to be like Christ or Buddha in our behavior, then our Comparer has a real field day because any ill will or lack of perfection, by the standards of the Inner Critic, will be criticized and our gaze will constantly be brought back to the model of the life of the saint. Being compared to a saint, and with a rule in our minds that we must have ultimate enlightenment, the Critic literally evaluates everything we do in terms of whether it is moving us toward that enlightenment and whether our behavior is, in fact, like that of a saint. Since our home is the earth, and since we all have to live in society and earn a living, such comparisons are impossible to live up to and in fact can be quite crippling to our ability to function effectively in the world.

The Inner Critic might compare us to anyone—to a movie star or a business executive or a gas station attendant. If you do not do anything at all for your body and you happen to meet a real physical jock pumping gas, you may be sure that your Critic/Comparer will remind you of the glorious shape he is in and the miserable shape that you are in. This comparison can go on for weeks and months or even years. It is sad, but amusing too, to listen to an Inner Critic comparing you unfavorably to a person and event that took place five years or twenty years earlier in your life.

The Inner Critic uses siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, anyone it can think of to establish these comparisons. It requires a great deal of awareness and authority to get out from under this kind of attack. Think about your own life for a moment and think of who the Inner Critic uses as comparison models for you. Are they family members? friends? acquaintances? people that you do not know personally at all? It is only by becoming aware of these comparisons that you can separate from the Critic and begin to give it the help it needs. These comparisons are a significant part of the regular network programming of radio station KRAZY.

“THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS NOT TO PLAY THE GAME”

In its role as the Incomparable Comparer, the Inner Critic is constantly putting you down. When you feel yourself sinking down into inadequacy as your Critic compares you to someone else, you can ultimately learn how to refuse to play the game. Next time this happens, start to say no firmly. It may take awhile, and we can assure you that the Critic as Comparer will reemerge from time to time, but you can gradually remove yourself from this part of the Critic’s power by just refusing to listen to it.

It is also important to say no when a power voice wants to compare you favorably to others. These comparisons can be very seductive, but this game is as dangerous as the other! They are two sides of a coin. If your self-esteem is based on a power self that judges other people and that sees you as smarter or more successful or more attractive than they are, then you must always be the best. If you are not the best, then you are nothing and your Critic becomes terrified. It then works twice as hard, trying to move you back into a position of superiority by a new barrage of comparisons and criticisms.

The world of self-criticism on the one side and judgment toward others on the other side represents a major part of the dance of life. Hearing these voices, learning about their underlying vulnerability, and developing an Aware Ego in relationship to them gives us the ability to separate from them and to get off the dance floor when the wrong music is playing. The only way to win the game of judgment and self-criticism is to learn how not to play the game.

HOW DOES THE INCOMPARABLE COMPARER WORK IN YOUR LIFE?

1. Can you think of people in your life that the Inner Critic compares you to? Does it compare you to one or more of your siblings, cousins, parents, stepbrothers or stepsisters, colleagues, or friends?

2. Pay close attention to what the Critic finds wanting in you and how it uses these judgments in the comparisons that it makes.

3. Does it compare you to public figures—people in the world of film or politics or any other field of work?

4. What does the Incomparable Comparer say about your body when it compares you with someone else?

5. As you listen to the Incomparable Comparer make its comparisons, is there anything that you could do that could possibly make it right? Is there anything you could do that could possibly make you equal to the other person? The answer to this question is invariably a resounding “no!” We can only feel bad until we recognize that these comparisons are being made by the Critic and that we do not have to play the game.