Chapter Fourteen
How the Inner Critic Sabotages Our Relationships

The Inner Critic makes each of us a child. As we become the child in our relationships, we lose our sense of self. We are no longer self-contained, self-respecting adults. We look to others for validation. Our self-worth is based upon their opinions of us. Thus, everyone around us becomes a mother or a father whose support and approval is desperately needed to protect us from the constant criticism of the Inner Critic.

Through many devices the Inner Critic actively sabotages our relationships. Just stop for a moment to think about the energy drain caused by a hyperactive Critic. There is almost nothing left over for our outside relationships once our Critic is through with us. Much of our energy is spent in responding to its criticisms, either defending ourselves or feeling hopeless. Many of us have relationships that are like this—our basic attention goes to the Inner Critic rather than to the other person. After all, how can you relate intimately to another person when you have a Critic on your back with a choke hold around your neck?

Now let us consider the specific ways in which the Inner Critic can make relationships miserable. Remember that the Critic was born in relationship and that in its actions it often recreates the original relationships we knew as a child. So the first aspect we will consider is how our new relationships mirror the old.

THE INNER CRITIC AS RE-CREATOR OF OUR CHILDHOOD RELATIONSHIPS

Our role in relationship is usually similar to the role that we played in our family of origin. In families, there is usually a division between the family members who have strong Inner Critics and those who have strong Judges. Thus, as we saw in chapter 12, certain family members will judge, while other family members have Inner Critics who pick up these judgments and use them; some family members are quick to assign blame, and others will readily accept it.

Jeri’s father is a judgmental man who is constantly commenting on the shortcomings of others. Jeri develops a strong Inner Critic who picks up her father’s judgments and uses them against her. Underneath it all, her Critic is hoping to make Jeri so perfect that her father will stop pointing out her shortcomings and will love her. But Jeri’s role has been established; she is a victim to the judgments of the others in her family. Her Inner Critic has grown to enormous proportions. This makes her an instant victim to people in the outside world as well. If her husband tells her she is a fool, the Inner Critic agrees and Jen believes him. If her children blame her for their own poor school performance and tell her that it was because she did not help them enough, her Critic agrees and she feels guilty. Jen has become a guilt machine, and it is the Inner Critic who keeps starting the engine.

Conversely, Tom’s mother had a strong Inner Critic. In response to her willingness to accept blame and to be the underdog, Tom became the judge in their relationship. He was quick to point out everything that she did wrong, from the way she took care of herself physically to her inability to deal powerfully in the world. He teased her, judged her, and generally blamed her for anything that went wrong in the family. So Tom developed a strong Judge rather than a strong Inner Critic. He, then, with his Judge as a primary self, recreates this original family situation in his current family.

Now let us imagine that Tom and Jeri team up in their lives. What scenario can we expect? Tom will become more and more judgmental toward Jeri. Her own Inner Critic will continue to grow until it matches that of his mother. She, in turn, has been drawn to Tom, a man with a strong Judge, because in her family of origin she was the one with the strong Inner Critic. Eventually Tom’s Judge will match that of her father, as she keeps feeding it with her victim/daughter psychology.

Sometimes, however, when there is a particularly strong outer Judge, the Inner Critic will retire for a while and allow the outer Judge to take over its duties. Hal remembers talking to the Inner Critic of a woman who had been married to a very judgmental husband for many years. Her Inner Critic had this to say: “I went into retirement when she married Al. He did a great job. He criticized her all the time and I didn’t have anything to do. I’m back now that they’re divorced. And the truth of the matter is that I haven’t forgotten any of my old tricks!”

It is important to note again that the Inner Critic and the Judge (the part of us who judges others) are two sides of the same coin. They are similar in the feelings that they carry and in the observations that they make. The only difference is that one judges us and the other judges the world. A strong Inner Critic, like the one that Jeri has, is a primary self and is often accompanied by an equally strong Judge who operates in silence. Thus Jeri is filled with silent judgments toward her parents and husband. There is as much passion in these silent judgments as in her self criticism. It is just that the judgments are held in silence.

It is a truism of relationship that every unspoken feeling or reaction toward another person can easily become a silent judgment. The other person senses these judgments and does not know why he or she is feeling uncomfortable, and possibly vulnerable, when seemingly in a position of clear superiority. Sometimes these judgments come out in the form of joking comments, sometimes they are spoken aloud to friends or to children, and sometimes they burst out under the influence of alcohol or at a time when anger breaks through the control system. Sometimes they are held in for fifteen or twenty years until the partner who is carrying these silent judgments, apparently without warning, files for divorce. These unspoken judgments can destroy the intimacy in our relationships. Last, but not least, they always work to strengthen the Inner Critic of the other person.

Just as a strong Inner Critic does not guarantee that no outer Judge is operating, so too the appearance of strength given by a strong Judge, as a primary self, does not necessarily mean that there is no Critic within. The outer Judge can silence an Inner Critic when someone is clearly a “winner” and in complete control. The Judge then maintains this position of ascendancy by being better than everyone else. However, when this position of superiority is threatened by a sudden reversal in fortune such as in illness, loss of job, retirement, or divorce, we often find that the Inner Critic goes to work.

Bad economic conditions will always activate many more Inner Critics. All the judgments that have been directed outward now move inward and attack, making these apparently strong people extremely vulnerable. After all, their power depended upon their perception that they were better than everyone else. That is one of the reasons why “powerful” judgmental men, such as Tom or Jeri’s father, can become extremely vulnerable when the balance of power is upset and they are no longer clearly in control.

The role of the Inner Critic in maintaining our vulnerability is extremely important in all our relationships, so to this we next direct our attention.

THE INNER CRITIC TRIGGERS OUR VULNERABILITY

When we are vulnerable and unable to deal with our vulnerability, we cannot relate properly to another human being, whether this relationship is romantic, familial, a friendship, or work related.

The existence of a normally active and moderately well-nourished Inner Critic plays a major role in keeping us vulnerable. The Inner Critic and its constant complaints about us and the way in which we live makes us feel inadequate because, when it is operating and we are not aware of it, we just cannot seem to do enough or be good enough so that we can feel good about ourselves.

For instance, if we give a big workshop and it basically goes well, Sidra’s Inner Critic may have noticed that someone in the last row left early. With the Inner Critic commenting on this, she will feel vulnerable. Or if we choose to write this book but in so doing we must put off working on our scheduling, running errands, or making notes for our next teaching assignment, our Inner Critics have the opportunity to lecture us on our shortcomings and to make us vulnerable about what is not being done. No matter how much writing we do or how good it is the Inner Critics can tell us that we neglected our other work, our physical routines, each other, our families, etc., etc. (The etceteras are to show you that the Inner Critic does have a way of running on and on.)

Sandie is a working mother who has just driven her children to grade school and has gone on to her job. She likes her work and is looking forward to a productive day. She arrives at the office to find that her youngest child has left his lunch in the car. Her Inner Critic immediately begins to berate her about how and why she forgot the lunch. Depending on its level of sophistication, it might even criticize her lack of nurturance and caring as an indication that she is not adequately in touch with her deep femininity.

Sandie feels totally vulnerable and worried about the consequences of this trauma for her son. She is concerned about the judgments of her real mother, who thinks it is shameful for a woman to go to work while she still has school-age children. Sandie’s mother does not even have to be present for these concerns to surface; the Inner Critic is repeating all her comments. Now, rather than feeling self-assured and excited as she starts her day, Sandie feels vulnerable and will become a victim to just about any judgmental person in her vicinity. Her Inner Critic makes her see herself as deserving of their judgments and will be quick to point out to her that she has sabotaged her relationship both to her son and to her co-workers. She is in a state of complete vulnerability.

See how it works? No matter what you do or how you do it, it is just not good enough for your Inner Critic, and your Inner Child feels vulnerable and uncared for.

THE INNER CRITIC MAKES YOU A CHILD IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

When the Inner Child feels vulnerable and uncared for, and when you do not know how to parent it properly, it will look for parenting elsewhere. It will go elsewhere for reassurance and protection. Let us return to the workshop in which somebody leaves early and Sidra’s Critic gets activated. When her Inner Critic starts to talk, her Inner Child feels dreadful. If Sidra has no Aware Ego operating, then she cannot be objective about this and deal with the Critic’s complaints and her child’s feeling of failure. The next step in this scenario is that her Inner Child will turn to Hal for reassurance, as though he were her father. We now have two grown-up people, who have just done a good piece of work together and who should feel good about themselves and each other, driven apart by the Inner Critic’s attack. Hal must become father to Sidra’s Inner Child. He can either be a good father and reassure her, or he can become irritated with her for her lack of objectivity and her feelings of inadequacy. But a father he will become.

This relationship of the parent part of one person (Hal) with the child part of another person (Sidra) is what we call a “bonding pattern.” Bonding patterns are natural ways of relating to one another. When the “good” parent relates to the child, the pattern feels warm and safe; when the “bad” parent relates to the child, the pattern feels dreadful. In this example, if Hal’s Good Father reassures Sidra’s Inner Child, she will feel cared for and safe, at least for the moment. If Hal’s Judgmental Father becomes irritated with her, her Inner Child bonds into this Judgmental Father and she will be miserable. When this happens, Sidra’s Critic continues to chastise her on the inside and Hal’s Judgmental Father matches these comments on the outside.

The Inner Critic, as we have said, activates the Inner Child and turns us into inadequate children. The Inner Child cannot help itself; it will seek out parenting. If we cannot protect it against the attacks of the Inner Critic, it will seek out another parent. When it finds another parent, it bonds with this parent and we become children in our relationship. This is not the way to care for the Inner Child properly. In the long run, nobody can take care of your Inner Child as well as you yourself can.

As you can see, the Inner Critic keeps us feeling insecure and childlike. When it is operating, we feel like children who have done something wrong and probably will never be able to do anything right. Let us look at some other examples of how the Inner Critic directly affects relationships by creating bonding patterns.

THE INNER CRITIC AND BONDING PATTERNS

Henry loves Betty. They have been dating for six months now, and he wants to do something special for their anniversary. He plans to surprise her; he decides to bring her flowers and to take her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant. He makes his preparations and is ready for the big evening. He is a bit nervous, but he ignores this.

Henry is a romantic. In this way, he is different from the rest of his family of origin. His father is a gruff, unromantic, judgmental man. He is critical of any feelings and particularly of anything that might suggest softness or vulnerability. Because his father is so judgmental, Henry has developed a strong Inner Critic. As Henry gets dressed for the evening, his Inner Critic (who sounds a good deal like his father) begins to tell him that the evening is not going to work. It says that he is being a fool, he is too romantic, women do not like men who treat them too well, women like men who are tough, they do not like softies.

By the time he is ready to meet Betty, Henry feels like a foolish child. He is awkward and has trouble thinking of something to say to her when, only hours earlier, he was full of exciting thoughts and feelings and a great deal of love and tenderness. Instead of a romantic man who is looking forward to being with his woman, Henry has become an uncomfortable awkward child who looks to Betty for appreciation and love but fears that she will find him inadequate, just as his Inner Critic does.

Although Betty previously has not thought of Henry as a child, she now sees him as one and reacts to him as a parent. For a time she may react as a “good” parent, praising him for what he has done for her. This is a bonding pattern, not a conscious interaction between two people. At some point, however, Betty finds herself becoming irritable with him and she turns into a “bad” parent. As Henry’s Inner Critic criticizes him on the inside, she will begin to judge him from the outside, perhaps even repeating some of his Critic’s criticisms about his being too soft and needy. This, then, re-creates the uncomfortable relationship that Henry had with his father. A truly miserable bonding pattern has been created.

For another example of the Inner Critic’s influence on bonding patterns, let’s look at Ethel and her children. Ethel’s mother was not a very motherly type and Ethel did not really like her very much, so her Pusher and her Perfectionist have decided that she must be the perfect mother. Her Inner Critic is intent that she live up to their expectations. So Ethel reads magazine articles and books and tries to give her children the advantage of all the new information on child rearing. She knows the mistakes that her mother made with her, and she does not want to repeat them.

Ethel is basically a good mother. She is thoughtful about her relationship to her children and she truly loves them. But the catch is this: it is not Ethel who is in charge here, it is her Pusher and Perfectionist, and her Critic is always available to point out all the “mistakes.” Her Critic will tell her that she is emotionally unavailable, that she is too available, that she should be planning more interesting and challenging activities for her children, that she is overscheduling them and not allowing them time for imaginative self-expression, that she is stressing academics too much, or that she is not helping them to get ahead in school like the other mothers who do homework with their children. Ethel can do little that is right, because there is always an opposite opinion on how to best raise children.

This makes Ethel completely vulnerable. She is actually in a child relationship to her children. She is in a bonding pattern with them. If they are “good” parents and love her and think that she has done a good job, she feels good; if they become “bad” parents and are angry with her, she is devastated. This makes it almost impossible for her to do anything that will make them unhappy. It is difficult for her to set limits, to ask them to do anything they do not want to do, or to correct them.

Because of her Critic’s judgments on her child rearing, Ethel is a child to the children’s teachers as well. She is in a bonding pattern with them, much as with her children. Ethel’s Inner Child looks to the children’s teachers for approval and validation. If they think that her children are well behaved, hardworking, and intelligent, she feels good about herself. If they say anything negative, she feels bad. Ethel is also a child when she is around the other mothers. Her Inner Critic, as the Incomparable Comparer, is quick to point out where other mothers do the job better, and she spends a good deal of time feeling inferior to them. If she has any interactions with these mothers, she will be in bonding patterns with them as well.

What you can see from all these examples is that the Inner Critic makes each of us a child. As we become the child in our relationships, we lose our sense of self. We are no longer self-contained, self-respecting adults. We look to others for validation. Our self-worth is based upon their opinions of us. Everyone around us becomes a mother or a father whose support and approval is desperately needed to protect us from the constant criticism of our Inner Critic. The irony in this is that nobody else can give us the approval we need. Nobody can give us anything but temporary relief from the pain caused by the Inner Critic. Only we can rescue ourselves from this ceaseless bombardment.

THE INNER CRITIC MAKES US UNRELIABLE AS PARTNERS OR FRIENDS

The Inner Critic’s ability to make us unreliable partners and friends is slightly different from its power to make us children in relationship. As an equal partner, you must be reliable. When your Inner Critic is active, you basically cannot be counted on as a competent, adult, objective partner, whether this partnership is at work or in a personal relationship.

Your Critic can make you unreliable. With an active Inner Critic you cannot predictably and consistently define boundaries or stand up for yourself, your friends, family, or co-workers. An active Inner Critic leaves you vulnerable to the opinions and judgments of others. As we have shown, you become a child in relationship to the people around you. You need them to validate you. As a result of this, wherever you are, you are the child and you will react to the opinions and needs of others. You are likely to vacillate and change as others demand this of you or as they judge you.

The Inner Critic causes you to distrust yourself, and this too leaves you open to the influences of others. Let us see how this works. It is the week after Open School Night. The children’s teachers have spoken to the parents about limiting TV watching because the children are not doing their homework. You and your wife decide to set limits with the children and enforce them. No TV until the homework is done! It is all very clear. Then your wife leaves to go to a meeting. Your Inner Critic begins to harass you over something you did at the office, and you start to feel vulnerable. Now when the children say, “Oh, Daddy, just let us watch a little TV and then we’ll do our homework. Come on!” you simply cannot say no. Your Critic reminds you that you made a stupid decision earlier in the day, and you now begin to distrust this decision as well. It suggests to you that perhaps you did overreact to the teacher’s demands. In addition to the fact that you no longer trust the decision that you made, you are feeling foolish and vulnerable and you want your children to love you. The children are not likely to show you much immediate affection if you insist that they do their homework!

On an inner level, your Critic is attacking you and you feel vulnerable; this has turned you into a child in relationship to your children. Now you need your children to “parent” you and to love you. So you let them watch TV even though you and your wife agreed that they should not. You have proven yourself an unreliable partner. Simple, isn’t it? The Critic can undermine you when you are separated, and without realizing that you are doing so you betray your partner, leaving him (or her) vulnerable and, sooner or later, judgmental and angry.

The same pattern can happen at work. You run a business in which each person is expected to be responsible. Ernest has been slacking off, and you and your partner decide that it is your turn to talk to him about this. By the time you reach Ernest, your Critic has pointed out to you that you are so incompetent you have no right to discipline anyone. You no longer can speak firmly and objectively to Ernest. Instead, you are tentative and a little apologetic in what should have been a clear and objective definition of expectations. You have unintentionally betrayed your partner.

In a last example, a piece of work needs to be done. A report has to be written at work, a plumber needs to be called for the household, estimates must be obtained for an addition to the house, reservations have to be made for your group of friends for dinner at a restaurant of your choosing. You promise, with enthusiasm and the full intention of doing so, that you will take care of any one of these matters. Then, when you are alone, the Inner Critic attacks. It is sure that you will do this wrong. The report will be dreadful; the plumber will do a bad job and will probably overcharge you; you really do not know how to call for estimates and, besides, nobody will ever pay any attention to you because you do not command authority; nobody will like the restaurant you have chosen and they will all know that you are a boor. Even though you would like to do as you promised, you become paralyzed and cannot move ahead. You disappoint the others. They will probably feel betrayed and vulnerable and then become irritable with you.

THE INNER CRITIC ENERGETICALLY ELICITS THE JUDGE FROM OTHERS

The best way to avoid being judged by others is not to judge yourself. But with a reasonably active Inner Critic, this is just about impossible. The Critic literally activates the Judge in the people around us, even in those who usually are not very judgmental. As Hal is fond of saying, “A little white rabbit will become a stern and unforgiving judge when you have a strong Inner Critic.”

Part of this is nonverbal, or energetic, if you will. The Inner Critic sets up a vibration like a tuning fork. Just as the tuning fork touched to a box brings forth a similar tone from the box. so does the Critic bring forth a similar tone from other people. If the tuning fork sings out the note A-sharp, then the box will also sing out an A-sharp. Just as there are Inner Critics everywhere, so also are there Judges just waiting to get their turns. As the Judges of the world sense the A-sharp of the Critic, they respond with their own A-sharp. What a miserable situation! The Inner Critic’s worst nightmare comes true over and over again. The world is full of judgmental parents!

It is almost impossible to avoid this reaction. If someone is having a Critic Attack, it is almost impossible for the other person not to become judgmental. The guilty, victim child will draw out the judgmental, blaming parent from the people around him or her. Conversely, people who are judgmental will activate the Inner Critic in the other person with all the attendant feelings of inadequacy.

Most of you had the following experience as children: You did something wrong, you knew you had been bad, and you felt guilty. When your parents came into the room, they looked at you and saw that you looked guilty. Then they asked something like, “Now what have you been up to?” As adults, our guilt feelings elicit the same kinds of accusations from the outside world that they did from our parents. It is not necessary for us to say anything aloud because our looks, our energies, and the signals that we are sending out are enough.

THE INNER CRITIC ELICITS THE JUDGMENTS IN OTHERS

When we move to the level of verbal interaction, we can watch the Judge elicited by the comments of the Inner Critic. Emma is an attractive young woman, but she has a very active Inner Critic. Her Critic has decided that Emma’s nose is all wrong and that she should have it fixed. Emma begins to ask her friends their opinions. Most of them think that her nose is just fine the way it is, and they tell her so. There is nothing objectively wrong with it. But then she continues and says, “Well, if I made it a little narrower here and a little shorter there, wouldn’t it look good?” This brings forth the Judge in just about everyone, and at this point they are likely to agree with Emma’s Critic that, yes, it would be a good idea to have her nose fixed.

Jane is a pretty woman with a lovely body, but she has a simply monstrous Inner Critic. She is obsessed with what is wrong with her body. She looks at her cellulite, she thinks that she is fat, she counts her wrinkles, she frets over how badly her clothes fit, she bemoans her lack of firmness, she compares herself unfavorably to other women. Her husband, Frank, used to think that she looked pretty good. But now, after listening to her talking about all the things that are wrong with her, he is beginning to wonder if maybe, after all, she is right. Over the years, Frank’s judgments are elicited and he starts to look at Jane the way that her Inner Critic looks at her. Now Jane does not look too good to Frank either. Her Critic’s worst fears have come true.

The Inner Critic can affect the evaluation of one’s work as well. Charles hands his supervisor a report. It is a fine report, but Charles’s Inner Critic does not think so. She (Charles’s Critic is a she because it sounds just like his mother, who was a schoolteacher) has already shown him everything that is wrong with the report. For a few moments the supervisor does not say anything. Charles cannot bear the silence, and at the urging of his Critic he says, “Well, I know that the conclusions don’t follow from the findings if you want to look at it in a truly rigorous fashion.” The supervisor, who had not thought that at all, now picks up directly from Charles’s Critic and begins to criticize the report and point out all the shortcomings that had not been important to him earlier. It is no longer the supervisor but the supervisor’s Judge that is now on the job. Actually, the conclusions are fine, as is the report, but a good Critic working with a powerful Judge can make just about anything look bad, and that is what happens to Charles’s report.

THE INNER CRITIC AS AN INTERPRETER OF SILENCE

The Inner Critic is basically a verbal self that cannot bear silence. This affects our relationships in two ways.

First of all, as we saw with Charles in the last example, the Critic rushes in to interpret the silence of others—disastrously! As Charles waited for his supervisor to comment upon his work, the Critic began to panic. As we have said earlier, the Inner Critic is basically terrified that we will be rejected, that we will be found not good enough. Now Charles knows very well that it takes awhile to read a report that someone else has spent two months in preparing. It will obviously take his supervisor some time to look over the report, digest its contents, and then evaluate it. But Charles’s Inner Critic does not know about this; his Inner Critic hears the deafening silence and panics. The Inner Critic takes over, and since there is no Aware Ego, there is no one to remind Charles of the objective fact that this will take some time. Instead, his Critic feels unbearable pressure from its own interpretation of the silence and uncontrollably blurts out its criticisms of the report in an effort to please the supervisor.

Charles gives us one painful picture of how the Inner Critic handles the silence of another person. What do you think your Inner Critic is going to say when another person falls silent in your presence? If you are a woman, and a man that you have just met at a party suddenly stops speaking, is your Inner Critic likely to tell you that he has been struck dumb, that he has just been overwhelmed by his sexual feelings or by the thought of how much he wants you to like him? Not likely. Your Inner Critic is far more likely to tell you that he is bored or angry or that he wishes you would go away because he feels stuck with you and he wants to talk to someone else in the next room.

In intimate relationships, we do not usually keep talking all the time. If we do, it can get fairly exhausting. But the silence, again, is a threat to the verbal Critic. The Critic begins to worry, and it fills the silence with an internal monologue. It thinks of all sorts of reasons why the other person is disappointed, annoyed, or otherwise upset with us. It, of course, never thinks that the other person could be sleepy, thinking about lunch, worried about something at work, going over a list of things that have to be done, or involved with any of the thousands of matters that clutter up our minds. For the Inner Critic, this is seen as a silence that is filled with judgment and we, somehow, must have done something wrong. If you tune in carefully, you might even hear it say something like: “What did I do?” “Why is she (he) not talking to me?” “Why is he (she) looking so irritated?” “What’s the matter?”

The second way in which the Critic’s inability to tolerate silence affects our relationships is that it blocks intimacy directly by not allowing us to move into a “being” state. It keeps us in a “doing” mode. The being state is the one in which we can just be with another human being without having to perform. We can just relax together with no place to go and nothing to do. This is an intensely intimate way to be with another person. But this type of quiet panics the Critic, who must fill every space with doing something and with speech.

Now let us look further at the ways in which the Inner Critic blocks true intimacy in relationships.

THE INNER CRITIC BLOCKS INTIMACY IN RELATIONSHIPS

Because the ability just to be, silently, with another person is such an important aspect of intimacy, we would like to develop the last point more fully. The Inner Critic is panicked by silence and does not allow this being state. There is no opportunity, therefore, for the deep and peaceful intimacy of silence.

The Inner Child is one key ingredient for our truly intimate connections with others. This child brings a depth of feeling, a spontaneity, and a sensitivity in relating to all our close relationships. But when the Inner Child is badly abused by the Inner Critic, it is not available for relationship. It is too hurt and damaged to be able to emerge and connect with another human being. This, then, continues the cycle. The Critic maintains the abandonment and the inner abuse of the Inner Child by keeping it isolated from the love, intimacy, and support of others who might be able to help in its healing.

The Inner Critic keeps us victimized by its constant harangues. It tells us that we do not deserve anything good. Thus we often relate to others as a victim. This brings forth pity or judgment in others, not a sharing, admiring, and equal intimacy.

In an intimate, sexual relationship, an active Inner Critic kills Aphrodite (the goddess of love). It is a talker, not a lover. It has no real way of relating to another person in a sensual fashion. To make matters even worse, it has an unfortunate habit of criticizing you for the way you look and the way you perform. These particular criticisms tend to diminish sexual activity and performance. After all, if you are worried about what you look like, what you smell like, how you sound, if you are performing properly, if you are sexy enough, if you are as passionate as you should be, or if your orgasms are good enough, you are not very likely to enjoy your natural sexuality. Inner Critics tend to be experts when it comes to sexual performance.

In addition to all this, the Inner Critic can keep you from taking in anything good. Even though your friends or intimates may be positive in their comments to you, the Inner Critic has it in its power to nullify their love and praise. It may wait until you are alone later in the day or, better yet, until the wee hours of the morning before it reviews the nice things that others have said about you. Then, even though you would just love to believe them, it effectively blocks out their loving or complimentary remarks with comments like the following:

They really didn’t mean that.

He just felt sorry for you, so he said something nice.

You just fooled them.

If she really knew what you were like underneath, like I do, she’d never say that.

Wait until he gets closer to you, then he’ll find out what you’re really like.

She’s just saying what she knows you want to hear.

He just wants something from you.

It’s a manipulation, she doesn’t mean it.

There’s a whole part of the story that they just don’t know.

For some of us, the Inner Critic flips over to the other side and becomes the Judge and we distance ourselves from others. It happens when we really love somebody and we arc particularly vulnerable in relationship. This is the signal for the Inner Critic to get worried. It starts to criticize us in order to make us perfect enough to deserve the other person, and then, when the pain or anxiety gets too great, it triggers our Inner Judge. The Critic disappears and the Judge takes over. We find ourselves pushing away from the other person because everything he or she does displeases or even disgusts us. When the Judge takes over suddenly in this way, it is often a good idea to go looking for the Critic who is likely to be operating underneath.

So when you are thinking about some of the difficulties that you encounter in your relationships, we suggest that you look to your friend, the Critic. Check it out, see what it has been doing, and you may discover that it has been playing a major—and all too familiar—role as an unintentional saboteur.

HOW CAN YOU PROTECT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS FROM YOUR INNER CRITIC?

As you look over the exercises at the end of this chapter, you will see how your Inner Critic can turn you into either an inadequate child or a judgmental parent in your relationships with others. These patterns, which we call bonding patterns, cause much unhappiness. Our book Embracing Each Other describes these bonding patterns in detail and tells about how to deal with them. In the present book, we are specifically concerned with the role played by the Inner Critic.

What can you do about these bonding patterns in your relationships? First of all, with the help of this book and all these exercises, become alert to the actions of your own Inner Critic, notice your own patterns of behavior, and begin to take steps to change them as suggested. You can use any system of growth or therapy to supplement our suggestions. Anything that helps you to separate from the Inner Critic and to assume your own authority in life will help in this. This is a gradual process. Your Inner Critic is not likely to disappear completely overnight, but with persistence you can diminish its power and transform the Critic so that you can use its unbelievable intelligence and boundless energy in more fully supportive ways.

The very best thing that you can do for your relationships is to be in tune with your own needs and feelings. Your Inner Critic comes into operation when you are vulnerable, and it fears for your safety. If you take charge and deal effectively, it does not need to do so. All psychospiritual work that you do is going to help to make you a more effective person, make you better able to take care of yourself, and thus reduce the anxiety level of the Critic. Another way of putting this is that if you care adequately for your own Inner Child, your Inner Critic can retire from its job as parent. When your Inner Critic is no longer tearing you to pieces, you will be able to relate to others with far greater satisfaction.

Remember that your Inner Critic will activate the Judge in others. Do not make a habit of repeating its criticisms to someone whose love and admiration you want! If you do, you will just be drawing attention to your own shortcomings, whether they are real or imagined, and you will be inviting judgments. Deal with your Critic’s comments in settings that are specifically designed for this (like your support groups or in psychotherapy), but not in your everyday interactions with people whose relationships you value.

If someone is silent in your presence and you begin to feel very uncomfortable, take a moment to remember that your discomfort is probably a reaction to your Inner Critic’s unspoken interpretation of the silence. Check your thoughts as we suggest in exercise 8 at the end of this chapter. What do you think the other person is thinking? Now, try a reality check. Ask the other person what he (or she) is thinking. You may be surprised at the answer. The answer may truly be “nothing,” because many people spend time just sitting still with their minds blank. Or it may well be something that has nothing to do with you but is worrying the other person, like finances. It is only some of the time that you are being judged. These reality checks provide you with tangible information, and they help to calm the anxiety of your Inner Critic.

Last, but not least, look at the information from exercise 9 at the end of this chapter, and pay attention to what happens when someone says something nice to you. Then, when your Inner Critic begins to counter a compliment with its nasty comments, be aware that it is your Critic and not necessarily God who is speaking. As you realize that it is just your Inner Critic trying to protect you by shielding you, notice how it is keeping out the love or support of another, and experiment with removing the Critic’s shield. See what it feels like to let the positive messages in. Of course, you must always be alert to the possibility of manipulation by others, but most of the time positive messages are just what they seem to be on the surface.

All in all, any work that you do separating from your Inner Critic will greatly improve your intimate relationships. It has long been a part of our folk wisdom that you cannot love others or be loved until you love yourself, and there is no way that you can truly love yourself until your Inner Critic is no longer in charge of your self-image.

HOW DOES YOUR INNER CRITIC SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

As we said at the beginning of this chapter, your Inner Critic evolved in your familial relationships and plays a part in your current relationships. These exercises will help you to see how this works.

1. In your family of origin, with which family members did you play the role of the Judge? What did you judge about them?

2. In your family of origin, do you remember which family members judged you? If so, what were their criticisms? (This may already have been answered in the exercises at the end of chapter 1.)

3. Can you hear your Inner Critic repeating these criticisms of you? If so, what are they? (This also may have been answered by the exercises at the end of chapter 1.)

4. Where, in your current relationships, do you sometimes become the Judge? Whom do you judge currently? Do you sense this other person’s feelings of inadequacy? (This will be an indication of bonding patterns.)

5. Where do you sometimes feel like an inadequate child in your current relationships? (This will give you a clue as to where you are living in bonding patterns.)

6. Who in your present relationships seems to judge you? Whose judgments frighten you? What judgments are particularly upsetting?

7. Do you remember the last time that someone became silent in your presence? What did you think that person was thinking about you?

8. The next time that someone is silent in your presence, try to tune in to how your Inner Critic interprets this silence. Do you begin to think that the silent person is angry with you? disapproving of you? bored with you?

9. What does your Inner Critic whisper in your ear when someone says something nice to you?