When you learn to parent your Inner Critic you begin to assume control of the aspects of your life for which the Critic has until now been responsible. You assume the caring parental role in relation to the Critic. This is quite similar to taking responsibility for an elderly parent who has cared for you all your life and is no longer capable of performing this task but who, nonetheless, keeps on trying to parent you in the same old way. This parent now needs you to function independently and, in addition to this, desperately needs your help and support in dealing with the anxieties and problems of living although he or she does not know how to ask for this.
If you are identified with a primary self such as your mind, then that is who you think you are. In such a case, you live life primarily through your mind, and your feelings and emotions are fairly unimportant. There is no “I” to reflect on the fact that this is happening because your mind is the “I” of your life. Therefore, you have no choice in your actions, even though you believe that you do. It is your mind that determines your approach to life, work, and relationship.
If your primary self is a Responsible Parent, then you always take care of people and this is the “I” that you think you are. Without the knowledge that you are identified with a primary self, you would assume that you do have choice and are making conscious decisions about taking care of others. Once you become aware of the fact that you are identified with a self that always behaves responsibly, then you are in a position to separate from it. You are now able to become aware of the opposites within you. On the one side is your commitment to responsibility. On the other side is your commitment to taking care of yourself. Or on the one side is your mind with all of its power and authority and on the other side is your feeling reality. The idea is not to reject or judge your primary self. It is simply to understand that the primary self is not who you are so that you can begin to embrace both sides of yourself.
YOUR NEW ROLE IN THE PARENTING OF YOUR SELVES
You now have a new and very exciting job. The new “you,” your Aware Ego, is born when you first begin to separate from your primary selves. Once this begins to happen, you can discover and experience the disowned selves on the other side. Once you know about the primary and disowned selves, you have the possibility of embracing the multiple opposites that live within you and learning to carry the tension of these opposites. Now you are ready for your new job, the extremely important job of assuming responsibility for your selves, of becoming parent to all the selves within you. When you do this, you have a new clarity of choice that was not previously available to you.
Every primary self, including the Inner Critic, was born to take care of you in some way. These selves are happy to give up the job once they feel that there is someone around who can run your life, and this someone, of course, is you. What does it mean for you to become parent to a self? Parenting a self means literally becoming the responsible agent for that self. Since most of our primary selves, including the inner Critic, develop in large measure to protect the Inner Child, none of these selves can relax and give up their control over our lives until we have taken full responsibility for the care of this Child and they are sure that we will meet its needs appropriately. Therefore, let us first consider what it is like to take care of this Child.
When we talk to an Inner Child, it will often tell us exactly what it needs or likes or does not like. It is afraid of certain people. It likes to be with and feels safe with other people. It may be afraid of traveling. It may be afraid of groups of people. It may like to go for walks or take hot baths or have stuffed animals or watch cartoons on television. It may like to do nothing, just sit and stare with absolutely no requirements. Once we have identified the feelings of the child we are in a position to choose what needs to be done or not done. Parenting an Inner Child does not mean saying yes to all of its needs. It simply means that we remain related to the Child’s needs, fears, and anxieties; that we treat it as a good parent should, comforting it and deferring to its needs and fears some of the time and encouraging it to be brave and take appropriate risks at others.
Let us say that your Inner Child is afraid of taking trips out of the country. This does not mean that you do not take trips. If we did not do any of the things that our inner children were afraid of doing, none of us would be doing very much. However, you might find out some of the things that would make your Child feel better. He or she might feel better if you had reservations to stay somewhere for the first few nights. Some children ask for their own pillows. Some like it when you take along extra food. Most of them like to know that they will be taken care of in an emergency—that there is enough money, medicine, and warm clothing. Many will ask that you bring along special books that they can enjoy. Others like you to write letters so that there is a feeling of being in touch with people back home. It is amazing how sometimes the smallest thing can make the Child feel better.
Parenting the Child means that we recognize the fear and anxiety and that we hear the pleas that the Child is making. Then we are in a position to make choices based on the overall situation. Whether you choose to do what the child wishes or not, the Child feels that it is being well cared for.
We remember an actress in one of our groups who frequently went on auditions for acting roles. She was terrified and often froze, losing many good roles. She gradually became aware of both her Critic and Child. Bit by bit, she discovered how terrified the Child was at these auditions and how the Critic’s reactions were based on the terror felt by the Child. The client began to talk with the Child before her interviews. What could she do that would make the Child feel better? One of the things the Child asked for was a treat after the audition so she could look forward to something special. So the client began to plan special outings after the auditions—a special lunch or a visit to some special place or a special sweet or a special drive or activity that the Child wanted. The situation became quite manageable. It was not that the fear completely disappeared; it simply was that the call for help was heard and met. It is not so much what we actually do or do not do; it is that we take the Inner Child or any other self seriously. Each of our selves behaves like a real person and feels like a real person. Each needs our attention and needs to feel that it is being taken seriously. By taking care of her Child in this way, the actress became the responsible agent for her Child and the Critic became much less negative because it felt much safer.
Let us look at another example in which Susan learns to parent a primary self by learning to handle the Inner Child. Susan reached a point in her life where she separated from a primary self that was very responsible in its behavior toward people. Before this separation, she was the kind of person who was always available to her friends, for hours on end, with no consideration of her own needs. One day, after this new kind of understanding had come to her, the phone rang and it was one of her friends. She wanted very much to talk about some personal issues. The part of Susan that is mother to all of her friends immediately jumped in and was ready to listen for as long as necessary. Because of her new understanding, however, Susan knew that there was another side. She was able to tune in to a voice that represented the opposite side, and it told her something entirely different from what she had been used to hearing. It said to her, “This is not the time to talk. You have too much to do. Tell her you will call her back later.”
Now Susan has some choice in this matter. She also has a conflict. The Inner Mother is terrified at the idea that Susan would tell her friend that she cannot talk to her, and Susan’s Critic is having a full-scale anxiety attack. It accuses her of selfishness. It tells her that no one will want her if she is no longer available to them whenever they need her. Nevertheless, her more selfish voice is sick and tired of always being available to everyone. How then can Susan parent both this Inner Mother and her Inner Critic in this situation?
The main way for Susan to parent both her more responsible self and the Critic is to feel their underlying vulnerability. Her maternal way of behaving in the world was born as a way of making Susan feel safe as a little girl. This internal mother is afraid of hurting her friend’s feelings because this friend might abandon her if Susan is not available when needed and does not give to her. Also, this maternal self feels everyone’s pain profoundly because it is so closely connected to the vulnerability and sensitivity of Susan. Therefore, it feels the pain of Susan’s friends and makes sure that she gives to them, expecting that, in return, they will always be there for her and care for her. But Susan has noticed that this is not the way these relationships are actually working out.
Susan must now take over the parenting job and let the Inner Mother and the Critic know that they can relax, that it is not necessary to be available to everyone, that they have done a wonderful job but now she can take over and keep things safe. This means, however, that Susan must take over the job of protecting the Child. So long as it is left to the responsible self and the Inner Critic, Susan will be unable to establish any appropriate boundaries. An Aware Ego can say no if it chooses and can handle the anxiety that goes with establishing appropriate boundaries. The parts of us that are always giving to people cannot maintain appropriate boundaries because they are terrified that we will be confronted, attacked, or abandoned by the people with whom we are dealing.
AFFIRMATIONS
Affirmations arc forms of meditation that are usually spoken or written. They are statements that are made to support the positive sides of a person, to help bring in healthier energy, and to draw in divine support. In addition to this, affirmations are one way of parenting the Inner Child and dealing with the negativity of the Inner Critic.
There are hundreds of affirmations, and the use of these as a meditation or as a reprogramming of the negative statements of the Critic can be very helpful and strengthening. Here are a few examples of affirmations:
God loves me.
I am divine.
I open my heart and love all those around me.
I am basically good and I close myself to negativity.
I am a channel for God’s loving energy.
These affirmations are one way of dealing with the negativity of the Inner Critic as well as the negativity of one’s actual life. As you can see, they are used to affirm the positive and healthy side of a person. The refrain of the Critic, “The trouble with you is …” is a kind of negative affirmation. Instead of affirming the individual, it is denying him or her.
Affirmations do not make the Inner Critic go away. Our basic experience is that one cannot get rid of negativity by trying to make things positive. Affirmations are really a way of developing a new, more positive self. The problem is that some Critics become stronger under these conditions, as though to balance the positiveness of the affirmation.
The ideal way to use affirmations, from our perspective, is to use them along with Inner Critic work, because a Critic ignored or directly challenged becomes an increasingly dangerous adversary. With this combination, you have the best of both worlds. You can take advantage of the tremendous support that affirmations can bring while at the same time learning to understand and handle the Inner Critic as we have described in this book.
PARENTING THE INNER CRITIC
In the beginning of this book, we took the first step toward dealing with the Inner Critic by learning to identify station KRAZY and to recognize when it was playing. Next we learned to listen to what it was saying—to identify the content that was being broadcast. Then we learned that it was possible to turn the station off or shift to a different station with better programming. Last, we learned that the attack of the Inner Critic, as played over and over on our mythical station KRAZY, is, in fact, an alarm. It is a call for help, and underneath its criticism is the Critic’s fear, anxiety, and vulnerability about living in the world.
Now we have another step in the process. Now we begin to nurture the Inner Critic by starting to take over the functions that it has been handling. We have given a number of examples of how people become parents to the Inner Child and to certain of the primary selves. We did this so that you would better understand the concept of parenting your own Inner Family. Let us now examine what it is like to parent the Inner Critic directly.
Debbie is a very successful businesswoman, and she has had an equally successful Inner Critic accompanying her on her path to the top of her profession. Her Critic kept telling her that she really did not know what she was doing at work and that eventually someone was going to discover this and she would be finished. It also told her that she would never have a man because no man would be interested in her so long as she spent all her time on her career. In fact, she had quite a pleasant, albeit safe, social life, but as we know by now, Inner Critics do not exist to reward us for good behavior or for success. Debbie gradually became aware of the station KRAZY and its messages and began to have some choice about turning it off. She used journal dialogue to continue her direct contact with her Inner Critic and to deepen her awareness of its anxieties and needs.
DEBBIE: Why do you keep criticizing me about my job and about the fact that I’m never going to be married? What is it that really upsets you?
CRITIC: I’m very anxious about the job. You have so much responsibility. Men have that kind of responsibility, not women. I’m just terrified that you’re going to make a fool of yourself and that no one will ever want to be with you.
DEBBIE: So you’re feeling scared. That’s what’s behind all these years of criticism. That’s what my mother used to say. She was terrified of the world, just like you are underneath. She also felt that it was a man’s world.
CRITIC: Well, after years of listening to her, you can’t blame me for feeling scared. You spent so much time trying to ignore her and learning to be strong and independent that you left me to carry all the anxiety. Well, I am afraid of the world. It scares me. And I would like to see us safe with a man who could take care of us. It frightens me to think of growing old all alone. How could a man ever want to be with you and have a family when you always act as though it doesn’t really matter to you?
The Inner Critic is still making comments, but there is a totally different quality to the interaction. The Critic is now communicating from the feelings that have always been there underneath. The attack is over. Debbie can now listen to her Critic’s ideas because she has successfully neutralized its negativity. She has gone beneath the attack to search for the vulnerability. Let us continue the dialogue.
DEBBIE: Look, I have to work. However, I also appreciate the fact that you’re feeling very upset. What could I do for you that would make you feel better?
CRITIC: Stop working on Saturdays. Even if you work half a day, the day is shot. Stop trying to be a girl wonder. And begin to accept more dates. You act so independent. Take some risks and open yourself to some new men. Stop making me responsible for whether or not you get married. You know that you want to get married. I want you to feel what I’m feeling. Then I won’t have to feel all these things for you.
DEBBIE: You know something? I’m going to consider these two things very carefully. I can’t promise you at this moment that I’m going to do them, but I feel you have a real point. I’m beginning to see too that I haven’t taken any responsibility for meeting men and even though I have a nice social life, it is a very safe one and it effectively keeps me from meeting new people. It’s almost as though you have had to carry the anxiety about all this because I closed my eyes to it.
CRITIC: I always get the bad rap for these things. The Inner Child and I are terrified about being alone in the world and never having children and being all alone as you get older. I really would rather have you worry about it than me.
DEBBIE: Well, it really is my responsibility, not yours. I can’t tell you that I’ll be able to handle it all right away, but I really want you to have some time off. I think I’m beginning to understand what Jonathan (her therapist) meant when he said that you really needed a mommy to take care of you. I guess I’ll be that mommy, once I’m able to handle the job. I’m going to start working on it right away.
Here we see the full transition from Debbie as victim of the Critic to Debbie as parent of her Critic. We see her recognizing the fears of the Critic and gradually beginning to assume the responsibility for dealing with these fears.
Like Debbie, when you learn to parent your Inner Critic you begin to assume control of the aspects of your life for which the Critic has until now been responsible. You assume the caring parental role in relation to it. This is quite similar to taking responsibility for an elderly parent who has cared for you all your life and is no longer capable of performing this task but who, nonetheless, keeps on trying to parent you in the same old way. This parent now needs you to function independently and, in addition to this, desperately needs your help and support in dealing with the anxieties and problems of living although he or she does not know how to ask for this.
As this shift of responsibility occurs, you can see how the negativity of the Inner Critic is neutralized and the Critic, using its special abilities to spot potential problems, becomes a part of your inner support system. The ideas of this Critic are now available to you as part of your objective mind and are directly and clearly related to the emotions and the needs of your Inner Child. Thus it is now an ally and no longer an adversary.
BECOMING MORE IMPERSONAL
You might note that when Debbie wrote to her Inner Critic in her journal, her tone (or energy) was impersonal rather than personal. She did not get upset, either when her Critic was negative or when it was worried. She listened carefully with some detachment. She did not try to make it happy. Instead she tried to figure out what was bothering it and what actions she might take. One of the best ways to deal with the Critic is to adopt this impersonal way of being in the world, both in relation to the Critic itself and to the outside world as well.
What do we mean when we speak of “impersonal energy”? When you are impersonal, you are not deeply concerned about your emotional connection to other people; you have well-defined boundaries, you are objective. and you are able to think and react clearly without being overly influenced by the feelings or reactions of others. This does not mean that you are withdrawn or angry; it just means that you, as an individual, are completely self-contained. What is your responsibility is yours, what is someone else’s is theirs. You do not need them to feel or behave in any particular way.
“Personal energy,” in contrast, means being hooked in to the feelings of others. When you live your life in personal energy, you feel a pressure to remain in emotional contact with others around you. If you feel them withdraw or sense their displeasure, you become upset. Your boundaries are not clearly defined so you are easily influenced by everything that is going on around you. Your strength in the world comes more from your relationship to feelings than your relationship to thinking. How other people feel in your presence or what they feel about you is of the utmost importance.
Just think of a classroom teacher. Lettie is a teacher who lives her life in personal energies. She is warm and absolutely charming, but she must have all her pupils like her. She cannot set limits or discipline effectively. She bounces back and forth between trying to entice her pupils into obedience and trying to frighten them into obedience by shouting at them. Even when she does an excellent job teaching, she finds that if one person gets upset with her it will ruin her day. Her Critic, ever anxious, is quick to point out all her mistakes and to review them over and over again. Every once in a while, life in the classroom gets so exhausting for Lettie that she feels she simply cannot go in another day and she withdraws completely. She has been putting out too much personal energy. Since she cannot set boundaries when anyone else is present, from time to time she just takes a day off, stays in her apartment, and reads. On these days she does not even answer the phone.
Linda, in contrast, is an excellent teacher who knows how to be impersonal in the classroom. She knows that if she needs to have all her pupils like her, she will be too vulnerable and will lose control of them. She will not be able to maintain order and the material that must be taught will not get covered. She is pleasant, fair, and objective, but she has a good sense of herself and her boundaries in this situation. She cannot be manipulated. Thus her Inner Child is protected, her vulnerability is not exposed to anyone, and her Inner Critic will not attack her.
Most women have been encouraged to be personal. Part of the patriarchal heritage is the idea that women should be warm, feeling creatures with endless compassion for humanity while men are expected to be cool, detached, and rational. Thus women are often actively discouraged during their growing-up years from being too objective, detached, or self-contained. It is simply seen as unfeminine.
When you live in personal energy, you tend to become a child to those around you. You are always vulnerable to their reactions. You can imagine the power that this personal way of living gives to your Inner Critic. It becomes your Critic’s job to keep you in good emotional contact with those around you. It criticizes you if anyone is unhappy in your presence or withdrawn from you. Since you must feel close to others, your Inner Critic has a field day telling you all the things that are wrong with you that displease them.
Needless to say, when you adopt a more impersonal attitude, you have more distance and objectivity. Without becoming judgmental, you can see what is your part of an interpersonal difficulty and what belongs to the other person. When you are impersonal, you do not become desperate if others withdraw from you or judge you. You do not have to woo them back or to fight with them to reestablish some kind of emotional contact. Thus when you are impersonal and self-contained, you are less vulnerable to the whims of others. You are protecting your own vulnerability with adequate boundaries, and your Inner Critic has less need to be anxious. You are parenting it effectively by your reassuring ability to remain impersonal when necessary, thus avoiding some of the unnecessarily painful situations brought about by a more personal approach to life.
A SPIRITUAL ATTITUDE
A spiritual attitude or belief system can also help in parenting the Inner Critic. We are not talking here about a set of rules and regulations that require you to behave in a certain way. We are talking about a worldview in which you see yourself in relation to a greater whole, one that allows you to surrender to a higher power that supports you in the work of transformation.
When life becomes difficult, a spiritual attitude can be essential. It can give us a reason for living and a sense of meaning and purpose in life. This is often necessary before other kinds of psychological work can be done. There are in the world today an ever-increasing number of inspirational writers and teachers who help to initiate people into a spiritual approach to living and to spiritual states of consciousness. The entire Twelve-Step movement and the groups that follow its guidelines are built upon a spiritual foundation for transformation and growth. A multitude of books and tapes teach about spiritual awareness.
We have found that it can be particularly valuable to get in touch with an inner wisdom figure or a guide through Voice Dialogue, some form of journal writing, or the use of visual imagery. This kind of inner wisdom or spiritual voice can be very supportive and often provides a balance to the negativity of the Critic. It can help to deal with the Critic’s underlying anxiety by providing information or suggestions that aid in the parenting process.
IF YOU NEED MORE
If you find that you have followed these suggestions and your Inner Critic is too powerful for you to deal with by yourself, please consult a counselor or psychotherapist. When you work with a therapist or a counselor, be sure that this feels right for you. Do not continue to see someone you do not like. Also remember that therapy is not forever; personal growth is forever.
You might also consider one of the many support groups that are available at this time. We have found that the Twelve-Step programs can be particularly helpful in giving support for dealing with both the Inner Critic and the shame that it engenders. Again, be sure that the group is appropriate and that you feel good about it.
Lastly, do not forget the possibility of antidepressant or anti-anxiety medications when these are properly prescribed and supervised by a physician. A number of new medications are extremely effective. Although we tend to emphasize the psychological aspects of depression and anxiety, we know individuals who have seen a lifetime of suffering come to an end with the administration of these drugs. Therefore, we would like to remind you that these are available and should most definitely be considered if you find that your psychological work alone is not adequate.
At the end of this book, we have included a list of recommended readings and audiotapes that we have found valuable in our own process of personal growth. The potential list is overwhelming, so we have included only those that have had particular meaning for us.