THEY WENT TO a petting zoo the other side of Hemsthwaite. Callum had found it online and suggested that it would be the perfect place for Beatrix. She certainly seemed to be enjoying herself, Beth thought, listening to her daughter squeal with excitement when she saw the goats. Callum lifted her out of the pushchair and held her close to the fence so that she could stroke their whiskery faces, and Beth frowned. For someone who knew very little about children, Callum seemed to have struck just the right note by bringing them here.
It was an unsettling thought, especially when it made her realise how hard she had been on him lately. Maybe she did have concerns about his ability to commit to being a father, but there was no doubt that he was making a huge effort to live up to the role. She summoned a smile when he brought Beatrix over to where she was sitting, feeling guilty all of a sudden. She hated to think that she was being unfair to him.
‘She’s certainly enjoying herself. I’ve never heard her squeal like that before.’
‘The goats are obviously a big hit,’ Callum agreed, laughing when Beatrix started wriggling around, demanding to be put down. ‘Oh, off we go again. Are you all right sitting there for now? There’s llamas over there but the ground looks rather rough and I don’t want you coming a cropper.’
‘I’m fine,’ Beth assured him, trying not to read anything into the way he was treating her with such concern, but it was impossible not to do so. A rush of warmth invaded her and it took all her effort not to let him see how touched she felt. ‘I’ll sit here till you come back then maybe we can go to the café. It’s almost time for Beatrix’s lunch so we may as well have something to eat as well.’
‘Good idea.’ He set Beatrix on the ground and took firm hold of her hand. ‘Come on then, sunshine, let’s see what you make of those llamas. You won’t see many of them roaming around the Dales!’
Beth watched him lead Beatrix towards the llamas’ pen. There were a lot of families there enjoying a day out and she couldn’t help thinking how well Callum fitted in. Nobody watching him and Beatrix would guess that he had only known about his daughter for such a short time. She sighed because it would be a mistake to allow appearances to influence her. Although he seemed to be adapting to the role of doting father, she still wasn’t convinced his interest would last. And nobody, not even Callum himself, could guarantee that it would.
* * *
The café was crowded but Callum managed to find them a table outside on the terrace. He got Beth seated then fetched a highchair for Beatrix and popped her in it. ‘Right, what do you fancy?’
‘Just coffee and a sandwich is fine for me, thank you. I’ve brought Beatrix’s lunch with me. There’s a jar in the bag and it just needs warming up.’
‘I’ll do that first then,’ he said, taking the jar of baby food out of the bag. There was a flask of juice in there as well and he handed it to Beth to open, smiling when Beatrix immediately reached for it. ‘I expect she’s thirsty after all the excitement.’
‘I expect she is.’ Beth loosened the top on the flask and handed it to her daughter. She laughed when Beatrix began to gulp it down. ‘Hmm, you’re right. All that squealing has obviously built up a thirst.’
‘I could do with a coffee myself,’ Callum admitted and rolled his eyes. ‘I didn’t realise it was such thirsty work, having fun.’
He grinned at her and Beth felt her heart give a little bounce when she realised how handsome he looked when he smiled like that. Ever since Callum had come back to Beesdale they had been at loggerheads, it seemed, and there had been very little to smile about. Now she could feel her pulse racing and it was unnerving to know that he still had this effect on her. It was a relief when he went to heat up the baby food because it gave her a breathing space. Maybe she was still attracted to him but nothing would come of it. She wasn’t foolish enough to risk having him break her heart a second time.
Callum could feel his heart pounding as he paid for their lunch. He couldn’t rid himself of the memory of how Beth had looked at him. Had he made a mistake or had there been genuine awareness in her eyes just now? A shudder ran through him as he took his change from the cashier. He knew how dangerous it was to think like that. It would only lead to other thoughts, ones he couldn’t afford to harbour. It wasn’t how he felt about Beth that mattered; it wasn’t even how she felt about him. It was whether she would allow him to be Beatrix’s father that was the issue. He simply couldn’t risk alienating her by doing or saying the wrong thing.
His heart was heavy as he carried the tray outside to their table. It wasn’t going to be easy to hide his feelings but he knew it was what he needed to do. He had hurt her badly when he had left, even though he had truly believed it had been the right thing to do. However, even if he explained it all to her, would she believe him? It was obvious that she didn’t trust him and she could think that he was simply spinning her a tale. Although he longed to tell her the truth, he was afraid that he might end up making the situation worse. He sighed. It would be better not to say anything than run that risk.
‘Here we go. I’m afraid there wasn’t much choice, so it’s tuna mayo or cheese and pickle—take your pick,’ he said with forced cheerfulness as he placed the tray on the table.
‘I’ll have the cheese if you don’t mind,’ Beth replied, taking one of the cardboard cartons of sandwiches.
‘No problem.’ Callum doled out coffee and paper napkins then sat down. Beatrix had finished her lunch and was eating some strawberries now. Picking up a napkin, he wiped away a dribble of juice that was trickling down her chin. ‘There you go, poppet. All beautiful again.’ He dropped a kiss on the end of her nose and picked up his coffee, only then realising that Beth was watching him with the strangest expression on her face. ‘What’s the matter?’ he said, wondering what he had done wrong this time.
‘Nothing.’ She bit her lip but he could tell that she was holding something back and it made him more determined than ever to make her tell him.
‘Oh, come on! It’s obvious that you want to say something, so out with it. It’s not like you to pull your punches, Beth. Or not lately, at least.’
She flushed bright red. ‘If I haven’t pulled my punches then it’s because I wanted to make the situation perfectly clear to you, Callum. You came back here expecting to step into the role of Beatrix’s father, but it isn’t as simple as that.’
‘So I’ve gathered,’ he replied, tartly.
‘Good.’ She tilted her head and looked him straight in the eyes. ‘At least we’ve made some progress.’
‘You may have done but I certainly haven’t. And I won’t until you accept that I’m serious about this.’ He held up his hand when she went to interrupt. ‘No, I’ve heard it all before, Beth. You’ve made it perfectly plain that you don’t believe I’ll last the course. But you can’t prove that I’m going to jump ship any more than I can prove that I won’t.’ He laughed harshly, unable to hide his frustration.
‘I knew it wasn’t going to be easy when I came back here but I never thought you’d have such a closed mind. You’re so determined to punish me for leaving you that you don’t care about the impact it’s going to have on our daughter if you won’t allow me to be a father to her!’
The accusation cut her to the quick. Beth reeled back, appalled that Callum could even think that. Beatrix was her first and only concern...wasn’t she? The doubt rushed in before she could stop it, growing stronger by the second. Was she thinking solely about her daughter or was she also thinking about herself, about how devastated she’d been when Callum had left her? She couldn’t put her hand on her heart and swear it wasn’t true and she felt sickness well up inside her at the thought that she might be guilty of basing her decision on her own feelings rather than on Beatrix’s needs.
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’
Beth looked up, unable to hide how upset she felt. ‘Why not if it’s what you believe?’ she replied, brokenly.
‘It isn’t. Well, I suppose I do think it’s partly true. What happened between us is a huge sticking point, although I suppose it’s only to be expected.’ He sighed as he reached over the table and caught hold of her hand. ‘I know you feel that I let you down, Beth, but I did it for the very best of reasons.’
‘What reasons? You keep hinting that there was more to your decision to ask me for a divorce than the fact that you’d fallen out of love with me, so tell me what it was. You owe me that much, at least, Callum.’
She snatched her hand away, not wanting him to touch her. Her heart was pounding as she waited to hear what he had to say, even though she couldn’t imagine what it would be. It was all quite simple to her mind: if Callum had loved her, he would never have divorced her and left. So how on earth was he going to explain what he had done?
‘It wasn’t an easy decision,’ he began then stopped when another family came and sat down at the table next to theirs. There were four young boys in the group and they immediately started squabbling over a plate of giant cookies. The youngest boy grabbed one of the cookies and bit into it then suddenly toppled off his chair, clutching his throat. The two adults appeared rooted to the spot with shock, so Callum leapt to his feet. Kneeling down beside the child, he rolled him over and checked his airway, although he could see the piece of cookie lying on the floor next to him. It was obvious that the boy hadn’t swallowed it but there was no doubt that he was having difficulty breathing.
Callum turned to the couple. ‘I’m a doctor. Is he allergic to anything? He didn’t eat any of the cookie—the piece he bit off is here on the floor. I think he must be allergic to something it contains.’
‘Nuts.’ The woman suddenly seemed to rouse herself. She shot to her feet. ‘He’s my nephew, you see, and my sister keeps going on about him being allergic to nuts. I just thought she was fussing...’ She broke off and Callum sighed. However, now wasn’t the time to point out how foolish it had been to ignore the warning. The boy’s breathing was becoming even more laboured as his airway went into spasm.
‘Did your sister give you anything in case this ever happened?’ he demanded. ‘Something that looks like a pen and contains a drug you can inject him with.’
‘Yes, yes, she did! It’s in my bag.’ She grabbed hold of her bag and emptied it onto the table. ‘Help me find it, Don,’ she shouted to her husband, scrabbling through the heap.
‘There it is.’ Reaching over, Callum grasped the preloaded injection of adrenaline and plunged it into the child’s thigh, praying that it would work. His heart sank when he realised that the boy’s breathing wasn’t improving. He was obviously going to need a second shot and there was always the danger that he could arrest in the meantime.
Glancing around, he spotted the girl who worked on the till and called her over. ‘I’m a doctor and I need you to fetch my bag out of my car.’ He told her the registration number and where it was parked then handed her the keys. ‘Before you go, do you know if there’s a defibrillator on site? He’s a very sick little boy and we may need it.’
‘I think there is, but I don’t know where it’s kept,’ the girl explained. ‘I’ll get one of the others to ask the manager.’
She hurried away as Callum turned back to the child. He looked up when Beth came to join him.
‘I’ve phoned for an ambulance.’
‘Let’s hope it gets here in time,’ he said, quietly, as she knelt down beside him. ‘I don’t like the look of him at all.’
The words were barely out of his mouth when the child’s eyes suddenly rolled back and he stopped breathing. Callum bent over him, shaking his head as he checked for a pulse. ‘Nothing. We’ll have to start CPR. Apparently, there’s a defibrillator somewhere in this place but only the manager knows where it is.’
‘Not much use hiding it away,’ Beth said, tartly. ‘I’ll do the breathing if you’ll do the compressions.’
She placed her mouth over the child’s mouth and gave two sharp inflations. Callum followed them up with the necessary chest compressions. A crowd had started to gather now and they fell silent when they realised what was happening. They carried on like that for several minutes before the manager appeared carrying the portable defibrillator.
‘I keep it locked up in the office,’ the man explained importantly, placing it next to them. ‘It’d be such a shame if people started messing around with it.’
‘It’d be an even bigger shame if someone died because nobody knew where to find it,’ Callum stated, bluntly.
He and Beth carried on performing CPR while the manager set up the defibrillator. The young cashier had come back with his bag and, without him even needing to ask, Beth took over the compressions while he drew up a second shot of adrenaline. Callum plunged the needle into the child’s thigh then picked up the defibrillator paddles and applied them to the boy’s chest, sending up a silent prayer. With the ambulance taking so long to reach them, he didn’t rate the child’s chances if this didn’t work. When the boy suddenly coughed, Callum felt his heart lift in relief.
‘It’s all right,’ he said soothingly when the boy started to cry. ‘You’re going to be fine now. Just try to breathe nice and steadily for me.’
He checked the boy’s pulse again and was reassured to find that it was growing stronger by the second. He moved aside when the boy’s aunt came and knelt down beside them. Beth looked exhausted as she struggled to her feet and he helped her back to their table where Beatrix was still sitting happily in the highchair, playing with a toy.
‘I don’t want to go through anything like that again in a hurry,’ she declared, running a trembling hand over her face.
‘Me neither,’ he agreed. Performing CPR was both physically and emotionally draining and it didn’t get any easier no matter how many times you were called upon to do it.
‘I really thought we were going to lose him at one point,’ she said, her voice catching.
‘So did I.’ Callum put his arm around her, feeling more than a little choked up himself. Now that he had a child of his own, he understood just how awful it must be to lose a precious son or daughter. ‘But we didn’t, Beth, and it’s mainly thanks to you. You did a great job just now. It isn’t easy doing both the breathing and the compressions.’
She shook her head. ‘No, it was a team effort.’
‘We always did make a great team,’ Callum said without thinking. It was only when she lifted anguished eyes to his that he realised what he had said, but it was too late to take it back by then. Far too late to pretend that he hadn’t meant it either.
‘Then why did you leave me, Callum? If we were such a great team, what made you change your mind about us? I think I deserve to know the answer, don’t you?’
* * *
The ambulance arrived some thirty minutes later, by which time the little boy, Harley Mitchel, was breathing steadily and seemed none the worse for his adventures. It was obvious that his aunt and uncle were loath to spend the rest of the day at the hospital, but Callum insisted that Harley needed to be checked over. Beth had never heard him take such a tough stance before and it was a surprise, yet why should it be? Callum could be ruthless when the need arose, as she knew to her cost.
The thought sent a shiver of apprehension racing through her as they gathered up their belongings and left. Although she’d been the one to demand an explanation from him, she was no longer sure if she wanted to hear what Callum had to say. After all, what would it achieve at this point? There was no guarantee that it would make the situation any easier, although it could make it a lot worse.
For one thing, she had never even considered the idea that Callum had left her for another woman. They had both lived and worked together, so how would he have found the time for an affair? However, they had started leading separate lives after he had asked her for a divorce and she suddenly wondered if he could have met someone then. Her heart scrunched up inside her because she could imagine how devastated she was going to feel if he told that he had fallen out of love with her and in love with someone else. By the time they arrived back at the cottage, she was beginning to wish that she had never started this conversation.
‘Shall I take Beatrix straight upstairs and bath her?’ Callum asked as he carried the little girl inside. He grimaced. ‘She’s completely worn out after all the excitement today.’
‘Please. She can have an early night,’ Beth said, struggling to stay calm. Although the idea of Callum loving another woman was terrifying, she would have to deal with it if it turned out to be true. However, there was no denying that it could have a huge bearing on what happened in the future. If he was in love with someone else, and thinking about marrying her, then she needed to know.
It was hard not to panic at the thought of some other woman being added to the equation. She tried to push the thought to the back of her mind as she went into the kitchen to make Beatrix’s tea but it was impossible. Even if Callum wasn’t involved with anyone at the moment, it could happen in the future.
How did she feel about Beatrix having another family, a stepmother and possibly even half-siblings? What if Beatrix found herself pushed to one side? One heard about such things and it could very well happen. By the time Callum came back downstairs with Beatrix, Beth had worked herself up into a real state. No way was her daughter going to be made to feel that she was second best.
Callum made a pot of coffee while Beth helped Beatrix eat her tea. By tacit consent, neither of them mentioned the subject uppermost in their minds. Beatrix’s eyelids were drooping by the time she had finished the last fish finger and Beth sighed.
‘I think we’ll skip dessert tonight. She’s too tired to bother eating it from the look of her.’
‘I’ll take her up and put her in her cot,’ Callum said gruffly.
Beth shivered when she heard the strain in his voice. Was he thinking about their forthcoming conversation? she wondered, sickly. Feeling nervous about what he had to tell her? She knew it was true and it simply intensified her fears. Maybe it was foolish, but it was going to hurt unbearably if he had found someone else.
‘I think you’d better.’
Beth dropped a kiss on her daughter’s head, feeling all the love welling up inside her. Finding out that she was pregnant after Callum had left had been a huge shock. After everything they had been through to have a baby, it had seemed incredible that it should have happened like that. However, even if Callum had met somebody else, she didn’t regret having Beatrix. She was her own little miracle, the child Beth had given up any hope of having.
No matter how painful this situation turned out to be, she was incredibly lucky to have her and she would keep that in mind. When Callum came back downstairs, she turned to face him because there was no point putting it off any longer.
‘So, why did you really leave me, Callum? I think it’s time you told me the truth.’
Callum picked up the coffee pot even though the last thing he wanted was anything to drink. It was merely a delaying tactic to give him time to work out what he should say. He sighed when it struck him that they had gone way beyond that point now. It was obvious that Beth was determined to get to the bottom of this mystery and no amount of carefully chosen words were going to help.
‘Because I thought it was the best thing to do,’ he said flatly, putting the pot back on the table. ‘Things had become so fraught that I was afraid you could no longer cope.’
‘Fraught,’ Beth echoed, staring at him. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Of course you do!’ he said hotly, then took a deep breath, knowing that he had to explain his reasons calmly and rationally. Getting upset certainly wouldn’t help to convince her that he had done the right thing—the only thing possible in the circumstances.
His tone was gentler when he continued, his emotions held strictly in check. ‘Getting pregnant had become, well, an obsession for you—you couldn’t think about anything else. I was afraid that you wouldn’t be able to handle it if it turned out that we could never have a child and that’s why I left. With me off the scene, you’d have to stop and think about what you were doing.
‘However, if I stayed, we’d be forever trapped on the merry-go-round, forever trying to have the child you longed for. I did it for you, Beth. I did it because I loved you and couldn’t bear to watch you ruining your life any more.’
‘And you really expect me to believe that?’ She laughed harshly, twin spots of colour burning in her cheeks. ‘You left because you loved me and you wanted to save my sanity?’
‘I didn’t say that,’ he began, his heart sinking because this wasn’t going at all well.
‘Not in so many words, but it’s what you meant, Callum. I was obsessed with having a child and you thought I wouldn’t be able to cope if it didn’t happen. No wonder you wanted out. I mean, it wasn’t as though you were ever that keen for us to have a baby. Oh, you went along with it but it was more to please me than out of any real desire on your part.’ She smiled thinly. ‘I can understand why you chose to leave when the going got tough.’
‘That’s not true!’ How on earth was he going to convince her that she was wrong? he wondered desperately. He had left for her sake and not because he had grown tired of the situation.
‘Oh, but I think it is true. You’d had enough and you wanted out. The fact that I got pregnant that last night we slept together is incidental. It certainly doesn’t mean that you’ve changed. You would do the same thing all over again if it suited you.’
‘You’re wrong, completely wrong. I left for your sake, Beth, not mine, and that’s the truth.’ He took a deep breath, trying to clamp down on his emotions so that he could convince her. ‘If I’d had any idea that you would find yourself pregnant after we slept together that night then I would never have left.’
‘I’m sure you wouldn’t. You’d have done your duty, wouldn’t you, Callum, and stayed? Or at least stayed until the joys of fatherhood started to pall.’
‘That would never have happened,’ he declared. ‘I would never have left you to bring up our child on your own.’
‘No?’ She shrugged. ‘I suppose we’ll never know now, will we? I can’t prove that you would have left and you can’t prove that you would have stayed. However, it does make me see what a risk it would be to ever rely on you again.’
‘What do you mean?’ he asked, his stomach churning because he had already guessed what she was about to say.
‘That allowing you to be part of Beatrix’s life is far too dangerous. To be blunt, I don’t trust you, Callum, and nothing you’ve told me tonight has made me change my mind.’
Her voice caught on a sob as emotion suddenly got the better of her and Callum felt a huge great wave of guilt wash over him. He couldn’t bear to witness her anguish and know that he was responsible for it. He got up, crouching down in front of her chair. Beth was hurting and all he wanted at that moment was to comfort her.
‘Every word I said was true, Beth. I left because I honestly thought it was the best thing to do.’ He captured her hands, overwhelmed by tenderness when he realised how small and fragile they felt in his. Everything he had done had been for one reason: to protect her.
His voice was rough when he continued but it was impossible to pretend that he didn’t feel anything when he felt so much. ‘If I’d had any idea that you were pregnant then I would never have left. I’d have stayed and looked after you, you and our baby.’
‘Out of duty,’ she repeated brokenly, her eyes welling with tears.
‘No. Not out of duty. Because I wanted to.’ He drew her into his arms because he simply couldn’t see her suffering like this and not do anything about it. Her body felt stiff at first, resisting his attempts to comfort her, and he smiled sadly. Beth could be stubborn at times but there again so could he. Maybe that was why they had been such a perfect match.
The thought seemed to unlock the final barrier as memories of their past life together came flooding back. Although he had been out with a lot of women over the years, he had never felt for them what he had felt for Beth. Marriage had never been high on his agenda but when he’d met her, he had realised that it was what he wanted more than anything. Knowing that Beth was his and that he was hers had felt like a dream come true.
For the first time in his life, he had felt that he had belonged. And then Beth had told him that what she wanted more than anything was for them to have a child and everything had changed.
Sadness welled up inside him as he recalled her heartache when she had failed to conceive and he drew her closer, wanting in some way to make up for what she had suffered. Her body felt so tense as it rested against his, every muscle taut, and his heart ached all the more.
Beth didn’t deserve this! She didn’t deserve to suffer any more after what she had been through. He ran his hand down her back in an attempt to comfort her, following the rigid line of her spine. When he felt a tremor pass through her, he froze, expecting at any moment that she would push him away. He wasn’t prepared when all of a sudden she relaxed against him.
Callum’s breath caught when he felt her breasts brushing enticingly against his chest. His hand was shaking as it moved on, feeling the tension seep out of her with each gentle stroke of his fingers. When he reached her waist and paused, she looked up, her eyes holding his in a look that shocked him to the core. Far from wanting him to stop, he could tell she wanted him to continue!
Callum could feel the blood pounding through his veins as his hand slid over the rounded curve of her bottom. Beth didn’t say a word but he could feel her nestling against him and the thought that she welcomed his touch was just too much. Bending, he took her mouth in a searing kiss. Her lips felt cool at first but he could feel the heat building beneath the chill, and groaned.
The rational part of his mind knew that he should stop what was happening. Beth was upset and she wasn’t thinking clearly, but how could he stop when it was what he wanted so desperately? His tongue traced the outline of her lips and he shuddered when he felt them part for him. He hadn’t kissed another woman since they had met and now he understood why. He only wanted Beth: no other woman would do.
The thought filled his head as his tongue mated with hers. When he drew her down onto the rug, she didn’t protest. Callum ran his hands down her body, relearning its shape and feel. She was thinner than she had been, although her breasts were fuller, filling his palms when he cupped them in his hands. Undoubtedly, it was the result of giving birth to their daughter and he loved the thought that such a momentous event had caused these changes.
Bending, he drew her nipple into his mouth, lavishing it with love through her cotton blouse, wishing with all his heart that he had been here to watch her nurse their daughter. He had missed so much that was precious, missed making so many wonderful memories. Now all he could do was pray that he wouldn’t miss any more.
A chill ran through him at the thought that nothing was guaranteed but even that couldn’t dampen his ardour. His body was throbbing for release, but he didn’t intend to rush things. He ran his hands down her body again, caressing the sweet, lush curves, before turning his attention to the buttons down the front of her blouse. Surprisingly he managed to undo them without any difficulty and he raised surprised eyes to hers.
‘I must be getting better at this,’ he said, ruefully, parting the blouse so he could drop a kiss on the warm curve of her breast. ‘Buttons were never my forte.’
‘It must be all the practice you’ve had,’ she said flatly, and he frowned because that wasn’t what he had meant to imply.
‘Nope. I can honestly say that I haven’t had any practice at all.’ He waggled his fingers, opting to make a joke out of it as it made him feel incredibly vulnerable to admit that he hadn’t slept with anyone else since they had parted. ‘I must have discovered a natural talent somehow or other.’
‘Oh.’
An expression of relief crossed her face before she reached up and drew his head down, but Callum had seen it and his heart swelled with joy. Beth was pleased that he hadn’t slept with anyone else and it could only mean that she still cared about him. The thought filled his head as he stripped off her blouse and tossed it aside. The plain white bra she was wearing underneath was soon dispensed with as well, along with the rest of her clothes. Callum could feel his heart racing as he stared down at her naked body.
‘You’re so beautiful,’ he whispered, hoarsely. ‘So very, very beautiful.’
Beth didn’t say a word as she waited for him to remove his clothes but her eyes never left him. Callum could feel her watching him as he dragged his sweater over his head, and shuddered. It was incredibly erotic to know that she enjoyed looking at him, that she wanted him.
He was trembling when he lay down beside her and drew her into his arms, letting her feel just how much he wanted her too. When he ran his hand down her body, seeking out the source of her heat, she shuddered, her breathing turning rapid and shallow as he caressed her. Callum continued to stroke her, his own passion rising until he couldn’t hold back any longer. He slid into her with one smooth powerful thrust, felt her tighten around him, and gasped. All of a sudden nothing mattered but this—he and Beth, and the magic they were creating together.