IT WAS ALMOST midnight when Beth awoke. At some point they had moved upstairs to the bedroom and moonlight was streaming in through the open window. She lay quite still for a moment, savouring the unfamiliar feeling of peace that filled her. What had changed? Was she now willing to believe Callum? To trust him? To accept him as part of her and Beatrix’s lives?
‘Penny for them. Or are they worth a lot more than that?’
Beth felt her breath catch when Callum spoke. Rolling onto her side, she let her eyes drink in the familiar planes of his face. He had changed very little in the past year, she realised. Oh, there were a few more lines around his eyes, even a touch of silver at his temples, but he was still the most handsome man she had ever seen. Although she’d had a couple of relationships before they had met, she had never felt such desire for anyone else.
Was that why she had made love with him tonight, because she’d needed the fulfilment that only Callum could give her? All of a sudden the doubts came flooding back. Was she in danger of allowing desire to cloud her judgement?
‘Beth? What is it? Tell me.’
Reaching out he touched her cheek, and she flinched. The thought that she had made a mistake made her feel sick. Maybe their lovemaking had been wonderful but it hadn’t changed anything—not really. Callum was still the same person he had always been, the man who had run out on her. Maybe he had claimed that he had left to protect her, left because he had cared so much about her, but did she believe him? Could she be sure that he wouldn’t do the same thing again?
‘Nothing.’ Beth tossed back the quilt and stood up. Picking up her dressing gown, she dragged it on, uncomfortable now with her nakedness when it just seemed to prove what a fool she had been.
‘So that’s it, is it?’ He laughed shortly as he stood up. ‘It’s a bit late for second thoughts. You and I made love and there’s no way that you can pretend it wasn’t what you wanted, either.’
‘I wasn’t going to!’ she retorted, hating to hear the mockery in his voice, especially when she knew that she deserved it. Callum would have stopped any time she had asked him to, but she hadn’t wanted him to stop, had she? Colour flooded her face at the thought, but she refused to justify herself by lying. ‘I’m as much to blame for what happened tonight as you are, Callum, but we both know it was a mistake. You and I are history and there’s no way that we’re going to get back together.’
‘So tonight was what exactly? Some kind of nod to the past?’
‘I doubt it. Let’s face it, there’s not a lot about the past that either of us would want to remember.’ She shrugged, aiming for a nonchalance she wished she felt. ‘No, it was nothing more than a combination of circumstances. I was upset, you tried to comfort me, and one thing led to another. We’re both adults, Callum. We both know that these things happen. It’s nothing to get worked up about.’
‘I’m glad you can be so reasonable about it,’ he said flatly, pulling his sweater over his head. ‘Just so long as it doesn’t have a knock-on effect.’
‘What do you mean by that?’ Beth asked, frowning.
‘That you don’t use what happened tonight to stop me seeing Beatrix.’ He looked her straight in the eyes. ‘As you just pointed out, we’re both adults and this shouldn’t have any bearing on my being allowed to see her.’
‘I...um...no, of course not,’ Beth murmured, her heart sinking at the thought of being put on the spot this way. If she refused him access then he would think that it was because of what had happened tonight, and she didn’t want that hanging over her. She wanted to forget what they had done and not be constantly reminded about it. ‘You can see Beatrix whenever you want, although I don’t think you need to stay here any longer now that my ankle is so much better.’
‘Of course not.’ Callum slipped on his shoes, his expression impossible to read in the moonlight. ‘In that case, I’ll sleep at the flat tonight, if that’s all right with you. I’m sure we could both do with a bit of breathing space.’
‘It’s fine,’ Beth assured him, although the thought of him moving out of the cottage was upsetting for some reason. She forced herself to focus on practicalities as it seemed safer than looking for explanations. After all, Callum had never planned to stay here on a permanent basis and she wouldn’t have wanted him to, either. ‘What about your clothes and everything?’
‘I’ll collect them tomorrow. It’s a bit late to start packing at this time of the night.’
‘Of course.’ Beth followed him out to the landing, knowing that she should say something. ‘I appreciate everything you’ve done for us recently. Thank you.’
He gave a little shrug. ‘I was happy to help, Beth. After all, Beatrix is my daughter too.’
He didn’t say anything else as he ran down the stairs and a moment later Beth heard the front door open and close again. She bit her lip as she went back into the bedroom and stared at the rumpled sheets. She could think of a dozen different reasons why she had made love with Callum tonight but in her heart she knew that only one of them was true: she had wanted him. Tears filled her eyes because now she would have to get used to being without him all over again.
* * *
Callum did his best but it was impossible to blot out the memory of that night. What made it worse was that Beth had now returned to work. With Sandra back as well, it meant that Beth was working at The Larches and it was pure torture to have to see her each day. If she had left him with even the tiniest shred of hope that their lovemaking had meant anything to her then it might have made it easier, but he didn’t even have that consolation. Beth had made it perfectly clear how she felt about what had happened.
He threw himself into his work in the hope that it would help if he kept busy. The outbreak of chickenpox had spread throughout the area and the surgery was busier than ever. It was the start of the new school year and almost half the pupils were absent as so many had gone down with the virus. They were inundated with phone calls from anxious parents and, in the end, he put together an information file, explaining the symptoms and how best to treat them, and posted it on the surgery’s website. It helped a bit but there were still far more people than usual requesting home visits.
They took it in turns to go out on calls and he had to admit that he welcomed the opportunity to escape from the surgery. Although Beth was unfailingly polite whenever they needed to speak, there was a definite atmosphere when they were together. Callum knew that the others had noticed it too, but, mercifully, nobody asked him what was going on. Quite frankly, he would have been hard-pressed to come up with an explanation that he wanted to share.
He was on his way to a couple of calls when Marie popped her head round his door. ‘There’s someone on the phone who wants to speak to you urgently,’ she explained. ‘I didn’t catch his name because the line’s terrible—that’s why I didn’t want to risk transferring the call to you. He did say that he was from the agency, though, if that’s any help.’
‘Really?’ Callum exclaimed, following her back to the reception desk. He picked up the phone, wincing when he was greeted by an ear-splitting series of crackles. ‘I see what you mean,’ he began then stopped when someone spoke at the other end. It was a colleague from Worlds Together, the aid agency he had worked for, and his heart sank when he discovered what the other man wanted. Apparently, one of their key workers had been taken ill and they desperately needed someone experienced to take charge of their next mission: would Callum do it?
Callum hung up a few minutes later in a real quandary. Heaven only knew what Beth would say if he went flying out to Africa, even if it was only for a couple of weeks. However, if he refused to go then the trip would have to be called off and that would cause a major disruption, not to mention the loss of a great deal of money. He groaned. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place!
* * *
‘So how are you, Diane? Although I don’t think I really need to ask you that. You’re positively blooming.’
Beth drummed up a laugh as Diane Applethwaite sat down in front of her desk. It was the monthly antenatal clinic and Diane was her last patient that afternoon. Normally, Beth enjoyed seeing the new mums but she was finding it hard to concentrate that day and it was all down to Callum. She had bumped into him as he was on his way out to do some home visits and he had asked her if he could have a word with her when he got back. She had no idea what it was about, but, knowing what had happened the last time they had had a serious conversation, it was little wonder that her internal alarm bells were ringing like mad.
‘I feel marvellous, but then I always do when I’m pregnant,’ Diane assured her. ‘That’s probably why Phil and I had so many children, although this little one has come as a complete surprise.’
‘So how did your husband take the news?’ Beth asked, trying not to think about that night. So she and Callum had made love—so what? As she had told him at the time, they were both adults and it was nothing to get worked up about. She sighed as she unravelled the sphygmomanometer cuff so she could check Diane’s blood pressure, wishing that she actually believed that. ‘Was he pleased?’
‘Once he got over the shock, he was.’ Diane laughed. ‘I don’t expect Phil thought we’d have another one at our age but, as I pointed out to him, we didn’t do anything to stop it.’
Beth managed to smile but there was a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach all of a sudden. She and Callum hadn’t taken precautions the other night either, so was it possible that she might be pregnant? It was hard to hide her dismay as she finished the examination and saw Diane out. Polly had been talking to one of her new mums, working out a birthing plan with her, and she looked up when she saw Diane leaving.
‘Is that it then? I think Diane was our last patient.’
‘I...er...yes, she was.’ Beth went back into her room and sank down on the chair, afraid that her legs were about to give way. Although she had always wanted more than one child, how did she feel about having another baby in these circumstances? More importantly, how would Callum feel about it?
‘Are you all right? You look awfully pale, Beth. Shall I fetch you a drink of water?’ Polly offered in concern as she followed her into the room.
‘I don’t think water’s going to help,’ Beth muttered, closing her eyes in despair. How could she have been so stupid not to have thought about the risk before now? She could have done something about it if she had, taken the morning-after pill and made sure that she wouldn’t get pregnant again by accident as she had done with Beatrix. Now it was far too late for that.
‘Is it Callum?’ Polly asked quietly. She sighed when Beth nodded. ‘I thought you two were getting along all right these days, so what’s he done now?’
‘It’s not what he’s done—it’s what we’ve both done.’ Beth shook her head. ‘I can’t believe we were so stupid!’
‘Tell me to mind my own business if you want, Beth, but if there’s anything I can do to help then just say so.’
‘There’s nothing anyone can do,’ Beth replied brokenly. She bit her lip but the need to tell someone was too strong to resist. ‘Callum and I...well, we slept together a few weeks ago.’
‘You did? But that’s good, surely? Especially if it means you’re thinking about getting back together,’ Polly declared.
‘We’re not. It was a mistake and it should never have happened.’ Beth put her head in her hands and groaned. ‘The thing is that we didn’t take any precautions and now I don’t know if I might be pregnant.’
‘Oh. I can see how awkward that would be,’ Polly said, sitting down. ‘Have you done a test yet?’
‘No. I’ve only just thought about it,’ Beth admitted. ‘I can’t believe I was so stupid!’
‘There’s no point beating yourself up,’ Polly said firmly. ‘You need to find out if you’re pregnant first and then decide what you’re going to do about it.’
‘I don’t think I could go through with a termination.’ Beth felt tears well to her eyes. ‘After everything we went through to have a child, I really couldn’t do that.’
‘That’s something only you can decide, Beth.’ Polly stood up. ‘I’ll go and get a pregnancy testing kit from the pharmacy.’ She shook her head when Beth went to speak. ‘Don’t worry—I’ll tell them it’s for one of my mums. Nobody needs to know anything until you’re sure what’s happening.’
Polly hurried from the room, leaving Beth in the throes of despair. The thought that even now there might be a new life growing inside her should have filled her with joy but all she could think about was how Callum would react. While there was no doubt that he loved Beatrix, it that didn’t mean he would welcome another child into his life, especially when there was no chance of them getting back together.
‘Beth? Am I disturbing you? Only I need to have a word with you.’
Beth’s head shot up in panic when she heard Callum’s voice. ‘I’m just waiting for Polly,’ she said quickly, using the first excuse that sprang to mind. The last thing she needed at this moment was to have to talk to him.
‘That’s all right. It won’t take long.’ He came into the room and she felt her nerves tighten even more when she saw how serious he looked. She had a feeling that she wasn’t going to like what he had to say, but before she could attempt to prepare herself, he carried on.
‘There’s no point me beating about the bush. The agency phoned today. They’re sending a team out to Africa tomorrow but the team leader has been taken ill and is unable to go. It will cause chaos if they have to call it off at this late stage, not to mention the fact that a great deal of money will be lost if they have to re-book the flights.’ He shrugged. ‘Basically, I’ve agreed to go along.’
Callum could tell that the news hadn’t gone down well but it was no more than he had expected. Beth had made no bones about her doubts as to his commitment to Beatrix and to his new life here, and this must confirm all her fears. He opened his mouth to explain that he would only be away for a couple of weeks but just as that moment Polly appeared.
‘Oh, sorry! I didn’t know you were here, Callum.’
She started to back out of the room but Callum beckoned her to come in. Quite frankly, he was sick and tired of being seen as the bad guy all the time: Mr Unreliable. If Beth wasn’t convinced by now that he was serious about sticking around then she never would be.
‘Don’t leave on my account,’ he said flatly, avoiding Beth’s eyes. He didn’t need to see the contempt they held to know it was there and the thought was so bitter that he had to wait a beat before he could continue. ‘I’ve said what I came to say and that’s it. I’ll see you when I get back, Beth.’
He swung round, holding himself rigid as he made his way to his room. The urge to go back and beg her to understand that he’d had no choice in the matter was overwhelming, but he mustn’t do it. Beth had to trust him. She had to know in her own heart that he would never let Beatrix down. He couldn’t force her to feel that way: it had to come from inside her. And if it never happened then there was nothing he could do about it.
The thought that she might always doubt him hurt like hell but he knew that he had to accept it, somehow. He had already spoken to Daniel and received his blessing, so once he had handed Marie his notes, he left the surgery and went up to the flat. It didn’t take him long to pack. He’d done it so many times before that he knew exactly what to take. Anyway, it wasn’t what he was taking with him that mattered this time, but what he was leaving behind.
Callum took a deep breath, struggling to control the agony he felt. He was going to miss Beatrix so much while he was away and he was going to miss Beth too. Even if she didn’t believe in him, she was the woman he loved with all his heart and it was going to be pure torture to be without her.
* * *
The test proved negative. Beth was overwhelmed with relief when she realised that she wasn’t pregnant after all. After Callum’s announcement, having another baby would have been a complete disaster. She told Polly the good news, cutting short her friend’s attempts to talk about Callum’s forthcoming absence. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing to talk about. Callum was simply behaving true to form.
The thought weighed heavily on her as she cleared up. It was her early finish so once she had collected Beatrix, she went straight home and set about the nightly routine. It was after seven before she allowed herself to think about what Callum had told her and her heart started to ache with a mixture of pain and disappointment. Even though she’d had her doubts all along about his commitment, it was still hard to face up to the fact that he had chosen his old life over their daughter.
It made her see that it would be a huge mistake to continue allowing him to have access to Beatrix. It was bad enough that he was leaving her now, but how much worse would it be the next time, when Beatrix was older and more aware of what was happening?
The thought of her daughter’s confusion was more than Beth could bear. She knew only too well how it felt to be abandoned by the person you loved and she refused to let her daughter go through that kind of heartache. Once Callum came back then she would make it clear that he wasn’t welcome any longer. Hopefully, he would have the sense to leave Beesdale for good then, and not put them through any more stress. Pain shot through her at the thought of never seeing him again, but she knew it was what she needed to do. It was better to put an end to it now than run the risk of Beatrix getting hurt even more in the future.
* * *
Callum couldn’t sleep. He kept going over what he had said to Beth or, rather, what he hadn’t said. Why in heaven’s name hadn’t he explained that he would only be away for a couple of weeks and that once the agency found someone else to take over, he would return to England? Why hadn’t he reassured her that once he came back, he wouldn’t go away again? He had already made it clear to the agency that this would be his last assignment but he had been too damned stubborn to explain all that to Beth. Too stubborn or just too proud!
He got up, pacing the floor as he tried to decide what to do. Should he go to see her and explain it all to her now? But would she listen to him? That was the question? He sighed wearily because he doubted it. Beth had made up her mind about him from the moment he had come back to Beesdale and he would be a fool to imagine that she was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. He had left her: ergo he would leave their daughter too.
It was painful to have to face it, but what was even more upsetting was the fact that he had thought he was making some progress. Even after they had made love that night, she had allowed him to carry on seeing Beatrix, but would she let him see their daughter when he got back from this trip? He didn’t think so! He would be right back to square one, and this time it would be even harder to convince her to trust him. The thought made up his mind. He had to make Beth understand why he had agreed to go.
Callum dragged on his clothes and left the flat. It was after midnight and there was no traffic about as he drove to the cottage. He drew up outside, feeling his nerves jangling when he saw that the sitting room light was on. Was Beth still up, thinking about what had happened, about the way he had seemingly confirmed all her worst fears? He knew it was true and the thought of how difficult it was going to be to make her understand why he was doing this made him feel sick. He got out of the car and knocked on the door, feeling his heart start to race when she opened it.
‘I wanted to explain,’ he said softly, wishing she would say something rather than stand there, staring at him.
‘What is there to explain?’ She smiled thinly and he winced when he saw the contempt in her eyes. ‘The lure of the job proved too much to resist. It must be far more exciting working overseas than working here.’
‘You’re completely wrong.’ Callum took a deep breath to damp down the anger that shot through him at the knowledge that she thought he was so fickle. ‘I only agreed to go because they were desperate for someone to take charge. I told you, if I don’t go then the trip will have to be called off and that will cost the agency a great deal of money they can’t afford to lose. It’s only for two weeks and then I’ll be back.’
‘So it’s Dr O’Neill to the rescue?’ Her laughter echoed with scorn. ‘How wonderful it must be to know that you’re such a hero.’
‘I’m not a hero,’ he said through gritted teeth. ‘I am merely doing what I think is right.’
‘And you’re very good at that, aren’t you, Callum?’
‘Meaning?’
‘Meaning that you’re very good at doing what’s right.’ She shrugged when he didn’t reply. ‘You left me because you thought it was the right thing to do, and now you’re going on this assignment.’ She gave a harsh little laugh. ‘Not many people are as sure as you that they’re doing the right thing. I know I’m not.’
‘I can’t believe that.’ It was his turn to laugh now, although there was a hollow feeling in his stomach. Nothing he said was going to persuade her to trust him. ‘You seem pretty sure about me, Beth. In fact, you don’t appear to have any doubts at all that you might be wrong about me.’
‘You haven’t given me any reason to,’ she shot back.
‘No? So you don’t believe that I love Beatrix and want only what’s best for her?’ He carried on when she didn’t answer. ‘Don’t let your feelings about what happened between us blind you to the truth. I love our daughter and I would never hurt her. I think you know that, only you’re too afraid to admit it.’
There was nothing else he could think of to say. Callum drove back to the flat and fetched his bag then went out to the car. It was far too early to catch his train so he would drive down to London instead. It would be better than lying in bed, thinking about Beth and what else he should and shouldn’t have said. It was down to her now, although if she thought she could use this trip to cut him out of Beatrix’s life then she was mistaken.
His mouth thinned. He was going to be a proper father to his daughter—with or without Beth’s blessing!