Excitement surged through Zac’s bloodstream. He had been longing to find someone to do the questions with. But with his solitary existence, there hadn’t been many options. He knew deep down it was probably a bad idea, and he’d been advised to distance himself from April for the past two weeks, but today, on this day that marked remembrance, he wanted to remember other things too. What it felt like to look into someone’s eyes for longer than a simple glance. To talk openly for hours. To be heard, noticed, understood. What it felt like to tell someone else about your life, your journey, your dreams. And to listen to theirs and see that spark in their eyes, that light that reminded him he wasn’t the only one trying to move forward in life and find meaning with his existence.
And dammit, he wanted to know her. Really know her. Maybe he had moved next door to her for a reason. The universe could have planted him there on purpose and he had to discover why. Or maybe it was a test, a challenge, to see how strong he really was. To see if he could resist knowing her, discovering her, wanting her.
Either way, tonight he was going to do what he damn well wanted. And the fact that the questions were structured and systematic gave him some kind of control. Unlike random conversation that went in multiple directions and could be more dangerous, this conversation would have a beginning, a middle, and an end. He just had to follow the process, and then it’d be done. He’d know April a little more, she’d know him, and he could finally feel those things he’d wanted to feel again. If only for a little while. Then he could get back to his plan.
‘Here you go.’ He handed April a bowl, then grabbed a plate of cheese and crackers from the kitchen and placed them on the small coffee table.
‘Looks nice. Do I have to name this too?’
‘No. It’s organic coconut ice-cream, and those bright coloured things on top are raspberries and blueberries.’
‘Oh really? I was wondering what on earth they could be,’ she said with a sarcastic tone.
She dug her spoon in and Zac couldn’t help but watch her lips envelop the spoon to devour the dessert. They were pink and plump, and when she smiled they reminded him of a bow, like one you’d find on a gift.
He sat on the couch, next to her, but not too close, at right angles with one knee casually bent.
‘So where are these questions?’ she asked.
Zac got out his phone. ‘I’ll look them up.’ He found the article mentioning the research of Dr Arthur Aron and others who had developed the experiment. ‘So we take turns to read out and answer each question, until we’ve done all thirty-six.’
‘Sounds easy enough.’ April cleared her throat. Zac wasn’t buying it. She was apprehensive. ‘Do we have to be one hundred percent honest?’
‘That’s the idea,’ he said. ‘And I’ll know if you’re lying, remember?’ He smiled. ‘But that doesn’t mean you have to give absolutely everything away. You can be honest but still keep secrets.’ He was telling himself as much as her. Though there were things he wanted to share, to take the burden off his mind, there were things, well, one thing in particular, that he wasn’t sure should come out into the open just yet. If ever.
‘Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Question one?’ She clasped her hands together across her right knee.
Zac cleared his throat. ‘Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?’
‘Will you be offended if I don’t say you?’ She laughed.
‘Nope, because I’m not saying you either.’
‘Great, glad we’ve got that sorted!’
‘Right. So who would you choose?’ Zac asked.
‘Um …’ April looked up at the ceiling. Then her gaze dropped, as though the answer had fallen in front of her, but she dismissed it with a wave of her hand. ‘Oh, this is too hard.’
‘We’re only at question one and you’re giving up?’
‘No, I’m just saying it’s too hard.’
‘Watch what you say, your thoughts and words become your reality, you know.’
‘They do? Okay, I’d love a million bucks and a holiday to Europe.’
Zac shook his head with a chuckle. ‘I can see we’re going to be here all night.’ Question one and they were already getting off topic. He was going to have to pull the reigns. ‘Did you know we’re only supposed to spend a short amount of time on each question?’
‘Oh. Okay. Sorry. Right, my answer is …’ She drummed her fingers on her knee.
‘I’m waiting.’
‘Geez, impatient pain in the arse you are.’
‘I do my best.’ Zac shrugged. Then he leaned a little closer. ‘You already thought of someone, didn’t you? But you didn’t want to say.’
April’s eyes widened. ‘Mind reader. They must teach you well in the army.’
‘Nah, it’s all in the body language. I read lots of books remember?’
She sighed. ‘Alright then, I did think of someone, but it’s a silly answer.’
‘No judgement here, just say it.’ He relaxed his posture deliberately to help her feel comfortable.
‘I instinctively thought of my ex-fiancé, Kyle. There.’
‘Oh?’ Zac had been expecting her to say some B-grade celebrity. But this surprised him.
‘Not that I’d be able to have dinner with him, and not that he’d be in a position to be a dinner guest, because of the … anyway, it’s more that I never really got to say the things I wanted to say to him. When I said goodbye. I just basically cried and was a blubbering mess. Wasn’t pretty.’ She scratched the back of her neck and looked away.
His heart ached for her and what she must have gone through—losing her leg and then her fiancé, though intrigue surfaced at what her other answers would reveal. He had the feeling there was a whole lot more beneath her assertive, honest, outgoing personality. ‘What would you say to him? If you could.’
She looked up, her chest rising tightly, as though she’d thought her answer was over and done with and they could move on. ‘That’s a bit personal.’
‘Yeah, but maybe it’ll help if you get it out in the open.’
She scoffed. ‘But he won’t hear any of it.’
‘I’ll hear it. And you’ll get it out of your head. It’ll feel better.’
She eyed him with caution, and Zac knew she was trying to determine how much she could trust him with her personal thoughts and feelings. ‘Look, all I’d say is that even though he ended up a quadriplegic, I still would have followed through with my promise to be his wife. I would have supported him. Somehow. I would have stuck with him.’
Zac nodded slowly. ‘I’m sure he knows that, even without you telling him.’
‘But it’s like I didn’t get to express it properly, and I didn’t get to talk to him about the things we’d been through together, the times we’d shared, thank him for the memories. It was like our life was in some alternate reality or was just a dream, and the accident woke us up.’
Zac processed her words, his gaze running over her face with its rounded cheekbones, and the furrows between her eyebrows that deepened when she spoke of things that upset her.
‘Anyway, your turn,’ she said, exhaling a whoosh of air.
‘Write him a letter.’
‘Huh?’
‘Kyle. Write him a letter. Get it all out, once and for all. So you can move on.’
‘After all this time? It seems silly. And I don’t want to bring up the past for him when he’s probably just getting used to his new way of life.’
‘Then don’t send it.’
‘What? What’s the point then?’
He shifted his position on the couch, draping his arm over the back of it. ‘The point is it’ll help you. Free up your mind and heart for other things.’ Like … him? Was he unknowingly trying to help her move on so she would consider him an option? It was crazy, and he should stop it right now. He was in no way ready for anything with anyone, and would in no way surrender to the possibility. Thirty-six questions, deepen their friendship, enjoy some interesting adult conversation for once, and that was it.
Her eyes went distant for a moment. ‘I’ll think about it.’
‘Good. Okay, my turn.’ He rubbed his hands together. ‘Who would I have for a dinner guest, hmmm.’
‘The Dalai Lama?’
He smiled. ‘Don’t give me ideas, let me think for myself.’
She made a show of zipping her mouth shut.
‘Megan Fox.’
April looked at him with eyebrows raised in disbelief. ‘Seriously?’
‘Why not?’ He chuckled. ‘Okay, I’ll choose again. My mother. My real mother. I’ve never met her.’
‘For real? So you’re adopted?’
Oh, how he’d longed to be, in the past. But no one ever made that commitment to him. He shook his head. ‘Grew up in foster care, had a few different families. My mate Johnny,’ he cocked his head towards the mantle, ‘he got lucky, found two awesome parents after we both stayed in the same foster family for a while.’
But his friend’s luck hadn’t lasted.
‘So that’s how you met him?’
‘Yep. His new parents made sure we kept in contact and hung out over the years, which was great. I used to wish they’d take me in too, but they only wanted one apparently.’ Or they simply hadn’t wanted him. ‘So I guess I’d ask my mother lots of questions and just kind of hang out, to see what it would be like.’
Would she be like him? Had he inherited some of her traits? Had she somehow impacted on the person he was now?
April nodded. ‘Maybe you’ll get to do that one day.’
‘Maybe. But it’s probably best to leave things be.’
‘Or you could write her a letter. With all your questions.’
Zac picked up a cracker and topped it with cheese. ‘Good advice. How’d you come up with that?’
‘Heard it somewhere.’ She waved her hand around.
After they’d answered questions about whether they’d like to be famous, if they rehearsed telephone calls, and what would constitute a perfect day, Zac asked April question number five: ‘When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?’
April swallowed stiffly. ‘I don’t sing.’
‘Surely you’ve sung at some point. In the shower, while doing housework, at work?’ Zac sang to himself all the time. Lyrics floated of their own accord out of his mouth, like the poetry floated from his fingertips onto the computer screen.
‘Well yeah, but I don’t anymore.’
Zac moved his hand around in circles to encourage her. ‘So … when was the last time?’
She grasped her fingers and massaged them like they were sore, avoiding his eye contact.
‘It’s a simple question.’
‘Yeah, well, it’s not a simple answer.’ She stood. ‘Could I please have some water?’
Zac stood. ‘Sure, I’ll get some.’ He filled a glass and handed it to her. ‘Hey, we’re both in this together. No need to be worried.’
They sat again and she took a deep breath. ‘The last time I sang was in the car. To Kyle. Right before the drunk driver slammed into us.’
Crap. ‘Oh. I see.’
‘The thing is, I can’t even remember what song it was. Like the trauma erased it from my memory. But I had the volume up loud, probably a good thing since I was singing and I can’t sing very well, and I was really getting into it.’ She shook her head and he sensed her regret. ‘I keep thinking if I hadn’t been singing along, I could have reacted faster when I saw the car out the corner of my eye. Maybe things would have been different, even if it were only a slightly better outcome.’
Zac exhaled loudly, recalling his own wonderings about that day that changed everything for him. What if they hadn’t stopped the vehicle? What if he hadn’t gotten out? ‘Regret is an uncomfortable thing. I’ve had a few of those in my life. But you can’t let it eat away at you. We do what we can in the moment and that’s all we can do. We can’t know what’s about to happen, only in hindsight.’
‘I know,’ she replied. ‘But even now, I can’t listen to music. At least, not music with lyrics. I have atmospheric instrumental music playing in my store, but … songs with words, I don’t know why, I just can’t take it. I guess they’re like crowds are to you. My friends know to leave the radio off if they drive me somewhere.’
Wow. The woman must have been repressing her emotions for quite a long time. ‘So you haven’t listened to actual songs since the accident?’
‘Nope. Not intentionally anyway. It just reminds me of that day. And also, songs and lyrics, they trigger emotions, memories. Makes me vulnerable and uncomfortable. So I avoid it. A bit wimpy, I know.’
He shook her concerns away with a flick of his hand. ‘These questions are a bit uncomfortable and vulnerable, but you’re doing them. That’s pretty brave.’
‘Yeah, but it’s different. Anyway, so that’s the last time I sang to myself and to someone else. You?’ She gulped the rest of her water.
‘Today. I sing around the house all the time. But to someone else? I think it was when I was in Afghanistan, unless I sang after I got back when …’ His mind rewound to another time in his life he’d rather forget. ‘No, must have been Afghanistan. I was trying to make a new recruit feel more at ease, so I sang a song, and the others joined in. The fun didn’t last long, but at least it brought a smile to the young guy’s face for a little while.’
She smiled. ‘That’s nice. Are you a good singer?’
‘You’ll probably find out at some point and you can decide for yourself.’
‘I’ll prepare my ear plugs.’
They continued the questioning, and bit by bit he learned more about April and her life and her upbringing, while sharing some more about his, though he was careful not to let too much slip. They reached the last question of the first of three sets. After this, the questions would get more serious. More revealing.
He handed the phone to April, and she read it out: ‘If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability what would it be?’
This was one of those moments where he’d be honest, but still keep a secret. ‘Flying would be pretty cool, but,’ he scratched his head, ‘I think I’d just like to be able to walk around a crowd and not feel a sense of panic.’
April’s brow did that furrowing thing again. ‘I feel for you. I really do. I wish I knew the magic solution.’
‘You and me both. But in time, I’m sure I’ll find a way to overcome it. Anyway, don’t want to dwell on that now, what about you, what ability would you choose?’
April’s face lit up like one of her candles and she shuffled on the couch, an excited smile on her face. ‘I’d totally want to be able to do magic. Like a witch. Click my fingers or say a spell and make stuff happen. Oh, the things I could do.’ She rubbed her hands together and faked a witch’s cackle.
She had nice teeth. White and straight. He’d broken one of his own when he was overseas and wasn’t able to get it restored until he’d returned home. But hers, hers were perfect.
‘I said, your turn. Earth to Zac?’
‘Huh? Oh.’ He grasped his phone as she handed it to him. What was wrong with him, getting entranced by her teeth?
They exchanged more questions, talking about good and bad memories, dreams and accomplishments. Then question number nineteen came around. April read it out: ‘If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?’
Hell yes. So why wasn’t he? Why wasn’t he trying harder? Maybe he was putting too much pressure on himself to move forward all at once. ‘I would work harder to connect with the world again. With people. I’d want to experience more. Feel more. Take risks. Be spontaneous.’ The idea of being able to do all of that sent ripples of excitement through his body, but those ripples got snagged on fragments of fear along the way. If only he could yank those fragments out and toss them aside, he could start living this way now.
His mind probed deeper … what sorts of experiences would he want? What would he want to feel? What risks would he take? In what way would he be spontaneous? The answers came in the shape of her face, the subtle complexity of her eyes, and the cute bow of her lips. He’d done a lot in his life already, taken a lot of risks, experienced things not everyone got to experience. But he’d never experienced … love. Real love. Though he wasn’t ready, something inside made him crave it. Maybe it was because he’d never felt like he belonged as a child, when no one wanted him. He’d been too boisterous and challenging. But now, now he was older, different, and in need of companionship. But that alone would not be enough one day. He wanted, needed, more.
‘So you’d basically live life to the full,’ she said.
‘Yep.’ An image of himself dying flashed through his mind, in despair at having missed out on the things he was currently missing out on. ‘And I would also have lots of sex.’
A laugh shot from April’s mouth. ‘With the same person or multiple partners?’
‘That depends.’
‘On what?’
‘On whether the person I wanted wanted me.’ He couldn’t believe where this conversation was heading.
‘And if they didn’t?’
‘Then I guess I’d go for the multiple partners option.’ But somehow he knew that wouldn’t result in the type of satisfaction he craved.
‘And if they did?’
“Then … I’d seriously hope I didn’t only have one year to live.”
His gaze connected with hers as his answer met with silence. They both knew how precious life was. How it could be gone, or irrevocably changed, in the blink of an eye. And she knew what it was like to have found the love of her life but be unable to be with him.
Whether these questions could make people fall in love, who knew? But he was definitely feeling a stronger connection with her.
April ate a cracker, then said, ‘If you could choose anyone, who would it be? And don’t say Megan Fox.’
‘To have lots of sex with?’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘I don’t think that’s on the question list, neighbour.’
‘I know. I’m just asking, while we’re on the topic. Neighbour.’ She eyed him with a curious and cheeky gaze. ‘Be honest.’
His heart rate intensified as images flashed in his mind that he didn’t know if he should be thinking. ‘If I found out right now, in this moment, that I only had a year to live … I think I would want to have it with you, actually.’
A cracker crumb fell from her lips and she froze.
‘You wanted me to be honest.’ He held up his palms.
Her cheeks became pink. ‘Out of every possible woman in the world, you’re telling me you would want me?’ She tapped her fingers against her chest.
He looked away from her stare. ‘Well, I’m guessing if I only had a year, maybe I wouldn’t be well enough to travel far, so the fact that you’re my next-door neighbour is quite convenient. And you already know a lot about me, so we wouldn’t have to waste extra time getting to know each other. Makes perfect sense.’ Any excuse.
She laughed again, but with a high-pitched hint of discomfort. ‘What makes you think I would even want to … to … do that … with you?’
Her embarrassment was adorable. ‘I’m sure you’d take pity on a dying man, yeah?’ He exaggerated a wink.
‘Umm …’ She grabbed two crackers. ‘I have no idea how to respond to that.’
‘April … what’s your surname?’
‘Vedora.’
‘April Vedora, have I made you speechless?’
‘No, I’m just hungry.’ She gobbled up her crackers, took another, and pointed to her mouth. ‘See? It’s rude to eat and talk.’
‘But you’re doing it.’
A smile attempted to escape from her lips. ‘Guess I’m rude then.’
‘Guess you are.’
She chuckled and another crumb fell from her mouth. ‘I’m also messy. Sorry.’ She brushed her lap with her hands.
April told him how she’d spend her life if she only had a year to live, trying to fit in as much as possible, and every now and again adding ‘Oh! And I’d do blah-blah…’ and ‘Oh! How could I forget blah-blah …’ He found it rather cute.
When question twenty-eight came around, it was easy.
‘What do I like about you? Hmm, that’s a tough one,’ he said, rubbing his jaw between his fingers and pretending to experience great difficulty.
She whacked him on the arm.
‘Okay, okay. I like that you’re honest and not afraid of speaking your mind. You just say stuff. Regardless of how the other person might respond.’
‘Huh.’ She nodded with a small smile. ‘Thank you. Some might say that’s a negative trait.’
‘Then they would be the ones who would want to hear what they want to hear rather than the truth. The truth is always better.’
‘I’m glad I can continue to be my honest, direct self with you then,’ she said, then glanced around. ‘You need some colour in this place, Zac. Are you trying to depress me or something?’
He sat up straighter. ‘Hey, I happen to like neutral, earthy colours, thank you very much.’
‘And I’m saying it needs some colour. A bit of earthy red, a splash of purple even. Maybe I’ll get you some more candles.’
‘You do that.’
She grinned. ‘Okay, guess I better rack my brain for something I like about you. Umm …’ She mimicked his jaw rubbing.
‘It doesn’t have to be one thing. You can say multiple things, if you’re having trouble narrowing them all down.’
She whacked his arm again and he laughed. He was starting to enjoy being attacked by her.
She eyed him like he was a specimen she was examining under a microscope. ‘I’ll give you three.’ She bent one of her fingers with another, beginning her countdown. ‘Firstly, I like your conversation skills. At first I thought you were weird, but now I think you’re interesting.’ She bent another finger. ‘Secondly, I like how you go with the flow. Like, you’re relaxed and don’t seem to let things bother you. Then again, maybe that’s because you don’t have a business to run and have the freedom to be a lazy bum all day.’
He whacked her arm this time.
‘And thirdly, I like …’ She eyed him up and down. ‘Oh what the hell, I’ll just say it. Your bod is pretty impressive, dude. Okay, all done, is your ego nicely stroked?’
Warmth spread through his body. Oh yes, it sure was …
‘Oh, only three questions to go,’ April said around half an hour later. ‘Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?’
‘Easy. My photo up there.’ He pointed above the fireplace to the picture of him and Johnny in their uniforms. ‘It means a lot to me. Other stuff doesn’t matter, only memories.’
She nodded. ‘The first thing I thought of, seems a bit silly, but I feel like I’d want my hope candle.’
‘Hope candle?’
‘It sits beside my bed. Never seems to run out, it’s like the never-ending candle. It was given to me after my accident to remind me to stay hopeful and strong, and always makes me feel better. Though if it was a fire that destroyed everything, I’d probably be too afraid to light it after that!’
The remaining two questions were answered without too much difficulty, and Zac leaned back against the couch.
‘Is that it, are we finished?’ she asked.
He leaned forward, remembering something. ‘Oh, hang on. There’s also an optional exercise.’
But did he want to do it?
April peered at the phone screen. ‘We have to stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes? Four minutes?’
He noticed her jaw clench a little, and his own mirrored hers. Maybe they shouldn’t do it, it would be weird. And dangerous. And …
‘Okay!’ she said.
What?
‘They’re just eyes. I’ll use the time to plan my day tomorrow or something.’ She shrugged.
She was clearly trying to make light of it, but her slightly stiff posture told him she would find it challenging, as would he. He’d barely looked anyone in the eye for longer than a brief moment in years. Let alone someone with beautiful almond-shaped brown eyes and long lashes that invited him to look closer. Four minutes, that was all. Four minutes would fly by, for sure.
He moved a little closer to her on the couch and set his phone timer. ‘You ready?’
‘Are you?’
No response.
‘Time starts … now.’
He pressed the start button then took a breath, as he looked up into April’s eyes and she looked at his. After a few moments, her eyes diverted for a split second then returned to his gaze. Looking away after an appropriate time was an automatic response, and he had to force his eyes to stay put.
The candlelight gave a warm, shiny glow to her eyes. Though dark brown, tiny swirls of caramel spun within them. He hadn’t noticed that before.
She giggled, and her hand covered her mouth, then she tried to resume her composure. Zac smiled a little, but kept his mouth tight. He tried to focus on every little detail to make use of the time. The way her eyelashes lightly kissed the top of her cheeks every time she blinked, and how they curled upwards, opening her eyes to the world. To him. She was wearing eye make-up, a faint glimmer of gold arched across her eyelids, accentuating her olive skin.
Despite looking directly at her eyes, his peripheral vision took in her chest rising and falling, and the curved shadows under her collarbones.
Was she examining every detail of him too? What did she notice?
She appeared to be trying extremely hard not to look away, and not to laugh. How strange it was to look so deeply into someone’s eyes and not say anything. And as the seconds ticked by, it felt even stranger not to reach out and at least touch her hand, do something, anything, to detract from the intense vulnerability of the situation.
The air seemed to close in around them, concentrating itself in their personal space. He didn’t know what the timer was up to, but perhaps they were halfway. Except something had shifted. She no longer appeared to be on the verge of laughter, and her eyes held a softer, more comfortable look about them. In contrast, he felt his gaze sharpening, intensifying, as though he was no longer simply looking into her eyes, but deeper. The gloss of her eyes increased, like a car windscreen after being wiped with a windscreen wiper. The rims of her eyes became a deeper pink. He could see her. Not just the outer her, but the inside. Something that he hadn’t seen before … electrifying and terrifying. And, he was sure, she saw something new in him, sending a shot of adrenaline through his body.
Something about her drew him in, captivated him. His heart beat faster, his skin warmed, his breath quickened. He wanted to reach out and touch her face, trace around her eyes gently with his fingers. He clenched his hands tight. If that timer didn’t go off soon …
Her face rose slightly as she gulped, and her breathing quickened. Her chest rose and fell in time with his, like a piece of music about to reach a crescendo. The intensity in her presence was new to him. He didn’t know exactly what it was. He was attracted to her, yes, but it was more … an inexplicable, raw, primal connection that simply existed. No reason, no purpose, it just was.
Heat warmed him from deep within. Oh God, he craved her. Right now, right here, he had to touch her. And if he did, an intense kiss would surely follow.
The timer buzzed.
April’s gaze dropped, but he couldn’t look away. He sucked in a breath, and as his hand reached out to her, some unseen force pulled it back. He stood, ran his hand over his head, and turned away. The bottle on the counter by the knife block caught his eye and instinctively he went to it. He picked up its smooth, curved body with ease. It fit in his hand like a key in a lock, a pillow in a pillowcase, comfortable like an old friend.
He opened the lid. The scent disoriented him for a moment, like he’d opened a bottle of memories and they’d escaped up and out in a rushed haze. He grabbed two glasses and filled the first one, was about to fill the other but his hands on the stem shook and the glass fell over and rolled. He caught it before it toppled off the counter.
‘Nice save,’ said April.
He looked at the empty glass and couldn’t even wait a second to fill it. He grabbed the full glass and brought it near his mouth, but as his tastebuds tingled with anticipation and his heart pounded, nausea rose in his gut.
He walked to the sink and tipped it down. Then he placed the lid on the bottle and shoved it towards her. ‘Please take it. Take it away.’
April took the bottle and stood. ‘Zac?’
He doubled over and leaned one hand on the bar stool next to her bag. He couldn’t focus, catch his breath, his head spinning.
‘Are you okay?’ Her hand touched his back and he straightened up.
He looked in her eyes once again and knew he couldn’t keep this bottled up inside. He took a deep breath that would in no way prepare him for what was to follow. ‘My name is Zac Masterson, and I’m an alcoholic.’