The first time they took Staxa to a steeplechase, it was some little two bob, tinpot, country race meeting. It was mid-week and I was tied up at the shop, so I didn’t go. I didn’t go to the next couple of meetings either. But I read the papers: Staxa’s performances were abysmal.
Tanya saw it all firsthand. Alex had gone and offered her a job. She was now Staxa’s strapper — she had to brush him down and feed him oats and arrange his harness and lead him round the mounting yards at the race track. For all I know, she had to file his teeth. I’d said I thought Alex or Easter could do all these jobs, but Tanya said it wouldn’t look good — the trainer and the jockey had their own jobs, they couldn’t do the strapper’s job as well. Besides, being the strapper at a mid-week race meeting meant she got to wag school. Only she insisted it was work experience. Which I suppose it was.
Tanya called into the shop by herself the day after Staxa had romped home second last in the three-fifteen at Hamsville. The few punters foolish enough to bet on him had done their dough. But, of course, Staxa wasn’t meant to do well. The whole scam depended on him doing rather badly in all but the last race. So Easter and Alex and — I suppose — Luis were very pleased with the way things were going. Very pleased indeed.
‘What about the stewards?’ I said to Tanya. ‘Have they smelt a rat?’
‘Not according to Easter,’ Tanya said. ‘He reckons they smell nothing at all. It’s the other horses Easter is worried about.’
‘The other nags?’
‘Yeah. East reckons they don’t behave towards Staxa like they’re meant to. Staxa reckons the same. He’s always hammering away on the laptop, telling us to shoot the swikne.’
‘How are the other horses meant to behave?’
‘They’re not meant to kick poor Staxa and bite him and push him about.’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ I said. ‘Horses do that. It’s called horsing about.’
‘Yeah, well Easter thinks the other horses know Staxa isn’t a real horse. He reckons Staxa is sending out the wrong subliminal signals.’
‘Good job the other nags can’t use laptops like Staxa,’ I said. ‘They’d be writing letters to the Punters’ Weekly complaining.’
‘I reckon Staxa might start writing letters complaining. He’s been demanding a printer to plug into his laptop. Alex isn’t too keen.’
‘Stax would never get the letter in the envelope,’ I said.
‘Naw,’ said Tanya. ‘But I think he thinks someone might help him.’
‘You getting real fond of Staxa?’ I said. ‘Young girls do that, you know, get real stuck on their ponies. Cups and ribbons and —’
‘Drop dead, Scalp.’
At which point, on cue, in comes Poldarski.
‘Afternoon Senior Constable,’ says Tanya. ‘Did you hear about our old mate Staxa Fun? Bombed out in the three-fifteen at Hamsville. Second last.’
‘That horse should’ve been put down,’ said the policeman. ‘It’s a menace. It’s an even bigger menace than the owner of that furniture van — that Luis Greystone lunatic. You don’t happen to know his whereabouts do you?’
‘He lives on a dear little farm,’ I said.
‘Yeah, he used to live on the farm. He’s disappeared. Every time I try to serve a summons on the bloke, he’s not there.’
‘I reckon he still lives on the farm,’ I said. ‘Maybe you just don’t recognize him when you go out there.’
‘I’d recognize the perpetrator. I’d recognize him anywhere. I’m a trained police officer. But no one’s seen him. His mates who still live on the farm, the neighbours, no one’s seen him for weeks. If we can’t serve the summons, we’re going to have to impound the van anyway, and we might just impound that mad horse while we’re at it.’
‘Look, officer,’ Tanya said in a hushed voice. ‘Speaking as Staxa Fun’s strapper, I’ll let you into a secret: that horse isn’t really a horse.’
Holy dooly, Tanya, I thought, don’t tell him that. We’ll all be up the creek.
Luckily the cop didn’t take Tanya too seriously. ‘Oh, yeah,’ he said. ‘Well, tell me Tanya, if it’s not a horse, what is it?’
‘It’s a common household item,’ said Tanya.
‘Come again?’
‘It’s a stick of furniture. More like a clothes-horse than a racehorse.’
‘That’s not the impression I gained on the night of the offence — the night of the multiple offences. Damage to a vehicle, endangering life, committing a public nuisance, causing livestock to stray on a public highway, parking a heavy goods vehicle in a prohibited area —’
‘Naw, listen, you don’t understand,’ Tanya said. ‘It’s a matter of insurance. Me mum’s friend, Easter — you know, the little jockey guy that lives out at the farm — well, he’s been telling me all about it. See, the furniture van is insured, but Staxa isn’t. So the only way that poor girl with the squashed car is gunna get any money is by proving that her old man’s Kingswood was flattened by a common household item falling off the back of a truck. Then it’s the truck’s fault, not the common household item’s fault. So for legal purposes, the old Stax is a bit of furniture. Get it?’
‘I don’t think that argument will stand up in court,’ said Poldarski.
‘It’s watertight,’ said Tanya.
‘It could be argued that the “piece of furniture” was not properly secured. As I had occasion to remark at the time, it was rather lively.’
‘It could be argued,’ said Tanya, ‘that the piece of furniture was real secure until a certain off-duty policeman went and insisted that it be unsecured. Against the advice of the van’s owner. Wilfully unsecuring a hazardous load might just be a bit of an offence under the Hazardous Loads Act. What I reckon is — if you go and knock off the van and the horse, Easter and Alex might just have to file counter charges. Loss of livelihood due to malicious busybodying. Or something. They might just serve a summons themselves. Wadda you think about that?’
The policeman appeared lost in thought, then he said, ‘I might have to talk to my union. Powerful body the Police Association — looks after its members.’
‘Yeah, well don’t lose any sleep over it.’ Tanya said. ‘Easter and Alex are reasonable guys. They only do unto others what’s done unto them. Get it? Anyway, I’ll give you a hot tip: back nervous horses in stampedes. Go for Staxa in the Elmbank Steeplechase.’
‘Not on his present form,’ said Poldarski.
‘Naw, you don’t understand,’ said Tanya. ‘His present form is a result of purposeful herd movement. But the Elmbank Cup is going to be a stampede. See, we done this topic, right? “Our Furry Brothers and Sisters”. Part of the Say No to Animal Exploitation Curriculum Package. And see, Ms Boston — she’s the Say No Curriculum Coordinator — well, she gave us this fact sheet about horses. They’re real sociable beasts and when they’re just wandering about in a mob the dominant ones go up the front. They’re the leaders. And the other ones are real polite and just wander along behind. But when it’s a stampede, things get reversed. Right? In a stampede it’s the nervous nellies who get to be the leaders. The real paranoid fruitcake horses, they’re the ones that go to the front. They just panic. So the thing is, Senior Constable, that if you want to clean up big at the track, you’ve got to work out in advance if a race is going to be purposeful herd movement or if it’s going to be a total rampage, a stampede. See? And the thing you’ve gotta understand about Staxa is that basically he’s a nervous, polite, shy sort of beast. Unless he panics. Then he’s a mad bastard. Well, all the races he’s been in so far have just been little half-arsed country mid-week numbers. All the horses going round the track, hopping over the jumps, are just doing a bit of purposeful herd movement. Staxa is too polite to win a race like that. But the Elmbank Cup — that’s the big time: hundreds of horses, huge crowds, lots of noise, television, helicopters, the works. It’ll be panic-attack city for poor old Staxy — he’ll want out! And out he’ll go. Out in front. See?’
‘Gee, you talk a lot, Tanya,’ said the cop.
‘You only say that because I’m a girl. See, we did this topic: “Speak your Mind”. It’s in the Say No to Put Downs Action Plan for Schools. Well I done this research, and science proves that ninety-two percent of the time that boys are rabbiting on in class they are not actually saying anything remotely interesting. But on the other hand, most girls don’t say anything interesting either on account of they don’t actually say anything at all. It’s just like purposeful herd movement — they’re too shy and polite to interrupt the rabbiting boys. But me — this is the point you’ve gotta understand, Senior Constable — me, I’m a girl. And I speak my mind. So what I say is interesting one hundred percent of the time. Which is why you wanna take my advice and stop this nonsense about persecuting Staxa and go to the Elmbank Cup and bet everything you own, including your shirt, on the beast in question. And that’s a hot tip — straight from the strapper’s mouth. Got it?’
But the cop was already out the door.
And then Tanya was falling about and putting her arms round me and we were both laughing. So we each got a coke out of the machine and I sat on the saddle of a twenty-four speed Fairway Flyer and Tanya parked her bum on a Bunny Hopper and we just sat there in my shop and gossiped the afternoon away. And jeez I felt happy. I just felt totally, ridiculously happy.
As she was leaving Tanya said, ‘Look, I worry about that horse. It’s no fun — being picked on by all the other horses. Especially if you’re not actually a horse at all.’
‘That’s the first time all afternoon you’ve mentioned that,’ I said. ‘Most of the time you just think about him as a horse.’
‘Funny about that,’ Tanya said. ‘I’ve no trouble thinking about you as being a juvenile delinquent.’
‘Watch it,’ I said.
‘Anyway,’ Tanya said. ‘I’ll ask Ms Boston. She’s sure to have some Say No to Bullying material. Staxa could get some ideas.’