T he fixer’s phone lit up with a text message:
“Your friend is dead.”
I’d been waiting with him and his associate in the frigid Manila hotel lobby all morning for this news. Though the fixer and I were not friends in any conventional sense of the word, we had gotten to know each other through small talk over a half-dozen $5 Cokes. We discussed kids, the weather, how best to fake your death in the Philippines, and, as an added bonus, how to slay an assailant with a ballpoint pen. Aside from getting into the particulars about purchasing cadavers on the black market and murder techniques with ordinary household objects, most of our chitchat could have taken place in the buffet line of a wedding reception. We were killing time, waiting for the forger to produce my death certificate.
And now it was ready. We sprang up from our seats, and I charged the Cokes to my room. This—obtaining documents that would pronounce me dead without actually ending my life—was what I’d been waiting to do for years.
Now that the moment had finally arrived, I felt a little uneasy. We walked through the megamall, connecting to the underground parking garage to find the car in which we would wend through metro Manila in the evening rush hour to meet the forger’s conduit, who, in his hot hands, possessed a dossier that, in effect, could kill me. I compensated by laughing too hard at the guys’ jokes about their wives.
How did I end up sweating in the backseat of a Mercedes in the Philippines, driving to obtain evidence of my own death? I’m pretty happy with my life, for the most part. I loathe adrenaline and unnecessary risk. I don’t even like to go downhill fast on my bike. And while I present as effervescent to the degree of ditziness, that warmth can quickly curdle into an animal rage, festered and heightened by ten years of living in New York by my own wits, especially toward strange men who want to take my money.
I sought out these fixers because I wanted to know if it was possible to fake your own death. And, if this handoff went as planned, I’d be dead within the hour.
FAKING YOUR DEATH—BOTH AS a concept and as an act people attempt with surprising frequency—first occurred to me two years earlier, when I was having dinner with my friend Matt. We had met teaching public school in the Bronx. That evening, as we sat in a cheap Vietnamese restaurant, I was feeling sorry for myself. I’d recently abandoned teaching to go back to school full-time, which meant foolishly taking out several dozen thousand dollars in student loans to heap upon the $60,000 debt from my undergraduate education, bringing the sum total to a bloated figure in the six digits. At the beginning of the semester, I felt alive and nourished and like I was on vacation after a career of corralling second graders. Then, a few weeks in, I realized what I had done. I’d screwed myself financially, big-time (for the second time!), and had nobody to blame but the creep in the mirror.
In the dim crepuscular light of early winter, I was bemoaning my self-imposed financial plight to Matt, who was exhausted and smelled slightly like the syrup from the school cafeteria. He looked less than amused.
I revealed my latest vision of the future over greasy spring rolls:
“So the plan is to become, like, a towering luminary and highly sought-after public intellectual, and, I mean, my TED Talk alone will obviously pay back my private loans, but in the very off chance that the film offers don’t come knocking straightaway, I’ve come up with plan B: Belize.”
“What does that even mean?” Matt asked, his eyelids sagging after a day of coaxing eight-year-olds into mastering fractions.
“You know, just slip through the cracks. Find a sun-bleached country with a rickety government and no extradition policy and kick back on the beach, avoiding the feds for the rest of my life.”
Would Sallie Mae and the US Department of Education really deploy a repo team to a tiny Central American country in search of a certain debt-laden Rubenesque bottle blonde? What’s a little $100,000 deficit to them? (Well, actually closer to a half million after the lifetime of accrued interest.) This conversation took place in the wake of the 2008 financial collapse, when it had become evident that the middle-class ideal of playing by the rules in search of the American dream was for chumps. Flouting it like the goons on Wall Street was the only way to profit and evade consequences. Defaulting on debts was very much in the zeitgeist—plus I could score a vacation in the meantime. I was pretty pleased with my plan, though the fantasy was more of a pressure valve than a blueprint. The puritan in me, while realizing how the system is rigged, still paid her taxes and got regular teeth cleanings. But the idea of throwing on a wig and some shades and starting over was appealing, even though I was still relatively young at the time. I joked about it, but my student loan debt, though not unique in any way, made me feel definitively and inextricably fucked. Two options presented themselves: a Dickensian debtors’ prison or a life on the lam.
“Or you could fake your own death,” Matt said casually, shoving another spring roll into his mouth.
“Or I could fake my own death,” I parroted back, the thought undulating through my skull like squid ink.
Why hadn’t that occurred to me? Faking my own death. An untimely end would make a far superior story for the bill collectors than simply vanishing one day. Sloughing off the past, shucking the carcass of my impoverished self, to be reborn, unblemished as a sunrise. My “death” would not be a conclusion but a renaissance—a shot at an alternative ending. The dross of life would not inflict itself upon me: I could arrange and edit to suit my specifications. Faking death could be a refusal, a way to reject the dreary facts, a way to bridge the chasm between who you are and who you want to be. From bit player in your life, you become the auteur. From being pressed up against a wall, you carve a tunnel.
That night, when I got home to my apartment, before I took off my coat, I marched straight to my laptop and Googled “fake your own death.” I don’t know what I was expecting to find in those search results, but I encountered a diverse and vibrant ecosystem: amateur forums where anonymous avatars traded tips on how to score fake IDs and stash money undetected; stories of low-budget con men who ripped off life insurance companies; urban legends of Elvis and Michael Jackson staging death hoaxes and walking among us. There were experts dispensing advice with a steep price tag about how you can maintain your privacy in the digital age and how-tos for erasing yourself in the physical world. Nothing was what it seemed, anything was possible, and you needed only not to repeat the mistakes of those who’d gotten caught in order to stay good and gone. Was that it? Were the people who got busted just too messy, their exits too hastily planned?
While my initial search was rooted in a despairing thought experiment, my stumbling upon this world seemed perfectly timed. My debt informed decisions large and small: Should I use my tax refund to backpack in Nicaragua or pay back my faceless oppressor? Should I slog through another decade at a job that was turning my brain into porridge to ensure that I could meet the minimum monthly payments? If declaring bankruptcy at the tender age of twenty-seven were an option, I would have done it in a heartbeat. But student loans cannot be absolved with the stroke of a judge’s pen, or else Millennials would be skipping around town with ruined credit and buoyant hearts.
Beyond the money I owed dictating the shape of my day and my future, my world was looking fixed. Pleasant enough, but calcifying. I was living in a rent-controlled apartment in Chelsea with Elijah, a reformed heartbreaker musician who’d given me the runaround for years. I was in a relationship I’d fought for, in a New York real estate wet dream. I’d wake up before him and read in the embrace of an overstuffed red armchair I bought at a Housing Works thrift store with my first freelance check, positioned in a corner to absorb the sun glinting off the Hudson River. Eventually he’d stumble out of bed after a late-night gig, and we’d cradle mugs of coffee and drape over each other as horns sounded seven stories below us on Ninth Avenue. We’d recently adopted Bonnie, a Jack Russell–Chihuahua who sparked commentary from friends and relatives on the good practice she provided for the caprices of a human child. The mail seemed to bring a new batch of wedding invitations every month, and each week was a rinse-repeat cycle of the same café table, the same bills to pay, the same commute. It was a comfortable rhythm of what I wanted. Or thought I wanted. Or was supposed to have wanted. A familiar refrain echoed in my head: Is that all there is?
I took out the first batch of loans seeking escape. In high school in my New England rust belt town, I logged nearly as many hours in the parking lot smoking cigarettes as I spent in class. After graduation, I waitressed, telemarketed, delivered food, and worked at a residential facility for troubled teens not much younger than me. I didn’t apply to college right away and knew that I’d be paying for most of it on my own, as my mom was raising my sister and me on an assistant professor’s salary. My dad, who lived in a different state, was in no position to contribute. But I knew I wanted to get as far away as possible from binge drinking, the cult of the Red Sox, and North Face fleeces. So I took out $60,000 in loans to go spend four years studying American history at the University of San Francisco. I’d never been west of Colorado until moving into the dorms. I went to college in between tech bubbles and paid $600 a month for a room in a Victorian off Alamo Square. I drove a red Vespa motor scooter through the troughs of hills and up the slope of the Presidio. I made out with surfers. I taught English at a day labor collective. I tasted freedom.
While I’d gone into debt in order to fund my escape from the parochial cradle of central Massachusetts, I’d actually screwed myself into stasis. Owing a massive amount that never diminished despite $400 monthly payments made new movement a mere fantasy. So my mind wandered. Could I annihilate the self that owed the money? Or would I have to annihilate my entire being?
What would be lost? Should I have carried on the sensible slog of teaching elementary school in favor of a nebulous goal? Should I just have cemented myself onto the same bar stool in Worcester? How does it happen that what once seemed like the deepest fulfillment of desire could turn out to betray my future freedom?
What those search results revealed to me that first night wasn’t only a vast ecosystem but also an alternative. I was concerned that the choices I’d been making were hemming me in and limiting my options. But here were people who designed their lives around proxy identities, subterfuge, shirking responsibilities. Here was freedom. I had to know everything, to satisfy my nagging intellectual curiosity—and because my life felt stopped up, and I wanted to punch a hole in it.
Each link I clicked opened up a new facet of faking death, and every new aspect elicited a fresh set of questions. Is it possible to fake your death at all? Proving a negative is impossible, because the people who pull it off are simply presumed dead. So what lessons could one extract from those who had been caught? What is the best way to stage your fatal accident? How do you occupy your days in your second life? And can you even disappear in the twenty-first century, when every move is monitored, if not by the US National Security Agency then by closed-circuit TVs and drones, phones transmitting our coordinates, and obnoxious friends tagging us on Facebook?
While the idea of manipulating one’s own mortality was dark, I also delighted in its inherent black comedy. As ideas go, faking your death is one of those things—like homeschooling or a bad haircut—that is, to me at least, timeless comedic gold. The stories I encountered were almost the stuff of B movies: a Wall Street huckster who was to report to jail but then faked his suicide and lived in an RV; a man who was in deep real estate debt paddling away in a kayak off the northern coast of England and presumed to have drowned, only to have a photo of him in a Panamanian real estate office emerge five years later; a money manager who staged a plane crash but then made the mistake of inadvertently leading the feds to the campsite where he was holed up. It seems that while en route, he’d discarded a road atlas with several pages torn out of it. The lawmen who found it simply purchased the same atlas at a nearby gas station and followed the missing pages.
These unlucky endings were punch lines, if propelled by unfunny setups. If one sides with the many philosophers who believe that death is the ultimate absurdity of human existence, then faking death might represent a slapstick sketch of human ingenuity and folly.
But beyond the intriguing practical logistics and poignant hilarity of the last resort, I became keenly interested in what it takes emotionally and spiritually to kill off the person you once were. What happens to the people you leave behind? If you kill yourself in order to live anew, what dies with you? Is it ever worth it? And who are the people who traffic in “pseudocide” (industry jargon, I learned, for faking one’s death)? It became very clear to me that I had stumbled into a bizarre underworld made up of people with forbidden knowledge and those seeking it. And while my intention to fake my death might not have been as earnest as that of the commenters in the forums I was frequenting, I had definitely become a seeker as well.
As I sat in a winter coat, hunched over a computer, these questions piqued a curiosity in me that would end up leading me across the globe years later.
AS I GAZED OUT the window of the Mercedes in the monsoon season, humidity smudging the edges of Manila, on the way to pick up my death certificate, I felt myself about to cross over from seeker to expert. I had wanted to see how close I could come to faking my death, short of actually doing it. Was it possible? I was about to find out.
But before the forger and the death certificate, before Manila, I’d have a lot to learn.