I wrote this book because I truly feel that we teach what we want to learn, and forgiveness is the most important lesson that I have to learn. So in a very real way, I wrote this book for myself as a reminder that I really do want to end the suffering I cause myself and others through my judgments and difficulties with forgiveness.
I know from the times that I have truly been able to grasp these lessons that forgiveness gives me a sense of personal freedom, hope, peace, and happiness which I get in no other way. But I also know that forgiveness is not one of those things which we ever complete in our lives. It is ongoing, always a work in progress. It is a never-ending process because as long as we are living in these bodies there is a part of us that is going to be tempted, again and again, to make judgments.
Not a day goes by, I must confess, that I don’t stumble, that I don’t catch myself being judgmental about others or myself. Sometimes it happens in seemingly mundane ways. One story which comes to mind is something that happened to me a while back when I was visiting the beautiful island of Molokai in Hawaii.
While taking my early-morning run along the edge of a golf course, I spied two beer cans that someone had tossed beside the path. As I saw them, I became really annoyed and judgmental. How could anyone be so thoughtless and insensitive as to trash this beautiful land in this way? I was incensed. How stupid and crass could a person be to toss their empty beer cans out the window and clutter up this paradise like this?
Running past the cans, I headed back toward the place where I was staying. I was really building up a whole scenario in my mind about the insensitive person who had done this. But then my inner voice stopped me: “Wait! Rather than making judgments like this, maybe you could go back and pick up those beer cans.” No matter how they got there, wasn’t it better to correct what had been done rather than holding these harsh, judgmental thoughts in my mind for the rest of the day?
Then I had a little argument with myself. If I went back to get the cans, I might be late for the appointment I had. Was it worth it to take the extra five minutes or so to pick up the cans and dispose of them properly?
At last, I turned back and picked up the cans. As I did so, the discomfort of those judgmental feelings I was having suddenly was replaced by a wonderful feeling of peace and joy.
As I continued my run back to my hotel, memories came flooding into my consciousness. I remembered the times in my youth when I had tossed trash out of the car window. I had done things just as crass and insensitive as this person who’d left his beer cans behind. In that instant, I could see that part of my judgments about this act was a projection of my own guilt and my own judgments of myself. Picking up the beer cans and depositing them in the garbage was more than doing something to honor the beauty of this island paradise; it was a lesson in releasing myself from the past and freeing myself from my own self-judgments.
The deeper lesson for me was that I did not have to leave the litter out on the land. Nor did I have to carry around the uncomfortable judgmental feelings I was having. Beyond that, I saw that my judgmental feelings were judgments about myself. The very process of forgiving the litterer freed me from feelings I carried around about my own past behavior.
That moment was a reminder to me of how healing forgiveness can be, of how it can release us from the past and deliver us to the joy of living fully in this moment. In everyday life, we tend to think of forgiveness as being little more than accepting a person’s apology. Sometimes, just to be polite, we accept apologies when we really don’t feel very forgiving. Or perhaps we cling to our grievances about the way a friend or loved one has let us down, believing that this is a way to protect ourselves. In our confusion about forgiveness, we not only hold on to what causes us pain, we also blind ourselves to what can heal us.
Perhaps one of the most difficult things for me has been that lack of forgiveness keeps me attached to incidents which happened in the past. Whenever I cling to past grievances, I condemn myself to the darkness. Had I clung to the past and held on to my judgmental thoughts about those beer cans, the chances are pretty good that they’d still be lying beside the path back in Molokai—and I would still be feeling uncomfortable about my own judgments of myself.
Forgiveness releases us from so much. It stops our inner battles with ourselves. It allows us to stop recycling anger and blame.
Forgiveness allows us to know who we truly are. With forgiveness in our hearts, we can at last experience our true essence as love.
Forgiveness is the great healer that allows us to feel joined and at one with each other and all that is life.
Forgiveness has the power to heal both our inner and outer lives. It can change how we see ourselves and others. It can change how we experience the world. It can bring an end, once and for all, to the inner conflicts that so many of us carry around with us every moment of every day.
Imagine the peace that could come to our planet if all the people of the world would let go of old grievances with their neighbors. Imagine what could happen if we would all let go of centuries-old battles over racial differences, religious differences, and past injuries to one another!
As a physician for more than forty years, I can recall people with a variety of illnesses—from back problems, to ulcers, to high blood pressure, and even to cancer—who have had many of their symptoms abate as they learned to forgive. I have been heartened in recent years to see research emerging that shows a relationship between forgiveness and health. We now know that lack of forgiveness—that is, clinging to anger, fear, and pain—does have a measurable impact on our bodies. These create tensions which affect the physiological systems that we are dependent on for health. They affect the circulation of blood in our bodies. They affect the efficiency of our immune systems. They put stress on our hearts, on our brains, and on virtually every organ in our bodies. Lack of forgiveness is indeed a health factor.
I think about my own alcoholic years. Drinking was my way of deadening myself to the pain of my own self-judgments and judgments of others. That way of dealing with these feelings became a source of stress for me and everyone around me. Had I continued this pattern, I would have surely increased the conflicts with both my inner and outer lives. In time, I might have developed a serious physical disorder such as liver disease, cancer, digestive problems, or heart disease.
Twenty-five years ago, the first Center for Attitudinal Healing came into being. It started out as a safe place to support children facing catastrophic illnesses and soon expanded to include adolescents and adults. Based on some of the principles of A Course in Miracles, the primary goal of the group members, as well as the staff, board, facilitators, and volunteers, is to find inner peace as a way to create true health and to heal by letting go of fear. Even at those times when they could do nothing to change the conditions of their bodies, they were able to heal the feelings of anger, betrayal, unfairness, and fear of having a serious health condition. And it is often through forgiveness that they find themselves released from their fears and discomforts so that they can go on to live creative, productive, and happy lives. Today, the Center has 120 sister centers around the world, using the principles of Attitudinal Healing for a variety of human challenges, from relationship problems, to living with serious illness, to healing conflicts within families and organizations.
Forgiveness continues to be a core teaching at these free centers. And it continues to bring comfort and freedom to people’s lives even when they are faced with the most grievous of circumstances. It is out of the years of hearing thousands of healing stories that this little book you now hold in your hands was inspired. Having witnessed so much healing that has come by the practice of Attitudinal Healing, I am convinced of the unequalled power of forgiveness. As we change our minds, we are led to a place of peace regardless of the challenges life has given us.
The Forgiveness Reminders at the end of each chapter can be used as daily meditations. You might find it helpful to write a Forgiveness Reminder on a piece of paper or card and carry it with you, referring to it several times throughout the day.
It is my hope that you, the reader, will find in these pages a way to experience more happiness, peace, and freedom in your life. We are on this journey together. It is my belief and conviction that through practicing the ongoing process of forgiveness we all might take part in bringing greater joy and peace not only into our own lives but into the lives of everyone around us.
What we need to forgive in others may be something in ourselves that we have hidden from our awareness.*
We can choose to have peace of mind as our only goal.*
We are responsible for our own happiness.*