As you read this book, consider keeping a small notebook or journal close at hand. You’ll find it useful for making a record of any notes or insights that come to mind.
I’d like to suggest that a good place to start your journal entries is with a list of people who might be forgiven. Include on this list people who you presently feel should never be forgiven. To save some time in this process, I’ve tried to think of some of the different possibilities that might come up. The following should make it a little easier to choose who you might include on your list.
Parents, stepparents, family members, and relatives. Many of us grew up feeling that our parents did not give us exactly what we wanted or needed when we were children. At our lectures and workshops, Diane and I often ask for a raise of hands to show how many people have totally forgiven their parents. It is rare that more than 50 percent have done so.
In some cases, there was emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual abuse which left scars that seem like they may never heal. In other cases, it might seem that you had a rather gentle, protective home environment when you were growing up, but you still feel hurt by things that happened. Even if you presently feel that what happened in your childhood is unforgivable—or maybe just bewildering—jot down any names that might come under this heading.
Spouses, ex-spouses, and past love relationships. In our workshops throughout the world, we often ask people to raise their hands if they have been divorced. Then we ask those people to raise their hands if they have totally forgiven their ex-spouses. Less than 25 percent of them raise their hands—which leaves 75 percent who have not forgiven an ex-spouse.
There is no doubt that forgiving an ex-spouse can be difficult. Presumably, these are people who we have once taken into our hearts and trusted. The pain, disappointment, or sense of betrayal and hurt that we feel can be quite deep. Even if you presently feel that they should never be forgiven or that you don’t feel it is possible to do so, at least put their names on your list.
Authority figures. Many of us have had the experience of being let down, injured, deceived, disappointed, lied to, or even abused by people we feel we should have been able to trust in some aspect of our lives, such as teachers, religious leaders, foster parents, helping professionals, public officials, politicians, government leaders, manufacturers, retailers, and service providers. Government leaders, for instance, are sometimes responsible for horrible outrages against humanity—we have only to remember World War II and the Holocaust for proof of this. Similarly, there are times when professionals we pay to help us sometimes cause embarrassment or even serious injury. It may certainly seem that these people are the most unforgivable of all since we have entrusted them to serve the public. Once again, put their names on your list even if you are absolutely convinced that they should never be forgiven.
Your physical body. Are you totally at peace with your body? Or are you unhappy about the way it looks or feels? Do you have a physical challenge that is genetic or perhaps is caused by an illness or injury? Are you suffering from a serious illness? Are you unhappy about something that limits you from doing things which you would like to be able to do? Or are you angry that your body is aging and there is nothing you can do to stop the process? If any of these things are true for you, briefly describe them and put them on your list.
Your own past or present thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Many of us have judgments about ourselves. We may find it difficult to accept a certain behavior that we seem to repeat again and again, no matter how much we try to change. We may have done things in the past that caused others injury or pain. We may feel that no matter how much time and energy we put into having a better relationship with a friend or family member, we cannot make things better. We may feel that we keep falling short of doing better at our job or moving toward a special goal. Or we may feel that we should be more generous toward other people—or less judgmental and more forgiving! No matter what it is, describe it briefly and put it on your list.
Acts of God, fate, luck, a higher power, the stars, or life itself. At times it can seem that life itself is against us. We often hear phrases like “I never have any luck!” or “It’s just my fate!” or “If there is a God, how could God allow this to happen?” or “It’s all in my stars!” Certainly there are times when we are angry with forces that seem bigger than ourselves or that appear to be beyond our control. Jot down any of these that might apply to you.
Accidents, offenses, and misdeeds of strangers. Life can at times seem to be filled with problems or even dangers that come about through nothing we have done. Whether it happens to be a traffic accident, a stranger’s insult, or a burglar entering our house and making off with a valuable possession or an object with sentimental value for us, such grievances can also seem unforgivable. Add them to your list.
Reflections about Completing Your List
As you are completing your list, it is likely that a number of thoughts and questions will enter your mind. Here are just a few things that may come up:
• I feel afraid to forgive this person. If I do, aren’t I condoning what they have done? Isn’t forgiving going to send them the message that I am agreeing with them?
• I feel that because of the injury I have suffered, there is a barbed-wire fence around my heart—or my heart is like stone, and I can never change the hardness I experience when I think about this person.
• I vacillate between wanting to get even with this person for injuring me and wanting to erase the whole thing from my memory.
• I can never forgive myself for what I did, and I deserve to never be happy again.
• I would love to be able to let go of these hateful feelings I carry around for this other person, but I am afraid that if I let them go I can be hurt again.
• I am quite certain that I would feel much happier after letting go of this grievance, but I can’t even imagine how to do that.
Questions and reflections such as these naturally come up for many of us as we sit down to list people and situations that we might forgive. There are no quick and easy answers to these questions. But this book was written with the hope and conviction that it might help readers take a closer look at the nature of forgiveness. It is about looking at the advantages and disadvantages of letting go of the grievances that we have encountered in our lives. As you will soon discover, the list you have just completed will help you focus on the realities of how forgiveness might work in your life.
Forgiveness means seeing the light of God in everyone—regardless of their behavior.*
The happiest marriages are built on a foundation of forgiveness.