There is always a choice to be made: We can listen to the voice of love or to the voice of the ego.*
It is difficult to forgive when we listen to the advice of the ego, which tells us that we are doing the healthy thing by punishing the person who has hurt us and withholding our love from them. It is difficult to forgive because we have stubborn egos which attempt to convince us that it is better and safer for us to hate than to love.
It is important that we do not make our egos the enemy or be attached to their advice. But it is equally important to recognize that our egos lead us astray. Our egos preach to us constantly. They cling to a belief system that makes fear, conflict, indifference, and unhappiness top priorities, and they insist that expressing love is just insane.
I like to think differently—that perhaps we are really insane only when we are not allowing ourselves to experience and express our love.
When we become attached to listening to the voice of the ego, which we are especially prone to do during times of stress or when things are not going as we’d like, we will hear or feel in our minds the silent messages that tell us not to forgive.
There is always a choice to be made: We can listen to the voice of love or to the voice of the ego.* How can we tell when it is the ego talking? The voice of the ego always comes from fear. It leaves us in a state of conflict, not peace. When we listen to the unforgiving mind of the ego, it will give us countless reasons why we should not forgive, always hiding the fact that when we don’t forgive we are the ones who suffer and lose our sense of peace.* Here are twenty examples of the ego’s reasoning:
1. That person really hurt you. They deserve your anger, your withdrawal of love, and any other punishment they get.
2. Don’t be a fool! If you forgive, that person is just going to do the same damn thing all over again.
3. You are weak if you forgive.
4. If you forgive that person, it is the same as making them right and you wrong!
5. Only a person with really low self-esteem would ever consider forgiving that person.
6. When you don’t forgive, it is like controlling the other person. Control is the ego’s best way to keep safe.
7. The best way to keep a distance between yourself and the person who hurt you is to never forgive them.
8. Hold back your forgiveness since it is a way to feel good, knowing it is a good way to get your revenge.
9. Withholding forgiveness gives you power over the person who has hurt you.
10. Forgiving people who hurt you is just plain stupid.
11. If you forgive, you abandon all sense of security.
12. If you forgive someone, they might think you agree with what they did or didn’t do.
13. Forgiving is nothing more than condoning bad behavior.
14. If push comes to shove, you should forgive the person only if they offer you a sincere apology—and then, only sort of forgive.
15. If you forgive, God will strike you down.
16. Let’s face it—it’s always the other person’s fault, so why forgive?
17. Don’t ever believe anyone who tries to tell you that you abhor things in other people which you can’t stand to look at in yourself.
18. Don’t fall for the idea that if you can’t forgive something which another person has done, it’s because you can’t accept the fact that you have done something you consider unforgivable.
19. If you forgive that horrible act, you are no better than the person who is to blame!
20. You’ll know you’ve really lost it with this forgiveness thing when you start believing that there is a God or Higher Power which protects you from being an innocent victim and getting yourself hurt.
Take some time to get acquainted with this list of ego statements. Soon you will recognize them when they come up in your own thoughts. At that point, you will recognize that you have a choice between the voice of the ego and the voice of love, the voice of forgiveness. In the coming chapters, we will explore ways to better hear this voice.
Forgiveness releases us from the painful past.*
You either totally forgive or you do not forgive at all.*
To forgive, have a willingness to give all your anger and anguish to God.*