Let peace of mind be your only goal—not changing the other person or punishing them.*
The Preparation Stage: Changing Our Beliefs
Preparation for retraining our minds begins with learning to quiet them so that we are not caught up in the busyness of the day. Prayer can be helpful for this. If you meditate, you might start there.
Meditation simply means having a peaceful mind. You may have had the experience of hiking in the mountains and coming upon a quiet lake so clear and pure you could see the bottom. Let that image or a similar one be your symbol for a peaceful mind.
A peaceful mind is our natural state, one that is tranquil, still, joyous, and loving. Its clarity becomes possible because there are no conflicting thoughts, judgments, or fears.
To have a peaceful mind, find an image like the mountain lake that will work for you. Then spend between five and twenty minutes each day focusing on that image in a place where you will not be disturbed by other people, the ringing phone, or anything else.
Finding time to be in nature and experience your oneness with it can be most helpful. Just be quiet, and have nothing to distract you—no television, radio, or talking. Turn off your phone. The stillness you create will help you be more receptive to the different ways of looking at forgiveness.
I have included in this chapter a list of principles that we have already discussed. Don’t let the size of this list bother you. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Resist any temptation you might have to compare yourself to others or to measure your progress. Find a space that is comfortable and natural for you, and honor it.
Have a willingness to be open-minded as you review these principles. Remind yourself that it is all right to disagree with or reject any of these thoughts. Forgiveness is a choice, and you do not have to forgive or believe in forgiveness. But do your best to look at the consequences of your choice to forgive or not forgive, letting your heart help you decide.
• Be open to the possibility of changing your beliefs about forgiveness.
• Be willing to consider that you are not just a body but that you are a spiritual being living temporarily in a body.
• Consider the possibility that life and love are one and are eternal.
• Find no value in self-pity.
• Find no value in being a faultfinder.
• Choose to be happy rather than “right.”
• Be willing to let go of being a victim.
• Make peace of mind your only goal.
• Look upon everyone you meet as a teacher of forgiveness.
• Believe that holding on to grievances and unforgiving thoughts is a way for you to suffer.
• Recognize that any emotional pain you feel at this moment is caused only by your own thoughts.
• Believe that you have the power to choose the thoughts you put in your mind.
• Believe that holding on to anger does not bring you what you really want.
• Believe that it is to your benefit to make decisions based on love rather than fear.
• Believe that there is no value in punishing yourself.
• Believe you deserve to be happy.
• Rather than seeing people as attacking you, see them as fearful and giving you a call of help for love.
• Be willing to see the light of an innocent child in everyone you meet, regardless of the costumes they wear and regardless of the terrible things that they have done.
• Be willing to see the light of the innocent child within you.
• Be willing to count your blessings rather than your hurts.
• Seek the value of giving up all your judgments.
• Believe that love is the most powerful healing force in the world.
• Believe that everyone you meet is a teacher of patience.
• Believe that forgiveness is the key to happiness.
• Believe that you can experience “celestial amnesia,” momentarily forgetting everything except the love that others have given you.
• Recognize that every meeting you have, with every person you meet, is a Holy Encounter. Imagine that the person you are meeting is really Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Mother Teresa, or some other wise spiritual teacher who is within the personality you are dealing with. No matter how it might seem, treat this as a sacred relationship in which there is an opportunity to learn.
• Let go of seeing any value in hurting or punishing the other person or yourself. Remember that the purpose of forgiveness is not to change the other person but to change the conflicting, negative thoughts in your mind.
The Action Stage: Choosing to Forgive
One key word, willingness, gives you the power to move ahead in the forgiveness process. When you go into action and say to yourself, with full trust, that you are willing to turn all your grievances and what may seem like justified anger over to the highest truth in yourself—a Higher Power, God, or whatever name you apply in speaking of your Source—your anger will begin to be transformed into love. It is your willingness to seek help from this Higher Power that allows you to transform your anger into love.
• Decide that you are no longer going to suffer from the boomerang effect of your unforgiving thoughts.
• You may find it helpful to write a letter to the person you wish to forgive. Express all of your feelings, and then tear up the letter.
• You may find it healing in the forgiveness process to write poetry. Put your thoughts and feelings into intimate and well-expressed words.
• Be clear that your only goal is peace of mind, not changing or punishing the other person.
• Be willing to see this person who hurt you as one of your strongest teachers, giving you the opportunity to really learn what forgiveness is all about.
• Remember that in the process of forgiving the other person, you are forgiving yourself.
• Begin to practice and find the value of blessing and praying for the other person as well as yourself.
• Remember that in forgiving, you are not agreeing with the other person or condoning their hurtful behavior.
• Enjoy the happiness and peace that comes from forgiving.
Gentleness and tenderness are the brothers and sisters of forgiveness.
Forgiveness makes our load in life much lighter.
It is never too early or too late to forgive.*