Thank you to my agent, Matt McGowan, for taking a chance on this strange, sad book and reminding me that this is only just the beginning.
Many thanks to my editor, Callie Garnett, who understood the heart of this story from our first phone call to the last changed word. I will never look at these pages without hearing your voice as we read through each and every sentence over the phone. Thank you, for your attention to detail, for your genuine love of language and sentence structure, for believing in this work even on the days I did not.
My experience with Bloomsbury has been incredible— the sheer amount of enthusiasm and excitement has made my writer heart feel so full. Thank you to every single person who has had a hand in this process. Cindy Loh and Nancy Miller for leading this amazing team. The marketing and publicity departments for their tireless work. I am so grateful for Marie Coolman, Valentina Rice, and Laura Keefe. Special thanks to Tara Kennedy, publicist extraordinaire, Nicole Jarvis, marketing maven, and Akshaya Iyer, production pro.
Thank you to Myunghee Kwon, who designed a cover that was more than anything I could have dreamed of.
This book would not have been possible without the guidance and support of the CalArts MFA program. Janet Sarbanes, for showing me the joys of fiction and reading with such care. Doug Kearney, for providing a space for me to write terrible poetry and teaching me how to bring a sense of immediacy to my nonfiction. Tisa Bryant, for her incredible reading lists and generous feedback. Matias Viegener, who showed me the value of bringing tenderness into a classroom. Mike Byrant, my pedagogical friend, I learn so much from our continued conversations.
To Marjorie Spain, whose open heart even in the midst of grief served as the kindest touchstone during this process. To Alecia Workman-Manzano for showing me the power of saying no (and the power of really good shoes).
Special thanks to my mentor, Brian Evenson, for the Facebook posts about pet lemon trees, the endless encouragement to get my work into the world, and the most challenging and exacting feedback a writer can get—“Best?”
I want to extend my gratitude to Nelly Reifler, Penny Wolfson, Doug MacHugh, and Fanchon Scheier; you’ve all had a hand in shaping how I create art—thank you.
Special thanks to my mentor (and one of my favorite writers), Mary Morris, who has been telling me since I was nineteen that I was meant to be a writer. I finally listened! You taught me how to craft a perfect sentence and the importance of a daily writing practice. You have been a constant in my adult life and I am so grateful to know you.
Thank you to my fellow writers, for reading and listening and holding me through this process. My Future Ghosts, Char Simpson and Sara Selevitch. Ian Kappos for copyediting an early draft. Erin Khar, for writing the book I wish had existed long ago. Janet Albaugh for your humor and tenacity. Maggie Lange for being my pitching partner and novel buddy.
Special thanks to Rosa Boshier, whose work inspires me, whose friendship has kept me sane, whose intelligence and humor dazzle me.
Endless gratitude to Emily Maloney: I don’t know if I could have gotten through this process without you. Thank you for listening to all my potato feelings, providing pictures of good boi horses, and telling me exactly how to get my shit together.
Thank you to my dear friends—Ally, Suzanne, Kathryn, Mara, Zoe, Anne, Andrea, Lisa Hedgie Enge—the chicken whisperer, Rob Enge, Jenny Finch, Beth Rowe, Brandy Trigueros, Kaili Walker, Leslie Legg, Paul Browde, Simon Fortin, Kim Searcy, John Grau, Darlyn Smith, Debbie O’Brien and Debbie Vosevich.
To Tess and Ilena for loving Sarah for exactly who she was.
Thank you to Jed, without whom school would not have been possible. To Sharon, for your magical house in the woods, for always swimming with us, for showing me the joys of sobriety. To my mom, for filling my life with animals, beautiful art, books, and elven lineage.
To my spouse and dearest friend, Josh—quite simply, you are the best around. You live in every page of this story because your love and puns and coffee held me throughout. Thank you for surrounding this dark with the most radiant light.
And finally, always, my love and gratitude to Sarah for being wild and strong and wily. I would erase every page if it meant having you back.