The thing is I can’t stop thinking about him. The pilot, I mean. Peter.
I should be asleep now, should have dismissed this as a good deed, but that moment when he came to, his hand reaching for me, touching my cheek as if to see if I were real. What am I to make of it?
That fleeting smile, then a whisper. “You saved me.”
I wanted to reach out to him in that moment, tell him that he might very well have saved me. But—there must be a “but” here—we mustn’t speak of such things. (Is this a line I’ve read before? Heard in a play?) At any rate, this is in my head, going round and round from evening until these early hours. We mustn’t speak of such things. Three scotches, and I’m armed for the night. My bravery like that of a soldier. I am a soldier. Ha. What bravery. My war has its own hell.
I will go to him. The reason legitimate enough. Saving a life trumps all, I say. While there I will look him in the eye, I will hold his hand, no, lay my hand on his, and see if it is an angel he sees, or is it me alone, as I am.
Lay your sleeping head my love
Human on my faithless arm
It is Auden who is making sense to me tonight, the only thing making sense. Poetry. What else should make me feel the pain this way. It’s true that it’s pain I feel, as if my heart has already been broken. Why can’t I have hope for this one? Why do I go directly to loss?
Did I kiss him?
I can barely admit it to myself, but it was as if I knew that I would lose him before I even had a chance. He was trying to tell me something. A murmured hallucination, and I leaned into him, our cheeks practically touching, I whispered, “I’m here, what do you need?” Then he was out again and my lips so close I could feel the rough edge of his whiskers, smell the musky oil of his hair. I turned, my lips brushed against his hair, then his skin. I wish I could say I regret it. It was wrong. Improper. But it’s all I have now, and I’m afraid it will be all I have of him. I’m getting melancholic now. I’m drunk. Or maybe not drunk enough. I will go see Peter. With a clear head. I will get back to work on my airplane. At least he has given me that.