Elise stared at the telephone receiver until a loud buzzing reminded her that the party on the other end had hung up and the phone had been off the hook long enough. She replaced the receiver gently and then stared at her hands, finally letting her eyes and her hands travel to her abdomen. The words she had just heard still rang in her head. “The test was positive, Miss Ramsey.”
Positive? The doctor’s words had been clear, but how could she have heard him correctly? Of course, he had warned her of this possibility at her annual checkup earlier that day. The telephone call had only been a confirmation of their earlier conversation. She’d thought of nothing but that warning since she’d left his office.
I told you you’d have great difficulty getting pregnant. I didn’t tell you it was impossible. These things can change as a woman grows older. I’m sure I must have pointed out that if you wanted to be absolutely safe, you’d have to use birth control.”
Elise shook her head as if to rid herself of the truth. Pregnant. Six weeks along, he had estimated. Hadn’t she wondered when her period was late?
No, she hadn’t. Sloane and Clay were leaving in a matter of days. Her periods had been late often enough, especially when she was under stress. She’d had no reason to worry about pregnancy and no symptoms that couldn’t be explained by her unhappiness. She had not considered the fact that a child might be growing inside her. Sloane’s child. Clay’s brother or sister.
Why hadn’t she postponed her appointment until they were gone? Her decision now would be easier. She hadn’t wanted to make the drive into Ocala and miss an afternoon with Sloane, but her doctor was popular and the appointment had been made months before. She had decided to use the travel time to figure out how to say goodbye to him when he left on Saturday.
The trip back home had been a nightmare. Saying goodbye would be easy compared to telling Sloane he was to be a father again. She had refused to accept the diagnosis until the test was completed, but she had known at some deeper level that the phone call would confirm the doctor’s prediction.
Sloane would not believe she hadn’t done this on purpose. And perhaps he was correct. Wasn’t it Freud who’d said there were no accidents? Had she hoped that his seed would find its way deep inside her and give her a part of him to keep forever? Against the odds, had she hoped for the miracle of life, for the miracle of joining herself with Sloane in the unmistakable commitment of a child?
She would never know. She had believed she would never conceive, but she had taken no additional precautions to insure it. She had left the final decision to fate.
A baby. Hers to love. She had loved and let go, loved and let go all her life. But this time she would not have to let go. The child would be hers forever. He or she would grow, move away and live his or her life, but there would be a bond that would never be broken.
Her child.
Sloane’s child, too. The man who never wanted to be a father. The man who had admitted to relief when the wife he hadn’t loved had miscarried. But also the man who yearned for the love of his teenage son, the man who felt cheated because he hadn’t known Clay as a child. A man often at war with himself.
Elise stood and smoothed her skirt nervously. Sloane was coming for dinner. She was faced with two choices. She could tell him about the pregnancy—as his ex-wife had done—accept his obligatory offer of marriage and prepare herself for a life of one-sided love and resentment. Or she could refuse to tell him—as Willow had done—and deny him the chance to learn to love his own child.
Neither possibility was tenable. She couldn’t bear trapping Sloane into marriage, nor could she bear cheating him out of knowing his son or daughter. And as she realized that both choices were impossible, her third choice became obvious.
She would tell Sloane, but not until the baby was born and she was established somewhere else. She couldn’t live in Miracle Springs any longer. Unmarried mothers weren’t considered to be good role models for the youth of the town. She would lose her job, her prestige, her place in the community. She had to leave town, and she had to do it before her pregnancy began to show.
She would move to another part of the country, find a job outside of teaching and set up a good situation for her child. Then, when her life was in order, she would tell Sloane. He would not be obligated to offer marriage, and he would still have the option of getting to know his son or daughter. The choice would be his. She wouldn’t push or plead. If he couldn’t love another child, she would understand. This child would have all her love; she could be father and mother to it.
When a knock sounded on the front door, and Elise realized just how long she had been standing in one place. As she went to open it she realized something else. She was no longer in shock. She was terrified at the coming changes, but more important, she was elated. Growing inside her was the child of the man standing on the other side. Sloane would leave, but no matter where he went, no matter what happened in the future, she would always have a part of him in her life.
When she opened the door, her smile was genuine. She put her arms around Sloane’s neck before he could say a word and kissed him. Then she drew away, and she knew that doing so was the more significant act.
“Let’s pretend I just knocked,” Sloane said, stepping forward to catch her by the waist before she retreated farther. “Instant replay.” He bent and joined his mouth to hers. He encouraged her to part her lips and his tongue tasted them before it moved beyond to meet hers. Elise sighed and allowed him to pull her closer.
“Any man worthy of the name would kill for a greeting like that,” he said finally, after reluctantly pulling his mouth from hers.
“I’m afraid it was the highlight of the evening. I haven’t even started dinner.”
“Let me take you out.”
“No.” She stepped away and held out her hand. “I don’t want to share you with crowds.”
“We could go somewhere romantic and intimate.”
She led him into the kitchen. “We’d have to drive miles to do that. Come help me.”
“Hard day?”
She bit her lip to keep from blurting out an answer she would regret and began to rummage through the refrigerator. “We only had a half day of school today, and I had an appointment in Ocala,” she said finally. “I got home later than I’d intended.”
Sloane took lettuce and cucumbers from her hands and set them on the counter.
“These tomatoes are fresh,” she said, changing the subject. “The father of one of my students grew them in his garden. I’ve got peppers, too.”
“What kind of an appointment?”
“Doctor’s. Routine. How does steak sound? We can broil it.”
“Are you all right?”
Elise felt her heart stop and start up again at double speed. She wet her lips and told him the truth. “I’ve never been better.”
Sloane took the peppers and tomatoes out of her arms and lifted her to stand against the open door. “Dinner sounds great. Why don’t you put some potatoes in the oven to go along with the steak?”
“That’ll take a long time,” she warned.
“My intentions exactly.” He drew her toward him and nudged the refrigerator closed.
And since she had never needed him more than she did at that moment, Elise went willingly into his arms.
“Your father wont let you stay with your aunt and go to school here next year?”
Clay brushed Amy’s curls with his fingertips. They were sitting in the front seat of his father’s car. He had turned sixteen on the twenty-seventh of May, and Sloane had taken him for his driver’s license the next day. The new sensation of power was overwhelming.
“He wants me to come with him,” he said.
“I want you to stay.”
“He’s promised I can come here for Christmas.”
“That’s seven months away!”
“I can count, Amy.”
Amy rested her head on his shoulder and turned her face up to his. “I’m sorry.”
He hugged her against him. “I’m not anxious to leave. You know that.”
“My father says it’s a good thing you’re going.”
“That doesn’t surprise me. What else does he say?”
She hesitated and then giggled. “Something about a chastity belt.”
Clay grinned. “Maybe he’s not so out of it after all.”
“He’s going to be out here any minute to drag me inside.”
He took the hint and turned her so that he could reach her lips. She ended up on his lap with the steering wheel pressed against her back.
“What a difference sixteen makes,” Amy teased finally, pushing Clay away. She slid off his lap and straightened her clothes. “Maybe my father’s right. Maybe it’s a good thing you’re going.”
Clay fingered one bright-gold curl. “I’ll miss you.”
“We can write.”
The front door of Amy’s house slammed, and she swiveled to watch her father stalk down the sidewalk. She opened the door before he reached the car. “I was just coming in, Daddy.”
Bob Cargil peered through the window. “You’ve been out here long enough!”
“Mr. Cargil?”
Bob frowned at Clay, his obvious dislike barely in check. “What?”
“We both care very much about her. We do have that much in common.”
Clay could see the effect the simple statement had on the older man’s face. Little by little Bob’s frown disappeared until the resulting lack of expression was like a chalkboard wiped clean.
“You’re a hard kid to figure out,” Bob said finally.
Amy slid across the seat and stepped out onto the sidewalk. Bob slammed the door, and together he and Amy watched Clay drive away.
There was only one place to say goodbye. Only one way.
On Friday night Elise stood in her bedroom, adjusting the fit of the bathing suit she had bought for the occasion. Her old suit had emphasized the slight fullness of her stomach. The faint bulge was barely noticeable—she hadn’t thought about it herself until the doctor’s diagnosis. Still, someone who was familiar with every curve of her body might be able to tell the difference. Naked, she looked very much the same, but clinging fabric might point out the truth about her pregnancy to Sloane.
To compensate she had a new suit, a blue and red Hawaiian print in a sarong style that softened the lines of her abdomen and the riper curves of her breasts. It set off her tan and the glossy length of her hair, and she covered it with a beach dress in the same pattern.
She was halfway downstairs when she heard Sloane’s knock. He was early for once, and when she opened the door to greet him, Clay was standing by his side. She kissed them both and drew them inside. “Where’s Amy?”
“We’ll pick her up on the way.”
“I’ve got everything packed.”
“I picked up drinks.”
“Champagne,” Clay added.
Elise met Sloane’s eyes without flinching or showing her distress. “Bon voyage.”
“Something like that.” He reached out and smoothed a lock of hair back from her face. The champagne had been an afterthought, and he wished he hadn’t brought it. Tonight was anything but a celebration.
“It’s a good thing there’s a graduation dance at the Inn tonight. The springs would be packed otherwise.” She made her way into the kitchen and began to load Sloane and Clay with food to carry out to the car.
“Actually I thought we could go down the river to a spot I know,” Sloane told her. “But I didn’t realize you were packing all this food.”
Elise knew just what spot he meant. “Well, you’re going to be sitting in a car for days. You can use the exercise to get yourself in shape.”
They managed to take all the food to the car in one trip. Amy was waiting for them in front of her house. Sloane had handed the car keys to his son at Elise’s, and he and Elise had climbed into the back seat. Now they watched as Clay got out to open Amy’s door.
“Polite boy, your son,” Elise murmured. “Much politer than you ever were.”
“Everything a father could want.”
“He’s the brightest student I ever had. If he decides to write, he’s going to be well-known someday.”
“I hope he’s going to be happy someday,” Sloane said cryptically.
“He’s happy now.”
“He tolerates his life. He wants to be free.”
“Don’t we all?” Elise laced her fingers through Sloane’s and squeezed them tight. “Growing up is realizing you’re never free and learning to live with your restrictions.”
He wondered if she was talking about herself or Clay or all of them. “Maybe growing up is learning to rise above restrictions,” he parried.
“We’ve had this argument before.”
“Continuously,” he said with a touch of bitterness.
“Don’t.” She withdrew her hand. “I thought we’d accepted our differences.”
“I’m sorry. This is no time to fight.”
No, this was the time to pretend that everything was fine. She accepted his apology with a nod.
Clay covered the miles to the springs with confidence. He was a good driver, careful, patient, thoughtful. Elise admired his skill and told him so. At the beach they unpacked, distributing the food into four loads. Then Sloane led them down the path to the riverbank.
“This is great,” Amy said with enthusiasm. “How come you never showed us this before?”
Elise spread the quilt she carried on the narrow strip of sand. There was just enough room. “I thought every teenager in Miracle Springs already knew about this place.”
“They’ve been keeping it private,” Clay told Amy, dropping to the quilt to take off his shoes. “Race you to the water.”
In a minute he and Amy were chasing each other into the river.
Sloane watched Clay play. He swam now as if he’d been born to the water. Best of all, he obviously enjoyed it. It was just one of many changes.
“Why didn’t we show this place to them?” Sloane opened the small cooler, pulling out the bottle of champagne.
“Because we didn’t want them doing what we did here. They’re not old enough yet.”
“How old do they have to be?”
“Old enough to realize how much they could hurt each other.”
He stopped work on freeing the plastic stopper from the bottle neck. “Did we hurt each other?”
She stretched out next to him and rolled to her side. “It’s been worth any pain it caused. All of this has.”
“Are you going to be all right, Lise?” He set down the bottle. “Be honest.”
“You don’t have to worry about me.” She wrapped her fingers around the open lapel of his shirt and pulled him down beside her. “I have no regrets.”
“None?”
“None I want to talk about.” She put one finger on his lips to silence his questions. “Do you remember Thanksgiving?” She went on without letting him answer. “I told you then that when it came time for you to go I’d let you. No tears, no recriminations. I’ve known this day was coming. I’m prepared.”
He kissed her finger then brushed it aside. “You have a standing invitation to visit me in Cambridge.”
“Maybe I will.” Neither of them believed her.
“Clay wants to come back for Christmas.” Sloane couldn’t stop himself from continuing the subject although Elise had obviously tried to bring it to a close.
“That would be nice.”
He frowned at her lack of enthusiasm. “I might come too.”
What could she say? That next December she would be in her eighth month of pregnancy and settled somewhere far away? That if Sloane came, he would not find her here? “It’s easier for me to believe this is over than to grasp at straws,” she said at last.
“That’s like you.”
“And it’s like you to criticize me for it.” She sat up and grabbed her knees, staring at the river. “You’re trying to start a fight. It’ll be easier for you to leave if you’re angry with me. I suggest you rise above the inclination.”
Sloane sat up, too, and put his hand on her shoulder. “Is that what I’m doing? Maybe I’m genuinely upset to be saying goodbye.”
“You don’t have to say it, Sloane.”
“What does that mean?”
Elise clamped her mouth shut and shook her head. What was she saying? With all the complications between them, why was she confronting him now?
Sloane’s hand tightened on her shoulder. “What are you saying?”
She shook her head again and wished the conversation had never gone this far.
“I have to say goodbye. I can’t stay here. My life is in Cambridge.”
“Don’t you think I know that?”
“Then what are you saying? That you’ll come with me?” He cupped her chin and turned her face to his. “Do you honestly believe you’d be happy living away from everything you know and care about?”
She wondered how he could have made love to her all these months and not realized that he was what she cared about. He clung to the belief she was still the eighteen-year-old girl who had refused to leave her home for him. That way he could avoid even considering a commitment to her. Sloane was a man who wanted no commitments, and it was that part of him that made it impossible to take the final step with Clay—and that part of him that would hate knowing he was a father yet again.
She decided, having gone this far, that she owed him some of the truth. “I could be happy living anywhere with a man who loved and wanted me always. We both know that man isn’t you.”
In the twilight, Sloane’s expression was difficult to read. Elise thought she saw anger, chased closely by regret. But she couldn’t be sure.
“Maybe it’s easier for you to believe that than to reach out for something you say you want.” He removed his hand and turned back to the water. “I’m going for a swim.”
“We can eat when you get back.”
He stripped off his shirt and shorts and walked to the water’s edge. Then he turned and held out his hand. “Come with me.”
She wanted to refuse. She needed the time away from him to put everything back in perspective. But even as she was about to say no she stood and took his hand.
“I don’t want to spoil this night,” he said.
“Neither do I.”
They walked into the water together, passing Amy and Clay who were on their way out. “Go ahead and start on the picnic,” Elise encouraged them. “Just save us some.”
Clay watched Elise and Sloane swimming toward the middle of the river. “They had a fight,” he said.
“How can you tell?” Amy handed Clay a piece of fried chicken. “Do you want a Coke?”
He nodded. “Watch the way they swim. They’re three feet apart, and they aren’t talking.”
“It’s hard to talk and swim at the same time.”
“Not when you’re in love.”
“Do people their age fall in love? I always thought they got together because they were lonely or something.”
“I think they’ve always been in love. At least Elise loves Sloane. I’m not sure he can love anybody.” Clay punctuated his sentence by turning the Coke can bottom up and drinking most of it in one long swallow.
“He loves you.”
Clay set down his can and began on the chicken. “Are you going to date other people while I’m away? I want you to.”
Amy respected the abrupt change of subject. “Yeah. Did you think I was going to sit around and mope for two years? And you. Are you going to find yourself another girlfriend at that fancy school you’re going to?”
“Probably three or four, now that I know how.”
“I like the three or four bit. Just don’t get too serious about one.”
“I’m already serious about one.”
“Do you think? …” Amy finished her chicken as she contemplated how to ask her question. “Do you think we’ll still love each other when we’re old enough to?”
“We’re old enough now.”
“That’s not what I meant exactly. I don’t feel old enough, not for… well, you know.”
Clay smiled. “It’s funny. The moment I turned sixteen I felt old enough for that.”
“Well if that happens on my birthday, it could be a problem. I’ll turn sixteen while you’re away.”
“There was a guy at Destiny who always used to lecture everybody about the beauties of self-denial. He was kind of a nut. Everybody listened to him and then went right on doing what they pleased. Maybe he had a point, though.”
“Will you wait for me?” Amy wiped her hands on a napkin, taking great care with each finger, not looking at Clay. “I want to be your first. I want you to be my first.”
Clay swallowed hard. “When?”
“When we’re ready. We’ll know, won’t we?”
“I guess we’ll know. I just hope we don’t both get ready when we’re living in different places.” He covered Amy’s hand.
She met his eyes. “Just make sure you get Sloane to let you come back to visit as often as you can.”
“I will.”
“That shouldn’t be too hard. He and Elise are going to want to see each other.”
“I don’t know. They went seventeen years without seeing each other. Who knows, maybe it’ll be another seventeen.”
“What is it that keeps them from getting married?”
“They’re both afraid.”
“That’s dumb. They’re so happy together.”
Clay and Amy turned to watch the two adults who were treading water in the middle of the river. “I sure hope when we’re that age we’ll have more sense,” she said, as Sloane kissed Elise and they disappeared under the water’s surface for a moment. “I don’t ever want to be that messed up.”
Elise came around to the driver’s seat of Sloane’s car and leaned through the window to give Clay a goodbye kiss. “I’ll miss you,” she said, her eyes bright with tears. “Write me.”
“I will.” Clay’s voice was husky.
She stepped back and watched as he drove away. Sloane stood on the sidewalk. When Elise joined him he picked up the empty picnic basket and the quilt and started up the walkway to her house. He paused on the front porch. “Do you want to say goodbye here?” he asked without turning to look at her.
“We’ve been saying goodbye for weeks now. One more real goodbye won’t hurt either of us.”
He turned and held out his hand for her key. In a moment they were inside. “I wanted to make love to you at the river tonight. I’ve never wanted anything that badly before.”
“And how do you feel now?”
“The same.”
The corners of her mouth curled up in a tiny smile. “Will my bed do?”
“The hard floor would do.”
Elise started toward the stairs. “Let’s be comfortable.”
Upstairs they undressed each other slowly. Their agreement was unspoken, and they set out to make their lovemaking last as long as it possibly could. They traced each inch of skin and covered each other with kisses. They teased and played and brought each other to the brink of pleasure time and time again only to withdraw. Finally, even knowing that it was their last time, they couldn’t hold off any longer.
It was over too soon. With her release came tears. Elise pillowed her head on Sloane’s shoulder and allowed them to fall.
“Don’t cry, Lise.” He held her tight.
“It’s all right. It was just so beautiful.” She almost choked on the words. “It’s been so beautiful.”
“It doesn’t have to end. Come with me.”
The room was silent.
He had said the words she most wanted to hear. She had taunted him at the river with his inability to ask her, and yet, he had no idea what her coming would entail. Even with the hope destroying common sense, Elise knew that this was not the time to tell him about their child. Not when they were entwined, body and soul, and unable to think rationally. If she did and he still said he wanted her, she would never know if it was duty, passion or love that had made the decision for him.
“Not now.” She turned on her side so that she could trace his jaw line with her fingers. “I love you, Sloane. I’ve loved our time together. But we both need a chance to see this more clearly.”
“You’re afraid.”
She was. “Yes.”
“Again.” His voice was bitter.
“Yes.” She kissed his cheek.
“God, it’s a repeat of last time.”
“No, it’s not. Please trust me. It’s not the same, Sloane.”
“Then what are you afraid of?”
“Of making a mistake.”
Sloane sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He rose and began to look for his clothes, slipping on his shorts, obviously angry. “Then it is the same. You won’t take the risk. You’re opting for the comfortable, the familiar.”
“I’m just asking for some time.”
“Funny, I’ve heard you ask for that before.”
Elise couldn’t say more without telling him the whole truth. She got out of bed and came around behind him, pressing her body against his. Their unborn child was right between them. “This time you need the time. Think about us, Sloane. If you still want me, I’ll be waiting.”
“Don’t hold your breath.” He turned and placed his hands on her shoulders, shaking her. “Do you know how damned hard it was to ask you to come with me? I knew you’d say no again.”
“I said not now.”
“The first two letters of both words are N-O.”
“Is this where you throw something at me and tell me it’s all I’ll ever have of you if I don’t come?” Elise lifted her chin and stared into his eyes.
The tension left his body. He dropped his hands. “No, this is just where I tell you I’ll miss you.”
“Then maybe we have grown up.”
“I still feel the same inside.”
“I’ll miss you, too.” She bent and picked up his shirt, fingering the soft cotton. She resisted the desire to smooth it against her face. She held it out, and he slipped it on. “Will you do me a favor?”
He shrugged.
“Will you kiss me once and then get out of here before I say something stupid?”
His arms locked around her and the kiss was fierce. When Elise finally opened her eyes. Sloane was gone.