When I found out that my brother was housesitting for my parents for two weeks, all on his own, I did wonder what he would do to amuse himself. I know from spending a few of days there over Christmas that I get very bored, very quickly, and my brother has it way worse rattling around in there on his own for a couple of weeks. That’s why Millsy and I have been dropping in on him, to keep him company. What we walked in on today, however, I was not at all prepared for.
If I thought it was weird when I caught him hiding behind the curtain, ogling the woman next door, nothing could’ve prepared me for what I’ve just walked in on.
‘What the fuck are you doing?’ I ask, confused by the sight of my brother planking across the kitchen sink.
‘Shh! Get down,’ he insists. ‘And turn that light back off.’
I do as instructed, flicking off the light before crouching down on the floor. Millsy follows my lead.
‘So, to repeat my question: what the fuck are you doing?’ I whisper.
My brother shifts his weight a little, clearly finding his post uncomfortable, but not about to leave it unmanned.
‘It’s Weird Ian,’ he tells us. ‘I’ve been spying on him.’
‘Oh my god, you must be bored,’ I laugh. ‘So what’s he been up to?’
My brother stares at me for a moment, and there’s this look in his eye, like he’s not joking.
‘So every night he has these different women in his house with him. I see them moving around the different rooms, through different windows –’
‘Fucking hell, pal. You are bored,’ Millsy laughs. ‘Granted it’s hard to comprehend: Weird Ian with even one woman, let alone multiple birds, but watching them at it is kind of grim.’
‘You didn’t let me finish,’ Woody snaps. ‘They never leave.’
‘Wait, what do you mean?’ I ask, puzzled.
‘I mean that I see these different women in his house, and then suddenly there’s no sign of them moving around. But then I notice Ian hurry out, but no women ever leave.’
‘You’ve lost me, mate,’ Millsy laughs.
‘Look, see that window there?’
We glance where Woody is pointing and notice the silhouette of a woman. She looks tall and her hair is piled up in a big beehive, which only makes her appear taller. Ian is standing next to her, and seems short by comparison. I’m not actually sure if Ian is tall or short because I haven’t really seen him since I was younger. It always seemed like a good idea to keep out of his way, I mean, we call him Weird Ian, for crying out loud. We know what we’re dealing with.
‘So what?’ I ask.
‘Just watch,’ Woody insists.
I am willing to humour my brother, so I do as he asks and watch out of the window. Soon enough the two figures disappear, and then…
‘See, look, Ian leaves the house straight after,’ Woody observes.
I glance at the gap between Ian’s house and his neighbour’s, only to see Ian dashing off in a hurry. That is weird.
‘So, wait, what about the women?’ I ask. ‘When do they leave?’
‘They don’t,’ he tells me. ‘Not ever.’
‘They must do,’ Millsy insists.
‘Nope,’ Woody insists. ‘I watched all night yesterday.’
I feel my eyes widen.
‘OK, intervention,’ I insist, grabbing him by the arm, pulling him down from the worktop. ‘You need some social interaction, you’re going mad here on your own. This is why people throw parties when they housesit, because it’s boring and weird and lonely.’
‘I tried to tell him,’ Millsy insists. ‘He was having none of it.’
‘Actually, I think that’s a very good idea,’ Woody says, shocking us both. ‘I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you both, like the good old days. Plus, Millsy said he’d bring some babes.’
I narrow my eyes at my brother.
‘Erm, do I need to remind you that you’re married?’ I ask rhetorically, although it kind of sounds like he does need reminding. ‘Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?’
Woody laughs.
‘My life is boring, and going out with you guys gave me a glimpse of what a fun life is like. This is my last chance to throw a big stupid party while my parents are away, and while my wife and son are away, so I think we should go for it.’
‘Yes!’ Millsy booms, looking up from his script for a moment. He spends pretty much every free second he has rehearsing, but opening night is very soon, and he hasn’t had as much time as the other actors. That’s why I’ve agreed to help him, because he’s my friend and he needs me. And luckily we both remember the play quite well from school, even if we did only initially join the drama club because we knew you got to skip lessons for rehearsals before big productions.
I think for a moment. Yes, OK, I would love to throw a party, and if they’d left me housesitting I would’ve done just that, but that’s not exactly my brother’s scene. Then again, it’s nice to see him happy.
‘OK, sure, let’s do it,’ I give in, a huge grin spreading across my face. ‘How about Halloween?’
‘Yes!’ Millsy booms, twice as loud as his previous boom. ‘I love to dress up!’
‘That does sound like fun, let’s do it,’ Woody says, clapping his hands. ‘And it just so happens Halloween is on a Saturday this year, so that’s perfect.’
The three of us exchange knowing glances. My brother might not be that much of a party animal, but he knows that I am, and he knows that Millsy is. When we were younger and always getting into trouble, Woody – the little goody two shoes that he was – would hide at the top of the stairs and watch as my parents yelled at me for getting home past my curfew. So even though he’s never really let his hair down, he knows that Millsy and I have this covered.
‘So, what’s the first rule of house-party planning?’ he asks.
‘Don’t have it at your own house,’ I tell him honestly. ‘But we’re beyond that. The second rule is to get loads of booze.’
‘That’s my job,’ Millsy chirps, raising his hand.
‘Then we need lots of cool people to come – I can get on that. Finally, someone needs to hide/bubble-wrap all the valuable/breakable stuff. Bro, that’s your job.’
Woody frowns at the lame task he has been given, but it only lasts a second, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so psyched for anything.
‘Anyway, how are things going with Nick?’ my brother enquires. I think he worries about me, and he makes no secret that he thinks this plan is dumb.
I puff air from my cheeks.
‘It’s like I take one step forward and sixteen steps back! Just when I start making progress, something happens that puts us right back to square one.’
‘Here’s an idea,’ Woody starts. ‘Just tell him how you feel, like a normal person.’
‘Can’t do that,’ I reply, very matter-of-factly. ‘First up, it’s too much of a 180. I can’t be like: “you know how we hate each other? Well I actually quite like you now” can I? Also, he has a girlfriend. And she might be horrible, but I can’t just take her out of the picture. I need Nick to realise that he has feelings for me. I’m not going to trick him into liking me.’
‘You don’t need to trick him,’ Millsy chimes in, ‘but he does need a little gentle persuasion. The Scottish play has served us well so far, right?’
‘Debatable,’ I reply. ‘But go on.’
‘You need to do a Lady Macbeth. Emasculate him.’
Woody and I chuckle.
‘I’m serious,’ Millsy insists. ‘Question his manhood.’
‘I don’t think I’ll get much sense from that either,’ I giggle, causing Millsy to toss a cushion at me.
‘I’m telling you, you make him feel like less of a man, he’ll jump through hoops to prove he is. Try it.’
I look over at my brother, who is laughing with his head in his hands.
‘Oh my God,’ he blurts, sitting upright. ‘I mean, as your ridiculous plan goes, why not, but it’s all stupid.’
I think.
‘You’re like my Lady Macbeth,’ I tell Millsy affectionately.
‘And don’t you forget it,’ he replies.