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Learning to Forgive
It took all the reserve and discipline I had to stop myself from killing her. On a warm day during the summer of 1987, I sat in front of Mother, as an adult, while she explained in ice-cold deliberate detail the time she had stabbed me as a child. It was simply an accident, she calmly stated—as if she had spilled some milk at the breakfast table. One of “those things.” When I failed to anoint her with instant forgiveness, she became upset, giving me a look of displeasure. She went on to justify her treatment against me further by stating, “Well, David, ‘the Boy’ was always in trouble. ‘The Boy’ deserved to be punished. ‘It’ was always stealing food, David. I would have fed ‘It’ if ‘It’ wasn’t stealing so much....” The more Mother sneered while playing another one of her sick games, the more I began to slowly feel myself consumed with an overwhelming sensation of absolute rage. As she continued her diatribe, my blood raced and I began to imagine myself throwing away my “goody-goody,” “that-a-boy” lifestyle of helping others, and for once making someone pay for all the years of torture, mind games, and loneliness; transferring everything onto... Mother—the source of all my hatred.
I could now crystallize in my mind’s eye my exact plan of kidnapping “her,” stripping “her” of every normal sense of existence... as she had me. But now I would do it with even more relish. Since I had lived in a garage and had slept on an army cot with no blanket, I’d have her subsist in a run-down motel out in the middle of nowhere, with no heat, clothing, food, or even electricity. She would survive in total darkness. She would be without any form of human contact, just as I had been as a child when Mother had forbidden me to have any contact with my brothers. As she had used food as a weapon against me, I would only offer her bread and water, which I might or might not give her depending upon my mood. And not one hour of any day would pass that she would not think of me. I wouldn’t kill her, but rather I’d let her mind kill her for me. I wouldn’t want her to die instantly—not after all the those years when, as a child, I had existed solely as the object of her sick pleasure—no, I imagined to myself. I wanted her to feel the magnitude of what she had done to me.
Then afterward looking at Mother as she rambled on, full force, about how I had been such a burden to her and how I’d had to be put in my place, it struck me that I could simply... tell the authorities that . . . I had freaked out . . . from some sort of childhood posttraumatic stress. If that line worked for all the other scumbags of the universe, why shouldn’t I be entitled to it? My body, which had turned ice cold before I had entered Mother’s house, now seemed warm. I could do it, I stated to myself. I’d have my revenge! I could become—become like her!

The Need to Listen Better

All of us have said and have had wrongful thoughts during the heat of the moment. We’ve lashed out at our parents, our loved ones, and those at work. And I’m sure most of us regret what we may have said and the pain our actions and words may have caused. With the exception of those who are truly mentally ill, I don’t believe any of us want to hurt others or carry feelings of animosity, but for some of us, particularly those who have experienced difficulty, especially if we feel we have been wronged, these feelings of bitterness may be hard to reconcile with. The truth of the matter is, those who do not deal with these feelings are almost destined to become what they detest.
For some of us these feelings of hostility may begin with something as simple as a disagreement or misunderstanding. Years ago in college the professor of my communication course taught something that sticks with me to this day—the four basic elements of communication: 1) the Messenger, 2) the Message, 3) the Receiver, and 4) the Feedback. Within these four distinctive elements is the opportunity to become confused or frustrated, especially if you put into the equation of communication that seventy percent of all communication is nonverbal, primarily referring to body language, and that twenty-three percent of all communication is pitch, tone, and the rate of the message’s delivery; which only leaves about seven percent of what is actually being said. Seven percent! The biggest problem facing us as individuals, whether dealing with the opposite sex, one on one, with groups, organizations, or other nations or cultures, is miscommunication! Think about it: How many times have you been with a loved one, or with a coworker, or on a date, and everything seemed fine, right up until the moment you may have said or communicated the wrong message at the wrong time? You’re not the only one! To this day I cannot tell you how many millions of times I have done just that. (Just ask my family.) Then, you desperately try to undo what you have already done, only to bury yourself further. Because of the miscommunication, now add the frustration we may be feeling until we’re not sure what to say or do next. We doubt ourselves. Or we may not trust the actual message we are in receipt of—the messenger or the feedback we had anticipated. The biggest single component in miscommunication is we simply do not listen! Whether it’s the messenger, the message, or the feedback, we do not consider what is being stressed to us. This statement rings particularly true for those we are the closest to. At times we brush off those we know and who understand us the most for reasons of complacency. At times we will take in information provided by others whom we do not know as well, even though both elements of the information are the same. We simply choose not to listen.
As the world around us continues to accelerate and as America has become more ensconced as the information capital of the world, it’s easy to misinterpret the exact context of everything being thrown our way.

Lowering Your Defenses

When it comes to miscommunication, I have found that for some people the frustration stems from something simple—someone may have looked at us the wrong way or said the wrong thing to us. Again, the key words are may have. (Keep in mind those four elements and how we neglect to listen.) Over time this unresolved apprehension builds. I have personally been in situations in which I have met individuals who are highly agitated, yet they do not remember the reason why. All that these people know is they are upset; and for them that’s all that matters. Once I joked with a person who was upset with someone by asking that person, “How long have you been mad at so-and-so?” “I’ve been pissed at so-and-so for over thirty-five years!” came the reply. “Well,” I said, nodding my head, “that’s amazing. So-and-so is only twenty-eight!” “Don’t matter!” my companion countered. “That’s how mad I am!”
We’ve all done it. All of us have judged others in the blink of an eye and processed that information before storing it into our “CD-ROM” for future reference. Then, every time we see that person or think of that particular element, like eating that one vegetable we’ve hated ever since we were a kid, we reopen that file that’s been stored away in our brain, basing our attitude on our former judgment. (Remember the old saying about how others judge us based upon the first impression?) In other words, we have a tendency to misjudge. Have you ever met someone, then a split second later you knew you didn’t like that person until you processed the information being presented to you differently, then you lowered your defenses by either relaxing or dropping your guard? Over time, if you do not change your attitude, if you keep your defenses up at maximum guard, you may find yourself continually becoming upset for really no justifiable reason—all from a simple misunderstanding.
Another example is: Have you been so upset that the words seemed to fly out of your mouth? Words you didn’t truly mean? And as they spilled out, you wished you could have swallowed those words? But for some reason you kept your guard up; for above all you did not want to appear weak. Part of you knows that if you had apologized or explained yourself better, the matter could have been resolved, but seconds pass, then minutes, until a disagreement or misunderstanding goes unresolved and turns into revenge or defensiveness.
Most of us, myself included, always seem to hurt the ones we love, or the ones close to us—our significant others, our children, parents, family members, those at work, or our best friends. A psychologist I know once told me, “We take out our aggressions on those we know because we believe we can.” Has this ever happened to you? I’m in a heated disagreement with my wife—the one person I am closest to, the one person on this planet whom I adore, who knows every aspect of my complex nature, my lover, my best friend, the only person I trust with all my heart—but in a disagreement I want nothing more than to prove how wrong she is! We banter back and forth, not listening to what either of us is trying to convey, but rather focus our efforts on wanting the other to hear our opinion. Time passes, frustration builds, hurtful things are said, and the issue goes unresolved. Neither one of us lowers our guard. I persist, determined to show my wife, my lover, my best friend, the only person I trust, the one person I wish to spend the rest of my life with, how tough I am, how hurt I have become. “Hell,” I say to myself, “I’m so mad at her, I‘m—I’m not gonna breathe for a week. I’m—I’m not gonna talk to her for the rest of the day... and night! I’m never going to talk to that woman again! Yeah, I might lose a good night’s sleep, but every time I see her, I’ll fire off some wise-cracks just so she knows how much she’s hurt me. I’m going to show her!”
Now, apply that same example toward your children—the ones who made your eyes light up when they took their first steps or made you feel such pride when you saw them in the school play. Think about your parents or guardians, those adult figures whom you felt inspired by, or that one mentor you ran to when you felt the world was going to end. Do you remember that single defining moment when that person in front of you became your best friend, your lifelong soulmate whom you shared everything with and had the best of times with by simply being together? But now you feel, for whatever reason, those people who had such a profound effect on your life, you are no longer as close as you once were. Maybe you grew in different directions, maybe you saw things differently, maybe that one disagreement became the straw that broke the camel’s back, and now, with time, pride, ego, shame, resentment, or defensiveness, it keeps you from resolving the matter.
In the example of my wife and me, because we did not listen, coupled with our charged emotions, we allowed our disagreement to get the better of us. Eventually we both felt embittered and hurt. Finally, with cooler heads, when my wife and I both sat down, when we listened, we discovered that the issue that had made us both upset was not as bad as it had seemed during the heat of our disagreement. After making up we both forgot what it was exactly that had upset us in the first place. The element that matters is both Marsha and I do our best to resolve our issues as soon as possible, before time or an embroiled attitude can amplify the situation. Working together as a couple, like my son and me, like countless others, we try our best not to allow the sun to set without trying to find some form of resolution to whatever may be troubling us. I may not solve all the problems with my son who, let’s say, is adamant about dying his hair orange, but I will still hug him good-night and tell him how much I love him. My reference is almost like the one I read some time ago that stated: A couple should never bring their argument into the sanctuary of their bedroom. As stressed in Chapter One, if we have an unresolved issue, over time those feelings may not only consume us but may even give rise to further problems.
Even with the “best of friends,” the “perfect parents,” the “perfect marriage,” the “greatest job,” or the “greatest clients” in the world, if there were two people stranded on a deserted island they would eventually get on each others’ nerves. As long as there is more than one person in the world, there will always be trouble in paradise. I am only trying to stress the importance of solving an issue before it comes to a head; before it leads to anger, outrage, or brews into feelings of hatred.
Not to get on my soapbox, but I cannot begin to tell you how many people I have met, how many folks I have known over the course of my life, who have wasted, and I do mean wasted, a large part of their time, energy, and life force proving to that person, that parent, that boss, or whoever else, how wrong they were. Can you imagine being on your deathbed when you finally forgave that person or brought closure to that issue that had dominated your life for so long? With all due respect to you: that in itself would be a tragedy.
In May of 1991, while in Salt Lake City visiting a relative, out of the blue I received a distressing phone call from Mother. The next day I rushed over and saw a person I could barely recognize. Slumped in the same worn-out recliner chair in which I’d seen her in the summer of 1987 was the person who had tried to take out her revenge on me, but had now become a victim of her own hate. Her halfhearted smile only exposed Mother’s darkened yellow teeth. Her face was puffy and dark red and her once shiny, perfume-scented hair was now greasy and matted against the sides of her face. Mother claimed she would cry out in pain whenever she tried to walk because her feet were so swollen. Unless Mother clasped her hands, they would constantly shake.
Mother’s hygiene reflected the appearance of her home. After surveying her unkept living room, I sensed Mother knew she didn’t have much time left. After a few hollow pleasantries, with glee Mother quickly launched into her never-ending rants about how her mother had done this to her, that to her, how hard, cruel, and unfair life was for Mother. Building on her own tempo, Mother went on to boast, “I’ll tell you what! I showed your grandmother. I showed her! She can’t control me! No one, no one’s gonna tell me what to do. Not now, not ever!”
Whatever feelings of shame or anger that had bubbled to the surface before I came face to face with Mother once again, slowly washed away. All I could do was nod my head at the end of Mother’s diatribes. I was in no way agreeing with what she said, but rather educating myself that this was a complete waste of Mother’s time, energy, and life. A majority of her life, from what I had seen for over twenty-five years, was built on revenge and hate. Finally, after expelling her frustrations, for a rare fleeting moment Mother dropped her defenses and I was able to see through her facade and how absolutely broken and completely lonely Mother had become. All I could say to myself was what a waste. More than ever, I renewed my vow to not travel down the same path as Mother had.

Never Go to Bed Upset

This is why when I work with teenagers, whom I address as “young adults,” I often joke with them, stressing, “Never never go to bed upset! If you’re that annoyed with your parents, if you feel the need, burst through their bedroom door, march up to them, and state, ‘Mother, Father, I know you may be concerned about my spiky green hairdo, outrageous loud music, and my neurotic friends. But it’s gonna be okay. I love you. I know right from wrong; I just want to be my own person. Not to worry, it’s gonna be fine!’ ” If you’re a teenager and you act like a child, you will be treated as a child. If, however, you wish to be treated as a young adult, take some accountability, and understand that in life when dealing with others—no matter who it is you’re dealing with or how old you are—it’s a matter of give and take: in order to have “this” you have to be willing to give up “that.” So, when talking to your parents or guardians, don’t beat around the bush, but get right to it; whether it’s about dating, insecurity, sex, peer pressure, school, whatever. Lower your defenses and open up your heart. Even if you or your parents say something in the heat of the moment, I implore you not to develop the attitude and shut them out. Don’t use your frustration as a way of getting back at them—I’m gonna show them a thing or two; I’m gonna date him/her ’cause I know it’s going to drive my parents crazy! I’m gonna do whatever I please, whenever I please! If you begin to act in such a way, it may become a habit, which can become a lifestyle of self-destruction, and don’t you deserve better than that? And, who are you really hurting? All I’m trying to say is as a young adult, before you develop that kind of attitude, think long and hard about the consequences of your decisions and where they can lead you to in the future.
Think of my mother! Here’s a person who somehow got caught up in her own unresolved issues, developed that I’m-gonna-show-her! attitude that led to a destructive rampage, until she wasted her life by all the hell she put everyone and herself through right up until the moment she finally died.
After assisting others for over sixteen years, I have found that most parents/guardians are just plain scared when it comes to raising you. They simply don’t want you to repeat the same mistakes they have made and desire for you to have the opportunity to live a better life. That’s it! They want you to succeed! Some are even scared to death with all the temptation “out there.” Those who’ve raised you are terrified of something bad happening to you. Think about it from their position: You are in the most important stage of your life, transitioning into adulthood or what others call “breaking away.” For a lot of parents and guardians it’s an impossible balancing act of trying to protect you from the atrocities of the world, while trying to prepare you for what’s on the outside as well. My advice: Use your head, keep your cool, give them respect, and act accordingly. You will make a lot of mistakes (that’s how you learn in life), and your parents or guardians know this. But don’t lose yourself in the process. At the end of the day, when you go to bed upset or feeling vengeful, ask yourself this: Who am I really hurting?
Parents/guardians, if you find you are having a hard time getting through to your teenager, even when things seem grim keep the channels of communication open. Break down any barrier you can. Maintain your standard while relating with these young adults at their level. I have found that, as much as teens crave independence, they still desire nurturing guidance. Even when things seem volatile, as best as you can lower your defenses and speak from your heart. If possible, relate to them on a personal, not parental, level. Reveal your feelings of anxiety, elements of your past, and anything that can help alleviate any tension. Such as the type of clothes you wore at their age, the kind of music your parents thought was either smutty, ear shattering, or “satanic,” or how strange your friends were at the time. As upset as they may be, and as much as you may disagree with your teenager, explain to them the importance of their choices, where their decisions can lead them, and most importantly end your discussion on a positive note.
You can use the same approach when dealing with those at work. I know of so many who dedicate their time and energy on either getting even or the I’ll-show-them! attitude, to the point of sabotaging the business and themselves in the process. So, when a disagreement or problem arises, rather than brushing it aside and hoping for the best, take a stand and set a standard as a leader by addressing the situation as expeditiously as possible. Investigate all options that may be available to find a solution to the dilemma while trying to maintain the morale of those around you. I believe team members do not mind a serious critique, so long as they are treated with respect. A great deal of productivity can be saved when issues are solved before feelings of animosity take root.

Compromise

Rather than hold a grudge and waste your time hashing over who did what to whom, get to the core of the frustration. If necessary, be the bigger person—compromise and give a little. Don’t shut that person down. Don’t let powerful, negative emotions get the best of you. Open your heart and make an effort to resolve the situation as best as you can. Even if the issue is not totally resolved, at least you’ll have less gnawing at you, you’ll feel a little bit cleansed by trying to work through it, and you will be less likely to harbor ill feelings. Again, life is not perfect. Not all situations are black and white, to be solved like they are at the end of a sitcom television show. Next time when you find yourself in the middle of a disagreement, instead of proving yourself give a little. When dealing with those close to me, I have learned that sometimes the smallest things—a touch, hug, or a kind word—can make a world of difference. Resolve the matter before it envelopes you. Before your feelings become ensconced... and perhaps lead to hate.

The Cancer of Hate

Of all the lessons I have been fortunate enough to learn, the single most powerful, most important one is: Hate no one! If you get nothing else from this book, please, I beg of you, take this advice with you. As a child, I saw firsthand how much my mother hated everyone and everything. I can only assume her hatred began with some unresolved issue from her past. She then turned her anger against her mother, her husband, my brothers, her brother and his family, her dearest and closest friends, and, for whatever reason, her hatred nearly killed me, her own son. As a young boy I saw how quickly Mother’s feelings of animosity went from one person to another, then another, until it spread to everything connected in her life.
I believe hate is like cancer: it can spread and kill a person, one “life cell,” one day, at a time. If hatred goes unchecked it can take over one’s life, as it did to my mother and others like her. If you hate today, it’s easier for you to hate tomorrow, then the next day and the next, until you’ve wasted your entire life by becoming dominated by what you detested in the first place. The only cure for the cancer of hatred is dealing with the problem as best as you can, while releasing any animosity you may have. My question to you is: How can you live a productive life and all that goes with it, if you are controlled by intense feelings such as hate? Personally, I don’t call that much of a life.
I recently read an article in a national magazine that addressed the issue of letting go of hate. The article made reference to Mitchell Wright, the widower of Shannon Wright, a teacher who was killed at the school shooting in Jonesboro, Arkansas. Before Shannon died she said to Mitchell, “Take care of Zane,” their baby boy. While there may be some who would probably say Mitchell has every reason to hate those who have caused such great pain and loss in his life and his son’s life, it is Mitchell who said, “If you let the hate and anger build in you, that’s a very strong sin. I need to be able to totally forgive. Well, if I lose it, then I can’t take care of Zane.”
The same article also discussed a study at the Temple-ton Foundation Campaign for Forgiveness Research where psychotherapists stated that the psychological effects of forgiveness help dissipate anger, improve personal relationships, and help banish depression. The feature then quoted Charlotte Witvliet, a professor in psychology at Hope College, who suggests, through her extensive studies, that we may hold grudges”. . . because that makes us feel like we are more in control and we are less sad.” Like others in her field who believe in empathy, Ms. Witvliet continues, “If you are willing to exert the effort it takes to be forgiving, there are benefits both emotionally and physically.”
With all the animosity that seems to resonate within our society, I cannot overemphasize the power of forgiveness. In all the years I have assisted others, I have never met anyone who woke up with the sole intention of overdosing on drugs or alcohol, killing themselves, or hurting others. Something led them to it. While there are some who adamantly made excuses, I’ve found that most of these people believe that a series of events, coupled with deep frustration, led them to their course of action. Unresolved issues, bad situations, and feelings of animosity over time became a habitual lifestyle. These individuals, like my mother, became consumed with their own hate.
I think of my mother’s life as a tragedy. Before things became very bad between us, I remember her as a beautiful, caring woman who wanted nothing more than to live for her children. As a child I used to pray for my mommy to wake up from her drunken state and take me in her arms so we could live happily ever after. Yet, as the years passed, I knew something had a hold over my mother’s goodness. She pushed down whatever feelings troubled her, became addicted to alcohol, and ultimately treated me as she did. A lot of people are quick to state that it was because she was simply an alcoholic. I think Mother drank, like others who abuse drugs or alcohol, largely to mask whatever was gnawing at her.
At the time when Mother was raised, America was far more restricted than it is today, especially for women. During my mother’s time there was little help or professional guidance available for her.
I am not making excuses or defending my mother’s actions, but what can you take with you, what can you learn from my mother’s calamity and others like her? Right now, YOU have a choice. In this informational age that we live in there are infinite resources to help you work through practically any issues that seem to be pulling you down. And because our society is becoming more open, we can talk about things—AIDS, cancer, child abuse, spousal abuse, sexual preferences, just to name a few—that we would not only never have uttered in public, but deliberately kept in the closet just a short time ago. As an individual you have the power to choose. You can either work through your anxieties or become a slave to them, like my mother. Like a lot of things in life, dealing with frustration or feelings of animosity is not going to be easy. But you deserve a life of happiness and the opportunity to do whatever you want, rather than dread and sorrow that you will have to live with the rest of your days.
When I worked in juvenile hall, I would see teenagers who would often hurt others in the exact manner in which they had been harmed, but with far more cruelty and relish. When I asked them why, the reply I usually received was “I want them to feel what I felt and then some, so I won’t be hurt again!” When does it end? How much does it take? How tough do we have to act, how much pain do we have to inflict on others, how much of ourselves do we have to lose in order to prove ourselves to others? After mankind has been. on this planet for thousands of years, fighting endless wars, and with the millions upon millions who have died, the world is not enough. For some, all the hatred they keep locked away in their hearts will never satisfy whatever ails them. As tough as they may act, as much pain as they may inflict on themselves and others, as much as they may lose themselves in denial, drugs, booze, or instant-gratification relationships, the frustration and anger will always dominate their lives. I believe you deserve better than that!
Do not become trapped by your hatred. My mother died a very lonely person. When I was very young, I thought Mother was the epitome of regal—the way she smiled when she strolled into a room, the sound of her soothing voice—she was my princess mommy. The most outgoing, caring person with a perfect house, prized flower garden, and model family. Yet, her anger toward herself, then directed toward others, made her into an unkempt, overweight alcoholic, living in a house that I can only describe as vile. Alone, the only contact she had with the outside world was basically whatever she saw on television. As lonely as Mother became, she would, at least when I saw her, instantly recite how she had been wronged in her life. Her body would shake and her face would turn crimson as she would recite how much she detested everyone and everything in her life. Think of it: a lifetime wasted. Minute after minute, day after day, year after year... wasted. A person with unresolved issues, who became trapped by her own hate.

Forgiveness

I am always asked if I hate my mother. Without hesitation I respond with a resounding no! I saw firsthand, through the eyes of a bewildered child, the changes within Mother and the damage they inflicted on my brothers, my father, others, and me. As a child, the time I spent sitting on top of my hands at the base of the staircase in the dark garage gave me time to think. During one of those lonely hours, I came to realize that if Mother’s hate had made her as she was, then I would be different.... I had to be different. At times when she would beat me to the point I could not even crawl away, I vowed to be nothing like her. While in foster care, some of my teenage friends would either cop out or quit on themselves at any kind of minor obstacle that was in their path or immediately flare up and act tough. Some of them tried to drown the pain and animosity by picking on others, or with drugs and alcohol. Eventually some of them became slaves to their outlets and found themselves being controlled all over again.
Even now, as an adult, I come in contact with so many people who are still tied to their past partly because of their unpleasant emotions. I have a dear friend, Barbara, who years ago was happily married. But after ten years the union ended in divorce. That was nearly twenty years ago, and whenever I spoke to her, after we would . exchange initial salutations, I could sense her breathing accelerating and the slight change in her voice as she exploded into the phone, ranting about how her ex-husband had done this or did that, until she became so worked up that I feared she might have passed out from hyperventilation. Barbara would become so upset and lost in her berating that she’d forget she’d been complaining to me about the exact same things for almost two decades! She would “loop”; her mind would just run in circles. For Barbara it seemed to never end. Over the years Barbara had spent more time and energy putting down her former husband than she had spent being married to him.
Once, after Barbara calmed down, I gently reminded her that, as a couple, they had spent some good times together, at least enough to have stayed married for ten years and had two beautiful children whom they both adore. Yet I think Barbara, without knowing, as most of us do when intimate feelings are involved, got caught up in taking a stroll down vengeance lane for so long that it became a habitual response whenever she thought of her former husband. Unlike my mother, Barbara is a caring, functional, responsible person who, once she became aware of her vindictive emotional state, began to forgive her former husband and move on with her life.
When I stress forgiveness, I do so mainly to encourage freeing yourself. To me, forgiveness does not mean forgetting what may have happened to or against you. And, like grieving, forgiveness takes time just like any emotion. Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight. But with time, maturity, and a different perspective we can free ourselves of emotions that can only lead to great suffering.
Noted psychologist Bernie Zilbergeld echoes my thoughts. Mr. Zilbergeld states: “Holding a grudge is one of the most self-destructive things you can do. If you want to have a happy life, you have to move on and let go.”
Today my mother, I believe with all my heart, is in heaven and finally resting in peace. Not a day passes that I do not think of her. I believe she was a person who carried so much pain within the deepest recesses of her heart. Maybe I had to learn from Mother’s unfortunate lifestyle how not to live my life.
In forgiving my perpetrator, I feel cleaner. It frees me to not only live a more fulfilled life, but, more importantly, to rid myself of any animosity. I am able to love my wife, my son, and life all the more. When we elect to hate, we not only lose our compassion for others but we lose ourselves in the process. Keep in mind that for someone to hurt you, someone must have hurt them too.
Hate no one. Get closure with the person you need to forgive. Pick up that phone, talk to that person, write that letter even if you never mail it. Hug that person. Lower your defenses. Listen with your heart and an objective mind. Just do whatever you have to do to expel those bad feelings from your system. Every day, wipe your slate clean.
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To me, getting rid of the garbage in our lives is like taking out the daily trash. Every day we toss out rotten food, used newspapers, and, for some, those soiled diapers we don’t want to touch with a ten-foot pole. But, once we do, we wash our hands and never give it a second thought. Yet, somehow we allow the psychological garbage from our lives to rot away our esteem... day after day after day. To keep ourselves from deteriorating, we need to look at our situations for what they were, take some form of action now, and let the past go.
If you harbor ill feelings, if you stay in a negative environment and do not deal with troubling situations, you can only go so far in life. You may have the world in the palm of your hand, but at the cost of running away from yourself. Every day when you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, you will see yourself as who you truly are and the baggage and disparity you carry—every day for the rest of your life. You will be so busy with all the troubles of your world, you will lose sight of what truly matters in your life. Again, I ask you: With all that you have experienced and as unhappy as you may be, don’t you deserve better than that? I believe you do!
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HELP YOURSELF REMINDERS
* LISTEN NOT ONLY TO WHAT IS BEING SAID, BUT TO THE MESSAGE BEHIND THE WORDS.
* LOWER YOUR GUARD.
* CONSTANTLY DO YOUR BEST TO RESOLVE WHATEVER PROBLEMS YOU HAVE.
* COMPROMISE, AT LEAST JUST ENOUGH TO MAKE THINGS BETTER.
* HATE, JUST LIKE CANCER, IF NOT DEALT WITH EARLY ON, KILLS ONE DAY AT A TIME.
* FORGIVENESS ALLOWS YOU TO BE CLEANSED AND HELPS TO EASE YOUR PAIN.
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