Four Pigeons
Steve and Raymond the pigeons sat on the gutter at the back of the house looking down into the garden. As they watched, a woman came out of the house and tipped some food onto the bird table. As soon as she turned away a crowd of sparrows and starlings flew down from the trees and began fighting and squabbling over the food. The noise was terrific with birds flapping and shouting at each other, pushing and shoving and swearing for all they were worth. Hardly had a bird got a single mouthful before it was being attacked by another.
‘See that down there,’ said Steve.
‘What?’ said his brother Raymond. Steve wasn’t actually sure if Raymond was his brother or just another pigeon, but he thought they probably were brothers because they looked so alike. Raymond thought the opposite.
‘That food,’ said Steve.
‘You’re thick, you are,’ said Raymond, for no apparent reason.
‘Well, if I’m thick,’ said Steve, ‘then you’re thicker.’
‘Am not,’ said Raymond.
‘Are too,’ said Steve.
‘Not,’ said Raymond.
‘Are,’ said Steve.
‘Not.’
Steve said nothing for a bit and then threw himself at Raymond who fell off the gutter. The two birds flapped and crashed at each other until they landed on the bird table scaring all the other birds away.
‘Look at all this food,’ said Steve and started pecking away at a large currant bun with green mould on the edges.
‘You’re fat, you are,’ said Raymond.
‘Well, if I’m fat,’ said Steve, ‘then you’re fatter.’
‘Am not,’ said Raymond.
‘Are too,’ said Steve.
‘Not,’ said Raymond.
‘Are,’ said Steve.
‘Not.’
Steve pecked at his bun for a bit and then threw himself at Raymond who fell off the bird table. The two birds flapped and fought until they ended up in the bushes. The sparrows and starlings who had flown off when the pigeons had come crashing down went back to their own battle on the table and carried on with their breakfast.
The two pigeons fluttered out of the bush and sat on a branch getting their breath back.
‘You’re unhealthy, you are,’ said Raymond, between taking deep breaths.
‘Well, if I’m unhealthy,’ puffed Steve, ‘then you’re unhealthier.’
‘Am not,’ said Raymond.
‘Are too,’ said Steve.
‘Not,’ said Raymond.
‘Are,’ said Steve.
Steve said nothing for a bit and then threw himself at Raymond who fell off the branch. The two birds fluttered at each other in the grass but they were so exhausted by now they could hardly hop off the ground.
‘Do you ever get the feeling that this has all happened before?’ said Raymond.
‘No,’ said Steve.
‘Well, neither do I then,’ said Raymond.
‘I bet you do,’ said Steve.
‘Don’t.’
‘Well, why did you say it then?’ said Steve.
‘Er, because I thought you did,’ said Raymond.
‘Well, I don’t,’ said Steve.
Raymond crept under a twig and fluffed up his feathers. He shut his eyes and thought about sleeping. Steve stood and watched him and wondered how they could be so different. He was slim and clever while Raymond was fat and stupid. He was cool and handsome while Raymond was angry and ugly. It was amazing how unlike two brothers could be.
Raymond wondered how two pigeons could be so different. He was clever and slim while Steve was stupid and fat. He was handsome and cool while Steve was ugly and angry. It was obvious that there was no way they could be brothers.
‘What was your mother called?’ he said.
‘Mum,’ said Steve.
‘Liar,’ said Raymond. ‘That’s what my mother was called.’
‘Well, we’re brothers,’ said Steve. ‘We’ve got the same mother.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Raymond. ‘Look how different you are from me.’
‘Well, if I’m different,’ said Steve, ‘then you’re differenter.’
‘Am not,’ said Raymond.
‘Are too,’ said Steve.
‘Not,’ said Raymond.
‘Are,’ said Steve.
‘Not.’
Steve said nothing for a bit and then fell over.
Rebecca and Liz the pigeons sat on the gutter at the back of the house looking down into the garden. There were two other pigeons fighting on the lawn. They puffed out their chests and flapped at each other like a couple of over-stuffed cushions.
‘See that down there?’ said Rebecca.
‘What?’ said Liz.
‘Those two idiots down there,’ said Rebecca.
‘How long have you had that bald patch?’ said Liz.
‘What bald patch?’ said Rebecca. ‘I haven’t got a bald patch.’
‘Yes, you have,’ said Liz. ‘On the back of your head.’
‘Well, if I’m bald,’ said Rebecca, ‘then you’re balder.’
‘Am not,’ said Liz.
‘Are too,’ said Rebecca.
‘Not,’ said Liz.
‘Are,’ said Rebecca.
‘Not.’
Rebecca said nothing for a bit and then threw herself at Liz who fell off the gutter. The two birds flapped and crashed at each other until they landed on the bird table scaring all the other birds away.
‘Look at all this food,’ said Rebecca and started pecking away at a brown potato.
‘You’re fat, you are,’ said Liz.
‘I know,’ said Rebecca. ‘I’m much fatter than you.’
‘Are not,’ said Liz.
‘Am too,’ said Rebecca.
‘Not,’ said Liz.
‘Am,’ said Rebecca.
‘Not.’
Rebecca pecked at her potato for a bit and then threw herself at Liz who fell off the bird table. The two birds flapped and fought until they ended up in the bushes. The sparrows and starlings who had flown off when the pigeons had come crashing down, went back to their own battle on the table and carried on with their breakfast.
The two pigeons fluttered out of the bush and sat on a branch getting their breath back.
‘Hey, girls,’ said Raymond. ‘Come on now. You’re behaving like a couple of kids.’
‘Yeah,’ said Steve, ‘that’s no way for ladies to carry on.’
‘What!’ exclaimed Rebecca. ‘And what do you two think you’ve been doing for the last half an hour?’
‘What are you talking about?’ said Raymond.
‘You two,’ said Liz. ‘You’ve been at it like a couple of stupid kids.’
‘Have not,’ said Steve.
‘Have too,’ said Liz.
‘Have not,’ said Raymond.
‘Have,’ said Rebecca.
‘Not.’
Liz and Rebecca said nothing for a bit and then threw themselves at Raymond and Steve. The four birds jumped at each other, puffing themselves up as big as they could and calling each other every rude name they could think of. Rabbits covered their children’s ears as they hurried by and ants ran for their lives. Feathers flew everywhere until at last the four birds stood exhausted and panting in a circle of trampled grass.
‘Let that be a lesson to you,’ said Steve.
‘Yeah,’ said Raymond. ‘Just you watch it or we’ll sort you out again.’
‘You sort us out,’ laughed Liz. ‘Get real.’
‘Come on, girls,’ said Steve. ‘Be honest, we won.’
‘Yeah,’ said Raymond. ‘We let you off because you’re girls.’
‘You’re unbelievable,’ said Liz.
‘Well, if we’re unbelievable,’ said Steve, ‘then you’re unbelievabler.’
‘No such word,’ said Rebecca.
‘Is too,’ said Steve.
‘Isn’t,’ said Raymond.
‘Is,’ said Liz.
‘Not.’
Steve and Raymond said nothing for a bit and fell over again. When they got up Rebecca and Liz had gone.
‘Women, eh?’ said Steve.
‘Yeah,’ said Raymond.
‘Yeah.’
‘Still, I thought the bald one was pretty,’ said Raymond.
‘Not as pretty as the other one,’ said Steve.
‘Was too,’ said Raymond.
‘Was not.’