Ffiona the Shrew

Ffiona the shrew was nervous. Not for any special reason, but because she was a shrew and shrews are always nervous. From the very second they are born to the day they die they are nervous. That’s what being a shrew is all about, from the minute they wake up, until they fall asleep at night they are nervous. And even then it doesn’t stop, because in their dreams they are nervous too. Other animals, and people too, do wild and wonderful things in their dreams but not shrews. They just dream about more ways of being scared.

‘Not that I dream very often,’ said Ffiona.

‘Why not?’ said her sister Jjoice.

‘I’m too nervous,’ said Ffiona.

‘What, too nervous to dream?’ said Jjoice.

‘No, too nervous to go to sleep,’ said Ffiona.

‘Well, we’re all nervous, dear,’ said her brother Ssamson. ‘That’s what being a shrew is all about.’

‘Well, it’s hardly suprising,’ said Ffiona. ‘I mean, well, I mean, look at all the awful things there are in the world.’

‘Like what?’ said Ssamson.

‘All the noise, all that stuff,’ said Ffiona. ‘All the roar of the grass growing and the flowers opening.’

‘My goodness,’ said the other shrews. ‘You really are nervous.’

‘Even more nervous than my Great Uncle Nernernornorman,’ said Jjoice, ‘and he was frightened of his own fur. He thought it would grow so long while he was asleep that it would suffocate him.’

‘He was quite right,’ said Ffiona. ‘You have to be careful how you curl up too, or else your tail might strangle you.’

‘Oh, come on,’ said Bbasil. ‘Get real.’

Bbasil wasn’t like the other shrews. By comparison to them he was brave and fearless. Bbasil had been to the end of the garden and he had been inside a paper bag with his eyes open. Bbasil was a legend among shrews and naturally all the others were nervous of him. Bbasil was so brave he was even thinking of calling himself Basil.

‘It’s true,’ said Ffiona. ‘My aunt Ddaisy was killed by her own claws. She fell asleep somewhere too warm and they grew so fast they stabbed her to death before she could wake up.’

‘Rubbish,’ said Bbasil.

‘It’s not. It’s true,’ said Ffiona. ‘My mum told ... oh, oh, what’s that?’

Ffiona ran into the darkest corner of the tunnel and hid her eyes.

‘What?’

‘That terrible roaring noise,’ said Ffiona. ‘It’s a dreadful monster coming to get us.’

‘No,’ said Bbasil. ‘It’s someone in the house flushing the toilet.’

‘Oh, oh, the toilet’s coming to get us,’ cried Ffiona. ‘We’re all going to die.’

It was the same every day, there was always something menacing going on. If it wasn’t huge noisy leaves crashing down onto the lawn, it was some butterfly flapping its wings together in a threatening way. Ffiona couldn’t understand how they survived at all with everything and everyone in the world trying to get them. When it snowed she thought they’d all be suffocated. When it rained she thought they’d all be drowned and when the sun came out she thought they all be cooked.

‘It didn’t used to be like this,’ she said. ‘Two weeks ago, when I was young, it was peaceful and safe. It’s this terrible modern world we live in.’

‘That’s not true,’ said Ssamson. ‘I’ve been frightened from the minute I was born.’

‘Yes, you’re right,’ said Ffiona. ‘So have I. I was just too scared to remember it.’

‘Well, I’m not frightened of anything, not even the dark,’ said Bbasil and to prove it he closed his eyes.

‘Don’t do that,’ said Ffiona. ‘It’s terrifying.’

‘Oh yeah, well, I’m not scared at all,’ said Bbasil and he walked straight into the wall.

He wasn’t scared but he was incredibly stupid. With his ears ringing, he staggered along the tunnel and out into the daylight. The bright sun hit his face and dazzled him. He walked round and round in circles until he tripped over a pebble and fell straight down a deep drain.

Later on when she heard the news Ffiona would have said, if she hadn’t been too scared to, that maybe being scared wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

‘After all,’ said Jjoice, ‘if Bbasil had been scared he’d still be here today.’

And she was right because the other shrews led full, happy and terrified lives and all lived to the ripe old age of four weeks.