The world is a beautiful place. It's just the people in it that make it ugly.- Rick Thompson
“It coulda been me, it shoulda been me, it woulda been me...”
Envy was deep in thought. Why is it that most obese people can hum? I mean they just don’t sing, they seeeng. Is it something with the make-up of their vocal chords or what? Envy listened from the middle row of the church pew at her over 300-pound friend, Layla, her voice so strong it echoed off the walls of the sanctuary like she was singing from a mountaintop. She had a voice that could easily compete with Yolanda Adams’s. Even from the middle pew, Envy could see beads of sweat glistening and dripping down Layla’s face. The church seemed on fire, moved by the Holy Spirit spreading through the choir stand.
Kacie sat next to Envy on the royal purple pews. Leaning over and whispering in a harsh voice, she chastised her children, Kali, Kendra, Kenny, Kassandra, and Keith, while holding on to nine-month-old Keshena. “Didn’t you hear me? I said sit y’all tails down and be still. I told y’all about acting a fool in church. Now stop it or you know what’s good for you.” Kacie turned toward Envy and mumbled, “I don’t know why they can’t have Children’s Church every Sunday.”
The five children barely acknowledged their mother’s threats until she hauled off and slapped four-year-old Kali and five-year-old Keith on their legs. Before tears could gush from their faces, she pointed one long, polished fingernail at them.
“You better not let a single, solitary tear fall,” she demanded of the two kids. Two-year-old Kendra, seven-year-old Kassandra, and ten-year-old Kenny’s eyes widened in fear like they were hoping they wouldn’t be next.
When Keshena started crying, Envy reached over and quickly removed her from Kacie’s arms. No sense in all of Kacie’s kids keeping up a ruckus. Envy searched in the baby’s diaper pouch until she found her juice bottle, and Keshena immediately grabbed it out of Envy’s hand, placed it in her mouth, and leaned back in the comfort of Envy’s arms.
“It was mercy and grace,” Layla belted. With upraised arms and bowed down head, Layla started jumping up and down in the choir stand. Envy eyed two teenage boys sitting on the pew in front of her, snickering when Layla suddenly broke out in a Holy Ghost dance. Envy hated to admit it, but it was sort of funny to see Layla in a purple robe, jumping up and down. She reminded her of the purple dinosaur she’d seen Kacie’s kids watching on television from time to time. Just as quick as the less than sympathetic thought invaded her mind, Envy saw the inevitable unfold before her nut brown eyes, enhanced by the designer eyeglasses she wore. Nervously, Envy pushed her frames up on her nose.
Suddenly, Layla’s humongous legs pointed toward the ceiling at the same time that her backside landed on the purple carpet. Gasps, aahs, and more than a few giggles filled the air while deacons and ushers rushed to Layla’s side.
Envy’s hand flew up against her mouth while Kacie’s kids pointed and laughed at their ‘Play Aunt Layla’ sprawled in the floor at the front of the choir stand for everyone to get a first class view.
Kacie popped each of her kids one by one and warned them to shut up. It took several minutes for the church staff to get Layla up on her feet. While they led a limping, disheveled Layla to the choir room, Envy stood and shuffled quickly past Kacie and her kids.
Rushing to the choir room, Envy halted only seconds, and then burst inside to find Layla crying, probably more from shame and embarrassment than anything else.
“Layla, girl, are you all right?” Envy asked and knelt down beside Layla. She pushed back several locks of the twists that partially shielded Layla’s blood red face.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” Layla answered in a whisper.
“Are you sure? Why don’t you let me take you to the emergency room to get checked out?” Envy offered.
“No, I said I’m fine,” Layla snarled.
“Sista Layla, if you need anything, let me know,” one of the ushers told her.
“Thanks, Sista Jones, but I’m fine. Y’all can go on back in the sanctuary.”
“Okay, honey. Come on, y’all,” Sista Jones ordered the rest of the ushers who were still gathered in the choir room. “We need to get back to our posts before Pastor starts his message.”
“I can’t believe I did that,” Layla cried when she and Envy were alone. “My fat tail fell down. I know I musta looked like a giant elephant. How humiliating. I know folks were splitting their sides with laughter. I just know they were.” Layla switched her head back and forth. “Probably out there still laughing and talking about me.” She wiped tears from her eyes.
“I told you about downing yourself, Layla. People fall down every day. What makes you think it shouldn’t happen to you? Think about Kacie. I bet you don’t hear her feeling sorry for herself because she has cerebral palsy. And she’s fallen way more times than you ever have. And look at me. Kids used to make fun of me because I’m so dark skinned. What I’m saying is that calling yourself names is not going to make things better. How many times have I told you that talking about yourself only makes you feel worse? So what if you’re a little overweight. If you’re tired of it, then do something about it,” Envy lashed out.
“I’m not going to get into this with you here in the church. You know that I’m more than a little overweight, so don’t try to pretend that I’m not. I already feel stupid enough for being so careless. And just ‘cause you’re a size six doesn’t make me feel better, and whether you’re dark or light has nothing to do with the way people treat you.” Layla wiped the last tear from her round face. “It’s not easy to lose all of this.” She pointed at herself. “It’s hard; downright impossible for me.” Layla stood and moved toward the door. Peeking out to see who was in the hallway, she walked out when she didn’t see anyone. Envy followed. Layla went to the hallway in the same direction Envy had taken earlier. She wasn’t about to go back into the choir stand. Instead, Layla entered the sanctuary and took a seat on the next to the last pew and listened to Pastor Betts’s message.
“Go on back up there with Kacie. You know she needs help with all of them children,” Layla told Envy.
Envy agreed and tip-toed back to her seat.
“Is she all right?” Kacie asked in a whisper when Envy sat down.
“Yeah, her ego is bruised more than anything.” Envy focused her attention on Pastor Betts.
When church service ended, Kacie quickly rushed the children along by pushing them one after another into the crowded aisle of people. Envy held Keshena until they all made it to the Fellowship Hall located in the back of the church where muffins, juice, and coffee were prepared for whoever wanted a light snack. Kacie was glad the church provided snacks every Sunday. That way she wouldn’t have to worry about rushing home to cook.
“Sista Layla, are you all right?” several church members asked while Layla stuffed herself with muffins. She assured them that she was while pretending that her embarrassing fall was nothing major.
“You know you did your thing this morning, girl,” said another church member.
“Thank you. That’s one of my favorite songs,” replied a still shaken Layla.
Envy stood next to Layla, holding Keshena. She fed the baby a pinch of a blueberry muffin.
Layla pushed the last portion of her third muffin into her mouth, washing it down with a box of Juicy Juice. Scanning the fellowship hall, Layla spied Kacie all up in some man’s face, skinning and grinning while her children ran around unattended, slinging chunks of muffins all over the place and splattering juice.
“When is she ever going to learn?” asked Layla.
“No time soon, believe me. But I’m not going to stand here and hold Keshena while she pushes up on some man. My arm already feels like I’ve been holding a piece of lead.” Envy made her way over to Kacie. Without uttering a word, she placed Keshena in Kacie’s arms. Right away Keshena started crying. “Layla and I are about to leave. I guess we’ll check you later.”
Appearing somewhat embarrassed by Envy’s gesture, and her baby’s crying, Kacie waved Envy off. “No problem. I’ll talk to y’all later.” Then she turned and continued flirting while Envy and Layla made their exit.
Layla and Envy continued their conversation while Layla squeezed inside of Envy’s champagne Saturn VUE.
“I don’t understand Kacie. The only real reason she comes to church is to look for a man; anybody’s man at that. She ought to have enough,” said Layla.
Envy readily agreed. “I know that’s right. She’s thirty years old and already has six children and five or six baby daddies. She needs to be anointed with a well full of blessed oil.” Envy and Layla laughed as Envy started the car and maneuvered between the other cars leaving from the parking lot. “You need to stop anywhere before I take you home?”
Layla nodded. “Yeah, I want to go by Church’s Chicken and get a three piece meal. I want to get something to eat, then go home and soak this body of mine in a hot tub of water before I get stiff from that fall. Plus it’s supposed to storm later on this afternoon, so I don’t plan on getting back out.”
“It’s getting cloudy already,” Envy observed.
During the drive, Envy and Layla talked about the morning worship service and how much they loved Pastor Betts’s preaching. It didn’t take long for Church’s Chicken to fill Layla’s order, and less than half an hour after leaving church, Envy drove into the main entrance of her friend’s newly renovated uptown housing development. After several turns, she arrived in front of Layla’s apartment.
“I guess I’ll talk to you later. I might go over to my sister’s house and chill for a while,” said Envy.
”I don’t know why you want to do that. You’re the one who’s always talking about how Nikkei constantly rides you about the fact that your mother lives with her and her husband.”
“That’s right,” Envy said like she suddenly remembered how much Nikkei bickered. “But why shouldn’t Mother live with them? Nikkei has plenty of room. She acts like Mother’s dementia is easy for me, but it’s not.”
“I know that. And your mother is so young to have dementia. I’m thankful that my parents are in good health,” Layla told Envy. “I know you want to see your mother, but seeing her today means dealing with Nikkei. Think about it.” Layla looked at Envy in silence.
“I will,” answered Envy.
Layla adjusted her short, obese body by moving one way and then the other. Getting out of Envy’s car was always easier than getting in. After a few seconds, she stood erect, pulled her blue dress out of her butt with one hand, and grabbed her chicken dinner with the other.
“Bye,” said Layla as she turned and walked toward her apartment.
“See ya.” Envy waited until Layla was at her front door before she sped away.
After replaying Layla’s comments about Nikkei, Envy changed her mind about going to see her mother as soon as she left out of the gate of Layla’s apartment. She turned up her radio and sang along. When she pulled up directly in front of her two bedroom downtown Memphis duplex, Envy parked and turned off the ignition. She sat quietly with her hands gripping the vinyl steering wheel cover and her head resting on them, thinking about how glad she was that she had changed her mind about going over to Nikkei’s. She inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, hoping that the frustration mounting inside of her would not overflow this time. No such luck. She questioned God like she’d done many times before.
“I know I’ve asked you this before, Lord. But like always, you never give me an answer, at least not one except what my mother told me. Why did my mother have to name me, Envy? What was going through her mind? Was she demented then? Why did she place this obvious curse on me? I’m sick of hearing that she thought it was a cute name. That’s a bunch of bologna. I know it and you know it.” Envy balled her hands into fists and pounded the sides of them against the steering wheel until they turned cherry red.
“I can’t get up for going down. I can’t take a step forward without taking ten steps backward. I look at other people, including my sister, and I just don’t understand. She has a beautiful home, a great job,” with emphasis she added, “and a husband with a good job who simply adores her. But look at me. Here I am still struggling, still groveling, still wishing and hoping that things were right in my life. So what if I make good money? Where has it gotten me? I have no man, no real life. So tell me, what’s the difference in me and Nikkei? It has to be my name. Envy. Let’s see if I can remember what the dictionary has to say about it.”
Envy’s anger toward God mounted with each word that spewed from her mouth. “Ahh,” she spoke out, her words laced with venom. “Envy, the verb form, means to feel envy toward or on account of,” she said from memory, having read the definition numerous times. “Surely that’s not me. Maybe it’s the other definition. You know, God. I’m talking about envy, the noun: painful or resentful awareness of another’s advantages. Ah-ha, now maybe that’s me. But why should I be condemned for being resentful and in pain? I don’t understand why you don’t allow me to have one good opportunity, a real chance at having good things happen in my life. Everything that’s good flies right past me and into somebody else’s lap.
“Dang, even Kacie has it better than I do, and she has six children tugging at her twenty-four-seven. She may work a little part-time job, but she still seems to live better than me, and I don’t have not one little crumb snatcher. I guess I should be fake like Kacie, before you show me some love. I don’t know what you want.
“And Layla? Well, Layla is Layla. She loves you, I do know that. But you don’t act like you want to give her a break either. Seems like she doesn’t realize the game you’re playing with her. What is it with you, God?” Envy suddenly ended her conversation with God just as quickly as she’d started it. She opened the car door, got out, and slammed it hard behind her.
She raised her hands in surrender and bolted off. “I don’t know why I even bother talking to you,” she hollered at the sky before rushing up the walkway leading to her front door just as the first big drops of rain began to fall down upon her head.
The three women had become friends while attending community college; Envy and Kacie to become surgical technicians, while Layla studied cosmetology. Neither of them, if asked, could explain what drew them together, but whatever it was, they had remained friends for eleven years. Layla, always a big girl was about seventy pounds lighter back then, and just like now, she was heavily involved in church. Kacie was pregnant with her first child when they met, and Envy lived at home with her mother, attended Vo-tech, and worked part-time at FedEx.
Over the years, their circumstances in life changed but their friendship remained sturdy. While neither Envy nor Kacie completed their surgical tech programs, Envy decided to attend the University of Memphis. She transferred as many courses that she could from the community college, and after three years she received a bachelor’s degree in Business Administration. It had paid off very well. Envy was now a manager in regulatory affairs at a large company. It came with a nice salary and annual bonuses attached.
Layla completed her cosmetology course, but for some reason never managed to pass the board exams required to become a licensed cosmetologist. So whenever she got in a serious tight, she’d fix hair in her apartment.
One by one, each of them faced the game life plays on each person who lives it. The alternative to living was dying, and neither of them wanted to choose that pathway. There was too much zest in living for them, too many things to see, places to go, and an endless list of mistakes yet to be made. So through it all, the three of them clung to each other without judging each other’s actions and decisions.