Hello

Deandre kept debating whether he wanted to approach Karmella. He wondered if she had a man? What if she thought he looked better gone out of her life? Ten years had passed by and she didn’t answer any of his letters. He wanted to share the lessons he learned and the right moves he made with his life. Deandre participated in an apprenticeship program, “Greater things to Come and New Beginnings”. A prison reentry training program with My Brother’s keeper started by William Matters. The program trained men and women released from jail how to install fiber optics, cable and internet services. He was the only black man accepted in the program and score the highest on the entrance exam. For Deandre it was a great accomplishment for him being a man who couldn’t once read past the third grade level. It was Karmella who taught him how to read. A full-time employee of Time Warner Cable and within a year promoted to lead supervisor.

Deandre stayed the course and focused on building his constitution, mentor by William Matters of My brother’s Keeper and Harper Blue who owned a chain of supermarkets. He made the necessary changes maintaining his life and making a pact to never sell drugs or end up in prison. He moved into a new apartment and purchased a car. Yet, since he’d been home his mind had been on Karamella. It was the way their relationship ended and though while incarcerated she sent packages, Birthday and Christmas cards. He wrote her a letter a week and she never wrote back.

Love wouldn’t allow Deandre to leave her life without knowing if he had a fighting chance to have her as his wife. Yes, he dated other women but they didn’t hold a place in his heart. He knew Karmella’s issues with her weight but to him she was the sexiest woman in the world. It didn’t matter because having her as his wife was all that matter. She nursed him back to health after being shot. It was her who didn’t judge him when she found out he was illiterate . If nothing else he had to thank her for teaching him how to read.

He took in a deep breath and knew he had to talk to her. Karmella sat at the bus stop with a book in her hand by Tamyara Brown. Karamella has always been an avid reader. Dressed in a blue sundress,hair had full curls, no make-up and notice the . What amazed him was the fact she still had on her bracelet and earrings he’d given her on their first anniversary. She was still connected to his heart, mind and soul.

He cursed aloud when the bus was coming down the street and he just knew he missed his chance. She lifted her bags and one busted causing her groceries to rolled into the sidewalk. It was God’s way of opening a closed door because the bus pulled off and she was stuffing the groceries in the other bag. He ran across the street, his heart banged against his chest and his stomach filled with butterflies as he approached her.

“You need help with your groceries, Karamella?” She looked, her mouth dropped open and her beautiful brown eyes widen. She straightened her clothes placed her hair behind her ear.He didn’t smile much but today he couldn’t control his lips spreading apart.

“Deandre. Oh my God! Hi, how are you? Can I hug you?” He responded by hugging her and kissing her on the cheek. Deandre stood at 6"4, brown skin complexion, short afro, and he towered over her, his muscles protruded through the Blue uniform shirt. He was still fine and built like a wrestler.”

"I’m good got a gig with Time Warner Cable company as fiber optic technician and cable installer, moved into my apartment and bought a car. What about you?"

She hesitated to answer, for the last few years life had not been kind to her. She worked as a customer service for the past nine years and finally got promoted as a supervisor but her life was sad and lonely. Hasaan a man her mother hooked her up with a creep. He ran up her credit and bounced out of her life leaving her brokenhearted and used.

She replied, “Fine, you know still working and just living. I’m proud of you ,Deandre. You've always been destined for greatness.” She touched his hand, he intertwined his with hers brought it up to his lips and kissed it.

“I needed to hear your compliment, and it was because of you working with me endless nights and teaching me how to read. I’m great because of you.You have all these bags can we catch up while I give you a ride home?

She shook her head no because she didn’t want to spark flames to the fire inside of her heart for the love of her life.”

"Thank you, but I’m fine, Deandre?"She twisted her lip and sucked in air to hold her stomach in. She thought she looked hideous she would not embarrass him with the likes of her. " Do you have a man or something? “

He folded his arms, raised his eyebrows like she remembered and sucked in his lips. He was so muscular and handsome. His skin smelled like Egyptian musk and when he smiled she melted. She knew some beautiful petite woman had snatched him up and claimed him as hers. This fine man who she shared nights making love to her, holding hands while walking through Delaware Park. Yes, she remembered all the wonderful times they shared but the stares, the laughter, and people whispering he could find a thinner woman haunted her soul.

“No one wants no fat ass woman like me unless they can get something? There isn’t an ounce of me that is beautiful. I accept being an ugly lived with the title all my life.”

Deandre frowned and his narrow eyes became tight, his dimples peeked through as his jaw twitched. ”

"I’ll ignore those messed up remarks you made and bring my car around. Look, I’m giving you a ride home. You took care of me the least I can do is make sure you get home safe. I want to catch up on old times, Karamella. Man, I never liked you downing yourself like you do."

He shook his head because in his eyes she wasn’t an ugly chick and it broke his heart every time she spoke negative of herself.Deandre walked across the street and opened the door to his silver car. He was a chapter in her past; and she thought sh wasn't good enough. Besides, if the results from her biopsy came back saying she had breast cancer it would be useless to bring him in her life. She couldn’t inflict any more pain on herself or him. He pulled into Wilson Farms he had four boxes, he began packing the groceries for her.“Go in the car, I got this.”She followed his orders and sat in the car. He pulled into the parking lot and stepped out to open the door for her. He put on his seatbelt and the radio played, Fantasia’s “Truth is” How ironic Karamella thought as he pulled off?

“You still live in the complex on Richmond and Bidwell?” He asked.

“Yes, I haven’t moved Deandre? I can’t afford to, anyway.”

“Could have fooled the hell out of me, thought you never received any of my letters I wrote.” He snapped. She bit her bottom lip and looked away.“I’m sorry, Deandre. I never forgot about you. I sent money for your books and food packages.” He sucked his teeth and turned down the radio. He pulled over and watched the couples sitting on the grass cuddling. His jaw twitched, and he leaned back in his seat. He looked her directly in her face and touched her cheek.

“Karamella, I never needed your money or food packages, though appreciated I needed you to just stick by me. While lockdown my constitution was on point, my brothers and the soldiers out here had my back when it came to making sure my books was full. I know you well so don’t bullshit me. The streets talk and I know you followed along with your mother’s plan and she set you up with some trash ass dude from her church who did you dirty. I heard he ran up a ten thousand dollars in debt on your credit cards. You caught him in your bed with another broad. I'd never would have hurt you or disrespected you.Listening to your trifling ass mother and you leave the man who begged you to stay. Karamella put her head down, cleared her throat and replied,

“The thing with Hasaan only lasted a year after that I stayed to myself because nobody wants me. Look at me it’s not like I’m this pretty, thin girl with long flowing hair. I am ugly and fat.” He cursed under his breath and hit the steering wheel.

“ I wanted you and only you. I needed to hug you, kiss you and look you in the eyes to make sure you were okay. I needed your words of encouragement to keep me grounded and on point in my mind and heart. Corny as that may sound it’s the truth. I never wanted nothing more from you but you by my side.” He started back up his car and shook his head. He mumbled under his breath like always when he was upset.

“ I thought you deserve a better woman. Mama and my sister all said they didn’t know what you saw in a fat woman like me. Shoot, neither did I. Deandre, you could and can have any woman you want so keep it real. You just felt sorry for me and you know it.” He pulled up in front of the house and before he stepped out.

“Did you for once think you were the better woman for me and I chose you because I found the best part of me? You leaving me hurt and yet everyday I prayed for you to come back because I know that I am a fucked up man without you.”

“I’m sorry ,Deandre. I didn’t forget about you?”

“ Karamella, then why didn’t you write me or answer my collect calls? You left money on the phone for what to torture me and when you did answer you said nothing? Why, leave me hanging all those years?” He leaned his head back and closed his eyes the memory left a lump in his throat.

“I was scared. I didn’t want to spark up feelings and be disappointed again. I didn’t want you feeling sorry and taking on the fat girl problems.”

“If you would have listened to me and not your miserable ass mother and pain in the ass sister you’d know I had no reason to feel sorry for you. It’s how you feel about yourself. I don’t see what you, your mother and sister see all the negative images. I see a fine ass woman sitting next to me. It’s a damn shame the woman who has stitched apart of her in my heart is always tearing down what I know our love has built.You are loved by me.” He stepped out of the car and slammed the door which made her jump.

Deandre popped opened the trunk, he stacked the boxes on top of one another and ran up the stairs while she took the elevator.He always had a take charge attitude, and it was the first apartment they rented. A man hadn’t been in her space in nine years and up until this moment she couldn’t believe how scared she was. Karmella mind was loaded with what to expect from the biopsy and whether she had cancer. She didn’t want to die a lonely old maid but love scared her more than rejection. She felt Deandre eyes on her, it was if he was trying to read her thoughts. He tossed the bottle in the recycling bin, he licked his lips and his dimples sunk in.

“I know you see I gained more weight.” She crossed her arms trying to hide her body.

“ You are still so beautiful to me.”

She hadn’t heard those words in a long time. She knew she was her own worst enemy when it came to putting herself down. She let out her hair held together by an elastic band. Deandre ran his fingers through and traced his finger down her face.

“Thank you Deandre. I haven’t heard those words in a long time.

“You should try telling yourself that in the mirror because what I see is nothing that you describe about yourself. I see a beautiful woman who smile lights up the sky and my life, nice complexion, and luscious lips. No one should have permission to make you feel less of yourself. The love I feel for you has no waist size.”

The tears she learned to hide began to flow. Karmella ran into the bathroom and he followed her. He wrapped his arms around her and it was there she felt safest. She felt his lips kiss her tears away. She shouldn’t succumb to him she thought. He’d leave her again and go back to prison. He’d have sex with her today and tomorrow disappear like the others. He’d ignore her calls and leave her heartbroken. Yet, her heart was calling him loud and clear. When their lips touched, she knew resistance was futile. He captured her and answered her heart’s call for the need for his touched, love and liked by him.Deandre kissed her for all the times he lost in the ten years they had not been together. Passion, desire, and years of yearning filled each kiss. His erection was anxious and at full attention. He allowed his hands to caress her body as she released sighs of pleasure, he pulled the dress down her body, he stopped and moan this moment was happening. He noticed one breast did looked bigger than other, the skin looked like an orange skin and swollen. He wondered if a man had harmed her but he was so excited to make love to the woman who captured his heart. He put it to the back of his mind.

With each touch he followed by a kiss. She tried to cover her body with a towel but he took it away. Karamella hated the image of her full size body. No one thought being overweight was beautiful she kept saying in her head. She stared and hung her head because the sight of her body made hate the woman she become.

“I don’t feel comfortable standing in front of the mirror, Deandre. My body is...”

He removed his clothes and she admired his muscular body. The scars on his chest and side were visible from being shot, she could see his heart beating through his skin . He stood behind her,kissed her earlobes and for a moment he just held her. She held her eyes closed and took deep breath inhaled his scent and prayed he wouldn’t let her go. He was perfection, skin a smooth chocolate, his manhood touched the center of his thigh, it moved and she could feel his hardness against her behind.

“Open your eyes, look at yourself and see the gorgeous woman I am about to make love to. Do you see her? Her name is Pamela Karamella Jackson. I adore you and word on my life nothing captivates me more than your sexy ass body, the mole on your neck the color of your skin and your full thighs. You’re more than a curvaceous body, you are my Queen. With all your curves makes you more sensuous and me wanting you more.”

Karamella opened her eyes and imagined she had the perfect body. Her stomach was flat, her legs didn’t have cellulite, and she was the perfect size ten. She looked again and her imperfect body left her feeling ugly.

“I look ugly. I feel ugly."

She pressed her face into his chest and she attempted to stop crying.He wrapped his arms around her squeezing her tight. He wanted her to feel his love for her was not artificial.

“One day you will see the beauty I see. You will look in the mirror and say I am beautiful. I believe it with my heart and soul.” He whispered in her ear.

Deandre escorted her to the couch and laid down before placing her body on top of his. He gazed into her eyes and said,

“I’ve missed you so much. You feel all this love I have for you woman, huh? Damn, I love you.”

He pulled her face down and kissed her again. He did indeed miss her, craved her at night when loneliness crept in. He had a few women since his release but none of them filled the position in his heart. Deandre entered her, and hoped to stroke away the hurt, the pain and anguish inside of her.He felt her body tremble as if earthquakes and shock waves hit her body and which in turn caused him to cum. She was catching her breath; sweat rained off their bodies and continued to kiss her lips.

“I have missed you too,Deandre. I’m sorry I never mailed the letters I wrote to you. I just thought you’d never felt the way I did .”

For several moments she laid in his arms. The moment was perfect as they rekindled their love for one another. He kept kissing her, tracing his hand over her body and playing with her hair. He allowed the soft jazz music to set the mood as he pulled her closer to him. They reminisced and shared about the ten years he was gone. It was like old times the way they bonded.

“I meant every word of it. I’m a man of my word and now that I am back you have me forever and a day.”

“Why me out of all the women who wanted you?” She kissed his chest and rubbed her lips against his neck.

“You fit perfectly and I changed my life because in order to become your husband I had to fulfill the requirements. I had to let go of the street life, breaking dudes up, making illegal money and live a honest life. You did that for me, baby and I can never repay you. Your love, your kindness and friendship made me want no one else but you.”

“I won’t allow you to trash talk and tear down yourself with harsh words. I love you too much.”

Her cell phone vibrated and she jumped. She looked with a fear in her eyes as she answered the phone. She walked to the bathroom, took a deep breath and tried to control the thumping in her chest.

“Hello.” She whispered.

“Hi,Ms. Jackson this is Dr. Sheraton and I want you to come in to discuss your results of the biopsy. It’s imperative you come in.” She knew that it wasn’t good news as tears dripped down her face. The love of her life had returned and now she was receiving bad news. She cleared her throat because she already knew it was the worst,

“I have breast cancer, don’t I? Listen just go ahead and spit it out okay, please.” She begged.

“Yes, you have breast cancer. I would like you to come in tomorrow so we can discuss this more in depth as well as options for treatment.”

She tried to stifle her cries but she couldn’t because all that kept echoing in the back of her head was she had Breast Cancer. She finally found the strength to say,

She had to face Deandre but she refused to tell him. She heard the knob turn she wanted to lie and say she was all right.

“What’s wrong, Love? Talk to me, please. She collapsed in his arms and he held her.

“Talk to me baby, please.” He begged as his eyes filled with tears.

“I was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Yay me. The ugly curse rearing it’s ugly head.”

He pulled her close and there on the bathroom floor they cried together. Deandre thought seeing her today wasn’t a coincidence but now he knew for sure that it was meant for him to be apart of her life. He kissed away her tears trying to console her.

Karamella broke from Deandre’s embrace and reality sat in she had cancer and that this could kill her, she could lose her breast and hurt him. Anger and rage took over her as she screamed at the top of her lungs. She was convinced she was cursed because anytime something good came into her life tragedy followed her like a lost puppy. Maybe she was meant to be alone, no one to love her and it was her destiny to live in misery.

Deandre tried to hug her again and she pushed him away. She didn’t want to rub off her bad karma on him. He had his life together and being with her would only bring him down. He didn’t deserve that he was too good of a man.

He pulled closer to Karamella and she pushed him away. He sucked his teeth and it was evident he was becoming frustrated with her. It was easier for her to let him go before he did it to her. He spoke,

“I’m not leaving you in this condition. I love you Karamella and I want to be here for you. Don’t push me away again, please.” He pleaded.

She saw the love in his eyes for her but she didn’t know what was reality or fiction. She had so much on her mind, hurt that sat festering in her body and now Cancer came to take her out for good. People had spoke often of loving her and they never truly meant it. What would make Deandre any different? No one cared about her and in truth she didn’t really care for herself that much. If she did she would have lost the weight, she would have ate better and got surgery to fix all her imperfections. She was only thirty-three years old and now her life would be over. Her mother and sister were right about her being a world class nobody. Deandre’s life was on point and she was not going to share her curse on him. The thoughts of him falling down and even ending up back in jail would be all her fault. She screamed,

“Get the fuck out,Deandre. I don’t want you or nobody here. Go! I’m a ugly, fat and cursed and just go before I mess up your life.”

“I’m here and you’re not cursed. I want to fight cancer with you and you keep pushing away.”

“You could give zero fucks about me. You smashed the fat girl who now has cancer. Now go marry the woman you’ve always wanted . I’m good alone with breast cancer. Now move on and don’t worry about Karmella.”

His jaw twitched, he let a single tear fall from his eye and punched a hole in the wall. He turned on the shower and stepped in and cried some more. Every word didn’t penetrate that now his woman was back and he didn’t understand cancer nor pain but he would give his life trying.

She sat at the table and stared at the clock. He dressed and attempted to fight for his woman.

“The answer will always be the same I’m not good enough for Deandre “Money” Jackson. I have breast cancer and do you really want take care of me, ‘the sick, soon to be bald headed fatty? Be real with yourself?’ Be honest with yourself.”

“Yes. I would love you sick, bald headed and whatever else going on with you because I am your man and future husband. I am down for whatever life throws at you but my woman won’t receive the truth. Karmella doesn’t believe me and that is what hurts. You need me and I definitely need you. You not letting me be there for you hurts. I am your man in the best or worst of what life throws at you. You say your curse and I say you're blessed because I will never stop being your man. I’ll be back I have to do an install.”

He kissed Karmella’s forehead and wiped her tear. He stood at the door and took a deep breath. He slammed the door and the windows shook.

Alone now and for a moment she thought of suicide taking a bottle of sleeping pills to end it all. Yet, she thought she was already dead inside, her body carried a spirit wounded and full of pain. Her life flashed back to the times she was teased, mistreated and ridiculed by her mother and sister. The days she ate in order not to cry. It was as if she was the worst thing that walked on this earth. If she could she go back and reinvent her life. She would have lost the fifty pounds, ate right and exercise.

She cried and realized the only answer was to deal with how she dealt with everything else alone. Her mind rushed with questions, she touched her left breast, her nipple was inverted in, swollen and she could feel the lumps all over it. What lied ahead for her she thought? She wanted to tell her mother and sister but they would blame her sickness on her weight. She wallowed in her faults and mistakes until her eyes was swollen shut. she fell asleep until the sunlight danced on her face and heard the keys jingling and the chatter of voices.

The last thing she needed was for her mother to come or bring her spirits down. She threw clothes, broke dishes, and ripped up every picture she saw except the ones with Deandre. Her house was a mess like her life. She’d wish they wouldn’t barge in the door the way they did with no regards for her privacy as if she was a young child. She pulled the sheets over her naked body. Her mother voice thick and loud,

“Pamela Karamella Brown, you in here? Girl, where you at? Why it smell so stale and nasty in here? It smells like sex. Don’t it, Sherry?”

She wanted them to leave and let her be. She put on her housecoat and walked into the living room. She heard Sherry squeaky voice co-sign.

“Yes, Mama it sure does!” Sherry was her sister who was beautiful, small and married a well off to a lawyer. She was the one Mama was most proud of because she was beautiful and the perfect size.

“Pamela, what fool you had in here last night? I told you about letting these no good ass men around you. They use you and then abandon you. What the hell happen to your apartment?”

Her mother went in the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. She went in her refrigerator and pulled out the creamer and three apples Danish. Karamella sat at the table and looked at her family and debated on telling them anything.

“Mama and Sherry I need to tell you something. Can you just please listen to me?” Karamella sat at the table and like raindrops her tears fell again. She needed her Mama and sister to be the her rock and tell her it was going to be all right. She sniffled and released a sigh.

“Mama, I have Breast Cancer.” She blurted it out.

Her mother and sister looked at one another. She waited for them to hug her, to comfort her as she cried but instead her sister Sherry threw her hands in the air and sucked her teeth. Maybe with her illness they treat her better and as a woman.

“Karamella, we told you that you needed to get some of that weight off you. Damn, you are too young to have breast cancer. See you are hard headed, and you haven’t had a baby yet.” Sherry pointed her finger in her face.

“Karamella, what are you like three hundred pound now? That’s what happens when you eat all that garbage and don’t exercise. Your fat ass is just a toxic waste dump. Sherry snapped and poked her finger in her shoulder.

Her mother chimed in and said,

“I hope you don’t expect us to take care of you and running you to the doctor we got lives, girl. You put this on yourself had you listen to us, went to the gym and ate right you’d have a husband, better job and no damn cancer. At least now the cancer will eat at some of that blubber. I don’t feel sorry for you at all.”

Her mother chuckled and Karmella cried some more. They tore her down since she was a little girl made her feel less than nothing. They ate at her spirit reminded her daily how ugly she was and not useful to the world. She couldn’t believe her ears and for the first time she had sunken to an all time low. She’d never realized how hateful they were until today. She stood up from the table and there stood Deandre in the doorway. Dressed in a white t shirt, jeans and new era cap turned backwards, his arms folded his look rugged with a chew stick in his mouth. He heard everything her mother said about Karmella and for him it was the last time they would hurt his woman’s feelings.

“ I don’t mean no harm for what I’m about say nah, fuck it, yes I do. She doesn’t need you miserable ass bitches to take care of her. How are you tearing down your own flesh and blood when she just told you she had cancer? I’m not gonna stand here and let you hurt her no more . I don’t give damn who you are. My woman is never going to be without love, respect and whatever else she needs. ” He stared them down and they both glared at him.

“You don’t disrespect us like that Karamella call the police on this irrelevant motherfucker we are your family. You gonna stand there and let him talk to me like that.” Her sister screamed.

Karamella couldn’t defend them because he was right she observed him and as always he rescued her from their verbal abuse. They done this for years tearing down her spirit and soul because she was bigger than them.

“Mama and Sherry leave now. I just told you I have breast cancer and not one of you hugged me used a kind word or showed empathy. I am aware of my weight and shortcomings you have reminded me of them since I was a little girl. I’m sorry I never lived up to your expectation as a person. You made it clear I am the failure of the family. So just leave me alone don’t worry I have my own insurance to take care of myself. You never loved me anyway.”

Her mother wanted to say something and even seem to have some guilt show up on their face. Instead they grabbed their purses and gave Deandre a mean look as they stormed out the house. They knew not to say anything to him they were aware of his reputation. Deandre watched Karamella and waited for her to put him out. He’d prepared his speech while driving aimlessly around trying to figure out how he could convince her he was here for the long haul. She stood up and walked close to him. She wanted to hug and kiss him for taking up for her. She wanted to believe it was her and him forever, yet forever was fairy tales and it was unreal. She cleared her throat.

“Thank you but go, please .I’m cursed and I am so use to bad stuff happening to me. Go find the perfect woman who has a size ten body, pretty, smart, and got it all together. You don’t want a woman like me fat, sick and just mess up and in debt. Just go okay I don’t want to mess up your life. You came out of prison, got a good job and a apartment. I’m proud of you. You need that perfect woman to make you complete, not me.” She kissed him on his cheek and turned away from him. He let her walk a few feet away.

“Do you love me, Karamella? All the times you have walked away and I asked you that you never gave me answer. On some real shit you don’t have that option today, I want an answer. If you don’t love me then say it. DO YOU LOVE ME?”

She turned and looked at him. She licked her lips and pulled her hair behind her ear.

“Yes, Deandre I do love you but you deserve so much better. I love you enough to let you go. I want to give you the space to have a woman who is broken. I am broken beyond repair and now cancer is here. I don’t deserve you and I tried to see happily ever after but bad stuff keeps happening. I will let you go so be blessed because you my King deserve. You know what I saw ten years ago that even though your dad ruled everything in Buffalo. You were and always will be the better man. I can’t mess that up for you, okay. That’s why I keep leaving because I can’t be your curse. I blame me being in your life it’s why you went to jail. I messed you up.” He removed his hat and scratched his head and walked over to pour a cup of coffee he took a sip. He wiped his face and realize even in her pain she share good thoughts about him.

“I messed up by selling drugs, running the streets, and you can’t put my wrong doings on you. I hurt you by breaking my promise to do right but I chose the streets. I realize a little too late. I became a King because I found my Queen.”

She stood away from him in a corner and she turned away from him because she didn’t want to look into his eyes.

“God, Money I don’t need you and I don’t want you. I want to be miserable and lonely. You’re just not hearing me.” She screamed.

“That is a crock of bullshit and you know it. All you have told me is what you think I deserve and the woman who would be perfect for me. I am sitting in your face telling you I love you, I want to be here for you. When you ran away from me all those times and even after turning down my marriage proposal. Keeping it tall and funky with you I thought, ‘damn here’s a man showing her my love and she keep pushing me away.’ I am revealing my true heart and she has got to be crazy. Then after you threw my ass out once again it hit me hard you’re afraid to be love by a good man. You are scared of real love. You have lived in the lie of fake love so long you’ve gotten comfortable. I’m not going to let you run away from what you deserve. I always knew you were the one for me, no other woman fits but Pamela Karamella Jones. You always talking about your weight and I have never once down you about your size. Have I?”

“ No,but everyone else said...” He kissed her lips and held her hands.

“Fuck what everyone has to say and listen to me for once.Shit Karmella, to me love has no waist size. I’m not leaving you alone to fight cancer and I promise you that. I’m here and nothing you say will ever make me stop loving you. I’m going to your doctor’s appointments and whatever battle this cancer has for us I’m there. I’m a loyal dude and mines are with you forever and a day. WE ARE GOING TO FIGHT THIS TOGETHER, HAND AND HAND. I will say it a million times until it penetrates to your bloodline. I’m not going anywhere just accept it. Your man has spoken no go get cleaned up and stop crying so I can meet this doctor and come up with a plan of survival.”

She hugged him and held him tight because he was her strength. She did love him and had never stopped. She found some strength in his words and the days that follow were not easy. The day of her visit she discovered she had Stage 3B inflammatory Breast Cancer. The cancer had spread to her chest wall,lymph nodes and her skin. The diagnosis looked grim and she had options like surgery a mastectomy, aggressive chemotherapy and radiation. It was the first time she had saw Deandre cry . It was him who asked all kinds of questions when visiting the oncologist, he sat at the library for hours researching cures and experimental trials that would maintain her life. The more he read the more he thought it wasn’t a death sentence. The chemo treatments came first in four cycles, the surgery, and radiation six days a week. Deandre took time off and explained to his boss his woman was more important than his job. He paid every co-pay out of his own pocket, and cleaned. He coped by waiting until she slept to cry. While awake he stayed with a smile, sang, and read books. His brother called one day,

“No room for tears. I want my woman well she is weak and I have to stay strong.” A single tear rolled down his face.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I would never leave her side no matter how much it...never mind. I’m good and I am forever loyal.”

Deandre stayed true to his promise of not leaving her side. He was the person who shaved her hair when it began to fall out from the chemotherapy.

“I’m ready shave it off, baby.” His hands shook, the sound of the buzzer brought a tear to her eye.

“I can’t. I can get one of my boys to do it.” He put the clippers down and stood back.

“Please, I’m okay and I rather have my man cut my hair than some stranger. You ask me not to push you away, right?”

“So go ahead and take it off. It’s falling out anyway and I’m good with it being bald.” He kissed her and ran the clippers over her head. He held back his tears and kissed the top of her head.”

“Take a picture with me. A selfie and no tears just smiles.Cancer is the worst but it is bringing out the best. No I take that back My King, Deandre is bringing out the best in this ugly disease. I’m fly no lie and I’m balling.”

“No, add Maino, Drake, Biggie, Tupac and um Dj Khaled, Wu-tang clan, Meth and Redman and um Jim Jones.”

He took out his phone and he snapped away. They did a video rapping to old school and new school songs and posted it on Facebook and Instagram.

“I lost my hair but I don’t feel bad about it. I had so much fun laughing, and I feel alive. Promise me if I ....”

She kissed his lips and knew that he would never say he was hurting just to protect her happiness.

After she fell asleep he took a ride and caught up with his mentor William Matters, his twin brother, Cash and Harper Blue. Every time the doctors, the counselors, and Karmella wanted to speak of death. He shut them down and he couldn’t discuss. He kept it in because she was a priority and not him. His heart was heavy as he stepped out the car and he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. Karmella dying would murder him he thought. She wanted to discuss it and he wanted her to live for an eternity. He stood in front of the transitional house, My brother’s keeper. Each step to his mentor door felt like bricks the sadness was weighing him down. He couldn’t shake it off and as stared at his mentor Harper Blue, brother and the owner, William Matters he stood in the office and all of his friends watched the tears fell down his face, his punched the wall, turned over the chair and began to scream. His friends let him vent as he slid to the floor.

“It is so fucking unfair. My woman, my angel fighting for her life. She don’t deserve cancer, dudes who murdered babies and rapist should have cancer not her. I’m trying to smile through this shit but it eats at me because I just got her back in my life and the very thought of losing her is killing my soul. Tonight, I shaved her head and each time I watched them put poison in her veins it breaks me apart. No man should see his woman suffering. I am afraid to leave because what if I come back and....”

“ I will donate two hundred dollars in groceries a week and help with taking her to radiation.” Blue chimed in.

“It ain’t like I’m broke I got my woman. I want to be by her side. As much as I hate her suffering I need those days to hold her hand. She is the bravest woman I know because I know I couldn’t hold on.”

“We know but we are our brother’s keeper and I couldn’t imagine if my wife had cancer handling it alone. It is what your brother, me, and Blue are here for to assist in anyway we can.” William said as he handed him an envelope with 5,000 dollars cash.

“You will and this isn’t up for discussions. The men here put in because we love you and Karmella. We take care of family.”

“Thanks, I need to get home to her. I will always be my brother’s keeper.”

“Iron sharpens Iron. You know as your blood brother I will give my life for you and Karmella. We are here and I am glad you vented. Caregivers need support and a break.”

He arrived home and watched her sleep. He prayed hard and kissed her.As the disease took away her strength he put on his armor and fought for her. Deandre bathed her when she was too weak to do it for herself. He reminded her everyday of how beautiful she was and it was true. He massaged her body and even painted her finger and toenails.

He was her caregiver, lover and the reason she fought so hard to live. When she thought about giving up she just look over at her man and remember the promise she made to him. She couldn’t disappoint him but the truth was she was tired of fighting. She was angry at this point in her life cancer was stealing her energy, stealing her time of healthy living with the man of her dreams. She was angry at God for placing her in a position to battle an ugly disease. Yet, even in her anger she was glad he placed Deandre in her life. It was why she thanked God even when she didn’t understand the journey she was on. Deandre was the angel of her life.

He was the one who made sure she ate, made it to her doctor appointments and support groups. They say thugs from the hood don’t do that and they could never love as hard as Deandre loved Karamella. What an untruth because Deandre gave her his all and then some. William Matters, Harper Blue and Detective Bishop Jones even came and bought flowers. They would care for her too while Deandre went to work they made CDs and did a family day of fun at Delaware Park. It was his twin brother, Cash who bought over lemon and ginger candy when she would have that metal taste in her mouth and books to read. She had never felt so loved and cared for in her life the way she did now. Whatever she needed even if was for him to read with her it was done with no questions asked. She never knew a man who could be so patient and attentive while sometimes she knew she was driving him crazy.

“I made a commitment to you because I love you deeply. I take care of you because I want to this is me being your man. A real man makes sacrifices and you, my love are worth it. Don't you ever forget your battles are my battles.”

As she started to heal and regain her strength he made every day filled with smiles.He took her dancing in the park, the movies, bought her wigs and hats to match her outfits. He encouraged and inspired her to not quit on life because he made it a constant reminder that she was valuable. He bought her inspirational books and would put daily quotes on her wall to read. He would write her love letters and rub her feet. He’d sing to her silly songs, watch old Eddie Murphy movies and her favorite movie, Adam Sandler’s Waterboy. Even if he couldn’t cure her cancer he could be her blessing. He wanted to be the sense of peace she so craved. Loving and caring for her made him a better man.

On Karmella’s one year anniversary of being in remission he threw her a party. He gave her a beautiful pink diamond pendant and a collection of Terry McMillan’s books signed by the author. He just knew that she had beaten cancer. She looked healthier, her hair had even started to grow back and she didn’t look so pale. She smiled more and begin to do the things she loved. Her spunk return and nothing made him happier.

“Baby, I have good news for you.” He walked over and kissed her on her lips. He flashed two tickets in front of her.

“Tickets to what, baby?”

“Charlie Wilson, Mint Condition and Anthony Hamilton concert that coming to the convention center in two weeks.” She was wrapped in two blankets and trembling. She looked pale and her eyes watery.

“Wow that’s great.”

She smiled and watched as he went through the routine of filling her pill box, putting in a load of laundry and ordering dinner. She was becoming weak again and she knew why. Deandre sat in the lounge chair and kicked off his boots, he undressed in front of her and he was so handsome. He leaned his back against the chair and closed his eyes. She saw how tired he was between working a full time job, help taking care of her, going to a doctor’s appointment. Since her treatment she lost about sixty pounds and began to look different. Her face was thinning out, and those dark circles re appeared. She hung her head low because she felt like she just took over his life over. She had done so little for her man and he gave her the stars in the sky. She got up today and went in her closet and found all the letters she wrote him. Five hundred letters not mailed all written everyday for ten years.

She went to Family Dollar and bought a beautiful pink box with roses on it. Inside of it she put each letter in it each organize my month and year. She placed the letter on the bottom of her goodbye letter to him. She found out that the cancer had come out of remission and she had only a few more months to live. She promised to keep it to herself and not burden him anymore. They had fought a good fight and she had come to terms with dying. She remembered he spoke of loving the antique pocket watch that his grandfather had but was stolen the day he was murdered. She found a replica of the watch he showed her in the picture.

“What’s on your mind? You look sad what did the doctor say today? Babe, I know I was supposed to go but I had a mandated meeting.” He rubbed his hand over his head and released a deep sigh.

“Nothing much same stuff you know. I’m fine Deandre and besides I don’t want to talk about doctors. I have a gift for you. You have been so good to me so I found something that you will always remember me by.” She walked in the bedroom and bought out the pink box with a beautiful bow. She handed it to him.

“Damn Ma, you didn’t have to do this thank you Baby.”

He stood up and kissed her. He opened the box and there was the velvet box resting on top of the letters.

“Those are all the letters I wrote you while you were away. I never forgot you. I am so sorry I never mailed them when you needed them the most. I appreciate everything you have done for me. I just wanted you to know for all those ten years a day didn’t go by that I never stopped loving you.

He sat her on his lap and he wrapped her in his arms around her. He opened the velvet box and the 24kt gold pocket watch caught his breath and he ran his finger over it. Memories of his grandfather flash flooded his mind. He looked inside of it was a picture of him as a child with his grandfather. Karamella took his level of love, admiration, and respect to another level no one in the world could understand. He intertwined her fingers in his.