My eyes are green ’cause I eat a lot of vegetables.
It don’t have nothin’ to do wit’ your new friend . . .
Erykah Badu, “Green Eyes”
“Smoke” by Mary J. Blige was stuck on repeat. Gray sat on her butt with her knees up to her chest, singing the words as tears slid out the corners of her eyes and under her chin. “Why you’re gone, the reason is supposed to make sense, but it don’t, but it don’t, it don’t, it don’t . . . ohhhhh, it don’t.” Almost a week had gone by and she hadn’t left her room. Gray knew it was wrong to call off of work, but she just couldn’t handle the pressure of having to concentrate on work and deal with a broken heart.
It seemed like the only time she moved was when the smell from her body got to be too much to bear. Food had become a foreign object, and sleep was a concept she for some reason couldn’t grasp. Every time she moved, Gray could sense that her stomach had caved in, but she didn’t care. It didn’t matter that she was so weak and feeble she could barely walk. The only thing that mattered was that Gunz was gone. He’d tried calling to apologize for the way things went down, but all they would end up doing was arguing.
Gray stressed how he lied and cheated, but none of that was of his concern anymore. She’d gone through his phone and betrayed his trust, so now things were over, finito, finished, done. It fucked Gray up that out of all the bullshit he’d put her through, this was how their so-called relationship ended. There were numerous times she could’ve told him to step, but she didn’t. Maybe that was her fault for looking past all the warning signs.
Since she’d known Gunz, he’d done nothing but shower her with lies. And yes, it was wrong, but she wished him nothing but antagonizing pain and loneliness. She hoped his nights were cold and filled with remorseful memories of her. Like Jazmine Sullivan, she wanted to bust the windows out of his car. It wouldn’t mend her broken heart, but Gunz couldn’t go around playing with people’s feelings, especially hers.
As Gray grabbed a tissue to blow her nose, she heard a loud knock on the front door. She wondered who could’ve gotten past the gate. Wiping her face, she walked briskly down the steps.
“Who is it?” Her voice cracked.
“Us, girl. Open up the goddamn door,” Tee-Tee responded.
Gray loved her friends, but she really wasn’t in the mood for a bunch of “I told you so.” Inhaling deeply, she wiped the disappointed look off her face and opened the door. The whole squad was there: Tee-Tee, Kema, and Heidi. They’d even brought her favorite guilty pleasure, McDonald’s.
“Guuuurl, you look a hot mess.” Tee-Tee tuned up his lips, almost not wanting to come in.
“Fuck you.” Gray turned around, leaving them standing there.
“No, fuck you, lookin’ like who did it and what . . . the . . . fuck . . . fo’.” He and the girls came in and began taking off their coats and boots.
Gray was a wreck. Dried tears traced her face. She hadn’t combed her hair in weeks, and her body and water hadn’t spoken in days.
“Bitch, you know I’m over here going through something.” Gray plopped down onto her zebra print chaise lounge.
“You over here smellin’ like something too. What, you and Jarrod been talkin’, comparing notes and shit about who funk smell the best?”
“Nigga, don’t be talkin’ about my man,” Heidi jumped in.
“Now he yo’ man? I swear y’all bitches is crazy! Ain’t got not one bit of damn sense! You up here shacking up wit’ a goddamn dirt ball.” He pointed to Heidi. “You over here ten seconds away from a nut house behind a man that told you . . . from day one he ain’t want a relationship! And you,”—he looked at Kema—“you’ll open up yo’ legs for anybody wit’ a dollar bill!”
“You goddamn right.” Kema lifted her legs in the air. “All money is good money.”
“That’s a goddamn shame.” Tee-Tee pursed his lips, shaking his head.
“Anyway, I know yo’ ass ain’t talkin’,” Heidi snapped. “It wasn’t too long ago when we had to have a “fuck ’em, girl” meeting for yo’ ass.”
“See, you always bringing up old shit,” he snarled. “But this ain’t about me. I gots me a dime piece. This about this depressed ho. You better get yo’ mind together. Fuck Gunz. He ain’t nobody. We told you not to fuck wit’ his ol’ lying, sexy ass in the first place.”
“Okay, now, how is that helping me any? And GIVE ME MY GODDAMN FOOD!” Gray snatched the bag from his hands.
“Oh, see, yo’ hungry ass done lost yo’ mind. Gray, don’t make me dropkick you.”
“Whateva,” she replied, munching on a hot crispy fry.
“For real, Gray, you do gotta get up.” Heidi rubbed the outside of her hand. “And I’m not saying it’s not okay to cry, but cry, wipe your eyes, and get something accomplished. Your life has not stopped because that nigga ain’t around no more. He wanna step, let him go, ’cause at the end of the day, you can’t make somebody want to be wit’ you. It’s either they do or they don’t. If a nigga tellin’ you he don’t want to be in a relationship, then you gotta respect that and play your position or move on.”
“I mean, I understand that, but we had an understanding that we weren’t supposed to be seeing other people. He promised that if he started fuckin’ wit’ somebody else that he would let me know,” Gray tried to explain.
“Gray, are you listening to yourself right now?” Kema looked at her like she was retarded. “What man in they right mind gon’ tell you that he fuckin’ wit’ somebody else? Ain’t no nigga gon’ do that shit, especially if they like you. That nigga was gon’ keep on fuckin’ you and whoever else he was fuckin’.”
“Personally, I blame you.” Tee-Tee sat back in his seat and crossed his legs.
“Excuse me?” Gray arched her right eyebrow in surprise.
“You’re excused. Gunz has remained who he is since the beginning. He told you ‘I like you, I enjoy spending time with you, and I wanna keep you in my life, but I’m . . . not . . . the man for . . . you.’ You the one that tried to make y’all li’l relationship more than what it was. You tried to make Gunz be this prince charming, riding in on a white horse, when really, from the start, all y’all shoulda been was fuck buddies.”
It hurt like hell to hear it, but Gray knew her friends were right.
“I mean, do you even think that he loved you?” Heidi asked.
“Honestly, I do. I just think that things got to be way too much too soon for him, and that I wanted him to be more than what he was.”
“Well, I just hope you don’t go back to him,” Kema proclaimed.
“You do not have to worry about that. Me and Gunz are over for good.”
Gunz zoned out and bobbed his head to the mellow ’70s classic, “Sunshine,” by Roy Ayers. Lying back with his feet propped up, he inhaled smoke from a Garcia Vega. It was rolled so tight it could barely hit. Gunz was on a mission to get as high as the sky. His heart missed Gray too much to deal with the fact that she was gone. Maybe he’d overreacted by saying they needed a break, but things between them had to change.
She didn’t trust him, and maybe that was his fault; but from the moment he stepped to her door promising he was a changed man, he had been. Gunz had finally set all the bullshit aside and aligned his heart with hers. He just hated that once again he was to blame for her pain, but he’d warned her from the start that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Somehow, all of that got lost in the wind and he was branded the bad guy. Now shit was all fucked up. He’d ended their relationship on an immature impulse, and Gray wasn’t trying to hear a word he had to say.
That didn’t stop Gunz from wanting her back. He was a man with pride, but some nights, his body ached to be near her so bad it made him sick. He longed to hear the sound of her sweet voice. Gunz just wished he could talk to her.
His wish came true when his phone started to ring. He didn’t even bother to look at the screen.
“Hello?”
“We need to talk,” a female voice said.
“Who is this?”
“Devin.”
“Do the Naomi Campbell walk, Naomi Campbell walk. Walk across the room like Naomi Campbell!” All the girls sang the words to Beyoncé’s song as Tee-Tee strutted down the hallway of his condo with his hand on his hip.
“You . . . better . . . work,” Kema yelled, clapping.
Gray cracked up laughing. This was what her life had been missing—fun. For months, all she had was one drama-filled moment after another, but no more. It was New Year’s Eve and she was gonna start the new year off right. Taking center stage, Gray snapped for the kids.
“Okay, bitch,” Heidi shrilled in delight as Gray did her thing.
“That is my shit,” Gray stated, plopping down on the floor after the song went off.
“Right. I still bump that in the car,” Kema agreed.
“My big ass need a drink. Who else need their glass filled?” Tee-Tee asked, going into the kitchen.
“Me,” all three women yelled.
“Drunk asses!”
“Whateva. I need to drink,” Heidi confessed. “Jarrod ol’ dirty ass is driving me crazy.”
“Yo’ ass is insane. One minute he’s ya boo, and the next y’all broke up. Which one is it?” Gray quizzed.
“Right now we’re broke up, but his retarded ass just won’t get the hint.”
“What he be doing, girl?”
“He calls my phone every five minutes wanting something. It has gotten to the point were half the time I don’t even answer my phone ’cause I’m afraid it’s him. At first I kind of felt bad for letting him go, but I can’t deal with a muthafucka who can’t read and don’t wash his ass. I mean, I could’ve bought that nigga Hooked on Phonics, but not taking baths? Uh-uh.” She twisted her face in disgust.
“I didn’t know the nigga couldn’t read,” Tee-Tee said, coming back into the room.
“I was too embarrassed to tell anybody. This muthafucka always tryin’ to take somebody to a nice restaurant knowing he can’t read shit on the menu. One night we went to Lucas Park and Grille to eat. This dumb coon pronounces it grillay.”
“Hell to the naw.”
“Then he pronounces café, calf.”
“Wow.”
“He gets on my damn nerves. I swear to God. But anyway, what’s going on wit’ you and King?” Heidi turned her attention to Kema.
“He cool. I mean, you know I’m still doing me, but he a cool li’l daddy. I just talked to him the other day. By the way, I ain’t know Gunz got a baby on the way.”
“Wit’ who?” Gray scrunched up her face and placed down her glass.
“The chick that he cheated on you with. I thought you knew.”
“By the way she looking, evidently not,” Tee-Tee barked. “You okay, mama?”
“I guess,” she replied, stunned.
“Girl, fuck him,” Kema retorted. “Don’t be sittin’ up there getting all depressed again over that shit. You was too good for his ass anyway.”
“Her feelings are still hurt, Kema.” Tee-Tee rolled his eyes.
“Fuck that! You think he over there trippin’ off her? No! ’Cause guess what? He a nigga. The same day they broke up, I bet you he ate, put on some clothes, went out, and came back home and went to sleep while her ass”—she pointed at Gray—“was sittin’ at home, cryin’ her eyes out.”
“I’ll be back.” Gray got up from the floor.
“Look what you did.” Tee-Tee pushed Kema in the arm. “If she start cryin’, I swear to God it’s gon’ be a ‘code ten, man down’ situation.”
Gray stepped outside onto the balcony. The sky was as dark as Gunz’s skin. There was no way it could be true. Devin couldn’t be pregnant. If she was, that meant he was fucking them both without a condom. She had to get confirmation.
Gray pulled out her cell phone and dialed his number. He picked up on the second ring. It was almost like he’d been waiting on her phone call.
“You busy?” she asked.
“Nah, you good.”
Gray could tell from the tone of his voice that he was smoking.
“I called to ask you a question.”
“What’s up?” He exhaled the smoke.
“And please just tell me the truth. Do you and Devin have a baby on the way?”
Gunz sucked in his bottom lip and closed his eyes. Everything in him wanted to lie, but lying had gotten them in the position they were in now. He just knew if he told the truth, things between them would be over for good.
“Yeah, man,” he finally answered.
If Gray had a gun, she would’ve shot him. “So you were fuckin’ her while you were fuckin’ me?”
“It wasn’t even nothing like that.”
“Well, what was it, Gunz?” Her voice trembled. “Are y’all together?”
“Thanks to you, I ain’t wit’ nobody.”
“I can’t believe this shit.” She shook her head in disbelief. “This shit is crazy. You got a fuckin’ baby on the way.”
For a couple of seconds, they sat in silence, unsure of what to say. Neither wanted to be the one to say good-bye, but the words were inevitable.
“Well . . . that’s all I wanted,” Gray finally spoke up. “So that’s it, huh?”
“I mean, what else do you want me to say?”
“I guess nothing.”
“All right then.”
“Bye,” Gunz replied before hanging up.
Truth held Gray up by the waist and led her into her loft. They’d just left Brennan’s in the Central West End. Gray was wasted. All night she’d gone on and on about Gunz, and although Truth would’ve rather discussed dog feces, he played the role of supportive friend and listened. He hadn’t even tripped off the fact that she’d drunk too much. By the end of the night, Gray’s words had started to slur. When she went to stand up, her legs gave out and he had to catch her. That’s when he knew she’d had enough. Truth picked her up and carried her into her bedroom.
“I need to go pee.” She tapped him in the chest.
“No, you don’t, Gray.”
“How you gon’ tell me what I gotta do?” she yelled.
“ ’Cause you just got done peeing two minutes ago in the lobby restroom.”
“Oh . . . I sure did.” She giggled. “Arggggggh, excuse me.” She burped then cracked up laughing.
“Come on and lay down.” Truth placed her down onto the bed.
Gray was so out of it that she couldn’t even take off her own clothes.
“Gunz, take off my shoe.”
“What did you say?” Truth asked, standing in front of the bed.
“You heard me. Take off my shoe.” She propped her right leg up in the air.
The bottom of her dress fell up above her waist. Truth could see the white silk lining of her panties. Her body had changed since back in high school. Gray’s thighs and legs were succulent and firm.
“Baby, what you waiting on?” she whined, running her fingers through her hair.
Truth realized in his heart that what he was about to do was wrong, but he couldn’t hold back the urge to kiss Gray. If she thought he was Gunz, he’d happily play along.
With her foot in his hand, he slowly undid the strap on her heel. Gray had the prettiest feet. She always kept them polished and pedicured. Truth took her pinky toe in his mouth and sucked.
“Oooooh, Gunz,” she moaned.
“You like that, baby?”
“Yes.”
Truth lovingly placed a trail of kisses from her feet down to the inner part of her thigh. The print of her pussy was staring him right in the face. He had to get a taste. Truth set the seat of her panties aside. Closing his eyes, he placed his nose up to the lips of her pussy and inhaled. He would forever cherish the scent. Truth swirled his tongue around the bud of her clit. It instantly hardened, letting him know she was aroused.
“Gunz, I love you.” She rubbed the top of Truth’s head.
“I love you too.”
“Ahhhhhh,” Gray groaned when she woke up the next morning.
She could hear the sound of bacon crackling downstairs. The smell made her sick. The question was, who was at her house cooking breakfast? Covering her mouth, she tried to prevent herself from throwing up. Unable to suppress the chunks of food in the back of her throat, she ran to the master bathroom. She barely made it to the toilet before pink vomit spewed from her mouth and slid down her chin.
Gray placed her hands on the toilet to balance herself. The cold tile from the marble floor caused a chill to run up her spine. After throwing up once more, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Nauseated beyond belief, she slowly got up from the floor and made her way over to the sink. Gray turned on the faucet. A mixture of cold and hot water poured into her hands. Bending over, she splashed her face. The warm water soothed her skin.
“I didn’t know you were up,” she heard a voice say from behind.
Scared out of her mind, Gray jumped and turned around.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Truth grabbed a fresh towel from the rack.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, confused by his presence.
“What do you mean, silly?” He took the towel and patted her face.
Gray grabbed his hands and stopped him. “No, for real. What are you doing here?” This time she asked in a tone that let him know she wasn’t playing.
“You don’t remember, do you?” he asked with a quizzical expression on his face.
“Remember what?”
“I spent the night. We slept together, Gray.”
“What you mean, like slept in the bed wit’ each other?”
“No, slept together, slept together,” he stressed.
“No, we didn’t.” She laughed.
Truth stood frozen with a deranged look on his face. “What’s so funny?”
“You.” Gray turned back to face the mirror. “You know damn well we didn’t sleep together.”
“Why would I lie to you about something like that?”
“You’re serious?” She turned back around.
“Yes, you told me you loved me.”
Gray was mortified. Had she really slept with Truth? For the first time since she woke up, she looked down at herself. She was still in the dress from the night before, except the airy sensation between her legs let her know her panties were missing. Gray rushed past Truth and into her room. The bed was a mess. The white Victoria’s Secret panties she wore had been thrown in the middle of the floor. Truth’s clothes were too.
“Are you gonna be okay?” Truth questioned as she sat on the edge of her bed.
“Yeah, I’m just in shock. I don’t remember a thing.”
“Well, that makes me feel good,” he stated in a sarcastic tone.
“Oh no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” She patted his hand.
“It’s cool. You enjoyed yourself last night; I promise.”
“That’s good to know,” she stated mockingly. “Did we use a condom?”
“No. You said you didn’t want me to,” Truth lied.
“Really?” Gray asked, unsure.
“Gray, why would I lie to you?”
“It’s just all so weird.” She massaged her temples.
“Look, everything is going to be okay.” He bent down and caressed her face. “Trust me. Now, I cooked breakfast, so once you get cleaned up, come downstairs and eat.”
“Truth, we need to talk.”
“Shhhh.” He placed his index finger up to her lips. “Not right now. Let’s just enjoy the moment.”
Gray could see how happy he was. She didn’t want to hurt him, but eventually it would have to be done. She would never see him in a romantic way. She hoped when the time was right for her to tell him, he’d understand.
It was one of those days where everything seemed to go wrong. From the minute Gunz woke up, it had been one bad thing after another. Watts called and said that a shipment was lost; then Devin called and said she didn’t feel good and was too afraid to be alone, so Gunz got out of bed and went to get her. Since then, he’d regretted his decision. If she wasn’t nagging him, she was complaining.
Gunz didn’t know how he would be able to put up with her for eighteen more years. On top of that, his mother called with news that his father was in the hospital. She wouldn’t tell him what for, though, over the phone. Gunz pulled up to Barnes-Jewish Hospital with Devin in tow. She refused to stay back at his house. After stopping at the receptionist’s desk, they hopped on an elevator to the triage center. Gunz’s mother, grandmother, and uncles were already there.
“Gavin.” His grandmother rushed over to him.
“What’s going on?”
“Uh-uh, who is this?” She stepped in front of him and stared Devin up and down.
“Hi. I’m Devin.” She stuck out her hand for a shake.
“Hi. . . . Where is Gray?”
“At home, I guess. Can we talk about that later?” Gunz spoke, aggravated.
“Sorry. Look, sweetie, I’m not tryin’ to be rude, but this is a family matter. Do you mind stepping outside?”
“No problem.” Devin faked a smile.
Once she was out of the room, Gunz’s grandmother sat him down. He stared over at his father. He was asleep, with tubes in his nose and arms. He looked completely different from the last time he’d seen him at the barbecue. His skin was dry and ashy. He looked like he’d lost over fifteen pounds. For the first time, Gunz allowed himself to feel sorry for him.
“What’s wrong wit’ him? Why he look like that?” he asked.
“Gavin, your father is dying.”
“What?” He turned with a bewildered look on his face.
“You father has full blown AIDS.”
“I wanted to tell you, sweetie.” His mother placed her hand on his shoulder.
Gunz didn’t know what to say. Was he supposed to cry, or show some type of emotion? He’d just gotten used to the idea of his father being back around, and now he was about to taken away again, this time for good.
“Why you ain’t tell me?”
“He didn’t want us to.”
“So that’s what we do now in this family—keep secrets?”
“Don’t be mad at them, Gavin,” his father spoke in a raspy voice.
“Joseph, you need to rest.” His mother stroked his hand.
“I know, ma.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.” Gray rushed into the room.
Gunz spun around in his seat and looked in her direction. He couldn’t have been more surprised to see her. It had been over a month since their last encounter. It felt good to see her face; being around her made him feel relaxed.
For Gray, all of the feelings she’d been trying to suppress came flooding back. She quickly looked the other way.
“Gray, it’s so good to see you.” His mother hugged her.
“What is she doing here?” Gunz asked.
“Uh-uh, rudeness.” Vivian wagged her finger at him.
“What?”
“I told them to invite her,” Joseph spoke up.
“How are you feeling, Mr. Marciano?” Gray asked, ignoring Gunz.
“Okay, I guess.”
“Gunz, can I talk to you for a second?” Devin asked, reentering the room.
For some reason, Gray was shocked to see her. Her eyes immediately darted to her stomach. She wasn’t showing yet.
“Uh, yeah.” He got up to leave.
He was almost happy to. The tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
“What is it?”
“I just wanted to know was everything all right?” she asked, sincerely worried.
“No . . . look here.” He went into his pocket. “Why don’t you go on home?”
“Why, ’cause she’s here?” she shot, ready to go off.
“No, because I’m askin’ you to. Besides, you said you wasn’t feeling good. Don’t you think you need to go home and rest?” Gunz tried to reason.
Devin wanted to object, but she couldn’t argue his point.
“All right.” She took the money. “Will you at least call me when you get home?”
“I can’t make you no promises. I’ll see what I can do.”
Devin looked into his troubled eyes and attempted to kiss his lips, but Gunz wasn’t feeling it, so instead he turned his face and gave her his cheek. Devin was devastated. If only Gunz could see how much she adored him. Instead of reacting negatively to his dismissal of her kiss, she simply gave him a slight smile and pressed the DOWN button on the elevator.
Once she was gone, Gunz went back into the room.
“Can you all give me and Gavin a minute alone?” Joseph requested.
Everybody obliged his wish and stepped out into the hallway. Gunz pulled up a seat next to his bed.
“You know Gray is sure sweet on you.” Joseph tried to smile.
“How you know?”
“ ’Cause every time you walk out of the room her eyes turn gray. And when you return, they turn blue again.”
“That’s impossible.” Gunz waved him off.
“How do you know, smart guy? You ever seen the color of her eyes when you’re not in the room?”
“Hmm.” He rubbed his chin.
“You know, I know we haven’t had the best relationship, but I really want the best for you. I don’t want you to be like me, Gavin. My life has been a mess. I didn’t have anybody and it was my entire fault. I pushed everyone away.
“Now, I don’t know what’s going on wit’ you and Gray, but I seen how happy you were with her. Don’t let your pride hinder you, son. You’ll regret it in the end. Believe me; I know. Every time I see you and your mother, I regret my decisions. You all mean the world to me. And I know it might not mean much to you, but I was at Adriana’s funeral.”
Gunz looked at his father, shocked.
“I attended the burial. I saw you holding your mother.”
Tears slipped from his eyes as he thought back on the day.
“Why didn’t you let us know you were there?” Gunz asked, confused.
“Y’all were going through enough and I didn’t want to make it worse. Besides, you didn’t need to see me like that. I was a mess.”
“And here I was thinking all these years that you didn’t care.”
“I’ve always loved you, son. I love you more than you know. The problem was that I didn’t know how to love myself.”