Whenever you look at me . . .
Adele, “Cold Shoulder”
Chapter Fifteen
For the past three months, Gray had been feeling nauseated and fatigued. Every ten minutes she had to pee, and her breasts had even been tender and swollen, but she didn’t pay it any mind because her period was still coming; however, during the third month of her symptoms, her period didn’t make its monthly visit. That’s when Gray became worried.
Now she sat alone in a state of shock. Her mind couldn’t comprehend what she was seeing. There she was, sitting on top of the toilet seat with a white stick in her hand. The pregnancy test confirmed that she was indeed pregnant. Truth would be ecstatic to learn the news. They’d been spending a lot of time together.
The problem was Gray didn’t know how she felt about it. She’d always envisioned herself being a mother; she just never pictured the father being Truth. They weren’t even a couple.
“What am I gonna do?” she spoke out loud to herself as she stood up and faced the mirror.
Gray was the epitome of grace and beauty. Her hair, makeup, and clothes were flawless as usual. People around her thought her life was picture perfect and that she had it going on. If only they knew that she felt sad and worn out on the inside. Plus, thoughts of what Gunz would think when he found out tormented her mind.
Why the fuck do you even care? He got a baby on the way too, her conscience screamed.
Gray felt stupid and confused. The only thing she could do was gaze off into space and shake her head; that was, until her assistant, Breann, buzzed her office. Gray quickly pulled herself together, washed her hands, and rushed over to her desk.
She cleared her throat before speaking. “Yes.”
“Sorry to bother you, Gray, but can you come out to my desk? I think you need to take a second look at the Perfect Proposal article before I send it over to Sienna.”
“Sure, Breann, I’ll be right there.”
Gray wondered what the problem could be as she walked over to the door. She’d gone over the article a million times. It was perfect.
“So what’s the problem?” she asked.
“Right here.” Breann turned the paper around to face Gray. “Look at this.”
To Gray’s surprise, written in bold print letters were: GRAY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
“What?” she whispered.
“Behind you.” Breann pointed and giggled.
Gray swiftly spun around and found Truth, along with Sienna and all of her other coworkers, smiling. Truth was charmingly handsome in a classic black Hugo Boss suit. The lapel of the jacket was unbuttoned, revealing a crisp white shirt. On his feet were a pair of patent leather lace-up Salvatore Ferragamo dress shoes. A robust bouquet of pink peonies and a small black velvet box completed the picture perfect moment.
“Are you okay?” he asked, handing her the flowers and taking her hand.
“Uhhhh, I guess,” Gray answered, flabbergasted.
“Look, I know you’re in shock.” Truth got down on one knee.”But, Gray, I love you. I’ve loved you from the day we met, and I know that if you give us a chance, I can make you happy. You’re the one for me. Please tell me I’m the one for you and say yes.”
Gray stood shell shocked as everyone looked on, awaiting her answer. She couldn’t believe Truth was proposing. Yes, they’d been hanging out a lot, but she hadn’t made any real commitment to him.
Maybe it’s a sign, she thought. Gray was carrying his baby. Maybe they were supposed to be together. She and Gunz didn’t have a future. He was building a life with Devin. Why should she deprive herself of some happiness too?
“Yes, I’ll marry you.”
The smile on Truth’s face lit up the entire room. Everyone clapped and cheered as he placed a Martin Flyer platinum-beaded round diamond engagement ring onto her finger. Truth stood up and took her into his arms.
“You are making me so happy,” he spoke softly into her ear.
“Uh-huh.” Gray hugged him back, all the while thinking, What am I doing?
Gunz sped down 1-70 blasting “Live Your Life” by T.I. and Rihanna. Bobbing his head to the beat, he mashed his foot on the gas. The speedometer raced up to eighty miles per hour. Thoughts of his father swarmed his mental museum. He’d spent the last three hours at the hospital with him. Watching his father die was a tiring and agonizing experience.
Each day, his father grew more weak and exhausted. He’d lost so much weight that he was barely recognizable. The one good part of it all was the many long conversations he and Gunz shared. Joseph called it droppin’ jewels. During their daily chats, he relayed many life lessons he’d learned throughout the years.
Gunz listened with an open heart and mind to each story. He’d learned that although his father wasn’t a perfect man and had made many mistakes, he was very smart and insightful. He realized that in life you needed two things: your family and the love of a good woman. Gunz already had his family by his side; the only thing missing was Gray. Pushing her away was the worst decision he’d made in life thus far.
Gunz was just getting off the exit when he received a call from his mother.
“What up, Ma?” he asked, excited to hear her voice.
“Gavin . . .”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know how to tell you this, but . . . your father just passed.”
“You got it smelling good in here.” Gray stepped into the kitchen and watched as Truth cut up pieces of chicken into cubes. He was preparing her favorite meal, chicken and shrimp alfredo with broccoli.
“Thanks, Future.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek.
A flashback of Gunz uttering the same words instantly entered her mind.
“Can you please not call me that?” She turned and opened the fridge.
“Why not? You are my future wife.”
“I know. I just . . . don’t like the term, that’s all.” Gray poured herself a glass of cranberry apple juice.
“A’ight,” Truth replied, slightly put off.
It bothered him that since his proposal, Gray hadn’t been able to look him in the eye. When she did, it was almost like she was seeing through him. It was obvious that her heart wasn’t his. It still belonged to Gunz. Truth was nothing more than her rebound guy, but with time, after they were married and the baby was born, she’d feel differently.
“Ay, can you turn the stereo on for me?” he asked.
“Sure. What do you wanna hear?”
“I don’t know. Something good.”
After taking a sip of her drink, Gray placed down her cup and went into the living room. She still couldn’t get over the fact that she was engaged—and pregnant, at that. Truth had responded just like she knew he would when she told him the news of her pregnancy. He was overjoyed. He couldn’t wait to call his mother and give her the exciting information.
Gray sat on the floor and went through her CD case. After a moment of deliberation, she decided to put in Eric Roberson’s first disk, Presents: The Vault, Vol 1. She loved his velvety voice.
As she eased her way up from the floor, there was a knock on the door. Not expecting any guests, Gray wondered who could’ve gotten past the gate.
“I’ll get it, babe. You sit down and rest,” Truth suggested.
“No, I’ll get it.” She waved him back into the kitchen.
Gray unlocked the door, and to her amazement, standing there as clear as day was Gunz. He was no longer a mere memory and a man from her past. He was there, close enough to touch. Gray quickly closed the door behind her and stepped out into the hallway.
“My bad. I ain’t mean to stop by announced. I just needed to holla at you for a second,” he spoke while looking everywhere else but her face.
“What’s wrong?”
“My ol’ dude just passed.”
“Gunz, I am so sorry to hear that.” She reached out and caressed his arm.
She had only witnessed it once before, but it looked as if Gunz had tears in his eyes.
“I wish there was something I could do.”
“This shit is fucked up, yo.” His voice trembled as he finally became able to stare into her slanted blue eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Gunz.” Gray lovingly placed her arms around his waist.
Gunz, without hesitation, wrapped his arms around her as well. Everything in that moment made sense. Their bodies molded together like clay and they became one. Gray never wanted to leave his side. Gunz felt the same way. She would forever hold his heart in her hands.
“Babe, are you okay?” Truth opened the door.
“Yeah.” She abruptly let Gunz go and stepped back.
Truth tried to hide the fury that was raging inside of him, but hate for Gunz flooded his eyes.
“Umm . . . Gunz’s father just died.” Gray tried to explain.
“No need to explain, sweetheart.” Truth looked at Gunz and kissed the outside of her left hand.
Gray’s engagement ring gleamed like the sun. Gunz didn’t know how he hadn’t recognized it before. Gray focused her attention on the floor. She couldn’t bear seeing the throbbing look of pain in Gunz’s eyes.
“Did you tell him, sweetheart?” Truth smirked.
“Truth, stop.” Gray shot him a look that could kill.
“What? I think the man needs to know we’re getting married and you’re having my baby.”
“Gunz . . .” Gray tried to explain.
“It’s good, ma.” He sucked in his bottom lip and massaged his chin. “Like I said, my bad for just poppin’ up. Y’all have a good night.”
The Waffle House was filled to the brim with people. It was a Sunday morning in April. Kema, Heidi, Tee-Tee, and Gray shared a booth, awaiting their food. Gray could barely fit in the seat; her stomach was so big. She was four months pregnant and showing a lot. That didn’t stop her from ordering the All-Star Special Breakfast, which consisted of a waffle, eggs, hash browns, toast, sausage, bacon, and orange juice. On top of that, she added on a side of grits.
“Girl, yo’ ass gon’ be as big as a house you keep on eating like that,” Tee-Tee commented.
“Leave my pooh-pooh alone.” Heidi hugged Gray. “She looks beautiful, and I can’t wait till my god-baby get here.”
“Yo’ god-baby?” Tee-Tee scrunched up his forehead. “I think you got it confused, miss. That is my god-baby.”
“Both y’all bitches got it twisted,” Kema confirmed. “I’ma be the god-mama. Ain’t that right, Gray?”
“First of all, all three of y’all are crazy. Tee-Tee, you’re the god-mama.”
“Boo-yah!” He clapped his hands then snapped his fingers. “Told you! Now, take that in ya ass!”
“Heidi and Kema, you are too.”
“What?” Tee-Tee curled his lips.
“You all are my best friends, so all of y’all will be godparents.”
“Whaaateva.” He twisted up his lip and rolled his eyes. “So have you started planning the wedding?”
“Nope. I’m going to wait until the baby is born.”
“I think you should call it off,” Kema retorted, rolling her eyes.
“Why?” Heidi said, astonished. “Truth loves her.”
“Exactly. Truth loves her. She don’t love him. And besides that, his ass is two screws away from being crazy.”
“Truth is not crazy.”
“Shiiiiit.”
“Okay, can you quit talkin’ about the father of my child like that, please?” Gray cocked her neck to the side.
“I’m just sayin’.” Kema threw up her hands in defeat.
“He do be having that Hand That Rocks the Cradle look in his eye sometimes,” Tee-Tee agreed.
“Don’t he?” Kema laughed, giving him a high five.
“Fuck the both of ya’s, all right,” Gray shot.
“Girl, forget them,” Heidi jumped in. “Now, why aren’t we planning our wedding?”
“Did this bitch not get the memo? She . . . don’t . . . love . . . Truth,” Tee-Tee announced.
“Okay, can you be any more louder?” Gray looked around the restaurant, embarrassed.
“So you really don’t love him?” Heidi questioned.
“I mean, I want to love him, but I just don’t see him that way.”
“Well, why are you marrying him then?”
“’Cause her retarded ass don’t want to be alone,” Tee-Tee declared.
“And because Gunz is wit’ Devin,” Kema added.
“Are they serious?” Heidi asked, sincerely worried.
“No, that is not the reason.” Gray gave Tee-Tee and Kema the finger. “I’m marrying him because it’s the right thing to do.”
“You sound like one of them dumb-ass bitches on Desperate Housewives.” Tee-Tee couldn’t help but laugh.
“Keep on making fun of me and I’m gon’ leave.”
“Yo’ ass ain’t going nowhere. Don’t be mad at us ’cause we know the truth. You still in love wit’ Gunz, and I dare you to say that you ain’t.” He pointed his fork in her face.
“If you don’t get that fork out my face, I’ma stick it up yo’ loose ass,” she warned.
“You ain’t know? I likes it rough.” Tee-Tee rolled his chest and danced.
“Ughh, you get on my nerves.”
“Do you still love him, Gray?” Heidi asked, dying to know.
“Yeah, I do. So what?”
“Then you gotta break this engagement off. That ain’t right, Gray.”
“Look, I know that it’s fucked up to be engaged to one person but in love with another, but what am I supposed to do? Gunz has moved on with Devin. They have a baby on the way, and so do I. Truth loves me, and I know that he’ll make a great father and a good husband. And eventually, my feelings will change. Who knows? The baby might bring us closer together.”
“I just hope you’re doing the right thing.”
“Me too, friend. Me too.”
Silence filled the room. The stark white walls and sheets that covered the furniture in Gunz’s condo reminded him of death. Everything in his life that he loved was gone. He had no one to turn to or lean on. Gunz had ended up just like his father said he would be—alone. There he was, isolated from the world.
His elbows rested on the back of the couch while a pair of shades concealed his eyes. In one more hour, his condo would no longer be his. He’d sold it for a quarter of a million dollars, but the money didn’t mean a thing to him. Gunz just wanted his life back. He needed to feel whole again. He needed his lifeline back. He needed Gray. Without her, nothing was as it should be. The time they’d spent apart had made him a better man. All the games he’d played had been thrown away. He wanted nothing more than to give her his all. He didn’t care that she belonged to someone else. She was his, and that would always remain the same.
What they shared couldn’t even be compared to a summer’s day. If he could have one wish in the world, it would be to wake up to the sound of her breath on his neck, or to feel the touch of her hands on his skin. There was no corner or dark place her love couldn’t fill, but so much stuff stood in between them. Gunz didn’t know if they could ever make their way back to one another again.
“Gunz, are you here?” Devin asked, peeking her head in the door.
“Yeah,” he answered, unsure of why she was there.
“How are you?” she asked, taking a seat next to him.
“I’m good. You?”
“I’m fine. I just stopped by to check on you.”
“I thought you had a doctor’s appointment today at one.” Gunz checked his watch. It was 1:30 PM.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you I rescheduled it,” she answered nervously.
Gunz eyed her suspiciously. From the minute Devin told him she was pregnant, he’d had doubts, but her increasingly odd behavior made him doubt her even more. The fact that she was six months pregnant and not showing also alarmed him.
“So what day you reschedule it for?”
“Uhh . . . next Tuesday.”
“Well, I’m going wit’ you this time.”
“No! You don’t have to. My mama gon’ go wit’ me.”
“Well, we’ll all go then,” Gunz confirmed. “Ain’t you supposed to be having an ultrasound done?”
“Yeah, but I’m tellin’ you it’s fine. You don’t have to be there,” she declared, feeling suffocated.
“Why every time I try to go to the doctor wit’ you, you got an excuse?” he said with a menacing stare.
“What are you talkin’ about? Ain’t nobody got no excuse. I just know how busy you are.” Devin shot up, offended, her back now facing him.
“What doctor do you be going to anyway?”
“I go to a clinic. Why you askin’ me so many questions? What, you think I’m lyin’?” she asked, agitated.
“I mean, that’s what it seems like. I’m tryin’ to be involved, but you don’t want me to.”
“I want you to be involved, but don’t treat me like a liar.”
“Okay, if you ain’t lyin’, then what clinic you go to and what’s your doctor’s name? As a matter of fact, when the last time you went to the doctor and what the doctor say?” Gunz quizzed.
“Why?” Devin snapped.
“ ’Cause we supposed to be having a muthafuckin’ baby together and I don’t know shit! I got a muthafuckin’ seed coming into this world and I don’t even know when my baby due. When the baby due, Devin?”
“August, I guess.” She shrugged.
“You guessing, Devin. This ain’t no muthafuckin’ game to me. This real life.”
“Why you treating me like this?” She began to cry.
“What the fuck you cryin’ for? You cryin’ ’cause I’m askin’ you questions about what’s mine? This shit I need to know. I ain’t sign up for this. You sittin’ up here tellin’ me the baby due in August, but if you six months pregnant, the baby supposed to be here in July. A three-year-old could’ve calculated that.”
“You ain’t gon’ never love me, are you?” Devin’s bottom lip trembled.
“What the fuck are you talkin’ about? You know me and you not together.”
“I thought that tellin’ you that I was pregnant would bring us closer together, but whenever you look at me . . . I wish that I was her.”
“So that’s how you thought you would get my attention? Do you realize how fuckin’ stupid that is? How somebody gon’ lie for six months sayin’ they pregnant? Bitch, are you insane?” Gunz’s blood pressure rose.
“I just wanted to be wit’ you,” she cried.
“Man, if you don’t get yo’ crazy ass out my house!”
“Gunz, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, you sorry all right. Just get the fuck out my house!”
“Will you please let me explain?” she begged.
“Don’t make me have to tell you to leave one more time. Just g’on and burn out, real talk.”
Devin contemplated pleading her case, but the killer look in Gunz’s eyes told her to think otherwise. Swallowing her pride and the feelings she’d harbored for him, Devin held her head up as best as she could and walked out knowing she’d fucked up for real this time.