SAGE
I needed to lie down. My body throbbed with the exertion of my outbursts.
Jack didn’t move from the doorway, nor did he put his gun down, so that ruled out the bed or carpeted floor. I decided on the bathtub. I sunk my giant frame into the porcelain basin, comforted by the way the walls surrounded me. Ollie, seeing me settled, lay down on the carpet just outside the bathroom and rested his head on his paws, whimpering twice before falling quiet.
Jack waited a long time, watching me tap my hand rhythmically on the side of the tub. The beat soothed me, the repetition offered solace after the inability to communicate with words. Eventually, Jack lowered down into the doorway and leaned his head back against the frame. He rested his arm on his bent knees, keeping a relaxed hold on the gun in his hand.
He looked at me, looked away, looked at me again. It was like driving by a bad car accident on the road; he couldn’t bear to see me—the horrific disaster—but he couldn’t keep his eyes from wandering my direction anyway.
“I’ll kill my dad for doing this to you,” he said, no bit of hesitation in his voice.
My response was guttural and immediate.
I did it myself, you idiot! I did it myself so I could die! And now I’m caught in some sort of crazy in-between where I don’t feel like I’m dying but I’m not normal, either! And you don’t understand me, and your dad might have my eggs!
Ollie raised his head, watching me howl. I hadn’t lifted myself from the tub, but my arms swung wildly, attempting to make up for the lack of ability to express myself.
After I’d quieted, Jack just sat there, pondering my outburst.
This made me wonder about Finn. Had I looked at him the same way, while he struggled to communicate with me? Had he felt alone … frustrated … terrified?
But Finn’s eyes … they seemed so lost. He’d attacked me the first time. I’d never do that right now. At least not to people I knew and cared about ….
Still, in the end, Finn had recognized me on the island, at least enough to protect me. He’d known I was on his side. Would it be reverse for me? Understanding things at first, recognizing people, and then degrading to a less cognitive version of myself? Attacking the people I love?
The idea horrified me.
I emerged from my thoughts to find Jack still staring.
The tormented look on his face made me wonder what he was thinking. I urged my lips and tongue to work correctly, trying to form them into the sound of a question. Yes? Just say it.
Then, almost as if he’d read my mind or understood my primal sound, Jack started talking.
“Sage, if you’re in there. If some part of you can hear me, I need you to know something.”
Jack dropped his head into his hand and rubbed his forehead. “I just wish I’d told you this before now …. I wish I’d told you last night in the hotel room. Instead of today, now that it’s ….”
His voice trailed off, but he didn’t have to add his final thought to that sentence; I already knew what he meant to say. Now that it’s too late.
He bit hard on his bottom lip, working himself into whatever he was about to say. I sat frozen in the bathtub. My chest barely even moved; I held my breath in anticipation of his words. I couldn’t imagine what was about to come.
“When I found out … when my dad said he found the code in you … it … it freed me. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a solid reason to kill myself … because of you.”
My heart stopped.
It all made sense to me now. The reason Jack had gotten so defensive in the diner—the reason he didn’t want to talk about dying or killing me—it was because he no longer held that as his end goal.
And now … and now with me as a modwrog … it might be his goal again.
He pressed at his eyes with his index finger and thumb and sucked in a ragged breath of air.
“That was a gift to me, Sage. You were the biggest … gift ….” His voice broke, and he had to pause before lifting his chin. “You got to me. Just like Caesar said, just like you knew you had. I never wanted to admit it.”
He wiped his nose, half-smiled. “The bastard was right. I fell for you.”
His vulnerability hit me in my core. But still, I wondered. Would Jack have said all this if he knew I could understand every single word?