SAGE
I tried to let the hot water wash away the confusion from our kiss. I tried to piece together the rational possibilities why Jack and I always ended up like this—frustrated, silent, disconnected, not communicating. I couldn’t come up with all the reasons, and I wondered if they ran too deep to understand.
I found two large Band-Aids for my palm in the bathroom cabinet.
After my shower, Jack and I didn’t talk much. He seemed distant, distracted.
I was fine with that.
The television played. Jack drank a glass of ice water in the corner. I dozed on the bed, covered up with a small blanket on top of the comforter.
Later, Jack’s pacing woke me up.
That’s when I realized it was 5:00 am.
“Did you sleep?” I said to Jack.
He shook his head.
“Beckett’s not responding. He should have been here thirty minutes ago.”
I could tell Jack didn’t want to talk about it. So I stayed silent and watched a reality TV show rerun, rubbing absently at my stinging leg while I watched. Jack sat on the desk, leaning against the wall, legs dangling off the side, staring at his phone.
Ten more minutes passed. No Beckett.
Twenty minutes. No Beckett.
Thirty minutes. No Beckett.
Another half hour passed. No Beckett.
I pretended I was only getting anxious for Beckett’s safety, but a tiny seed of something else started forming in the pit of my stomach.
Doubt.
Jack hopped from the desk, talking to himself. “He won’t respond to my texts. Where is he?”
From his coat hanging on the chair by the door, Jack pulled out a packet of gum from his coat pocket and brought it back to the desk. He offered me a stick. I shook my head.
Jack looked at his phone for the eighty-ninth time. The seed in the pit of my stomach grew a little bigger. I sighed, not wanting to bring it up, but knowing I had to.
I sat up on the bed, lifting away from the pillows. “I’m just gonna put this out there, okay. Don’t take offense. I’m just exploring the options …. Are we sure Beckett is on our side?”
Jack set his phone down slowly.
“Why would you even say that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because Sven mentioned it as a possibility, and then I watched Beckett fake his way through the gala, and maybe because for three years I thought I knew Beck, but it turns out his life was a complete lie. And now, he’s supposed to be here, but he’s not.”
Jack lowered himself into the desk chair, spinning the packet of gum in his hands, shaking his head at me.
“You can’t let them do this to you. It’s exactly what my dad tries to do with Beckett and me. Separate allies, make us doubt our own loyalties to divide the group and make us weaker.”
Jack carefully placed his pack of gum on the corner of the desk.
“What did Sven say to you?”
“Just that Beckett might be working with your dad.”
“It’s a lie.”
“But Sven’s on our side, right? He’s working with my dad? So why would he say it?”
“And what about Beckett’s actions? Do those mean nothing? He rescued your dog. He wanted to give your our mom’s jewelry. Why would he do that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe to sway me.”
“Unbelievable.” Jack stood up. The desk chair rammed into the wall behind him.
“What if you’re blinded?” I cried. “Think about that! If Beckett’s not who he says he is, then he can’t be your scapegoat. Then you have no one to pass me off to, and the danger is you might have to actually feel something for once!”
“Don’t make this about me. This is about you. What about Beckett getting you out of the mansion? Why would he have done that? If Beckett’s on my dad’s side, why didn’t he just run off to his daddy with you when he had the chance?”
“I don’t know, okay? It’s just something to think about. Stop talking!”
My heart told me Jack was right. So why was I questioning? Did I want it to be real? Was this some perverse way for me to find fault in Beckett so I didn’t get burned all over again like I did in Kansas? Was I protecting myself so I wouldn’t open myself up to vulnerability, only to receive lies in return?
Or maybe, more than anything, if Beckett were bad, if he weren’t the boy I knew and remembered, then I wouldn’t have to pick.
“Listen,” Jack said. “I’m not sure what kind of game Sven is playing with you, but anything about Beckett being on Dad’s side is a complete lie. Beckett loves you, Sage. If you could hear the way he talks about you. He’s a good person, the best I know—and probably the only innocent person left in the lot of us—especially if you’ve gone dark by believing he’s a traitor.”
My heart pinged at Jack’s words about Beckett loving me, but I pushed them away, closed them in a tiny box deep in my chest and locked it. I couldn’t open that box right now. Too many times my heart got in the way of clear thinking. I wouldn’t let that happen to me again.
Jack jerked a piece of gum out of the packet and then threw the rest of the pack at the trashcan. He shoved the piece of gum into his mouth.
“Sven’s messing with your head.”
“Fine,” I said. “So where is Beckett now?”
Jack glanced at his phone again.
“Think about it, just for a second.” I pressed. “He did legitimately work with your dad to get to my family. I’m sure it’s hard to hear because he’s the last relative you have that’s supposedly on your side. But maybe you’re just overlooking signs because he’s your bro—”
“Enough.” Jack straightened in his chair. “I’m not listening to this anymore.”
“But, Jack. It’s something we should—”
“I said, enough!”
He rose, marched to the door, and slammed it behind him.