I didn’t cry at Jason’s funeral, though I was surrounded by all kinds of people in tears, including Leach and Dorfman.
My parents said they’d take time to come with me, but I convinced them it wasn’t necessary. So I went by myself. Jason’s mom spotted me after the service. She gripped hard onto my hand and wouldn’t let go as all the other adults came by to say how sorry they were. I felt confused, but I stood there until she was ready to let go. She never said one word to me.
Mr. Richards came up to me afterwards and said, “We’ll give you a ride home.” His voice sounded soft and kind.
“Okay.”
In the car, they said they wanted me to visit Kurt. He was recovering, they said, but was acting quite strange. They told me I shouldn’t be upset by anything he said.
“The poison is still in his system from when his liver wasn’t working right. They say it’ll take a while to straighten out.”
The next time I arrived at the hospital, nobody tried to keep me out. I walked with Kurt’s parents through the front door and up to that familiar room.
Kurt was propped up in bed and, it was true, he didn’t look good. His parents stayed outside and left the door closed.
“You all right?” I asked.
“Do I look all right?” he snapped.
“You look alive,” I said. “That’s a start.” But he had already hurt my feelings.
“Are you angry at me?” I asked tentatively.
He clenched a fist. He was angry with someone. “No. I don’t mean to be. I’m just having a hard time. I keep seeing images of Jason smashing up his bike. And I keep thinking about what a jerk the guy always was. And now part of him is in me and he … you two saved my life.” Kurt looked like he was about to scream. “And it’s all just so confusing. I don’t understand it. And I feel like hitting something.”
“I think it’s part of the process. I don’t know why. You’ll feel better eventually.”
“Yeah, so they say.” Kurt tried to replace the anger with something else. He smiled, then looked worried. “What if I’m not the same anymore? Are you still gonna like me?”
“Don’t be silly. Of course I’ll like you.” Leave it to Kurt to use the word like at a time like this. It made me feel that he was more back to normal than he thought. “Besides, I don’t care if you are different. I think we’re all different now.”
“I wish things could go back to the way they used to be. And I wish Jason was still alive.”
“We all wish that,” I said.
“You never gave up on me, did you? Not even when they tried to keep you away.”
“I did what I had to do.”
“You’re pretty amazing, you know.”
I think it was the first time anyone had ever said that to me. I didn’t know what to say, so I just looked away. Then he took my hand and held it in his. We both said nothing after that. When I turned my head and looked at him he had this big goofy grin on his face. And I laughed out loud.