Mitch disconnected the conference call in their hotel room.
“How often does that happen?” Adam asked.
“It’s happening more and more. Pisses me off that we don’t get a full brief,” Mitch said. “It’s like doing the job with one hand tied behind your back.”
“You’re going to have to swallow it better,” Adam warned.
Mitch sighed and rose. “Yeah, I know.”
He looked at his phone for a moment, then dialed John Windsor’s number.
John answered on the first ring.
“Don’t worry about it, Mitch, I get you’re frustrated,” he said.
“Thanks,” Mitch answered and hung up. He looked at the clock. “Let’s move on this apartment lead. If we find Julian Schmid and Benjamin at their apartment location, we’ll stake it out and all going well, close in.”
“I’m good to go.” Adam rose. His phone rang and he grabbed it. Recognizing the number, he answered: “Astrid?”
Mitch left the room. He sat on the edge of his bed and went through emails on his phone. A few minutes later he heard Adam calling out to him; he found him throwing clothes into a bag.
“I have to go right now, I’m sorry Mitch,” Adam said, without looking up.
“Go where?”
“Home, UK. Can you get me a flight? I’ll go to the airport and wait, any flight as soon as you can.”
“Berlin to London?” Mitch grabbed his phone.
“Yes, I’ll pay for it, can you just check flights?”
“It’s okay, I’m doing it right now,” Mitch said, calling up the team’s travel agent. “Hi Rohan, yeah, good thanks. I need an urgent flight Berlin to London, now please.” He looked at his watch. “Yeah he can be there in an hour no problem. Can you put it in Adam’s name? Charge it to my account, I’ll sort it later. Which terminal? Yeah, to Adam’s phone. Thanks Rohan, appreciate it.”
Adam ran into the bathroom, grabbed a few items and came back into the bedroom, throwing them in the bag.
“Thanks Mitch, I’m sorry. What will you do for a translator?”
“Doesn’t matter … I’ll go meet the local agent. You’ve got to be there in thirty minutes, flight leaves in an hour and Rohan is sending the e-ticket to your phone.” As he said it, Adam’s phone beeped that a message had arrived.
Adam threw his bag over his shoulder and looked at his phone as he headed to the door. “Got it thanks.”
Mitch followed him to the elevator.
“Adam, what’s happened?” Mitch asked.
“Astrid, she’s tried to commit suicide. That was her mom. I’ve got to go to her.”
“Sure, anything I can do?” Mitch waited with him until the elevator arrived.
“No, thanks for organizing the flight.” The elevator arrived and Adam was gone.
Mitch went back inside and closed the door. “Right then.” He looked around the large two-bedroom apartment of the hotel. Mitch’s phone rang.
“Hi John,” he answered.
“Mitch, what’s happening? Rohan just called; why does Adam need a flight out?” John asked.
“Wow, word travels really fast. He has to fly to London, a family emergency.”
“Is he okay?” John asked.
“He is, but his wife, ex-wife is not well.”
“Right, Mitch, now listen to me. Do not go seeking out Julian Schmid on your own. Do you hear me?” John said.
“I’m just going to stake the area out, keep an eye on him and see if it is just the two of them.”
“No, absolutely not, and that’s an order. Stay put and I’ll call the legat in Berlin and get you an introduction. If they are in the office, you can go straight there and with them go to Julian Schmid’s location,” John ordered.
“Benjamin could be in real danger. Why don’t I just go and do surveillance and you can send the legat if he or she is available to meet me?” Mitch asked.
“Good idea, then you and Benjamin might be in danger. No, sit tight and don’t move. I’ll call you back in a few minutes.” John hung up.
Mitch shook his head and began to pace around the room. He stopped, looked at the phone and went through the work emails to see what limited intelligence he had on Julian Schmid’s location. Not much.
He tapped his foot impatiently and looked at his watch again. His phone rang; it was John.
“Okay, Eva Fuchs is the legat, but she’s in Frankfurt today on business—back tonight. She’s free tomorrow and can work with you then.”
“Right. I’ll go alone and stake it out.”
“I don’t like it. Call me when you get there,” John ordered.
“I’ll call you when I’m in position,” Mitch said.
Nick knocked on the counselor’s door and waited. There was no answer. He tried again and turned to go, almost bumping into Dan Tarrow.
“Sorry Nick, I was with a client off-site,” Dan apologized.
“That’s okay, I thought I’d escaped,” Nick said as Dan unlocked his office door.
“You sound like Mitch now. And yes, I know it is your last session before you remind me. Come in.” Dan led the way. He threw his coat over a chair and put his briefcase down beside his desk.
“I’m not against counseling,” Nick said as he followed Dan in and closed the door behind him. “I just prefer to seek it when needed, not have it compulsorily. Sometimes you don’t feel like talking and other times you need it.”
“I understand,” Dan said. “Have a seat. Tea or coffee? I’m going to have a tea.”
“I’ll have the same, black, thanks.” Nick sat on the couch and loosened his tie.
Dan continued. “If we didn’t have compulsory counseling though, people like Mitch for example would never come and then one day they implode, take a gun and wipe out half of their colleagues and everyone blames the company for not recognizing their stress.”
“You’ve given this some thought then?” Nick joked.
Dan laughed. “Yeah, maybe. But seriously, I’ve seen it happen. I was actually involved in a case like that once. A young guy had a bad experience on a job and came back full of bravado.” Dan carried the two mugs of tea to the table and placed one in front of Nick.
“Thanks, so what happened?” Nick asked.
“He knocked back the offer of counseling. It wasn’t compulsory then. He went out on a few more jobs and in the end was taking pills and drinking a bottle of whiskey a night to get to sleep. Then, he missed out on a promotion and just snapped. Pulled his gun in the office and killed his immediate supervisor and three colleagues.”
Nick shook his head. “Holy crap.”
“I blamed myself for a long time; I saw the signs and I didn’t act on them or request he be forced to come to counseling or be stood down for a short while.”
“So what signs did you see?” Nick asked, reaching for his mug of tea.
“I’ll tell you, but don’t think I don’t know that you’re stalling,” Dan said.
Nick laughed. “No, I’m genuinely interested.”
“Yeah, it’s not a bad thing for you to be aware of the signs anyway so you can keep an eye on your own team or recognize them in yourself. Mind you, it’s not spying, it’s care,” Dan said. “The signs are sleep difficulties and nightmares; quick to anger or outbursts; depressed mood; being hyper-vigilant and not being able to unwind; decreased trust and intimacy; lack of self-care, you know like loss of self-esteem, lack of grooming, and difficulty concentrating at work … just to name a few.”
Nick nodded.
“Seen or experienced anything like that?” Dan asked, picking up his mug of tea.
“Well you’d know I’d be lying if I said no.”
“I suspect you went through all of that and more when you lost your fiancée,” Dan cut to the chase.
Nick drank his tea and put the mug down before speaking.
“All that and more,” he agreed.
“How long did it take you to get through it, assuming after our last discussion your days are a bit brighter now?” Dan asked.
“Took ages. Even now there’s things that tip me back there occasionally, but the acute pain is gone, it’s just … trying to find some motivation to carry on.”
“The good thing about you Nick is that you can recognize it and talk about it. It can be very hard to help clients who don’t want to admit to dealing with anything. Every single person deals with trauma and pain in life,” Dan said. “It’s part of having a healthy and fulfilled life, as weird as that might sound.”
“I get it,” Nick said. “If I had never felt that pain, then I would never have loved, and forming relationships is a major part of life.”
“Exactly,” Dan said. “And despite all the pain, wouldn’t you do it all over again?”
Nick hesitated.
“You’re hesitating because the agony was so overwhelming, but if you had the choice of never meeting …” he glanced at his notes, “Ana, and not feeling pain, what would you choose?”
“Ana every time,” Nick answered.
“And that, my friend, is healthy. Do you have any religious faith? For example do you take consolation in the thought that you will see each other again?” Dan said.
“I was raised a Catholic and while I’m not practicing, I believe we’ll be reunited,” Nick said and then sighed.
“But?” Dan asked, sensing there was more.
“You know what the hardest part of the whole experience has been?” Nick moved forward on the edge of the couch, put his mug of tea down and clasped his hands.
“What?” Dan urged him to continue.
“I could never feel her. Not once. I still can’t.” He rose and walked to the window. “It was like once she was gone, she was absolutely and completely gone. Some people say they feel their loved ones are around them or with them. I don’t.”
“Where is Ana buried?” Dan asked.
“She was cremated and her ashes put in a family plot. But no, I don’t feel her there either.”
“I have no answer for that,” Dan said. “God and the next life are out of my scope but someone once said a similar thing to me. It wasn’t until years after that they realized they were getting a sign, they just weren’t open to seeing it. I’m not saying that’s your situation, I’m just saying grieving is unique to every person.”
“But yet we all go through it, how is it unique?” Nick asked.
“Because none of us are exactly the same. Those people I mentioned who were shot at work; one of them was a patient of mine. For a long time I grieved for her; not because I was in a relationship with her, but because her death was so futile. She was this young woman full of life and promise and then she was gone.”
“Exactly, that’s how I feel about Ana. Except I took that life.” His voice raised in anger.
“No Nicholas, the accident took her life. You would have given yours in her place in a heartbeat if you could have. Does surrounding yourself with people and activity help?”
“Sure, but sometimes I just need to have time to think about her. When we were on our London assignment, sometimes I’d go out and jog in the early hours of the morning to get away from everyone and have time alone with her in my head.”
Nick stayed positioned by the window, staring out. “Can we talk about something else for the last half hour?”
“Sure. Are you going to come back and sit down?”
“Nope.”
“Okay.” Dan watched him. “I’ve read your current work brief. How do you feel about being a Nazi?”