“Good to have you back in counseling, Mitch,” Dan Tarrow said, locking his office door and coming over to join Mitch on the couch opposite.
“Yeah, great to be back, Dan,” Mitch said.
Dan laughed. “Now try that with sincerity.”
“Second and last counseling session,” Mitch reminded him.
Dan sat back and put his arms along the back of the chair. “So this really does not help you one bit?”
Mitch sighed. “Dan why do you ask me questions when you know the answer and you make me insult you by saying it?”
Dan shrugged. “I was hoping you might surprise me.”
Mitch didn’t answer.
“Okay then.” Dan opened Mitch’s file. He glanced up at him and back down. “Don’t worry Mitch, I’m not going back there.”
“You’re dying to though.” Mitch leaned forward and clasped his hands between his legs. “All of you—psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, whatever—you all want to go there for research gathering, a chance to study someone. But afterwards you hope that by talking about it, your patients will leave feeling much better, so then you can feel good about yourselves too. But as far as I’m concerned talking about it makes no difference. It’s still there the next day, the next week, the next year. Filing it away and getting on with it makes it better. That’s what they did in the past, after the wars and the depression; they didn’t sit around analyzing their lives or if they were happy.” Mitch sat back. “They just got on with it. Well, that’s the world according to me.”
Dan looked surprised. He took a deep breath and studied Mitch before answering. “Wow, Mitch. I bet that’s the most you’ve ever said on a counselor’s couch.”
Mitch raised his eyebrows in thought. “Probably.”
“Does that mean I have permission to talk about your childhood then, for my own research purposes?” Dan asked.
“No.”
“Right then. Tell me about your team. I want to understand your relationship to them, their strengths and how you see them,” Dan continued. “Start with Nicholas. That’s a complex relationship.”
“Can I ask the relevance?” Mitch said.
“I’m looking at your support networks: who you trust, how you cope, who has your back, and it helps me build a picture of you. But Mitch, just so we’re clear here—for the hour you are assigned to me, it’s my job to make sure you are balanced and coping, to analyze you whether you like it or not. So how about you lower your guard a bit and work with me here?” Dan said.
Mitch took a deep breath and started. “Nick contributes skills that I don’t have; he’s a great navigator, a whiz at math, he’s orderly in the way he sees a case, he’s disciplined but that comes from his military background—”
Dan held up his hand and Mitch stopped.
“Who is he to you?” Dan asked.
“I don’t get the question,” Mitch said.
“Yes you do, but let me spell it out. You’ve given me a list of Nicholas’ skills, but why do you trust him?”
“You’ve read my history, you know we go way back.”
“When you were boys, were you the leader?” he asked and watched Mitch’s eyes narrow as he thought about the question and the significance of it.
“Nick was the elder so he took charge a lot of the time,” Mitch said.
“And because you had to step up at home, I imagine it was a relief to have someone look out for you out of the home. Did he defend you?” Dan asked.
Mitch rose and walked to the window. “You’re finding a back door. Why don’t you just ask what you want to ask?”
Dan changed tack. “Tell me about your first meeting with Ellen.”
Mitch turned back around to face Dan. He leaned against the windowsill and crossed his arms. “She came for an interview for the role as an agent in my new team. John had narrowed down the applicants and I got to interview them. I had J.J. at that stage—that’s a former officer not with our team anymore—and I was yet to interview Samantha. But Ellen was impressive.”
“How?” Dan asked.
“She was this little powerhouse; so composed and intelligent. I could hear her brain ticking,” Mitch said.
Dan watched him; Mitch is relaxed talking about Ellen, because he isn’t talking about himself and he thinks it doesn’t come back to him. But it does.
Mitch continued. “She had topped her class in law, forensic science, leadership, even firearms and she was fluent in French. Her whole demeanor challenged me not to take her at face value.”
“And you’ve had feelings for her since day one?” Dan asked.
Mitch snapped to look at Dan. “What?”
“You’re denying it?” Dan asked.
Mitch returned to sit opposite him. “Why are you asking me this?”
“I told you, I’m looking at who you have around you and who you trust.”
“And you think that if I had feelings for Ellie I could go off the rails on the job?” Mitch asked.
“No, I think it would be good for you,” Dan said.
Mitch shook his head and looked to the clock.
“Mitch, you are so repressed.”
Mitch laughed. “I’m repressed now?”
“Yes,” Dan challenged him. “It’s a well-known defense mechanism, keeps information that you don’t want to acknowledge out of your conscious awareness. But let me tell you something, repressing memories or feelings doesn’t make them disappear. Sure you’ve got them all filed away neatly, but they will influence your behavior.”
Mitch’s jaw locked as he listened without reacting.
Dan continued. “Let me give you an example. A person who has repressed memories of child abuse for example, might find it difficult to form relationships.”
Mitch crossed his arms across his body, then unfolded them again knowing Dan would be reading his body language.
“So what’s the cure, doc?” he asked.
“There’s work you can do on that, but you don’t want to hear that and you don’t want to do that. You’re happy going along surrounding yourself with a boss who protects you and teammates who would put themselves on the line for you.”
Mitch scoffed. “Give me a break. Clearly you weren’t around last week when John told me to pull my head in or I’d be answering to Ellen.” Anger flashed across his face. “Anyway, I’d put myself on the line for them too in a heartbeat.”
Dan nodded. “Yes I’m guessing you would. Mitch, I’ll do you a deal. I’ll give you an early mark if you do something for me.”
“What?”
“Give me one honest and sincere feeling. I know it won’t be easy for you, but tell me one genuine thing you are feeling other than frustrated about being here. Please. Then you can mark your second session off as completed.”
Dan watched as Mitch held his gaze and then dropped his eyes. He was thinking. Dan waited. After a few minutes he prompted Mitch. “Any feeling … sad, lonely, nervous, in love, excited, hopeful, anything? One feeling? Anything at all?”
He’s even struggling with this, Dan thought. He waited and watched Mitch in silence.
Mitch inhaled and began, looking Dan in the eyes. “I’m feeling grateful that Henri came into my life and showed me what a father could be like. I wish he was my biological father. I’m feeling grateful for this job because not only does it challenge me and I’m doing something that is good, but it is a great distraction to get me through my recent break up which has left me feeling flat; I’m feeling like I really don’t want to start another relationship again unless it’s a sure thing; I’m feeling happy that Nick is back in my life and I’ve helped him get on his feet like he’s helped me; I’ve had feelings for Ellen since the first day I set eyes on her but I won’t cross that line in case it’s not mutual and she thinks it puts her job in jeopardy; and I’m feeling like you should back off and give me some credit for not feeling, because sometimes that’s the best way to get through.”
Mitch looked at the clock and turned back to Dan. “Deal then? Session two done.” He rose, unlocked the door and departed.
Dan slid down on the couch and looked up at the ceiling. “Holy shit.”
Mitch headed out of Dan’s office and down the stairs to see Henri. The counseling session had taken fifteen minutes all up. He was relieved to find Henri’s two assistants not in. He could see Henri with his glasses on, reading a document on his screen. Mitch walked in.
“Got a minute?” he asked and closed the office door.
“Of course.” Henri took off his glasses and frowned. “What’s up son?”
“Nothing.”
He began to pace from one end of the office to the other.
“Right. You’ve just had your second counseling session with Dan, haven’t you?” Henri looked at the clock and frowned. “Wasn’t it at eight?”
“Why does everyone know that?” Mitch stopped pacing. He pulled up a stool at the bench opposite Henri. “Second and last session.”
“So what happened?”
Mitch rubbed his hands over his face. “I said too much.”
“Well can I suggest that is what Dan’s there for and you’re supposed to bare your soul a bit? It won’t go any further than him,” Henri reminded him.
“He’ll be writing notes as we speak.” Mitch rose and began to pace again. “For chrissake, he just baited me until I wanted to prove something to him. I can’t believe he got me.”
“Mitch, look at me.”
Mitch turned to face him.
“Dan is there to help you. Perhaps what you said might make him think you’re perfectly, well, normal,” Henri said. “He deals in emotions all day. It’s foreign to you, not him.”
Mitch considered this.
“Sit down for a minute,” Henri ordered.
Mitch returned and sat opposite Henri.
“You don’t have to tell me, but think of what you told him. Is there anything he didn’t already know or couldn’t assume?”
Mitch thought back over his comments. He guessed about Ellen, knows about Nick and my history, won’t be surprised I value Henri and wish he was my real father and that the breakup of my last relationship would make me or anyone normal unhappy.
“Probably not,” Mitch said.
“So it’s just the fact that you verbalized those thoughts, because that’s way out of your comfort zone. Fair call?” Henri asked.
Mitch nodded.
Henri continued. “He’s a professional. He won’t repeat what you said and I bet if you saw Dan again right now, he’d be delighted with the session; he’s probably over the moon feeling like he really helped you get in touch with your emotions and express them.”
Mitch scoffed. “Yeah I did mention that I thought in his profession it was more about the study and win, than the patient.”
Henri picked up the phone, dialed a number and indicated for Mitch to wait. He put it on speaker phone and put the handset down. Dan Tarrow answered.
“Hi Dan, I know your session with Mitch was confidential, but I just wanted to check he was okay?”
“It was a great session, Henri, I feel we made real progress. Good of you to check on him,” Dan said. “He’s lucky to have the support network he does, I told him that.”
“Thanks Dan, good to know.” Henri hung up.
Mitch exhaled.
“Trust me, it’s a big deal to you Mitch, but Dan will have his next patient in there within the hour, willingly revealing more than you’ve said, I imagine.”
Mitch nodded.
“Anyway, well done, son.” Henri smiled at him. “At this rate, can I expect a hug on my birthday?”
“Didn’t we shake hands last year?” Mitch smiled. “You expect too much.”
Henri laughed.
John Windsor passed Dan Tarrow in the hallway later that day.
“Hey Dan, all okay with today’s session? Did he show up?” John asked after Mitch.
“We had a breakthrough,” Dan said.
John looked surprised. “Really?”
“Really, a huge, surprising breakthrough.” Dan tapped John on the shoulder and walked away.