chapter 10

I was sitting in my favorite swing at recess, just letting my feet drag through the wood chips. I didn’t have the heart to swing.

“What’s going on, Sally Sunshine?”

I looked up and saw Carla standing in front of me.

“Yusef asked me to go with him,” I mumbled.

“Well, can’t nobody ’cuse you of dancing in the streets.”

“There’s a catch.”

“What’s the catch? You gotta give up Roland?”

“Very funny. He wants me to pee with him.”

Carla sat down in the swing next to me.

“Wow, I knew Yusef Brown was cool, but I ain’t know he was this cool! Wow, Stevie, I knew you was square but I ain’t know you was this square.”

“Shut up, Carla, seriously. I told him I had to think about it. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t kind of scared. I wanted to get your opinion, okay?”

“Stevie, sometimes you have to get over being scared. You can’t stay a baby forever. Look at it like this, it’s just a body function, it’s natural. You pee all the time. He pee all the time. The only difference is y’all will be peeing together.” Carla looked at me like she’d just finished describing one of the most romantic things in the world.

“Would you do it?” I asked her point-blank.

“Sure, if Tyrone asked me, I’d do it in a minute.” Carla snapped her fingers. “Just like that.”

“Sure you would, like fun.” I tried to call her bluff. “I never heard of you peeing with Tyrone or anybody else for that matter. You’ve never done it before, have you?”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“You would’ve told me, wouldn’t you?”

“I don’t tell you all my business.” Carla tried to sound grown-up.

“Well, I bet you and Tyrone never peed together before.”

“Who says it would’ve had to have been with Tyrone?”

“If you’d done it with some other boy, I’d know about it, wouldn’t I?”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“Oh, stop being so doggone mysterious.”

“Look if you must know, I have peed with a boy before, okay?”

“Who? What’s his name?”

“You don’t know him.”

“Yeah, me and nobody else. How old were y’all, three and four?”

“No, I was twelve. It happened summer before last; I was visiting my grandmother in East St. Louis. You think you’re the first girl some boy ever asked to pee with him? Folks been peeing together all over East St. Louis, way before you was born, not to mention the South.”

I took a deep breath. Maybe I was making too big a deal out of it. I had to admit when I squeezed my legs together and thought about peeing with Yusef I got an excited feeling. Scary, yes, but exciting just the same.

“Well, how was it?”

“How was what?” Carla asked.

“Peeing with that boy in East St. Louis?”

“It ain’t something you can really put into words, it’s something you gotta experience for yourself.” Carla started swinging.

“Carla, he wants us to do it after school tomorrow, behind his house.” I started swinging alongside Carla.

“Stevie, you’ve come too far to turn back now. You this close to being Yusef’s lady.” Carla held her thumb and finger real close together.

“Okay, I’m gonna do it, Carla. I’m just gonna go head and do it!”

“Do it, do it, do it till you satisfied!” Carla laughed.

I started swinging faster. I wanted to see how high I could go.

I usually hated the fact that I always had to be the one to wash the dishes because I was the only girl. Mama and Daddy wouldn’t hear of my brothers having to so much as rinse out a glass. But tonight I was kind of glad that everyone was out of the kitchen, leaving me to my dishes and the thoughts running through my head. I started cleaning off the table and thinking about peeing with Yusef tomorrow.

“How many times have I told you not to throw away my glass!” Daddy shouted. I jumped as he grabbed my hand over the sink. I watched the thin brown stain almost disappear.

“I thought it was empty,” I said softly. There couldn’t have been but a drop, I told myself. My wrist was hurting where Daddy was holding it. I was afraid to move it because I might drop the glass in the sink, and if it broke then he would really get mad.

Mama stood in the doorway. “You know your father wants the last drop of whiskey. Just leave his glass alone. I don’t care if it looks empty or not, just leave his glass alone.”

Daddy let go of my wrist and grabbed the glass out of my hand. He walked over to the cabinet and poured himself another drink.

“I’m sorry, Daddy, I really thought it was empty.” He ignored me, which I took to mean that he accepted my apology. I could get back to thinking about peeing with Yusef, now.

I squeezed some Joy into the dishpan and filled it with water. There was the exciting, scary part about letting Yusef see what was up under my panties and me seeing his dick. But what was also going through my head was, what if we got caught or what if my parents found out? I tried to picture it in my mind. I could see Mama now; she’d probably have to lie down for a week. She would say over and over how if anyone had told her I would’ve done something like this, she wouldn’t have believed it. If it had been one of the boys maybe, but not her Jean Eloise, named after her favorite grandmother, may her soul rest in peace. Then she would grab a belt. No, it was June, she’d send David out to pick her a switch. As she hit me, she’d shout, “Six summers of vacation Bible school down the drain! I’m gonna beat you till I beat the devil out of you. I’m gonna whip you till I can’t whip you no more. I’m gonna beat you till I drop!” Then we would both collapse and I would be glad, because at least after hitting me she would feel better. Then she’d be able to pray for the Lord to show me the way.

If Daddy had been there and whipped me instead, I could picture him just going off, beating me to the ground with his belt, leaving welts on me, like he did on Kevin and David last month when they forgot and left their bikes in the yard, and somebody could’ve come by and stolen them. But maybe if Daddy had had a few drinks, he might be in such a good mood that he wouldn’t let anything spoil it, not even me peeing with Yusef. Then Daddy might just go to bed or go back out into the street. Then Mama would cry and ask God what she’d done to deserve a no-good husband and a wicked daughter. Mama would say that if she had to stay on her knees the rest of her life she would. “Lord, just give me the strength to get through this,” she’d pray.

I looked up. I had practically finished washing the dishes. I squeezed out some more Joy and started on the last pan. I couldn’t believe I was gonna actually pee with Yusef. Mama always said the devil was powerful. Probably God would forgive me quicker than Mama. Didn’t seem like peeing with somebody all by itself would keep a person out of heaven. What with all the worse things people did, like murdering and raping folks. Didn’t we sing in church, “There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin-sick soul, there is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole”?

My stomach was in knots and Yusef Brown was forever smiling at me from across the room. I had told him this morning that, yeah, I would pee with him today.

I hadn’t done doodly squat all day. I was gonna have to do homework over the weekend. I would have to tell Mr. Cox I had been sick and that’s why I hadn’t turned in the assignments. I just hadn’t said anything at the time, I’d say. I had it all figured out in my head.

Aside from being scared, I was excited about seeing Yusef’s thing. Oh, forgive me, God. Me, an alto in Faith’s Junior Choir, me, with almost perfect Sunday-school attendance. I wondered if there was really hope for a wretch like me. I would have to remember to ask Mr. Berry, the junior choir director, to let us sing “Amazing Grace” as soon as he could fit it in.

“How come you so quiet?” Yusef asked, as we walked between the bushes and his brick apartment building. I hunched my shoulders as Yusef opened the metal gate leading to the backyard.

“Just down these steps; see, there’s a drain by the basement door.”

I glanced at the backyard. It was all dirt, not a blade of grass, and there was a lot of old toys and junk lying around. It smelled like somebody had peed in it already.

“Don’t worry, ain’t nobody here.” Yusef put his hand on my shoulder. “It’s gonna be fun, you’ll see.”

It was hot, even for June. I squinted as Yusef pulled me toward him and kissed me. I felt a little weak and dizzy, like I was in a dream. Yusef started to unbuckle and unzip his pants. I squatted and reached up under my dress. I grabbed hold of my cotton panties. They felt heavy and wet on account of the heat, I supposed. I couldn’t help but look at the bump in Yusef’s underwear. We’re just gonna pee, I told myself as I pulled my panties down from my waist.

“Stevie, Stevie, hold up.”

I stopped and looked up with my panties hugging my thighs under my dress. It was Carla; I recognized her voice.

I wondered if my mother had gotten wind of what was going on and that’s why Carla was here.

“Carla, what do you want?” I asked as she came through the gate. Yusef looked like he didn’t know what to do, standing there in his Fruit of the Looms.

“I gotta tell you something.… I ain’t never peed with that boy in East St. Louis! I ain’t never peed with nobody!”

“Carla, you mean you lied to me?”

Carla nodded. “Stevie, I’m sorry, I was just talking smack, that’s all.”

I pulled my panties up and Yusef pulled his pants back on.

“What you talking about, girl? Don’t nobody care about what you done, or ain’t done.” Yusef frowned. “This here ain’t got nothing to do with you.”

Carla ignored Yusef, “Stevie, don’t go through with it if it ain’t you, girl. I was wrong to push you into it.”

Carla hadn’t peed with anybody, she was admitting she’d lied. She was sorry she’d pushed me into peeing with Yusef. I couldn’t believe Carla was saying all this stuff. I had never seen Carla look so concerned.

“How you know it ain’t her, maybe it is her,” Yusef growled.

A lot was going through my mind. I remembered when we were at Riverview last summer and I was scared to go up on the roller-coaster ride and how Carla had waved to me down on the ground. It seemed like I was always looking up at her. She’d gotten her period a whole two months before I’d gotten mine last year. For once, I felt like I could have something happen to me first. I would be the one to tell her how it felt. I was the one going up on the roller coaster, she was the one left on the ground. It was the first time she couldn’t call me “chicken.”

“Carla, it’s okay, I’m still gonna go through with it. It was okay when you’d peed with somebody and I hadn’t. I’ll tell you how it was.” I smiled. Carla’s mouth dropped open like she didn’t know what to make of me.

“Well, if you ain’t gonna drop no draws, Carla, you can take your tail out of here,” Yusef said.

“Forget you, Yusef Brown. Stevie, I’ll wait for you out front.”

“Stevie, you back here? It’s me, Roland.”

“Oh, shoot. Carla, you the only one I told. You tell anybody?”

Carla shook her head, “I ain’t told a soul, I swear ’fore God.”

“You better get that nigger out of here, now this shit done got ridiculous!” Yusef shouted.

We all stared at Roland standing at the gate.

“Roland, what are you doing here?”

“Stevie, I just couldn’t let them do you like this, I went back and forth in my mind, but I just wouldn’t feel right, not telling you.”

“Tell me what? Do me like what? How did you know I was back here?”

“I ain’t told you,” Carla said to Roland.

“I hear your mama calling you, boy. So why don’t you take your narrow ass outta here?” Yusef moved toward the gate.

I was confused. What was Roland talking about? Somebody had to have told him I was back here unless he followed us.

“Roland, you should leave, this has nothing to do with you. And I don’t appreciate you following me, getting all up in my business,” I said.

“Stevie, don’t pee with him,” Roland begged.

“I ain’t gonna tell you again to get your black ass off my property, nigger!” Yusef looked like he might hit Roland any second.

“Wait a minute,” I shouted. “How did he know we were gonna pee together if nobody told anybody?”

“Stevie, I heard them talking about it in the john, they didn’t see me. I would’ve been here sooner but Mrs. Verducci kept our class after school. And I had to do some detective work to find out where Yusef lived. They’re hiding in the basement, at the window,” Roland pointed.

I looked up. I could see some heads bobbing up and down, and heard laughing. I turned toward Yusef, who was cracking his knuckles. I felt my eyes filling up with tears.

“Yusef, how could you do this to me?”

“Yeah!” Carla cut in.

“Look, I don’t know what you talking about, he’s just trying to get next to you hisself. Ain’t nobody in there stud’in you, they in there looking at baseball cards.”

“Tyrone ain’t up in there, is he?” Carla twisted her head.

I knew Yusef was lying: I could feel it. He hadn’t looked me in the eye once.

“I hate you, Yusef Brown!” I pushed past him with Carla at my side.

“You ain’t nothing, bitch! You think you something, but you ain’t shit! And I better not catch you, you four-eyed faggot!” Yusef shouted at the three of us as we headed toward the street.

I couldn’t understand why Yusef had blabbed to his friends and done what he’d done to me. I never understood before how somebody could hurt you unless they hit you. But what Yusef did hurt me worse than the slap I felt when I dived into the pool and forgot to tuck my head.

We had reached my block. “I’m okay,” I told Carla and Roland as I wiped my face off with my hand. “I’ve gotta look like I just came from the library. Thanks, Roland, that was really nice of you. I’m sorry you had to be in the middle of this. I hope Yusef doesn’t mess with you.”

“It’s okay, Stevie. I just couldn’t see anybody doing you like that, because basically you’re a very nice girl. And don’t worry, I’m not that scared, although I’m glad it’s Friday.”

“He’ll probably be cooled off some by Monday.” Carla nodded.

Roland waved and headed toward his street.

“Stevie, Yusef done you dirty and had the nerve enough to call you a bitch. Did you hear him say you wasn’t shit?”

“Look, Carla, I don’t want to hear another word about whether anybody asks me to dance or not at the Graduation Tea, okay? At this point I don’t care if I have to hold up the walls or dance with Roland or even end up dancing with Willie Jean, for that matter, okay? I just hope they have some good food, that’s all!”

“You right, Stevie, sho you right, I ain’t saying nothing else. Although you do have a whole week. Hey, a lot can happen in a week. If I was you I’d.…”

“Shut up talking to me, Carla.” I cut her off and walked up my front stairs.

And if I wanted to play basketball next year, I didn’t want to hear anything about that either, I told myself as I went into the house.

I sat alone in the kitchen with a glass of milk and a handful of Oreo cookies, thinking about what had just happened. Yusef Brown had done a job on me; he had really done me dirty. If it hadn’t been for Roland, no telling what would’ve happened. My throat felt tight and my eyes began to fill up with tears, as I pictured myself standing butt naked in front of Yusef with his friends watching and laughing. I hated cold-blooded people.

I wished Grandma was here and I could crawl into her lap like back when I was younger, and feel like everything was going to be okay. But now I was too big for Grandma’s lap and besides I couldn’t tell her how Yusef had shamed me.

I remembered Roland and felt bad about the way I had treated him. He had risked everything for me. Roland had risked everything to be himself.

The next day I was on my way out to the playground at recess time. I had kept to myself this morning and hadn’t crossed paths with Yusef. There had been a few whispers in the coatroom, ’cause like Mama always says, some people thrive on mess. But nobody had the nerve to get up in my face about what had happened.

Melody caught up with me as I headed toward a big rock in the corner of the playground near the swings.

“Stevie, girl, I got something to tell you if you can keep it to yourself!”

I wasn’t in the mood for any foolishness. But Melody looked excited, and besides, she wasn’t the foolish type.

I sat down on the smooth rock and looked up at Melody. I shaded my eyes from the sun.

“Stevie, you won’t believe what happened! Girl, you know how Carla always says payback is a dog!”

I nodded as Melody sat next to me on the warm rock and folded her legs. She pulled at her blue checked tent-style dress so nobody could see her panties. I smoothed out my denim skirt and crossed my legs, just in case.

“Okay, Stevie, you know how you told me on the phone you were worried about what Yusef Brown might do to Roland?”

“Yes, so, did Yusef jump on Roland?” I asked, feeling scared.

“No, remember, I said payback is a dog. Well Yusef got the big payback!”

“What?” I couldn’t help but smile.

“Dig up, Stevie.”

“Okay, shoot,” I said, surprised that Melody had become so cool.

“Okay, I was working in the office today like I do every Monday morning, putting teachers’ mail in their boxes, right.”

“Cut to the chitlins, Melody.”

“Okay, but don’t you want me to clean them first?”

I smiled; she had a point.

“Okay,” Melody continued, jumping up and talking with her hands. “Who would come stepping in to see Mr. Davis, in a tight miniskirt and a red shell top, but Yusef Brown’s mama!”

“For what?” I asked.

“She had an appointment with the principal. He called her into his office. Next thing I knew, I heard Mrs. Brown begging, ‘Please let my baby graduate!’”

I raised my eyebrows. “Then what happened?”

“Well, Mr. Davis must’ve turned her off cold. ’Cause, baby, then Mrs. Brown proceeded to call Mr. Davis a white-ass motherfucker!”

I gulped; this was something. Yusef Brown wasn’t graduating, and his mama had cussed the principal’s behind out!

“What did Mr. Davis say?”

“He ran her out of his office. You should’ve seen her face when she left. Her liquid eyeliner was running into her powder, her face was full of sweat and tears. If she hadn’t been Yusef’s mama, I would’ve felt sorry for her. Especially ’cause while she was waiting for Mr. Davis she told me her ’frigerator broke down and one of her sons got shot two days ago and was in what they call stable condition, not to mention her no-good, two-timing husband had left her.”

“Wow!”

“Anyway, when Mrs. Brown left, Mr. Davis turned to me and said, ‘I’m sorry you had to witness that. It’s people like her who give the Negro race a bad name. It’s people like her who make it hard for the rest of you.’”

“So, Stevie, don’t worry about Roland. Yusef’s got enough of his own problems. I don’t think he’ll be stuttin’ Roland now.”

“Wow, Melody, thanks for telling me. I gotta go. I gotta ask Carla if she wants to trade sandwiches at lunch,” I mumbled, jumping to my feet.

I was at my seat, recess was over. It was almost lunchtime. I watched Yusef cleaning his desk out of the corner of my eye. He was trying to act cool, but his hands were shaking as he threw stuff into the green metal wastebasket. Everybody had been whispering about him in the coatroom. I still don’t know how they found out. I just told Carla and she’d promised not to tell anybody. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for Yusef, now that I knew his brother had been shot and their refrigerator had broken down and his daddy had cut out. I mean I couldn’t be too cold; I still planned to join the Peace Corps.