chapter 20

Me and Carla were walking to school. We had just decided she should tell her new boyfriend, Ivory, to buy her the Temptations’ and Smokey Robinson and the Miracles’ new albums for her birthday. Carla’s mother had given her a choice between a new stereo and a birthday party after Carla told her about my new box. She’d chosen the stereo. Carla finally had her room to herself. Marla and Shark had both moved in with their boyfriends. They each had a girl and a boy now, but neither was married.

“There’s Nurse Horn’s car, the blue one,” I said, pointing as we passed the faculty parking lot. “Carla, don’t you think Mustangs are hot?”

“I already done told you that I want me a red Firebird. And you done showed me Nurse Horn’s stupid car before.”

“Well, have you checked out Nurse Horn’s new pants uniform? And have you seen her new white earth shoes?”

“Stevie, I don’t give a flying fuck about Nurse Horn or her car or her uniform! Do you hear me?”

“Dog, Carla, why you got to curse?”

“Cause you should be trippin’ on the prom, steada her white ass, that’s why.”

“I am trippin’ on the prom.”

“So, when you gon get your dress? Don’t wait till the last minute now.”

“Carla, the prom is still almost two months away.”

“I thought you said your auntie was taking you shopping?”

“She is, we’re going Clean-Up Week to Carson’s. My Aunt Sheila’s got a charge there.”

“Carson Pirie Scott, go ’head, girl!” Carla gave me five. “Who woulda thought you would pull a senior? Stevie, I’m jealous, girl; you should be so excited!”

“I am excited, okay?”

“Okay. So now, what the fuck are earth shoes?”

“I like the way you dribble,” Sean teased me as I headed down the alley behind his house later that day. I jumped up, dripping with sweat, and made my basket. Sean grabbed the ball, slam dunking it and swinging on the rim of the hoop outside his garage door.

“It’s getting late,” I said, glancing up at the purple sky. The wind was kicking, but it felt good after working up a sweat. I breathed in the cool night air mixed with sweet-smelling funk. Yeah, we were sweaty, but neither of us stunk, I told myself.

Sean held me close as we snuggled, lying down in the back seat of his brother’s ’63 Buick in front of his house.

“Stevie, I like that you can shoot some hoops.”

“Most girls wouldn’t be into it, huh?”

“No, but I’m glad you’re different.”

“You are?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t looking for the average bear.”

“Me either, Sean.”

“Stevie, I feel like this English writer Miss Porter told us about in class. I can’t remember the dude’s name, but anyway, he was at a dinner party and he heard this woman say she didn’t care for any gravy. The writer dude said, ‘Madam, I’ve been searching my whole life for someone who dislikes gravy. Let’s swear eternal friendship.’”

“So I take it you don’t like gravy?” I asked, smiling.

“Not really. What about you?”

“I’m not crazy about it either. But I can sho go for some pan drippings.”

“I heard that!” Sean laughed.

“So, Stevie, how come you never went out for the girls’ basketball team?”

“I don’t know, I guess I got into the Drama Club and then I got on the newspaper this year, you know.” I looked into Sean’s dark brown eyes. “It really wouldn’t bother you to have a girlfriend on the basketball team?”

“No, not so long as she was all woman off the court.” Sean leaned over and covered my mouth with his luscious lips. I liked the taste of his tongue. I wondered what Sean would think if he knew that I daydreamed about Nurse Horn more than him—that my favorite daydream was of Nurse Horn rescuing me from drowning and giving me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. And sometimes I just remembered Nurse Horn hugging me against her terry-cloth bathrobe, telling me that I had potential.

I kissed Sean back, trying my best to prove to him that I was definitely all woman. Sean’s wet tongue teased my ear, sending shivers through my body.

“Sean,” I whispered, “I like the way you dribble too, on and off the court.”

Sean pressed against me and ran his fingers through my natural. I could feel his thing through my jeans. I knew that I couldn’t allow myself to get too excited. Mama said that most boys won’t go any farther than you let them. “It’s up to you not to let them,” she’d warned. I didn’t stop Sean from reaching under my T-shirt and squeezing my breasts through my bra. I didn’t want him to turn off completely. My job was to keep Sean interested without going all the way.

Sean ran his hand up and down my thighs. I couldn’t help but feel excited. I held my breath while he tugged at my zipper.

“No, Sean, not here,” I said, as he stroked my panties. “Anybody could come by and see us.”

I sat up and Sean pulled his hand away and glanced around the deserted street.

“Stevie, I couldn’t help it,” Sean said hoarsely. “I just got really turned on. You said, Not here, well where? We’ve been going together six months.”

“I don’t know, Sean. Maybe I’m afraid that once I do it you won’t respect me anymore.”

“Stevie, I respect the hell outta you now and giving yourself to me could never change that.”

“I don’t want to end up like Patrice, having to go to a school for unwed mothers. Did you know that by the time she found out she was pregnant Yusef was already going with Gail?”

“Stevie, Yusef Brown always was a dog.”

“Well, I tried to tell her that, but Patrice wouldn’t listen.”

“All Yusef does is hang out on the corner and sell weed.” Sean sighed. “But, Stevie, not all brothers are about nothing. If I messed a girl up, I’d stand by her.”

“But, Sean, there’s just no way I could get pregnant. It would kill my parents. They’re counting on me. And Mrs. Stuart says, with my grades, even if my SAT scores come back average, I can still get a college scholarship. She says our time has come. I couldn’t face her if I messed up.”

Sean held my hand. “I heard that, hey, I’m proud of you, baby. I don’t want to be a daddy right now, either. I’m going to Chicago State in the fall, remember? I’ve got dreams, too.”

“Thanks,” I whispered in Sean’s ear.

“For what?”

“For understanding.”

“Oh.”

The next morning me and Carla sat on the school’s stone steps and faced a row of fudge-colored buildings. Carla held her big sweater together with one hand as she took a drag off her cigarette. I glanced up at the cloudy morning sky.

“So finish telling me about you and Seanny last night.”

“Like I told you, Carla, I felt his thing up against me. And he touched me through my panties.”

“And then what happened?”

“I told him to stop.”

“You told him to stop! Why?”

“You know why, because I’m scared. I can’t come up pregnant.” I tightened the belt on my rain-shine coat. “I finally ended up giving Sean a hand job last night.”

“Again!” Carla groaned, “I don’t see why you don’t just get on the pill like somebody with some sense.”

I shrugged. We’d had this conversation before.

“Stevie, I know Sean is patient, but a man has needs, if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“A man is only willing to be frustrated for so long, before he starts looking for a new prom date. Get my drift?”

“Carla, you don’t understand. Sean is different.”

Carla blew out smoke. “He ain’t that damn different. He still a man. After a while them milkshakes begin to add up. Then it’s payback time,” Carla added.

“Carla, I wish it didn’t have to hurt. It’s hard to get excited over something painful.”

“It don’t be hurtin’ no worser than bad cramps. You done felt them before.”

“I don’t look forward to cramps, Carla.”

“Stevie, I got a idea. You smoke you a joint and do it when you high.” Carla exhaled. “You will be feeling no pain then.”

I couldn’t help but raise my eyebrows. “Carla, you get high now?”

“Damn, Stevie, you lookin’ at me like I said I shot heroin or some shit like that. It’s just a little weed.”

“You’ve smoked marijuana before! I can’t believe you never told me.”

“Look, I’ve only done it a few times, once with my sisters and twice with Ivory.”

Ivory was Carla’s fine yellow nigga, as she put it. He was tall, with a big ’fro and his rap had been so powerful that he’d stolen her away from Tyrone. Me and Mama had run into Carla and Ivory in K mart. Mama had taken one look at his lime-colored clothes and big hat and decided Ivory was about nothing. I had finally managed to convince Mama that Ivory’s pants were avocado, but she still insisted that the “negro” was no good.

“Well, how was it?”

“It was cool, you get the munchies, you wanna eat a bunch of shit. And shit be funnier than hell.”

“Wow, did you do it with Ivory when you were high?”

“Yeah,” Carla exhaled.

“How was it?”

“Hot! Ain’t nothing better than being high as a kite and getting it at the same time.”

I didn’t know what to say. I’d never been high and I’d never gotten it. I tried to picture it in my mind as the bell rang.

We were in gym class, jumping over a statue of a horse. Miss Bryant had a girl standing on either side of the horse, just in case. I stood in the line waiting to take my turn. I was still tripping on what Carla had said earlier. I wondered how it felt to be high. I had never even been tipsy. I had drunk a few sips of beer when they’d passed around a can on the bus after the homecoming game last year. That had been it. Maybe I should go ahead and do it with Sean. Carla said it wouldn’t hurt if I was high. Maybe a glass of wine would be enough. Who knows? I might even like it.

I balled my fists and ran toward the horse. I grabbed each side of the saddle and lifted both of my feet to clear it.

“Jean, are you all right?”

When I stopped seeing stars, I recognized Miss Bryant’s thin, worried walnut-colored face.

“Girl, your feet got caught, you hit your head up underneath on that metal part.” I heard Tanya’s voice. The group of brown faces and blue gym suits were all one blur. My head was swimming.

“Jean, can you walk to the nurse’s office, or do you need for me to send for Miss Horn?”

I looked up from the thick cotton mat, unsure where my legs were.

“She looks monked up.”

“Maybe her brain is damaged, huh, Miss Bryant?”

“She should sue the school.”

“You mean the Board of Education, girl.”

“Quiet, girls.”

“Miss Bryant, you want me to go get Nurse Horn?”

“Yes, Rosita, ask her to come right away.”

I heard footsteps and looked up.

I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Nurse Horn looked like one of the angels on the stained-glass window at my church. She felt the bump on my forehead and frowned. She explained, that, no, I hadn’t lost my memory like the dude on TV. There were some sighs of disappointment and this one fool kept asking me what I’d eaten for breakfast. “Raisin Bran,” I answered, as Nurse Horn put her arm around my shoulder and walked me out of the gym.

The cot had never felt more comfortable. Nurse Horn had propped two flat pillows under my head. She sat in a chair next to me, talking softly.

“Jean, I think you’re going to be all right, but you should go to your doctor and have your head examined.”

“Have my head examined.” I smiled.

“Yes, just to be safe. Jean, all kidding aside, do get checked. You’re starting to get two black eyes.”

I sat up. “Two black eyes!”

“Don’t get excited. Here, take a look.” Nurse Horn walked over to her desk and returned with a large face mirror.

I stared at my reflection. My forehead looked like a cone and I had a wide black circle under each eye. It was like I’d been worked over by the mob.

“I can’t believe I look this bad!”

“Just goes to show you, looks can go just like that.” Nurse Horn popped her fingers and smiled. “Well, how do you feel?”

I tried to look as pitiful as possible, I wanted every ounce of sympathy I could get out of Nurse Horn. “My head hurts and I’m still a little dizzy.”

“Well, the aspirin I gave you should help. I’ll keep you down here for the rest of the afternoon. I want you to see a doctor tomorrow and maybe you’ll be well enough to return to school on Monday.”

“I don’t really have a doctor. I’ll have to go to the clinic.”

“That should be fine.” Nurse Horn looked out the window. “It’s starting to rain.”

“April showers bring May flowers,” I mumbled.

“Jean, you haven’t been down here since the first snowfall, remember?”

“I know. Who woulda thought it would wind up being a blizzard, remember?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“My cramps haven’t been bad lately. I took your advice.”

“You’ve been staying out of that ocean?” Nurse Horn asked.

“So far, and I’ve been eating less junk food and exercising more.”

“That’s good, I’m glad. I’m sorry that you’re hurt, but it is nice seeing you. I guess I’ve missed lecturing you.”

“I’ve missed you too, Nurse Horn.” Seeing her in the hallways every now and then hadn’t been enough.

“Well, you can always stick your head in and say, ‘hi,’ you know.”

“You mean you want to see me in sickness and in health?”

“Sure. I certainly don’t want you to develop into a hypochondriac, Jean.”

I smiled. I was glad she wanted to see me.

“Do you prefer to be called Stevie or Jean?”

“My friends call me Stevie.”

“Well, I’d like to be your friend. So I’ll call you Stevie, if that’s all right?”

“Please do.”

“Is there anyone who can come get you so you don’t have to walk home today?”

“No. My father has the car and he’s at work. Sean might be able to get his brother to give me a ride.”

“If not, I can drive you home. It might be pouring by three-thirty.”

I swallowed. Had Nurse Horn said she would drive me home? I could ride in her ’67 Mustang with her! I forgot my pain for a minute.

“On second thought, I believe Sean told me Brian’s car is in the shop. It’s getting tuned up or something,” I lied.

“Well, that settles it, then. I’ll give you a lift.”

I had no intention of arguing with her.

The doctor shone a flashlight in my eyes and told me to take some aspirin for pain. That had been it. Daddy said the school should pay my clinic bill, but Mama said it wasn’t worth the red tape to try to collect ten dollars. They’d argued back and forth at the dinner table. It was settled when Mama sent me to get her checkbook. Of course, my brothers teased me no end about my shiners. And they were forever begging me to take off my sunglasses.

A week later Carla and I were at my locker.

“You think I still need my sunglasses?”

Carla shook her head. “Not unlessen you just want to look cool.”

Sean walked toward us. “Hey, Stevie, let’s say we check out White Castle ninth period? They gotta special going, ten burgers for a buck.”

“I wish I could, Sean, but I’m booked.”

“Booked? You gotta new nigger or something?” Carla cut in. Sean smiled but he looked worried.

“No, I’ve got to help Nurse Horn.”

Carla shook her head at me before rushing away to catch up with Ivory.

“Help Nurse Horn? Help her do what?”

“Different stuff, Sean, file, type, clean up, whatever. I’m her student helper now.”

“How did you get stuck with that?”

“I had to tell Nurse Horn what the doctor said. And while I was in her office, Barbara Taylor was in there.”

“So.”

“Anyway, Barbara was telling Nurse Horn that she couldn’t be her helper anymore, accounta she’s the new captain of the girls’ basketball team, and they’re in the finals and all.”

“So, what’s that got to do with you?”

“So I asked Nurse Horn if I could be her new helper. And she said, ‘Great idea.’”

Sean frowned, “Why do you have to help her ninth period? Why would you want to be tied up at the end of the day?”

“Because that’s when she needs me. Earlier she’s more likely to have somebody sick in there.”

“What if I need you?”

“Sean, you’re being silly. You go to swim-team practice three times a week. You play basketball during most of lunch period.”

“That’s different.”

“Well, I need service points for the Junior Honor Society. Helping Nurse Horn two measly periods a week will cover it.”

“I forgot about your needing service points.”

“Sean, we can go to White Castle tomorrow.”

“Stevie, tomorrow it will be too late. This is a one-day sale,” Sean grumbled.

That’s just too bad, I thought to myself.