Let him that would be happy for a day, go to the barber; for a week, marry a wife; for a month, buy him a new horse; for a year, build him a new house; for all his life time, be an honest man
(1662)
According to legal statute an idiot is an individual with an IQ of less than 20, an imbecile between 21 and 49 and a moron between 50 and 70. As you cast around for insults it may be worth remembering these categories. But then again, the English language has never been short of slurs for the stupid. Historically, you could have been a clumperton (mid 16C), a dull-pickle or a fopdoodle (both 17C); and more recently, two ants short of a picnic, two wafers short of a communion or even a few vouchers short of a pop-up toaster.
Over the centuries, some other fine reproaches have included:
doddypoll (1401) a hornless cow, hence a fool
jobbernowl (1599) a blockhead
slubberdegullion (1616) a dirty, wretched slob
goostrumnoodle (Cornwall 1871) a stupid person, a fool
Australians, in particular, specialize in scorn for the intellectually challenged. In the 1950s you could have been as mad (or silly) as a cut snake, a hatful of worms or a Woolworth’s watch. More recently, in the 1980s, you might have been a couple of tinnies short of a slab or a few snags short of a barbie (where a tinnie is a beer can, a slab is a stack of cans and a snag is a sausage). Then again, a real idiot or drongo couldn’t blow the froth off a glass of beer, knock the skin off a rice-pudding, pick a seat at the pictures, find a grand piano in a one-roomed house, or tell the time if the town-hall clock fell on them. Other memorable expressions of Antipodean scorn include there’s a kangaroo loose in the top paddock and the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Fools can often be enthusiastic in their idiocy. Arguably more irritating are those whose marbles are all present, but who somehow just lack the drive:
dardledumdue (Norfolk 1893) a person without energy
maulifuff (Scotland) a young woman who makes a lot of fuss but accomplishes very little
gongoozler (1904) an idle person who stands staring for prolonged periods at anything unusual
mulligrubs (1599) a state of depression of spirits
accidie (Old French c.1230) spiritual torpor, world weariness
Other types it’s as well to steer clear of include the mean…
chinchin (Middle English 1100–1500) to be stingy
stiff (hotel trade jargon) any customer that fails to leave a tip
the moaning…
crusty-gripes (1887) a grumbler
choowow (Fife) to grumble, a grudge
forplaint (1423) tired by complaining so much
the nosey…
quidnunc (1709) a person who always wants to know what is going on (from Latin: ‘what now’ )
stickybeak (New Zealand 1937) an inquisitive person; also the nose of a nosy-parker
pysmatic (1652) interrogatory, always asking questions or inquiring
the elusive…
didapper (1612) someone who disappears and then pops up again
whiffler (1659) one who uses shifts and evasions in argument
kinshens (Scotland 1870) an evasive answer: ‘I don’t know, I cannot tell’
salt one up (US slang) to tell a different lie when covering up something
salvo (1659) a false excuse; an expedient to save a reputation or soothe hurt feelings
the unattractive…
farouche (Horace Walpole 1765) sullen, shy and repellent in manner
yahoo (Swift: Gulliver’s Travels 1726) a crude or brutish person
ramstamphish (Scotland 1821) rough, blunt, unceremonious; forward and noisy
the tedious…
meh (US slang popularized by The Simpsons) boring, apathetic or unimpressive
whennie (UK current slang) a person who bores listeners with tales of past exploits
and the just plain impossible…
quisquous (Scotland 1720) hard to handle, ticklish
utzy (LA slang 1989) uncomfortable, bothered, uneasy
argol-bargolous (1822) quarrelsome, contentious about trifles
camstroudgeous (Fife) wild, unmanageable, obstinate, perverse
whiffling (1613) trifling, pettifogging, fiddling
In the early nineteenth century two gentlemen in particular were to be avoided. Though both types persist, social developments may mean we may see more of the second than the first these days. A gentleman of three ins was ‘in gaol, indicted, and in danger of being hanged in chains’. While a gentleman of three outs was ‘without money, without wit, and without manners’.
Foppish, conceited behaviour – once known as coxcombical (1716) – seems too to be a persistently male trait:
jackanapes (Northern 1839) a conceited, affected, puppyish young man
princock (1540) a pert, forward, saucy boy; a conceited young man
flapadosha (Yorkshire) an eccentric, showy person with superficial manners
Women, by contrast, have come in for all kinds of criticism:
mackabroin (1546) a hideous old woman
Xanthippe (1596) an ill-tempered woman, a shrew (after Socrates’s wife)
cantlax (Westmoreland) a silly, giddy woman
termagant (1659) a violent, brawling, quarrelsome woman
bungo-bessy (Jamaican 1940) a woman whose busybody qualities are considered highly undesirable
criss-miss (West Indian 1950s) a pretentious woman who overestimates her abilities, charms and allure
Better, perhaps, those who assume airs than those who seem straightforward but aren’t:
janjansy (Cornwall 1888) a two-faced person
accismus (Medieval Latin 1753) feigning lack of interest in something while actually desiring it
mouth-honour (G. B. Shaw: Major Barbara 1907) civility without sincerity
mawworm (1850) a hypocrite with delusions of sanctity
Podsnap (from the character in Dickens’ Our Mutual Friend 1864) a complacent, self-satisfied person who refuses to face unpleasant facts
skilamalink (East London slang late 19C) secret, shady
Such characters make one long for that remarkable thing: the straightforward, decent, or just thoroughly good person…
rumblegumption (Burns: letter 1787) common sense
pancreatic (1660) fully disciplined or exercised in mind, having a universal mastery of accomplishments
towardliness (1569) a good disposition towards something, willingness, promise, aptness to learn
Rhadamanthine (Thackeray: Paris Sketchbook 1840) strictly honest and just (Rhadamanthus, Zeus’s half-human son, was made a judge of the souls of the dead due to his inflexible integrity)
… this is someone we all want to spend time with, and stay loyal to…
wine (Old English) a friend
bully (Geordie) a brother, comrade
bread-and-cheese friend (Sussex) a true friend as distinguished from a cupboard-lover (a personal attachment that appears to be motivated by love but stems from the hope of gain)
