An apple pie without the cheese is like the kiss without the squeeze
(1929)
British food is often unfavourably compared with the cuisines of other nations. But why on earth should this be?
dribble-beards (Scotland 1829) long strips of cabbage in broth
dog and maggot (UK military forces) biscuits and cheese
chussha-wagga (Worcestershire) inferior cheese
druschoch (Ayrshire) any liquid food of a nauseating appearance
Dr Johnson famously described oats as ‘a grain which is in England given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people’. Turnips on the other hand have long sustained people on both sides of the border. In the dialect of north-east England they have been known as bagies, naggies, narkies, nashers, snadgers, snaggers, snannies, snarters, tungies and yammies. In Scotland they’re called neeps, as in bashed neeps (mashed turnips) the traditional accompaniment to haggis.
Pig-months (19C) are those months in the year which have an ‘r’ in their name: that is, all except the summer months of May, June, July or August, when it was traditionally considered unwise to eat pork (or shellfish). But however safe your ingredients, correct preparation is essential:
spitchcock (1675) to prepare an eel for the table
bonx (Essex) to beat up batter for pudding
engastration (1814) the act of stuffing one bird into another (the result is called a turducken)
sclench (Shropshire) to check water at its boiling point, by dashing cold water into it
swinge (Newfoundland 1896) to burn the down off sea-birds after plucking the feathers
Fancy names abound for different types of food, whether they be barely edible, plain or thought of as a delicacy:
Boston strawberries (US late 19C) baked beans
call-dog (Jamaican English 1943) a fish too small for human consumption (so one calls the dog to eat it)
first lady (US drugstore jargon 1930s) spare ribs (Eve was made from Adam’s rib)
scuttle-mouth (1848) a small oyster in a very large shell
pishpash (Anglo-Indian) a slop of rice-soup with small pieces of meat in it
bobby-jub (Yorkshire) strawberries and cream
dandyfunk (nautical jargon 1883) a ship’s biscuit, soaked in water, mixed with fat and molasses, and baked in a pan
spadger (Tudor–Stuart) a sparrow; something small and tasty (sparrows were an Elizabethan delicacy)
armored cow (US army slang 1940s) canned milk
honeymoon salad (US diner jargon) lettuce alone (i.e. ‘let us alone’)
Adam and Eve on a raft (US diner jargon) two fried eggs on a piece of toast
Whatever you put on your table, you can be fairly sure that there’ll be someone around to hoover it up:
smell-feast (1519) one who haunts good tables, a greedy sponger
cosherer (1634) someone who feasts or lives upon the industry of others
slapsauce (1573) a person who enjoys eating fine food, a glutton
hodger (US slang) a guest who eats all of the host’s food and drinks all of the host’s drinks
Perhaps the best you can hope for is reasonable table manners:
dooadge (Yorkshire) to handle food in a messy way (often said of children)
mimp (1861) to play with one’s food
pingle (Suffolk) to move food about on the plate for want of an appetite
sword swallower (Australian slang) someone eating from his knife, especially among shearers
yaffle (1788) to eat or drink especially noisily or greedily
… or at least guests who aren’t fussy eaters:
pica (1563) a strong and unnatural craving for unsuitable food (such as chalk), which occurs during pregnancy
omophagist (1884) a person who eats raw flesh
pozzy-wallah (Tommies’ slang 1914–18) a man inordinately fond of jam
And then, hunger sated, you have the opportunity to sit back, digest and relax. Just keep an eye on all your guests…
rizzle (1890) to enjoy a short period of absolute idleness after a meal
nooningscaup (Yorkshire 18C) the labourer’s resting time after dinner
dando (19C) one who frequents hotels, eating-houses and other such places, satisfies his appetite and decamps without payment