Harley watched in disbelief as the Joker stalked toward her in a full-on fury. She had run to hug him and he had backhanded her, she realized. Why would he do that? Tears welled up in her eyes.
“I don’t understand, puddin’,” she said. “Don’t you wanna finally get rid of Batman?”
“Only if I do it, you idiot!” the Joker roared at her. “Batman is mine! You have no right to come between us!”
Harley had stashed the blueprints of the plan up her sleeve; she was shaking as she took it out and unrolled it. “B-b-but it’s still y-y-your p-p-p-plan. Everything’s j-j-just like y-you want!” The Joker snatched the paper away from her. “A-all I d-did was hang B-b-batman upside down so he’d see their little p-p-p-piranha frowns as little smiles! Now it works how it’s supposed to—”
The Joker tore the plan to shreds in a frenzy, then jumped up and down on the pieces. “You had to explain it!” he railed at her. “If you have to explain the joke, There! Is! No! Joke!”
Harley scrambled backward as the Joker came at her. Veins were popping out in his neck, his forehead, everywhere.
“My jokes are elegant in their simplicity!” the Joker bellowed, reaching for her with his fingers bent like claws, like he was going to rip her to pieces, too. “You see them, you get them, you laugh—End! Of! Joke!”
Harley spotted a swordfish hanging on the nearest wall. She pulled it down and held it in front of herself.
The Joker ignored it. “You should’ve remembered what I told you a long time ago,” he raged. “One of the few real truths of comedy!”
“N-n-now, c-c-calm down, p-puddin’.” She raised the swordfish in defense.
Instead of flinching, the Joker tore it out of her hands by the sword part and walloped her with the fish body. “You always take shots from people who just don’t get the joke!”
Harley put her arms up to deflect the blows and staggered backward into a giant floor-to-ceiling window. Most windows in commercial buildings weren’t easily broken; she fully expected to bounce off it. Then the Joker would probably skewer her with her own swordfish. God, she hated fish.
Unfortunately, this particular window shattered on impact. Harley found herself sailing out into the night before she could think to scream.
* * *
The Joker grinned. Here he’d just been thinking Harley had to go and—voila!—she was gone. Sometimes things just worked themselves out.
He tossed the swordfish out the broken window after her. “And don’t call me puddin’,” he added, observing another cardinal rule of comedy: always get the last word.
* * *
“I have to apologize for the kid,” the Joker was saying as he lowered Batman to the bar in front of the fish tank. Batman could see it was a real struggle for him. He’d been locked up in Arkham for so long, he was badly out of shape. He wasn’t getting any younger, either.
“She’s like a lot of young people these days,” the Joker went on. “No style, no sense of propriety. Tell you what, Batsie—let’s just pretend tonight never happened. Sound good to you?”
“Sounds great,” said Batman. The Joker finally managed to lay him out on the bar. Distant noises coming from outside indicated the cops had arrived. The Joker didn’t seem to hear them; apparently he was also getting a little deaf in his old age. That was the downside of being a criminal: no health insurance, worker’s comp, or retirement plan. Criminals never thought about that sort of thing. But then, as Alfred had noted, no sensible person was wanted in two dozen states.
“Okay, we’re done here! See ya!” The Joker patted Batman’s cheek affectionately and headed for the exit.
Batman had just managed to slide off the bar into a standing position when the Joker suddenly stopped and turned back to him, a nasty smile spreading slowly across his face. “On the other hand, this is a rather rare opportunity,” he said, coming back toward him. “How does that old saying go—a bat in the hand is worth two in the belfry?”
The Joker pushed Batman down on the bar, bending him backward so his feet dangled inches above the floor. “Whaddaya know, Batsie!” Laughing maniacally, he whipped out a handgun and pressed the muzzle against the part of the cowl covering his nose. “Looks like you’re going out on a laugh after all!”
Batman brought his legs up in a sudden sharp motion just as the Joker pulled the trigger. The shot missed Batman completely and hit the fish tank. The world’s most dangerous waterfall cascaded down on both of them.
Free of the Joker, Batman made it to the nearby table where Harley had tossed his utility belt. He could hear the Joker cursing furiously as he slipped and fell amid the piranhas flapping around on the floor. Piranhas weren’t quite as scary out of water but apparently some of them were determined to get a few last bites before their demise.
“Very funny, Batm—ow! OW!” The Joker tried to shake off a couple of piranhas that had clamped themselves onto his fingers. “Ow! Real friggin’ funny, Batman. You must think you’re a comedian—ow, ow ow!”
Batman freed himself from his last chain just as the Joker got to his feet and ran for the exit; Jim Gordon and Harvey Bullock were already there to meet him.
The Joker reached into his jacket. “Look out!” Bullock yelled. “He’s going for his—fish?”
There was a piranha in the Joker’s hand instead of a pistol. He slapped Bullock with it and ran.
* * *
Knowing that cops were coming up the stairs and more cops had the building surrounded would have convinced most criminals to give up. The Joker took the stairs two at a time to the roof.
Batman burst through the access door to see him poised on the brick ledge, looking a bit like a diver on the high board. There was a storage building across the way and the distance was plainly impossible even for someone in top condition, but the Joker was going to try anyway. Batman took a step toward him and started to say it was suicide when he sprang off the ledge, his arms windmilling and his legs pedaling air.
Batman rushed to the ledge and was astonished to see the Joker hadn’t missed by much—he was hanging from an iron railing on the edge of the storage building roof. Before he could even try to pull himself up, however, the railing broke off under his weight.
Laughing exuberantly, the Joker landed on the roof of a passing elevated train. “Made you look!” he jeered as it carried him away. Batman paid no attention; he was already heading for another part of the roof. He knew this section of track much better than the Joker did.
The Joker was obviously having the time of his life. He put his thumbs in his ears and waggled his fingers, blew raspberries, thumbed his nose, and blew more raspberries. When he finally began to wind down, Batman spoke up from his position behind him: “She almost had me, you know,” he said.
A mix of disbelief and fury twisted the Joker’s features as he whirled to look at Batman.
“My arms and legs were chained,” Batman went on conversationally, or as much as it was possible atop a moving train. “My belt was gone. I was dizzy from the blood rushing to my head—I was pretty helpless. I had no way out other than convincing her to call you.”
The Joker swayed but kept his balance. All he needed was a little push.
“Your massive ego would never allow anyone else to have the ‘honor’ of killing me,” said Batman, making air quotes. “Though I have to admit, she came a lot closer than you ever did.” Pause. “Puddin’.”
He practically saw the Joker’s mind explode, vaporizing the last remnants of sanity. His wide, bloodshot eyes were wild as he leaped for Batman and closed his fists around his neck. Batman clapped both hands over the Joker’s ears and the Joker threw an elbow at his face.
Batman let the momentum of the blow take him backward only far enough to give him room for a savate kick to the Joker’s face. The Joker was so crazed now, he didn’t seem to feel it. He threw several wild punches that Batman evaded easily, before he suddenly produced a knife.
Some idiot always brings a knife to a fistfight, Batman thought and slammed the Joker’s wrist down on his knee. His fingers opened and the Joker tried to grab the knife with his other hand. It was a stupid move, and his last one of the night. Thrown off-balance, the Joker pitched over the side.
“Noooooooooo!” he screamed. “Noooottttt aaaagggaaaaiiinnnnn!”
He disappeared into thick clouds of black smoke from a factory chimney.
A few seconds later, Batman jumped to a different train going the other way. As he passed the factory again, he saw no sign of a body.