Brian
I WAS so angry, I couldn’t stay in that house. Fortunately, my shoes and coat were by the front door. I left without saying goodbye to anyone.
I felt like crap as I stalked around the neighborhood of newer homes where Landon lived. Where could I go? I couldn’t go back to my parents’ place. And I couldn’t go back to Landon’s. Way to go, Brian. Burn every bridge in your life, asshole. How to alienate your friends and family in ten easy lessons!
I cut over to a strip mall not far from Landon’s house. I had a little cash in my coat pocket, so I went to a coffee shop and ordered toast and coffee. Even though the coffee shop was small and tucked away, I didn’t feel safe. My skin crawled, as if trying to warn me. The hair on my arms stood up. Anatomy was so ridiculous. At times it felt like my body was not connected to my conscious mind at all.
There were maybe ten people in the place, including the people who worked there. So why would a shooter target this ordinary little dive? Only it didn’t have to be strategic, did it? It could be a psychotic person who just happened to wander by, or an ex-fry-cook with a grudge. You saw those kinds of stories in the news all the time.
Why did I have to have those thoughts? How long would it take before I could go a whole day, or a whole week, doing normal stuff out in the world and never have a thought like that? The way I used to be. Before.
There I sat, worrying about the most unlikely of unlikely scenarios. And meanwhile, Landon was going to fly on a plane to New York, ride in several taxis probably, and sit on a live panel about gun violence. And he wasn’t afraid.
I was pathetic.
Landon texted me to ask where I was and if I was all right. I texted him back that I was fine, and I’d see him later. I expected him to keep texting. Maybe an apology? Maybe to start the argument back up again. But he didn’t send me anything more.
After I finished eating and browsing the internet on my phone, it was almost noon. Landon was leaving soon for the airport, and I couldn’t stand in his living room with his parents and fake a happy send-off. I didn’t want to see him go.
In desperation, I called the only person I could think of.
IT WAS a mile walk to Madison’s house. But the day wasn’t too awful—cold and windy, but not raining or snowing, so that was a bonus. The snow we’d gotten on Christmas Day had melted, leaving a bare winter landscape. Traffic was light on this quiet Saturday between Christmas and New Year’s. I figured Madison had probably heard from Landon, and maybe she wouldn’t be too thrilled to see me. But she seemed cool when she gave me a hug at the door.
“Hey, Brian! This is the first time you’ve deigned to grace me with your presence without Landon. I’m so honored!”
“What does ‘deigned’ mean, anyway?” I asked.
“Hell if I know. Want something to drink? My parents took my little brother to a climbing wall today—it was one of his Christmas presents. Which means we can do whatever we want. Shy of naked cocaine parties, anyway.”
“Damn. There go my plans to seduce you and get you stoned.”
“Aw, don’t get a girl’s hopes up.”
Madison’s house was warm and super cozy, with a couch and loveseat so overstuffed that they looked like clouds, and lots of books, magazines, and Legos lying around. I liked the clutter. It made it feel like a real home, like Madison’s family were probably laid-back people. We decided to freak her brother out by building a Lego tower, and Madison put on American Gods while we did it. She said she’d been meaning to rewatch it for a while, and I’d never seen it.
All in all, it was a decent way to kill a few hours, which was just what I needed.
Madison texted with someone a few times, and I had a feeling it was Landon. My own phone never made a peep. After the third episode of American Gods, Madison turned off the TV and crab-walked on her knees back to our Lego tower. She sat cross-legged opposite me, her chin in her hand.
“Landon’s taking off for the airport now.”
I nodded and snapped another piece on the turret I was building.
“I asked if he had a message for you. He said to tell you he’ll see you tomorrow night and that he’ll miss you.”
I licked my lips. “Cool. Thanks.”
There was a Lego piece I couldn’t figure out how to attach. It was a little flag thing. I turned it over in my hand, studying it. Like me, the piece didn’t seem to fit anywhere.
“So what’s up with you two?” Madison asked. “Don’t tell me you’re breaking up, because that would torpedo all my dreams. If you guys can’t make it, that proves love is a rabid dog, just as I always suspected.”
I smiled. “Bit dramatic there, Maddy?”
“I’m totes serious,” she said with enthusiasm.
“I think we’re okay. I just don’t like it when he goes someplace like that.”
“Someplace like….” She frowned in confusion. “You got something against New York? Is it a Taxi Driver thing? Because I watched that with my dad last year, and it was creepy as hell.”
I huffed. “No, not New York. I hate it when he does public appearances. Or he’s on TV and shit.” I tossed the little red flag back into the box.
Madison looked thoughtful. She drew up her knees. She was wearing grape-purple velvet sweats, which were probably a Christmas present and were, frankly, alarming. But probably comfortable. “Okaaaay. Why do you hate that?”
“I feel like… he cares about this crusade more than he cares about anything else. And I worry that he’s going to be like my dad, constantly obsessed with politics.”
“Hmmm.” Madison thought about it. “Landon’s a passionate person. He’s always stood up for what he thinks is right. He stood up for me, you know. And Josiah. And a lot of other people. Right now, he’s all about gun control. In a way, I think that’s him standing up for you.”
I knew part of Landon’s passion for gun control was me, and part of it was all the other kids he saw in the cafeteria that day, and part of it was for reasons probably even he couldn’t figure out. I didn’t say anything.
She sighed. “Look, I know Landon wasn’t wounded like you were. But he was traumatized too that day, Brian. He’s got to live with what he witnessed. And I think fighting for gun control helps him deal with it. I know it helps me deal with it, and I didn’t even really see that much. It’s fight or flight, right? So maybe you guys simply deal with it differently.”
“I know. It’s just…. He’s making himself a target. And I can’t…. How can I deal with that? What if someone hurts him? Kills him? I can’t handle it. Not when I’m already so afraid of everything. And he doesn’t even care about the haters. I think he’d still go out and give a speech even if he knew he might die. Like some kind of martyr. It drives me insane.”
Maddy looked solemn. “He doesn’t want to die, Brian. I promise you, he doesn’t. He has a great life, and he knows that. He loves you. That was obvious to Josiah and me way before you two figured it out. From the minute you came back to school, he was there for you. He never left your side. He cares about you so much.”
Her words brought back so many memories of those first weeks back at school. I had to stop for a moment and breathe. “He was great. I don’t know what I’d have done without him.”
“And you never left his side, either. The two of you are disgustingly bonded. And I know you don’t fundamentally disagree with Landon over gun rights. True?”
“Of course not.” When it came down to it, I believed in all the changes he was fighting for. For that matter, I’d probably go even further.
“Right. So I know you worry about him. And I know there are assholes out there who would hurt him if they could. I totally get why that would upset and trigger you. But maybe you guys could talk about it and find some kind of compromise? Because it’d be a shame if the two of you, who really love each other, and ultimately agree on the big stuff, can’t find a way to stick together.”
“Ugh.” I covered my face with my hands. There was so much emotion churning inside me. Mostly there was one, though—one biochemical feedback loop that was making my life hell. And now it was even affecting my relationship with Landon.
I dropped my hands. “I’m so tired of being afraid.”
She shuffled around the Lego tower to me, deliberately being funny about it. She plopped down next to me and slung an arm over my shoulder. “Yeah. Fear is the little death. The mind killer.”
I rolled my eyes. “You are such a nerd.”
She smiled. “Great, isn’t it? Listen, he’s held you up, Brian. Maybe….” She bit her lip and looked at me warily. “Maybe you can find a way to do the same for him? I know he doesn’t show it. But Landon needs your support too.”
I knew she was right. Somehow, I had to deal with my fear and be willing to support Landon’s cause. Because he was never going to change. And I wouldn’t want him to. His passion and his desire to fight for what was right was one of the things I loved and admired about him.
I had to put that stupid Gollum in my head to rest one way or another.