I did what I could, after he died. I sent Mary to live with the Angletons after he killed himself I didn’t want her back in that house again, not ever, not after what we had put her through there. But then she didn’t like the new place, either. She cried and cried when she saw the apartment. I put so much into that place, I tried so hard, and she hated it. I sent her to a psychiatrist, she wouldn’t talk, I made play dates with other kids, she wouldn’t play. All she would do was read. Well that’s what I had done, after Eva died, so in a way I understood. I stuck my nose in a book after she died and I never took it back out, and after Michael died I did the same thing with the magazine So she stayed in her books and I stayed in the office and she grew up and I never knew her I never knew her at all. She hated me One day she was reading Narma, the next day she came home with pink hair, dressed like a hooker, then she left school, and God only knows what she does now. God only knows She hated me.”
“I never hated you, Mom I loved you so much.”
“She never forgave me. Me or her father, never forgave us for what we put her through in that house The doctors, the crying, all day on the couch like a zombie. Of course she was neglected, I put everything I had into making him better. Why would she forgive us? We fucked it up, we fucked it all up royally. She hated the house, she hated me, so I let her alone, first with the books and then with her friends. Veronica and Suzie Nitwits, those girls, real honest-to-God bimbos, but very sweet. I let her alone. What was I supposed to do, beg her forgiveness? I would have, if I thought it would work. I can’t blame her. I stayed with the magazine and did what I could. It was Michael’s baby and I wasn’t going to let it die
“No one thought I could do it All the men, the great literary fuckers, they were all coming around, and it certainly wasn’t to help They all thought I would appoint a new editor-in-chief and besides, I was only thirty-six, I still had my looks, I had money They wanted the magazine and they wanted to fuck me They certainly weren’t there to help. God almighty, were they surprised when it sold I didn’t come from money, I didn’t come from books. When I was girl I had to hide books from my mother, and I was reading True Romance This is where I had come from, a fucking Polack reading True Romance with a flashlight. No one thought I could do it Jesus, were they surprised when it sold
“Roy Montauk and Jack Jameson and Nelson Chandler, they sure as hell didn’t think I could do it. Nelson Chandler, not two months is Michael gone and he’s asking me out. Like he could ever—like he could even hold a candle to him, like he could even breathe the same fucking air as him. Imagine being with a man like Nelson, flabby, stuck, dead, after Michael I can’t On his worst day, at his sickest, Michael was a hundred times the man that any of those schmucks were. They don’t get it, I just can’t do it I went on one date, though, with Tony Chinerase I don’t know. I could never bring another man home, not after what she’s been through.
“I went out with Norman Chambers, I went out once with Eli Peterson. Jack Merchant took me to the National Book Awards. But I’ve been with Sid for a while now and I like it the way it is We see each other when we see each other and we have a good time I don’t want anything else Two marriages is enough
“He helps with the magazine, Sid. Helps with decisions He knows it’s everything to me and it’s awful, because he knows why it’s so important to me But he’s a widower too, and he’s got a big portrait of his wife in the hallway, she’s the first thing you see when you walk into that house. So he understands Of course time goes on, but it doesn’t mean you forget You stop talking about it but you don’t forget. You never forget I wouldn’t marry him anyway, though—two marriages is enough And I’m certainly not bringing another man home I’m never putting her through that again, never.”
“Sid’s here, Mom He’s out in the waiting room He wants to see you ”
“Really? That’s nice Everyone is so fucking nice, when you’re in the hospital Everyone wants to visit, they want to send flowers, they want to call on the telephone. Get well soon. Like anyone ever got better in a place like this I don’t think they’re helping at all. I hate the hospitals, honestly, I really hate them.”
“I’m sorry, Mom, I’m so sorry I wish we could go home ”
“What are you sorry for? It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault, you hear me? It’s nobody’s fault that he’s so sick When my father died they kept him in for six weeks Cancer My mother, too. It’ll be a miracle if I don’t get it. They kept them both alive on those machines—it’s like what they’re doing to Michael now They’re not helping him, they’re just keeping him alive, just keeping him alive long enough to pay the bills. I could kill those doctors, honestly, I could fucking murder them.”
“I’m so sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry we have to be here.”
“It’s nothing to be sorry about. What was I saying? Oh, Mary, I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve got one of those headaches again ”
“I’ll get the nurse ”
“No, don’t Please don’t go. I don’t want to be alone ”