BREATHING HARD and more than a little nervous, I stared up at the double doors of Zaire’s study. The carved owl glared down as if judging me. Should I go in? Should I knock? Would they let me in? Before I could make up my mind, one of the doors opened. I jumped back in surprise. Zaire slid out and yanked the door shut.
“Little cat,” he greeted.
“Jeez! Don’t do that.”
A wide grin erased his worried expression. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist coming to me. Come, give us a kiss.”
I put my hands up. “Not when Troyan’s behind those doors.”
“You’re saying if Troyan wasn’t in my study right now you’d kiss me?”
“Stop it.”
He looked away, smile disappearing. My heart broke in half. I closed the gap between us and touched his cheek. He leaned into the contact, covering my hand with his.
“I shouldn’t let you go in there,” he whispered.
I pulled my hand from his cheek and stepped closer until I stood inches from Zaire. Shifting my weight, I planted a soft kiss on his jaw.
“Thank you for saving him,” I said. “I owe you one.”
Zaire regarded me with an icy blue stare. “If you had bitten me first, would things be different? Would you have considered me over him?”
“I don’t know.”
Many unsaid words floated between us, choking the air. We stood still, gazes locked, searching for answers in each other’s face. I wondered what it would have been like if I’d bitten Zaire. Would I have felt the same connection? The same physical pull?
From what Perrin and Gaige had told me, they found partners by first forging a connection. Not the other way around. I stopped myself. I couldn’t let myself dwell on the what-ifs. As Darius said, what was done was done. There was no use hoping the past would change because it never would. All I could do now was move forward.
“Are you sure he’s the one you want?” Zaire asked.
“Yes,” I said.
With a sad sigh, Zaire stepped aside. “He’s still recovering. Don’t do anything to aggravate him.”
I glared. “I won’t—”
A golden eyebrow arched. “I doubt that.”
I punched his arm playfully. “Gaige has something to tell you.”
He nodded and left.
An overwhelming sense of sadness I couldn’t explain gripped my chest while I watched him turn a corner. My shoulders slumped. If Gaige thought he had made a mess of things, what about me? I just clawed Zaire’s heart out and stomped on it with my sneaker. I was the worst person in the world right now.
After a huff I faced the doors again. I lifted my hand to knock, but before I touched the wood, Troyan said, “Come in.”
Hand trembling, I twisted the knob and went in. I pushed the door shut with a soft click and leaned on it, my head bowed, afraid to see what stood in front of me. No point in denying Perrin’s words. My body reacted the moment I entered the room.
My skin tingled. My heart raced. The pull of him was a magnetic field. If I moved away from the door, I knew I’d catapult toward him. A burning thirst that needed quenching ravaged me. A primitive urge begged for me to move, leaving me craving for some sort of release.
My heart contracted when I remembered Troyan almost died today. He allowed himself to get whipped because of what I had done to him. All this time, he had been saving me, acting as my shield against anything that posed a threat. No matter what was happening between us, he managed to wrap me in his warmth and make me feel safe. I couldn’t ask for more, and yet, I had a feeling if I did, he would give everything he had. It was enough to make me cry. I couldn’t lose him. Not now.
“How long do you plan on standing there?” Troyan asked. His deep voice touched my skin, sending a delicious shiver all the way to my toes.
Troyan stood by the massive desk wearing a white shirt and dark trousers. His hair was tied back with a red ribbon. Despite seeming paler than usual, Troyan looked like he had never been whipped.
I approached him carefully. I was afraid he’d disappear if I hurried. I wanted to feel him, to know he was really standing there.
Troyan gathered me close. I hesitated at first, and he waited patiently until I stepped into his arms. He sat on the desk’s edge and leaned me against him. His groan reverberated from his chest into mine.
“Does it hurt?” I asked, pulling away.
“Hurt? No.”
Despite his features barely showing any expression, I saw desire blazing within the infinite blackness of his eyes. A smoldering blush blossomed on my cheeks and climbed up the bridge of my nose. My heart raced like a hamster on a wheel.
“I thought you were going to die,” I whispered.
He searched my eyes. “Not now.”
“But you could have. You shouldn’t have let me bite you.”
“Are you saying you made a mistake in marking me?”
“Where is this coming from?”
“No matter, the end justified the means,” he said.
I squinted. “You wanted to get whipped?”
Troyan met my accusing stare with a stubborn one of his own. “Vladimir needed to feel he was in a place of power. Having me humiliated in public would make him complacent. It would push him to move forward with his plans.”
His words flew over me. “I don’t understand.”
“Vladimir has been planning on stealing power from my father the moment Zaire abdicated. He wants to return to the old ways, to lift the forbidden. Having me whipped shows his party members how much power he holds, hopefully inspiring them to act. And when they do, we will be ready for them.”
I couldn’t believe it. He planned the whole thing so that he could corner the man who wanted to take his father’s throne? Anger and disgust left me cold and alone.
“That’s sick! You sacrificed yourself. You had me worrying just because you wanted that vile man to act on his plans?” I clenched my fists until my fingernails bit into my palm. “Damn you!” No sooner did those words leave my mouth did arms wrap me in a strong embrace. “Let me go,” I hissed.
“No,” Troyan said. “You have to understand.”
“What exactly don’t I understand? You used me, plain and simple. And to think I….”
“You what?”
I shook my head in defeat. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Gaige says the formula is killing me. If I don’t let him inject me with his version of the plague, I’m gonna die.”
“Camron, look at me,” he said urgently. I didn’t, so he shook me and commanded, “Look at me!”
I did then, but with all the hatred I felt in my heart.
Troyan’s eyes narrowed. “I do not believe you.”
“Ask him, then,” I challenged. “Better yet, let me go and wait for him to tell you. The less I see you the better.” I struggled, but it was useless. His grip was too strong.
In seconds his lips were on mine, claiming, taking, forcing his way in. I tried to keep my lips rigid, unresponsive, but it was a losing battle. I hated how weak I was against Troyan’s kisses. No matter how used I felt, I was still melting in his arms, asking for more, responding as if nothing was wrong.
Troyan turned us around and moved toward the desk, not once breaking the kiss. I whimpered when my back hit the desk’s edge. Troyan’s lips swallowed the sound. He hooked his hands behind my thighs, and in one swift lift had me sitting on top of the desk, positioning himself between my legs. I didn’t care at that point, lost as I was in the drug of his lips. All I could do was cling to his neck in the hopes of living through the heat burning inside me.
Troyan’s lips left mine and moved to my ear. While he was kissing a line down to my neck, he pulled my hands free from their death grip on his hair and pinned them at my sides, palms flat on the table. I wanted to hold him, but he wouldn’t let me. It was torture to have his lips touch me and I couldn’t touch him. I moaned my frustration.
His kisses stopped. I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me with hot intensity. I felt the burn of his eyes all over my body.
“Listen to me,” he said almost like a threat. I nodded even if my mind was still muddled from his kiss. “I did not use you. I would never think of using you.”
“Then why did you say so?” I accused more than asked.
“Because…,” he started but turned his face away.
I wished he wasn’t pinning my hands so I could use them to turn his face back to mine. “Because?”
The muscle on his jaw jumped. He returned his gaze, but his eyes were strangely guarded. “Because you are only responding to the change. Because you do not feel the same way I do for you.”
His words made no sense. Me? Not feel the same way? It was crazy. How could he ever think…?
“Let go of my hands,” I said, meeting his stare with my own.
Reluctantly, Troyan released them.
I cupped his face and pulled him down until his lips met mine. His palms slammed on the tabletop as he received my kiss. I put every feeling I had in the kiss, but it was my eyes he was looking at when I broke free to catch my breath.
“How can you be so dense to think that I don’t feel the same way you do?” I clapped his right cheek with my hand.
“But you said as much when I asked you about marking me.” He had the face of a lost child when he spoke. If I wasn’t so angry at him, I would have smiled.
“I didn’t know what I was doing, Troyan,” I said. “I’ve been with other guys, but I never felt this way about them. It scares me how much I feel for you.”
“Before I met you, Camron, I was….”
“A robot,” I finished. All I saw of his annoyance was the furrowing of his brow.
“Appropriate in many ways.” He paused a moment, then said, “Zaire and I are working together to keep Vladimir off the throne. We have been monitoring him. I hardly cared before. I was helping because it was my duty as Effendi.”
“But when I saw you backing away from Eli that night, something in me screamed to save you. Maybe it was the way you faced him head-on. Or maybe it was your innocence. I was going to walk away, but I found myself running toward you instead.” His eyes focused on my face.
“After that, all I wanted was to keep you safe. As an Inshari Regalia, an Effendi Excelsi, I could not be under the spell of a human like you. Humans and Inshari do not mix. Ever.” He took my right hand and kissed my palm. I felt the heat of his lips all the way to my toes. “Gaige, bless and curse him at the same time, gave me what I wanted.”
“The formula,” I said.
Troyan nodded.
“Troyan, I asked Zaire to take the throne back,” I said before I lost my nerve.
The look in his eyes hardened. “You what?”
“Okay, not the reaction I was looking for.” I pulled back. “That time you found me kissing Zaire.”
Troyan’s breathing quickened.
“It’s not what you think,” I said before he stopped thinking clearly. “I asked Zaire to take the throne, and he said he would if I kissed him. Don’t you see? You’re free. You can travel the world—”
“Do you think just because you kissed Zaire that he would take the throne?” he said, ice in his voice. “Camron, what you heard me telling my father about traveling is irrelevant.”
The first stab of betrayal went into my heart. “What are you saying?”
“I will be the next Excelsior after my father relinquishes the throne.”
The second stab joined the first.
“It is my destiny to lead my people.”
Words failed me. How could I argue with the determination in Troyan’s eyes? He practically said we couldn’t ever be together. That his feelings for me weren’t enough to accept that Zaire could take back the throne. Each beat of my heart sent the knives of betrayal deeper in, killing me softly.
“Listen,” he said, and then the doors slammed open.
The urgent energy surrounding Zaire as he strode to his work desk zinged over my skin, causing electric goose bumps to rise.
“We have a problem,” he said, the strong lines of his shoulders tense. “Camron, I think you should go back to your room.”
Troyan moved from between my legs and helped me down from the desk.
“I’m staying,” I said.
“I think he is right,” Troyan said. “I think it would be better if you returned to your room.” He touched my cheek.
I moved away from his touch and focused my gaze on Zaire. “Whatever you two need to talk about, I’m staying for all of it. I’m already in waist-deep. The least you can do is let me help.”
Zaire shook his head in defeat while Troyan loosened the tension on his back by rolling his shoulders. In case they still thought of convincing me to leave, I crossed my arms and widened my stance. Nothing was moving me from the room.
“You were right,” Zaire began, settling his gaze on Troyan. “Vladimir plans to mobilize tomorrow, during the festival.”
“Do we have contingencies in place?” Troyan asked.
Zaire shuffled through the wrinkled papers on the table, searching for something. Finding what he was looking for, he said, “I have everything in place.”
“What about the time?” Troyan took the paper from Zaire and scanned its contents. “Do we know when he will strike?”
“That’s what we are trying to find out. We get the sense that he’s waiting for something.”
“He wants me,” I said.
“What?” Zaire and Troyan said in unison.
“When I was found tied up in that room,” I said to Zaire instead of Troyan, “you guys already knew who was behind it.”
From my periphery I saw anger color Troyan’s face. “What are you saying?”
I crushed the need to soothe Troyan. He had made his choice and I wasn’t it. I needed to focus before the thoughts slipped from my mind.
“Beatrix finding me in that garden seems a little too convenient. Someone did knock me out when I got her pinned down. Since she’s Vladimir’s ward, wouldn’t he use her to get what he wanted?” I kept my gaze on Zaire. “You did say Vladimir was looking for just cause. Isn’t that me?”
“I don’t like where this is going, Camron,” Zaire said, his face growing pale.
“Use me as bait. It’s the only way.”
“Absolutely not!” Troyan bellowed. “I am not putting you in any more danger than you already are. With the formula killing you, who knows what could happen.”
I begged Zaire with my gaze. “Surely Gaige already told you about me.”
He nodded reluctantly.
“Then back me up here,” I said.
“Camron!” Troyan was beyond fuming.
Zaire held up his hand to stop Troyan’s advance toward me. “Troyan, this might be the only way.”
Troyan shuddered. He turned his back on us and breathed several times. When he turned around again, he had renewed resolve in his eyes. “As the Effendi Excelsi, I do not condone this plan.” He leveled his intense gaze on me. “You will be confined to your quarters until after the Festival.”
“Troyan—”
“Guards will be posted outside your door at all times,” he said.
“Troyan,” Zaire said. “Don’t do this.”
Troyan pointed at Zaire. “Stay out of this. You abdicated of your own will. Now, let those in power rule for the good of the Inshari.”
Hurt formed on Zaire’s face a second before he hid it behind a blank mask.
“I will send two Bogatyr to escort you back to your room. I suggest you go with them.” Troyan didn’t look at me when he left the room.
I rushed to Zaire’s side. “You can’t let him do this,” I said.
“You heard him.” He looked into my eyes, the same sadness I had seen before returned. “Troyan is Effendi Excelsi. I have no right to overrule him.”
I grabbed Zaire’s arms and shook him. “Snap out of it.”
Zaire twisted out of my grip and faced his desk, leaning forward on his hands. “I’m no Excelsior, Camron.”
“That’s not what I saw when you asked Troyan to kneel before you in the courtyard or when you stormed into the throne room wearing your father’s robes and crown forcing Vladimir to lower Troyan’s sentence.” I moved closer to him but didn’t touch him. “You are every bit the Excelsior I know you are, Zaire. Now, do what’s best for your people.”
A tense silence settled between us.
I opened my mouth to speak again but closed it immediately when Zaire breathed in and out. I knew in that moment he had made his decision.
He glanced at me over his shoulder, a steely glint replacing his sadness. “When the Bogatyr arrive, go with them.”
“And then what?”
He stood up straighter than I’d ever seen him stand and faced me. The aura radiating from him in the throne room during the Atonement reignited. “I’ll make sure everything goes as planned.”