Carmen Winters
So, Owen is getting married. I didn’t expect that.
Leslie’s sprinklers are watering her perfectly manicured lawn. I sit by the window and stare at them, while tightly hugging my pillow. I haven’t been able to sleep for days. Sometimes I can manage to rest for a few minutes, but every time I close my eyes, I see Brad’s surprised expression as I place the gun in his mouth. I can feel the hard shape of the cool metal instrument clenched tightly in the palm of my hand. I can feel the clink as the metal collides with his teeth, and then, as my finger squeezes the trigger, the feeling of his face shattering. I keep waking up in a cold sweat, thinking that I am back in that church. I keep seeing the maid’s frightened expression as she grasps my hand.
“Drive! Please. Fast. Go very fast.”
With everything that’s happened, my mind is such a mess that I don’t really know how to react to the news about Owen’s engagement. It isn’t totally out of the blue. Caroline did propose to him right before I left. They do still share an apartment, so with me gone, I can see how he would end up back together with her. Owen is just a big softie, and it’s easy to convince him to do anything.
I just don’t know how I should feel. Am I allowed to feel betrayed? Should I feel sad?
Maybe. But I’m still processing all this.
I am only capable of feeling horrified that I just killed a man.
And relief.
Relief that I survived it all.
Owen might not be mine, but at least he’s safe, healthy, and happy. With Brad gone, everyone I love is finally safe, healthy, and happy. My dad is recovering well from his burns, and Helen seems to be in good spirits. Liam is taking good care of her. What more could I really ask for?
Well... I wouldn’t mind having my husband and my daughter back.
Everything has come to an end now—but what about my happy ending? If this is what a happy ending feels like, I am not impressed. I don’t know if I thought that as soon as I was able to avenge my family, they would somehow be magically brought back to life. What was the point of killing Brad if it couldn’t return my loved ones? Everything is so quiet now.
I feel like I haven’t achieved anything at all.
It was almost easier when Brad was still here. I had a goal; something to focus on. Spending all my energy on hating him and trying to outsmart him saved me from really having to think about anything else. I didn’t have to think about my future. Now, I’m all alone with the monsters in my head. I can’t relax. I can’t let go of this anxiety, and this feeling that there is trouble waiting for me around every corner.
And worst of all, I have to grieve all over again.
A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts, and I look up with fear. When the door is pushed slightly ajar and I see Helen is standing there in the crack, I exhale with relief.
Who was I expecting? Brad is already dead.
“Sorry if I startled you, Carm,” Helen says as she steps forward, holding out two items in her hands. “The police were able to recover your phone and your car.”
Squinting, I realize that she is holding my car keys and my cell phone. The sight of the items immediately fills me with comfort, and I stand up to accept them. The glitzy cell phone case makes me smile with nostalgia for the fun and fabulous girl I used to be. These are artifacts from back when things were normal. Could my life ever return to such normalcy?
“Where was my car?” I ask softly as I close my fingers around my phone.
“Apparently, Brad had one of his accomplices store your vehicle in a nearby garage,” Helen says with a raised eyebrow. “On his orders, they even washed it, gave it an oil change, polished the headlights, and detailed the interior. Pretty considerate for a serial killer.”
I nod slowly. “That was nice of him. He must have remembered that I was late for my oil change.” I pause, glancing up at my sister’s worried face. “And you say that I have bad taste in men!”
Helen stares at me for a moment, trying to conceal her smile. “Carmen!”
“Too soon?” I ask innocently.
She shakes her head in disapproval. ““Your phone was dead,” she says, gesturing to my hand. “But I charged it up for you.”
“Thanks, Hellie,” I tell her as I examine the home screen. My eyes widen slightly when I see that there are over four hundred missed calls from Owen over the past week. Wow. I’ve had stalkerish ex-boyfriends before, but this is a whole new level of obsessed. It warms my heart to know that someone cared, and did actually notice I was missing. There are also several frantic text messages from Lauren, saying that she hopes I’m okay. Saying that she’s not sure what she should do, and whether she should call the cops.
Up until lately, I never thought of Lauren as more than a work friend, but I feel very touched that she also noticed I was gone. After all I’ve been through, I’m just thankful that there is anyone who cares about me still left on the planet, and I feel like I should treasure every drop of affection I can find. I will have to reach out to Lauren sometime soon, and thank her for all her help. Maybe I’ll invite her out for martinis when I can stand to be out in public again.
“I’m sorry,” Helen says quietly. “God, Carm. I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” I ask her in confusion.
“I didn’t even know that you were gone. I was so focused on my own life, writing my new book and spending time with Liam…”
“Hellie, it’s fine. I’m just glad that you’re back in my life at all. We spent years not even talking, so I can’t expect you to notice I’ve been gone for a week.”
“I just thought you needed space,” Helen admits guiltily. “Owen was freaking out and he wanted to look for you… but I told him not to. I was projecting my own habits onto you—I thought of all the times I was overwhelmed and wanted to run away from it all. But I should have known you wouldn’t run. I should have known you’d face things headfirst.”
“Only because I have a hard head,” I say with a tired smile. “It doesn’t matter now, Hellie. Everything played out exactly the way it was meant to happen. I survived, didn’t I? And Brad’s gone. For good. Nothing else matters.”
Helen shakes her head. “Carm, you’re a mess. I’ve never seen you like this. I just wish I could have done something...”
“Shhh,” I tell her softly, slipping my phone into the pocket of my sweater before reaching out to take her hand. “I’m fine, darling. Just give me, like, five minutes and I’ll be a bubbly airhead again. I swear.”
This causes her lips to curl in a small smile. “You were never an airhead, big sister.”
“But I sure fooled everyone,” I say with a sly wink. “Now, there is something you can do for me. How about some comfort food? I could really use some of those red velvet cupcakes they sell at the bakery down the street.”
“Oh my god, yes,” Helen says with wide eyes. “I would die for some of those cupcakes right now. But, Carm...” Her voice has taken on a somber tone, and it worries me a little.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her with alarm. A thousand possible negative scenarios rush through my brain.
Helen clears her throat. “Speaking of red velvet cupcakes... Remember how I thought I might be pregnant? Well, I’m not.”
“What?”
“Yeah. I just got my period,” she says, lowering her chin slightly.
“And your bloody tampons reminded you of red velvet cupcakes?”
“No,” Helen says, wrinkling her nose. “That’s gross, Carm. Although, now that I can see, the colors are quite similar. I just meant that I’ve been craving chocolate and sweets like crazy since I got my period, so I could really use the cupcakes.”
I exhale slowly, for my chest has become very constricted as I remember losing my baby. I remember all the blood. I try to push past this memory. “You were never pregnant?” I ask her again.
“No. I guess not. I told Dr. Howard when I thought I might be, and the tests came back negative. But I hadn’t had my period in so long... it turns out that I am just really irregular, probably due to a low body fat percentage. And recovering from the car accident hasn’t helped.”
“I’m so sorry,” I tell her, reaching forward to give her a hug. “Are you disappointed?”
“A little,” she says softly, returning the hug. “But I am sure it will happen when it’s the right time. It’s probably for the best—I’d like some time to prepare. And to actually get married first! Maybe travel a bit more, too.”
I nod, pulling away. “This actually makes me really sad. I was really hoping to be an auntie soon, since I’ll never be a mother.”
“You will be,” Helen says with conviction. “Didn’t Owen say he would find a way to help you?”
“Owen’s getting married to Caroline,” I whisper.
“Oh, yeah,” Helen says with a displeased look. “That feels like bullshit to me, Carm.”
I lift my shoulders in a tired shrug.
Helen frowns. “Did you talk to him about it? I don’t think marrying her is really what he wants.”
“Well,” I say with another shrug, “he’s going to have to figure that out. I’m done chasing after boys, Hellie.”
She places her hand on my upper arm and gives me a gentle squeeze. “I understand. Well, I’m here if you want to talk about it, okay? Or if you just want to hang out, and not talk about it. We could watch some movies and relax. Whatever you need! I’m here.”
“I know,” I say softly, reaching out to punch her playfully in the shoulder. “Now what are you waiting for, woman? Go get me my cupcakes!”
“Yes, ma’am!” Helen says with a mock salute, before heading to the door. She is halfway through the door when she turns back to look at me with a sad smile. “I wish Mom were here, Carm. Everything was always perfect when she was around.”
Nodding slowly, I look into my sister’s melancholy eyes. The familiar pain spreads through my chest, as I remember yet another person I have loved and lost. “I know, sweetie. But we’re lucky, you know? We have Leslie, who’s probably the closest thing to mom on the planet. And she really took care of dad over the past few weeks.”
“Leslie really has been great,” Helen says softly. “But I just...”
She trails off into silence and stares at the wall.
“I miss Mom, too,” I tell her softly. “But, Hellie? I think we’re going to be just fine.”
“I hope so,” she says firmly. “But until then? Cupcakes.”