Chapter

27

I needed to pick up Hannah, Dan, and Rachel, but I still had a couple of hours, and there was someone else I needed to see first.

As I walked to Sam’s house, I tried to compose a carefully worded statement that would include everything that I needed to say. No emotion. Just the facts. He had become the rock I had grown to depend on during the past week. He had driven me to Mitch’s house, something that I was only now realizing I had really needed. He had listened to me whine and cry, and, amazingly, he’d believed me when he should have dismissed me as a lunatic. On top of all that, he had sent Corrie my way today, something I would be forever grateful for. I owed him my thanks for everything he had done for me. But would I get distracted once I was with him? That’s what seemed to happen every time. The last thing I needed was to break my promise to myself and kiss him—as if things weren’t already complicated enough.

By the time I got to his door, I still hadn’t figured out everything I wanted to say, but I took a deep breath and rang the bell anyway. I heard the TV playing inside, but it was silenced when the bell chimed. A few seconds later Alice Sharp answered the door. She was a small, thin woman with a perpetually wary look on her face. According to Sam, this cautiousness was a holdover from her first marriage to Sam’s father, even before she had met Leonard. When she saw me at the door, a smile lit up her face. I remembered this reaction from my first time around. For some reason that I had never quite understood, Sister Sharp really liked me. A couple of years after I was married, she had finally divorced Brother Sharp and moved away. I had been happy for her, but I missed seeing her whenever I visited our old ward with my family.

“Annie, come in. How is your father doing?” she asked as she ushered me inside. I answered her inquiries about my father with a smile, but I entered the house nervously, not wanting to encounter Leonard and all of his false joviality. Even if Sam hadn’t told me about Leonard’s abusive treatment, I would have known something was off. He had always rubbed me the wrong way. Thankfully, Sister Sharp’s next words put my mind at ease, at least on that score.

“My husband is out for the evening,” she said. “Sam just got back, though. I’ll go and get him.”

“It’s okay, Mom,” Sam said from the doorway to the hall. “I heard the bell.” He stood just inside the door and leaned against the wall, his hands in his pockets. Sister Sharp smiled up at him, murmured something about dinner, and went into the kitchen, leaving us alone. I felt suddenly shy in his presence. I sank down on the couch and looked down at my hands. I suddenly realized that I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring. Not only had my children disappeared from this world but every physical reminder of my life, all of my pictures and keepsakes, were gone, not created yet. It was a sobering thought.

The silence stretched on, and I finally had to look up to try to see what Sam was thinking. He wasn’t looking at me but was staring out the window at the remains of another beautiful autumn day. His dark eyes seemed sad, older than his years, and I found myself wanting to make that sorrow disappear. The moment was brief, though, and that look was replaced by a mischievous one as he recognized that I was staring.

“Well? What’s the verdict?” he asked. “Have you figured me out yet?”

“Hardly. I was just thinking that you don’t seem eighteen,” I said with a smile.

“Neither do you,” he said.

“Well, that’s because I’m not eighteen. Remember? I’m thirty-eight.”

“No, you aren’t. You’re sixteen,” he argued with just a touch of a frown.

“Well, whatever. That’s beside the point. You always seemed so much older than the other kids at school,” I said. Focus, I told myself. Don’t get distracted. I changed the subject.

“I wanted to thank you for everything this last week. It’s been hard, but you’ve been there for me. I just want you to know that I’ve appreciated all of it. Especially today with Corrie. I don’t know how you knew to call her, but it was exactly what I needed.” I rushed through the words.

“It’s no problem,” he said dismissively. His nearness to me on the sofa ignited that electric spark again, but I squelched it and scooted a couple of inches away. Focus, I reminded myself.

“Well, I just . . . anyway, thanks.” We were both silent again for a moment, and this time I could feel Sam’s eyes on me.

“I met Mitch today,” he said.

I jumped a little at the name, and my eyes flew to his face.

“Really? At church? What happened?” I asked.

“Yeah, at church. He’s freakishly tall, you know,” he said.

I laughed at the description. “I know. Six-six, actually. Mallory and Jenna both have those genes. I’m not sure yet, but I think that James will, too,” I said with a smile, but it quickly faded. I rubbed at my naked ring finger. Thinking about them always hurt.

“You miss them.” It wasn’t a question.

“You have no idea.” My voice cracked, and I swallowed, trying to push down the lump in my throat.

I looked up at him. He was studying me with that intense look that always made me feel defenseless. “What are you thinking, Sam? I mean, how can you take all of this in and just accept it? I wouldn’t if it weren’t happening to me.” Sam shrugged and smiled.

“This may come as a shock to your system, but I’m actually pretty observant,” he said.

I laughed at that, wondering how he could claim that trait when he hadn’t noticed I’d been following him like a puppy for the last four years.

He caught my meaning. “I know, I guess I do have a couple of blind spots. Still, you were one person on Sunday, and on Monday you were someone different. You were still you, but you had changed so dramatically. When you told me that you grew up, it made sense. I mean, the whole thing doesn’t make sense at all, but that one statement does. I guess it makes as good sense as anything else in life. The thing is, Annie, I trust you. You’ve never looked at me with disgust or judgment, like everyone else does. You’ve always just accepted me, and I owe you the same courtesy.”

It was such a straight answer, so unexpected after all of his cryptic remarks in the past, that I was completely captivated. In that moment I almost broke my rule. He was so close. It would be so easy to kiss him. I saw in his face that I wouldn’t have to do anything other than let it happen. He wanted it, too. But I wouldn’t cross that line.

I sat up a little straighter, putting another inch or two between us. “Thanks, Sam. It’s the most wonderful thing to have someone I can talk to who knows what’s really going on. And now you’ve met Mitch! Tell me—what happened? Did you talk to him? What did he say?”

Sam’s eyes were disappointed for just a moment, but he quickly hid that emotion and smiled. “I talked to him. He complimented me on the music, and I told him that I enjoyed hearing about his trip.”

I could picture the two men talking, facing each other, one tall and blond with piercing blue eyes, the other dark and a little shorter and more muscled. The image flared in my mind, the two men that I loved standing face to face. I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, but it was burned in my brain anyway.

“It sounds very civil,” I finally said after clearing my throat. Sam grinned.

“Yep, very civil. He really does seem like a good guy. Way too tall and too old for you, of course, but a good guy all the same.” His words warmed me.

“He really is, Sam. You need to know that. He’s a really good man. Thanks for telling me.” I was quiet for a minute. “Well, at least you’ve seen him. I can’t seem to make that happen. I kind of feel like ‘three strikes and you’re out,’ you know?”

“Maybe the time just isn’t right. Have you thought about that?” he asked.

“I guess. Maybe you’re right. In any case, I don’t see it happening in the next couple of days. Not with me watching my sisters and brother, visiting my dad, taking care of the house, and practicing our sonata.”

“Are you still planning on that? I figured it wouldn’t work with your dad being sick,” he said.

“I want to, Sam. I think that it’s exactly what I need. My dad is always telling me to do things that make me feel joyful, and music is all I can think of. I’d like to play it—you know, for my dad.”

He considered that for a moment, and I thought I saw something flicker in his eyes. Could it have been excitement? Whatever it was, he was careful to sound nonchalant when he answered.

“Well, if that is what you want, then let’s do it. I’ve been running through it, actually, and it’s really beautiful.”

“Great! I’ve played it through only a couple of times, but I think I can manage. Can we practice at my house? It’ll be easier, with me babysitting and all that. After school?” I asked. Sam nodded, and I smiled in return. “Excellent. Well, I need to go. I’m picking up the kids tonight from my aunt’s house.”

“That’s probably for the best, anyway,” Sam said. “Leonard will be home soon, and it’ll be easier that way.”

We both stood, and he walked me to the door, but I couldn’t leave yet. I hesitated for just a moment, afraid to trust my own self-control, but then I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my head against his chest. Sam’s arms came up slowly and held me close. I could hear his heart, and it seemed to be beating fast. What I wouldn’t have given to be held by him just like this all of those years ago. For that one moment I let myself be sixteen and feel all of the warmth and pleasure and comfort from being held by Sam. Then I pushed it away, telling myself it would be the last time I would allow those emotions to rule me.

I pulled away and murmured a good-bye, keeping my eyes on my shoes as I walked out the door and down the sidewalk. I didn’t want to look at his face, afraid of what I might see there. Good or bad, it would cause its own kind of pain. I heard the door close quietly behind me. It was the sound of that part of my life ending forever.