Chapter Five

Archer

@themacattack I should start charging for relationship advice. #myfriendsneedit #especiallyarcher #expertstatus #therealmacdaddy

Me: I’m thinking of texting Kassidy.

Mac: Who’s that?

Me: The girl I met tonight.

Mac: Too soon.

Me: I’ll just ask how the concert was.

Mac: Lame.

Me: Then what should I say?

Mac: Nothing. Give it time.

Me: I want to text her now.

Mac: Loser.

Me: Takes one to know one.

Mac: We’re using third grade comebacks now?

Mac: Hello? Archer? You there?

Mac: Don’t do it. Don’t text her.

Mac: You’ll look desperate, man.

…

Me: Hey. It’s Archer. Survive the concert?

Kassidy: Barely. My ears are still ringing.

Me: Backstage we wear earplugs.

Kassidy: I could’ve used some, but not because of the music. Because of all the screaming.

Me: Then why didn’t you stop?

Kassidy: Ha! Not me. Everyone else.

Me: Not everyone. I wasn’t.

Kassidy: I hope not. That would be weird.

Me: You figured out who I am.

Kassidy: Hard not to. You and Ross are identical.

Me: Except I’m better looking, right?

Kassidy: Right.

Me: Ah ha! Proof. I’m screenshotting this conversation and sending it to Ross right now.

Kassidy: LOL

Me: Seriously. He has a giant head.

Kassidy: After watching all those girls at the concert, I can see why.

Me: No. I mean he literally has a big head. Much larger than mine.

Kassidy: Ha! I didn’t even notice.

Me: His chest was probably distracting you. I’m more ripped than him. You’ll see.

Kassidy: I will, huh?

Me: Better go before I put my foot in my mouth.

Kassidy: Before you do?

Me: Uh oh. And btw, the ringing will subside. Trust me.

Kassidy: I’ll take your word for it.

Me: Night.

Kassidy: Bye.

…

Me: Too late, Mac.

Mac: You didn’t.

Me: Yep.

Mac: Did you ask her out?

Me: Not yet. I didn’t want to come on too strong.

Mac: You already have.

Me: It was only a couple of texts. She seemed to like it.

Mac: She probably did. You should’ve listened to me.

Me: Huh?

Mac: Girls always expect more. If you give too much right at the beginning, you’re screwed.

Me: I should lower the bar?

Mac: Exactly.

Me: I’m starting to see why you’re single.

Mac: By choice.

Me: That’s what you keep saying.

Mac: Cause it’s true.

Me: Whatever, man. I’ll stick with my plan.

Mac: It’s your funeral.

Me: Btw, I saw your tweet. The real mac daddy? Really?

Mac: You know it.

@archerdev1 The meet-and-greet line is pretty long. Looks like I’m not hanging out with Ross tonight. #dutycalls #celebritysighting #playlistersconcert

…

Mom: Where are you ?

Me: Home.

Mom: We’re taking Ross out for ice cream. I thought you were coming.

Me: Sorry. I left because I’m tired.

Mom: Okay. Get some rest. Love you.

Me: Night.

…

Me: Ross, you’re going out for ice cream with Mommy and Daddy after your big concert? You party animal, you.

Ross: Screw you.

Me: Love you, too.

Ross: Dick.

Me: Is that the lyric to your new song?

Ross: Douchebag.

Me: I think I’d leave that line out. People might get offended.

Ross: I can’t believe you left, man.

Me: Maybe you should take a songwriting class. These lyrics are going downhill fast.

Ross: I’m out.

Me: Ah, don’t be like that.

Me: Ross?

Me: Hello??

…

Me: You may be right.

Mac: You’ll have to be more specific. I’m always right.

Me: About coming on too strong.

Mac: What did you do?

Me: I may have offered to show her my bare chest.

Mac: What? Why would you do that? No one wants to see that.

Me: She might like it.

Mac: Is she blind?

Me: Screw you.

Mac: Sounds like you already screwed up enough.

Me: You think it’s that bad?

Mac: Yep.